razghoul Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 My wife of 26 years has recently left me. She says she doesn't want me or need me any more. We have been together for 28 years. It was a love at first site affair and a real story book relationship. We have had our problems in the past but nothing this devestating. She says she doesn't know who she is and that she can't see a future together. I am completely crushed. I don't know how to express what I am feeling except that my whole life has been with her and our family. Our kids are grown up and my youngest will be 20 in a few months. She walked out on us last week and I haven't been able to work, or really much of anything except cry. (alot) I saw my doctor and got some drugs and it's leveling out my emotions to a point. I have seen the "180" plan on this site. And am hopeful that it will work. My wife just isn't herself right now I don't even recognize the cold heartless person I see. We haven't spoken for 2 days now. I just need this to be over with and her to come home. I am lost. It's all so bazare. I finally got the "Right now I just can't come back to you", I don't understand how someone can just not love you anymore without talking about it.
lupa Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 My wife of 26 years has recently left me. She says she doesn't want me or need me any more. We have been together for 28 years. It was a love at first site affair and a real story book relationship. We have had our problems in the past but nothing this devestating. She says she doesn't know who she is and that she can't see a future together. I am completely crushed. I don't know how to express what I am feeling except that my whole life has been with her and our family. Our kids are grown up and my youngest will be 20 in a few months. She walked out on us last week and I haven't been able to work, or really much of anything except cry. (alot) I saw my doctor and got some drugs and it's leveling out my emotions to a point. I have seen the "180" plan on this site. And am hopeful that it will work. My wife just isn't herself right now I don't even recognize the cold heartless person I see. We haven't spoken for 2 days now. I just need this to be over with and her to come home. I am lost. It's all so bazare. I finally got the "Right now I just can't come back to you", I don't understand how someone can just not love you anymore without talking about it. Welcome to the rollercoaster, my friend. You just took the first loop, and this goddamned ride doesn't stop for a while. The only thing I can tell you is to not push. Don't push. Likely, and nobody wants to hear it, she has found someone who is giving her attention that she thinks she needs. Midlife crisis, emotional affair, etc...these are all possibilities. But I'm not here to guess, I'm here to tell you as someone who has been going through this for a couple of months... ...we are here to listen. Write it out, brother. Talk to us. Listen to the advice you find, listen to Gunny...be strong for your children, and right now there is only one person for you too look out for...it is YOU. Get yourself under control, which I know is ridiculous advice because I'm still struggling, and try to understand the difference between your WANTS and your NEEDS. Also, I want to say I am sorry to hear your pain...this is nothing I would ever wish on another human being. Try to stay strong.
BentButNotBroken Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 My wife of 26 years has recently left me. She says she doesn't want me or need me any more. We have been together for 28 years. It was a love at first site affair and a real story book relationship. We have had our problems in the past but nothing this devestating. She says she doesn't know who she is and that she can't see a future together. I am completely crushed. I don't know how to express what I am feeling except that my whole life has been with her and our family. Our kids are grown up and my youngest will be 20 in a few months. She walked out on us last week and I haven't been able to work, or really much of anything except cry. (alot) I saw my doctor and got some drugs and it's leveling out my emotions to a point. I have seen the "180" plan on this site. And am hopeful that it will work. My wife just isn't herself right now I don't even recognize the cold heartless person I see. We haven't spoken for 2 days now. I just need this to be over with and her to come home. I am lost. It's all so bazare. I finally got the "Right now I just can't come back to you", I don't understand how someone can just not love you anymore without talking about it. My man! You are going to be just fine..i so know it. You will have another scar unfortunately. Whether you end up fine back with her or without her...time will tell. I wish i had an answer on how they can just look the other way now...i am searching for that logic too. But that is not a priority....the priority is you. I have been in your shoes brother. The sad truth is that the advantage in a relationship goes to the one who needs it the least. She knows you, you dont have a clean slate like this "other life" she wants. Honestly...i would just stop contact with her completely. Show that you are secure with yourself and give the impression that you are a man who will respect the decision. Your bond with her is much much harder to break then hers with this new venture (thats a fact). She needs to see that for herself and cannot be forced. If you push, she will not see it and maybe never see it if pushed enough. My opinion, not contact unless she initiates it. If the talk turns to "chit chat"...break away until she calls or comes again. Show her that you have terms. If you truly execute that no contact or limited contact...trust me, she will call or come by and open up. If you chase and if you compromise your security...she will go to another place that feels more secure to her. Its just the nature of being human man. There is much hidden strength that comes from talking about it here.
Author razghoul Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 To those that have sharred their concern. Thank you I did not expect something so fast. My wife is haveing an emotional affair on line with a guy in alabama. I caught here many times texting and talking on the phone at 2 and 3 in the morning. I didn't put much weight in it because it was an on-line thing. She said it was just a friend. But I called her on it because it's inappropriate for a married woman to be talking to someother guy at that time in the morning especially. She would lie to me about how often and when. We have close friends that are breaking up too and my wife is staying with them right now. Unfortunately they are feeding off of each other. It's been a really hard time. Gunnies advice is what I am working off of right now with the 180 list. It is soooooo important to me that I am the man she used to love and that she relizes that and comes home. I also realize that she may have completely lost her mind and won't come back. I am determined that this will work. It has too. But on the otherside I am a well educated man and I know that the possibility is their that she won't. I can't say at this early stage how i will deal with it. I just hope that having my heart and soul ripped out of me will not be a lasting scar and that I can move on and up with my life. I know I can I guess it just isn't something that is formost in my plan at the moment. Again thank you, I don't have anyone really to talk to my family is her family and right know talking to them would only hurt things. It sucks. My kids don't understand and I can only talk to them about so much. I don't want my kids to hate their mother any more than I want to. My oldest is 25 and she is trying to understand how her mother could hurt her daddy so. I have always been daddy to my kids. Like I said I am the "Family Guy". I don't hang out with the guys after work. I did 80% of the cooking in our house, I always took care of things. My house was my sanctuary from work and the outside world. My wife and I took care of eachother we were best friends in every stretch of the word. I feel like I lost my wife and my best friend. Thanks for you support it does seem to help.
lkjh Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 if your wife leaves you to go after another man it is best that you never take her back
CM2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I'm sorry to hear of your pain, im also going through the EA of my wife, seperation and possibe divorce. Imma be real with you, its a long emotional rollecoaster of daily emotions, sometimes you'll be fine sometimes you won't. Come on here as much as you can just to let it out trust me I a few months ago and I'm so glad I did. These people are great and you'll get great advice as long as you listen to those who's been there done that, please don't be afraid to seek anyone us out for advice because we can help you. God bless
delajoonal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 raz... welcome to the LS board:) it is not a good thing you are here, but welcome anyway... i am truly sorry that you are going thru this...IT is horrific, painful and so NOT understandable... we are ALL here trying to deal with the same issue too...mostly the same issue...how could our loving sweet spouses be our best friends one day,and then just leave the next.... and NOT just leave..they are mean and hostile and say hurtful things..out of no where:( my H had an online EA too...IT didn't last long, a few weeks, i nipped THAT in the bud..BUT, the MLC was too far gone..he was in such a state of FOG/Monster, i couldn't reach him by the time i found this site and others, to do the 180 etc.... its been 5 months...not sure if i should say this, cause i want you to have hope...but in 5 months..well, it is 3AM, i NEVER sleep, my H did walk out months ago, i got rid of our maritial home, i couldn't stand the memories, 14 years together...i still cry all the time... BUT the good news is...IT does get better, with each bout of grief...as they come in waves, they do get easier... also, EVERYONE on this board is amazing! you will prolly find solice with Gunny, lupa, and a few other men... there are many more men on here then women... as a woman, i don't get it? how these wives left such stand up fabulous LS MEN!~ anyway...we are all here for you, like lupa said...just keep posting and reading and getting IT all out...this board and its members ...i just don't know what i would have done all this time without it... and the MLC site...it opened my eyes to alot and why my H is in the midlife crisis and yes, IT can happen to women too... another member referred me, and it gave me answers i have not gotten in months..i have finally been able to laugh this week, make plans for the first time to go to a friends going away party, etc.... these are things up unitl a few days ago, i could NOT have done.. but that MLC site really changed my life and is teaching me, as well as this site, how to BE when dealing with my H...the 180- seems to be the ONLY thing working.. there are a few success stories on here, you can even go back to the archives to see how they did it and the outcome? or one of the vets can post more for you? try.. as hard as it is in the pain you are in...believe me i know.. but try to work those steps...they will help you..even IF she does not come back...you have already begun your way to the other side by that time...and well....just keep posting and reading:) take care and BE GOOD TO YOURSELF...OK...remember THIS is NOT your fault..THIS IS ALL YOUR W..NOT you!
tojaz Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Great post Dela! Raz, I'm right ther with you, my wife was my best friend, my rock, my support. When she left, I felt like my whole life went with her. I still feel that way sometimes! But it does get easier, and there are success stories. The best I can advise is look at other threads and see what is coming at you. Mine is "the rest of MY Story" and there's a lot of good advice in there, although it has become more of a chat room as of late. Lupas is "Apart and Shaken" also a very good read, he's much better with words then i will ever be. Read them and get ahead of the curve. It is so much better when you know whats coming, not easier but at least you can prepare. I wish I had more answers for you, but I'm no success story, will be final in 2 days. Just know that there are ups on this rollercoaster and eventually the ride will come to an end. Heres the MLC website Dela was talking about http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/ Stay strong and keep posting. TOJAZ
Smung Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Raz, Feel for you buddy and understand the bewilderment of your wife's seemingly overnight change into someone you don't recognize. All I would say is that it's critical that you focus on yourself right now. Be sure to go outside and exercise hiking/biking/skiing. Whatever gets your blood pumping. Take up that hobby you have been waiting to start but never had the time for. The goal is being the person YOU want to be not the person others think you should be. You had mentioned you have a smaller support group were you live. Well, the good news is you have found us! Hang in there, keep your chin up... AND if you feel like contacting your wife DON'T, come onto the boards and let's talk.
LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hi Raz Right there with you on the "invasion of the body snatches" feeling! I was with my ex 18 years, I can only imagine the pain after 28 years. This whole "I don't know who I am, I need to find myself" line that seems to be so common. It's such a lame excuse, it just means they think the grass is greener. They forget there may well be a big dog t**d on the greener grass. The OM has filled her head with fanciful ideas. Doesn't occur to them that life is life wherever, whoever, the mundane things still need to be done, the laundry still has to be done. It's pure selfishness. Having an affair is the most selfish act one spouse can do to the other. A thread you might like to read is called "Back for another page in life" by PWXS3, he was married 26 years. You may find it helpful. Stick with the 180, it really is your best shot and as for support, we've got you, keep posting.
lastout_82 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 that sounds the same as mine in a way. wake up one morning and everything turns to crap, seems fine the day before. i dont know what to tell you. but i know what you feel. my W did the same thing just up left and been a heartless beoich ever since. and i found it all revolved around someone else. cant say that decided it but it was in the same time frame. i can put two and two togather. Truly best thing is to come here. i found this place and i focus on it now. everyone here has had a problem in some way shape or form we all found this place and its somwere i update daily as my life has taken a serious spin. but look at other post follow 180 its very very hard and sometimes just listen to your heart. even if its against it. thats the only thing thats honost to you and you can trust. your heart. read up on marriage help not for yours but yourself. its changed me alot. Read around post alot check often. youll find things here you never expected to find. everyone here arrives to open arms in an internet kind of way. good luck, its along wait till the sun rises again but im sure it will. it alway does.
Author razghoul Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Mornings and late night are the hardest. The times when we would have our time. I want to talk to her so bad that I fight myself. It's all too fresh right now. 8 days of seperation and a couple of weeks of the I don't love you crap. And she tells me on my birthday. It's just tough, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I would never have thought that my wife would have fallen for an internet affair. The emotions are very important in a relation ship. If my work hadn't been falling apart I may have seen it sooner. I just don't know. I am normaly a very strong person and it's not like I was ignoring her. Or at least I don't think I was. I am going back to work tomorrow and hope that I can cope with the crap their. I have too. I wish I could escape all of this and just be normal again. I do have my goods moments and bad and unfortunately this morninig is a bad one. I didn't sleep much. My boys are still asleep so no company. I have to wake my son up soon to take him to work. I find myself peering out the window hoping to see her. I am such a sad sack right now it's embarrasing. The pages here are helping. I just wish I was more savy with the Text language. I find myself trying to figure out all the initials it's almost a puzle to me. I have to laugh when I figure out the really easy ones'. I gues I am really out of touch, but I never really had to be. I had my world and really loved it. The things that concern me is that my wife is not herself and that she needs help also, but she just won't do it. She probably has been planning this, but I'll be dammed if I know when it started or why. It just kills me. I am a heart person and talking is all I have to work through it. Thank you all for listening. I just don't understand why. Later all, One good day at a time.
LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Text language for you! OM = Other man OW = Other women W = Wife H = Husband STBXW = stupid b****h ex wife IMO = In my opinion IMHO = In my humble opinion Think they are the most common ones used on here, hope that helps!
Author razghoul Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I have a question. The 180 doesn't speak about banking and bills. We have a joint account where both our paychecks are auto-deposited. I am affraid if I close my piece or the account that it only hurt things. Is it too early to close the account. My wife always took care of our bills and such. I know, my brother says I should, but honestly what message does that send and how much damage does it do?
Author razghoul Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 good evening lisa, thank you. You are a kind person and I appriciate the help. I wish you well. It is heart breaking how things have turned out for us both. I trully hope you get everything that you want. It's all too soon for me, I do have hope although slim it is none the less there. This morning for me is very rough. It comes and goes. again thank you.
Smung Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 You don't have to close it. YOU DO need to remove yourself from the account. That is a simple and reasonable step to take. Talk to your bank and see if you can be removed from the account so you are not legally responsible for any checks cashed or Overdrafts!! Rememeber, as you have stated your Wife isn't acting normal and she could cause all sorts of issues with a checking account. PLEASE DO THIS TODAY!
LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I'm not sure about this so see what everyone else has to say to, but in my opinion she has left the marital home, she's on her own! I think it will only serve to show her how tough life will be without you, may make her think more about her decisions?! Certainly you will need to keep paying any bills with regard to the marital home, but not with regard to anything for her. So you should not be paying for her car, food, clothes, cell phone, anything. She has decided the grass is greener, let her find out that there may well be more to it than that. If you need both pay cheques to cover the marital home bills, then you will need to discuss the fianaces with her. You should approach this very carefully, very calmly and do not enter into any discussion about your marriage or her behaviour. Buisness only.
mark982 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 you have to act as if this was business,in business you look out for what is best for it. so don't feel bad about closing or moving accts. also keep eye out on your credit,make sure she don't open new accts in your name.
delajoonal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 hi raz... hope your day is better...if not, i get it;0 about the bank accts....i am not sure how she is/was with money, that will have to be your experiene with her?... but my H and i have several bank accts. only one is joint...it is actually still open. we both use it, like adults...i have never taken more than i need to keep the bills paid, as that has always been my job, and my H is really such a penny pincher, he never uses it....although he is the one that LEFT, the money part of his brain never changed...it actually only got tighter..LOL...my H is a cheap screw!..anyway.. so i guess, really, it is just what you will have to go off of is the experience of her spending habits...but then again, who would have thought she would have done THIS either?.... i have been reading some responses to your OP and you have got the best of the best of LS so far...tojaz, lisaUK (IS amazing love HER, she is the one that helped me find the MLC website...i am hoping if you 2 can chat, that she can also refer you..i think tojaz posted it..? anyway, please read that site if you have a moment...you might just sit there like i did...saying to yourself.." OMG! its like they wrote this for MY spouse!" we are ALL here for you...before you do anyting that is questiolable or something you are not sure of...post here, everyone is very quick at getting back to you.. i had alot of moments inthe past months, i wanted to pick up the phone, call H, call the OW, but i posted here instead..and BOY am i glad.... ok..so keep reading keep posting...and remember this is NOT something you did, this is ALL your W stuff... have a day the best you can, OK:)
delajoonal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 here is a list of acronyms that you might need to read the posts here on LS: (you can print this out and keep it by your computer for future reference so you can concentrate more on the posts and not trying to figure out the lingo..lol)...good luck Raz! BF- Boyfriend / Best Friend BS- Betrayed Spouse BTW- By The Way DD- Dear Daughter DH- Dear Husband DS- Dear Son DW- Dear Wife EA- Emotional Affair FWB- Friends With Benefits FWIW For What It's Worth G-F- Girl-friend H Husband IANAL- I Am Not A Lawyer IM- Instant Messaging IME- In My Experience IM(H)O- In My (Humble) Opinion LDR -Long-Distance Relationship LMAO- Laughing My (expletive) Off LOL -Laughing Out Loud LTR- Long-Term Relationship MM- Married Man MW- Married Woman OM- Other Man OMG- Oh My God ONS- One Night Stand OP- Original Post(er) OT- Off-Topic OTOH- On The Other Hand OW- Other Woman PM- Private Message R- Relationship SO- Significant Other STBXH/W- Soon To Be EX Husband/Wife W- Wife WTF -What The (expletive) WYSIWYG -What You See Is What You Get (Commonly used to refer to the advanced text editor)
LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 hi raz... hope your day is better...if not, i get it;0 about the bank accts....i am not sure how she is/was with money, that will have to be your experiene with her?... but my H and i have several bank accts. only one is joint...it is actually still open. we both use it, like adults...i have never taken more than i need to keep the bills paid, as that has always been my job, and my H is really such a penny pincher, he never uses it....although he is the one that LEFT, the money part of his brain never changed...it actually only got tighter..LOL...my H is a cheap screw!..anyway.. so i guess, really, it is just what you will have to go off of is the experience of her spending habits...but then again, who would have thought she would have done THIS either?.... i have been reading some responses to your OP and you have got the best of the best of LS so far...tojaz, lisaUK (IS amazing love HER, she is the one that helped me find the MLC website...i am hoping if you 2 can chat, that she can also refer you..i think tojaz posted it..? anyway, please read that site if you have a moment...you might just sit there like i did...saying to yourself.." OMG! its like they wrote this for MY spouse!" we are ALL here for you...before you do anyting that is questiolable or something you are not sure of...post here, everyone is very quick at getting back to you.. i had alot of moments inthe past months, i wanted to pick up the phone, call H, call the OW, but i posted here instead..and BOY am i glad.... ok..so keep reading keep posting...and remember this is NOT something you did, this is ALL your W stuff... have a day the best you can, OK:) Wow, thanks for the compliment Dela Raz, as Dela said I did refer her to a website that provides information on Mid life crisis. I think maybe Dela thought as you had mentioned that your wife is not herself and given that your children have just grown that this might be applicable to your situation. If you want to take a look and see if it describes her behaviour here's the link www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com This particualr site deals with men in MLC, but there is plenty of info on the web about how it can affect women and in particular the empty nest syndrome and the whole "I need to find myself" line you mentioned. Of course, it may or may not have anything to do with your wifes behaviour, but it might be worth a read.
Author razghoul Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Well it's back to work today. I had to see her yesterday, on a bad day. I am fairly certain I pulled off the I'm ok, and doing well. She looked really good. This is so hard. It's only benn 10 days now since she walked out. The wounds are still wet, but I have to make this work. I just don't know if she is even trying. I never thought I would hear that stupid phrase from my wife. I love you, I am just not in love with you. What a cop out. You know, I know in the back of my head somewhere that things weren't right and that she wasn't happy. But she never said a word. And if she did she never made her point. Communication. The 180 is harder than it looks. 28 years of contact and what I thought was un-deniable love, down the drain. She looks like she's hunting, she's lost a lot of weight, she is tanning, she got her nails done. I found out her and her friend that is doing basically the same thing to her husband are going bar hoping to tonight. I have to stay tough, but this is heart breaking. I hope this is just something she needs to get out of her system. If she is being honest about the needing to find herself, I really hope she hurries. This just isn't fair. Hanging in there by thread.
Owl Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 She almost certainly isn't trying to do anything to help reconcile your marriage. So, here's what you need to do. Go over to the marriagebuilders website, start reading up on how infidelity works, and how to recover a marriage from it. You need to start the best plan A you can manage right now. Work to meet what emotional needs of hers that you can, make positive changes in yourself. And...you need to expose the affair to her friends/family that will help advocate your marriage and not support her affair and abandonment of your family. This isn't done in spite...it's a plea to them for help in saving your marriage. At the same time, do NOTHING that will support her single lifestyle or fund her ability to pay for her affair. Seperate your finances immediately...protect your assets. Make it clear that you love her, but despise her actions and affair. Show her that you're still a good choice, show her the "path back to you" but do not become a doormat letting her emotionally walk all over you. Check out a book..."Surviving an Affair". It's a good resource.
LisaUk Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 She almost certainly isn't trying to do anything to help reconcile your marriage. So, here's what you need to do. Go over to the marriagebuilders website, start reading up on how infidelity works, and how to recover a marriage from it. You need to start the best plan A you can manage right now. Work to meet what emotional needs of hers that you can, make positive changes in yourself. And...you need to expose the affair to her friends/family that will help advocate your marriage and not support her affair and abandonment of your family. This isn't done in spite...it's a plea to them for help in saving your marriage. At the same time, do NOTHING that will support her single lifestyle or fund her ability to pay for her affair. Seperate your finances immediately...protect your assets. Make it clear that you love her, but despise her actions and affair. Show her that you're still a good choice, show her the "path back to you" but do not become a doormat letting her emotionally walk all over you. Check out a book..."Surviving an Affair". It's a good resource. Always listen to Owl, he reconciled with his wife, they are still happily married. Heade his advice!
Smung Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Raz, Every situation is different and any one PLAN may not provide the results you want. No one has all the answers here, but rather speak from the heart and personal experience. If your wife is saying things like “I Love you, but I’m not in love with you.”, "She needs space." These are all Red Flags that she is in NO mood to negotiate a reconciliation. If you follow a plan that includes requiring you to contact your wife as in Plan A: Quote from Marriage builders “Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. “ In my understanding of this approach it requires you to run a huge risk of being played along by someone who is in a much different mental state, and even worse, it does NOT allowing you the space and time to heal and clear your head. Even the other website says the following: “So to avoid an indefinite period of SUFFERING while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.” Wow, how much suffering is reasonable?? Why would anyone want to follow a plan where it’s implied that you’re going to be suffering for an extended period of time? I would rather Jump right to plan B. What is plan B? Well, it seems suspiciously like “No Contact”. I see no reason to feed your wife’s ego in her selfish state by negotiating anything with her. You need to heal my friend, and the best way to do that is No contact. If she contacts you directly addressing her selfish views on marriage and wants to go to marriage counseling then by all means consider that proposal, but from what you are saying. That is not anywhere on the horizon. Also, have you made a decision on the Bank account yet?
Recommended Posts