hollisterbaby Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 People might be familiar with the story about my bf,we are taking a break. Three weeks ago we were in Florida together with my family and when we were there,he brought me an expensive pink and silver diamond ring.Then a week ago we got into an argument and then a few days later he wanted to break up.He says that there is no other girl and Ive even snooped around and I see no evidence of that. He says that he needs to get his life together.He is kind of unstable now.My problem is that we kind of still act like a couple,we have even messed around and almost slept together. Im just confused because a part of me wants to never talk to him again. The last time we went on a break,I kind of starting acting like a slut and messed around with a coworker.The other part just wants to tell him that I love him.This break is just really sudden and I dont know what to do.I want to help him with the unstableness in his life,but should I even waste my time if he wants to go on a break. I dont know what to do!!!
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 When I asked for space from my XH, I was trying to figure out what I wanted and found an article that explained it to a "T." If he had followed this advice (which I sent him and he ignored), we may have been able to work through things. I don't want to give a link and risk getting in trouble, so I'll quote the blog and give credit by saying the writer is Al Turtle. People frequently come to me with this problem. Some years ago I came up with an answer and have not felt the need to change it. It works. Follow the four steps. 1. GIVE UP ALL SIGNS OF PUSHING. This is very important. Your partner is already moving away. Anything you do to push them will tend to make them move away faster and further. Stop anything that might be construed as pursuing or pressing them. If your instinct is to call them twice a day, start calling them once a week. If your instinct is to send them a gift, do it once a month. If you are trying to find out what they are doing by asking other people, don’t. Leave them alone a lot. Let your partner contact you when they are ready. (See Reliable Membership Article.) 2. SURVIVE Do not be surprised that you may feel awful, or sick, or depressed. This is normal when you feel left behind. The feeling will go away – with a lot of time. We all can live alone. It's not good for us, but we can. So, in the meantime, continue to live your life. Go to work. Eat well. Sleep well. Do more exercise. (It will help you sleep. It will help with any depression you may feel.) Be among friends. While you do this, you might consider staying away from friends of the other gender. If you cannot sleep or seem very depressed, see your doctor. Some medication may be helpful for a while. If your partner speaks to you, don’t tell them how hard a time you are having. That will probably not get you the sympathy you want. Just say something like, “Well, it is tough.” And say no more. 3. WORK ON YOUR SELF, VISIBLY See a counselor. Read books. Talk your problems over with friends, your pastor, your priest, your rabbi. Learn what you can. Read my paper on Using Turtle Logic and The Two Walls. Chances are there is a lot for you to learn. Most often when a partner leaves, they have been planning it for a long time. You, on the other hand may have been taken by surprise. What led you to be so unaware of your partner? What lead you to be so unaware that they were in distress enough to consider leaving you? Try to not blame yourself. All relationship trouble takes two. And so, work on yourself. And do this work so that your partner knows. The chances are one of the reasons they are leaving you is because they believe you will never change. By visibly working on yourself, they have to wonder what you are doing and who you are becoming. That is much better than their continuing to believe that you will never change. When I say “visibly” I mean that you take opportunities to let them know that you are doing something. If they call, say you only have a little time as you have to get to your counseling appointment. Say, “By the way, I’ve been reading a book on marriage. It’s interesting.” Remember to follow Rule #1, and not say much. 4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never loose it again. Good luck. P.S. And when he/she stops the leaving and starts tentative connecting or checking you out, be ready.
lucy9216 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I have some good advice to offer which is really similar to soul search. I purchased this online book on how to make up with my ex after we split, It went perfect at first but then I swear I have no self control and I veered off the track and now I think he hates me an I destroyed probably any chances on him ever comming back. So I can't download the material on here so I will give you the jist of it. If you follow it, the stuff works wonders. 1-agree with the break-up, write a handwritten note. If you were acted crazy apologize for it and say you agree with the break up and you have seen it comming for awhile, but keep it short. 2-work on yourself, start exercising more, getting healthy just take care of yourself. No one is attracted to a desperate/needy person. 3-DO NOT TEXT MESSAGE!!!! this is the worst thing you could do! If he sends you a message say you are busy, but you would like to chat later. 4-You need to limit all contact for 1 month! this will be hard but it is effective. When he does make contact like I said keep it short and be nice. 5-If you two have the same circle of friends and all go bowling or whatever together, keep going. Do not let him know you are bothered, be nice to him smile and say hi but that is it. Do not flirt with him or anything like that. 6-Once the month is up, actually set a date on your calendar that will be one month from the break up date. Call him and have a good memory of the two of you together, bring it up so he can have a good memory of you while you are on the phone. Ask him if he would like to meet for coffee or a drink. Keep it short to 30 min. no later than 45 min. have plans for after your meeting. NO FLIRTING when you meet him. If he tries to bring up any past issue just say we can talk about that later. Keep the conversation POSITIVE!!!! 7-Wait one week and contact him again, try to make a date of something fun and exciting maybe an amusement park with alot of roller coasters. Excitement is a very sexual stimulant especially roller coasters. 8-If he does ask to see you again after you first meet him say yes, don't play too hard to get! 9-If everything goes as planned play it cool for the first few months, don't rush right into the relationship you just got out of. 10-After a few months as long as everything is going good, and you want to be serious with him again bring it up lightly something like: Wasn't it great being a couple? P.S. how I screwed this up is a couple weeks after the break up it was going really well!!! I did the note and I was keeping my distance, it worked so well that he came over one night saying he was thinking he might want to make ammense and we slept together. He was not ready for this step it was too much too fast after our break up and he turned cold on me after that. So DONT SLEEP WITH HIM!!!! or kiss him or anything work on yourself right now. Only use this if you actually want him back, hope it helps.
Recommended Posts