girlwithbigearrings Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 This is quite a long one. But your thoughts would definitely be appreciated. I posted this earlier in the "friends with benefits" section but I have yet to catch luck on getting feedbacks from there. I’ve known this guy for about almost 6 months now. We’ve talked on and off for the first 4 months and just recently, I’d say since a month and so ago we’ve been talking almost everyday and been hanging out more frequently. When I met him, we just had this instant chemistry and we had lots of fun together, BUT he was in this weird situation with his girlfriend at the time of almost 4 years. They were broken up at the time we met, but few weeks later they got back together. I didn’t want anything to do with someone with a girlfriend so I put myself out of the situation and stopped talking to him despite the fact he said he still wanted to be friends. A month and so goes by without talking and I hear from him again letting me know he and his girlfriend had broken up and this time it is definitely over for good. And telling me that we should start hanging out and asking me out and stuff. By then, I was just over it. I thought to myself I was not interested at all to become his rebound girl and so every time he had asked me to hang out I made excuses and brushed him off as nicely as I possibly could have. Also at that time, I was already seeing someone else. And after a while, we stop having contact with each other again. So this “someone else” I was seeing turns out to be a jerkface…and maybe because I was feeling lonely at the time just having wasted my time with a jerkface, I this time initiate contact with this guy this whole thing is actually about. At this point in time, he was seeing someone else. That was fine with me, I genuinely just wanted to be friends with him. Unexpectedly, a week later he tells me he broke it off with the girl he was seeing. I can honestly say I was only seeing being friends with this guy up till we started talking and hanging out more constantly…and him showing how amazing of a guy he is and treating me like his girlfriend. I may have made a mistake sleeping with him a week ago without having the talk of where we are heading, sex was damn amazing. Now even after the sex, he was even more attentive to me and been treating me so good.. We hung out a few more times after and again this weekend, with his friends, first time I met a group of his friends..they were all very friendly to me and we all had a good time, note: he was treating me like a definite girlfriend around his friends, he had his arms around me, we held hands, we kissed..in front of his friends. I wasn’t clinging to him, I let him have his own time with his buddies while I was having my own with his other friends. Now we go back to his place, amazing sex again and we fell asleep. Throughout the night I would feel him around me, his arms, his legs, he’s a cuddly guy I like that but I like my own space when sleeping yet still I let him. In the morning, we were joking and teasing each other, laughing and here's a key moment for me: We were talking about making breakfast and so I asked "What do you want?" and he replies "You!", I thought that was so cute…these are all probably irrelevant little moments I just wanted to relive..hahaha..okay now the thing that boggles me is after all that, the way his actions and words were to me, definitely came on to me as "I really like you more than as friends"…BUT as when he was driving me home, I told him "I think im starting to kinda like you. Is that ok to say?" see how I said kinda - I didn’t wanna overwhelm him. He smiles and says nothing back. Now this is when I start feeling weird, if he likes me in the least way I thought he would have at least said something back. Now we pull up around my house….we were saying our byes, I was feeling insecure at this point, I asked him "Am I going to hear from you again?" he responds "Probably not!....I may not come back from my trip" something along those lines. You should know, He's going out of town for about more than a week in a few days. Now him saying THAT totally and absolutely made me even more insecure. Feeling like I would never actually hear from him again. I was hurt and confused. I wrote him an e-mail, thinking at least if he ignores me that way that would be least hurtful…in the e-mail I said how I felt weird….and how I do actually adore him..Im not playing games…. At this point I could tell I was obsessing over something I had no control over and I didn’t like it… he responds saying something like "Nothing to worry about... I was just messing with you… I will be back… I don’t want to lead you on though, I’m not wanting anymore than just being friends right now…I enjoy hanging out with you and it will happen again"…Now I’m not heartbroken or anything but was I reading all his signs wrong..I feel dumb. Now this is a crucial thing, I responded to that with something like "I never said I wanted to be more than friends!...." Now I feel even more stupid because if there was ever a chance I totally just put it in the garbage with that response. I felt like I was lead on, if he wanted to be just friends then why was he acting like he wanted otherwise. This might also be a case of things moving too much too soon? Or him just not being able to commit right now since he is still getting over a break up with someone he was with for about 4 years, totally understandable... I know I’m obsessing right now but please forgive me and a few input on this might make me feel a little better. Should I move on or maybe just wait it out and see what happens? I don’t want him to be my boyfriend right now and I do enjoy his company and would like to keep 'being friends' with him.. Is that smart or am I better off moving forward..now another problem that may arise is, I’m not sure I’m cut out for the friends that have sex thing…..I guess I slept with him thinking he did want me as more than a friend, what a stupid assumption by me but now I just feel like it would be just lacking self-respect if I sleep with him now knowing for sure he just wants me as a friend. I have a bunch of guy friends and I don't just go around having sex with a 'friend'. Bottom line why did he say and do all those boyfriend-like things if he just wanted me as a friend…Id hate for it be a "he was just trying to get in your pants!" scenario, he's not that kind of guy Id like to think so at least. I am beyond confused. What to do?
jerbear Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 It sounds like you lost him. In a FWB situation, once one starts a relationship with another then the FWB NSA is no longer an FWB NSA. I think it is time for you to put him on the back burner, move on, and go find someone else who won't be an FWB; if that is what you want at that time.
New Again Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 If you know now that you want him as a bf and would have a problem just "dating" I wouldn't suggest that you see him again, as friends or otherwise. You'll just get jealous and/or hurt. As for why he said/did "bf-like" things - some guys are just like that. Trust me, I know - your post could literally be about the guy I'm dating. Sounds just like him (literally everything you said - even the trip! ). They know how to treat women and how to make them feel special. It's just flirting, and you shouldn't read too much into it or take it very seriously. They're not doing it to be players, or just to get in your pants, or to hurt your feelings. Guys like that just LOVE women (not in a skeevy player way - these guys totally respect women and think they're amazing), and again, they know how to make you feel special. But again, he told you where he stands, so listen to him. And of course he could just be a player.
Author girlwithbigearrings Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 The thing is we have never established what we are, not even as "friends with benefits". We obviously started out as friends. We like being with each other. I never said I wanted to be in a relationship with this guy. I guess I was just hurt that I told him I like him hoping he would say it back without having to worry about the boyfriend/girlfriend label..that we can just reassure each other of how we feel for one another and still carry on as whatever we are now. I guess I just am liking him a little too much too soon and I should just hold off...while he is probably still in the 'testing the waters' taking things slow mode. I totally understand where he stands though. I was just hurt, I was overthinking...but i'm sure i'll be fine either way
socialight Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 >>I don’t want him to be my boyfriend right now and I do enjoy his company and would like to keep 'being friends' with him. Oh please, cut the crap. You had sex with this guy, and now you are writing 1000 words to a bunch of strangers on the internet to see if they can help you figure out if you will ever see this guy again. Of course you want him to be your boyfriend. I can promise you this -- your chances of ever seeing this guy on a consistent basis are precisely zero point zero until you can start being honest with yourself about what you want.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Gawd. He's just not that into you. You are a FWB, nothing more, never will be anything more. If you want more, then you'll have to find a new guy. Guys do not get attached through sex like women do. So for you to say that he was acting like he wanted more... Please. What he wanted was SEX. The way he got that was by making you think there was some kind of emotional attachment. I don't think you were led on, but I do think you were used. Next time be upfront with a guy before you sleep with him that you do not sleep with people you are not in a committed relationship with. This is precisely what happens when there's no communication. He was equally used by you - you wanted an emotional connection, he wanted sex. You both used what the other wanted to get what YOU wanted. So I'd say the trade off was pretty equal.
Author girlwithbigearrings Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I’m not trying to argue that “he’s just not that into me” but here are very valid points I believe a guy who’s just not that into a girl wouldn’t have done: He lets me use his toothbrush after a sleepover. I know for a fact that guys care who they share their personal things with e.g.) the toothbrush. Maybe he’s one of the few guys that just doesn’t care about that stuff, maybe he was just being a nice guy not wanting me to have bad morning breath. haha. But honestly, how many guys here would share his toothbrush with a girl “he’s just not that into”? He switched up his hair product. He used to wear quite a bit of gel. I mentioned to him once that I didn’t like hair gel on a guy’s hair, that i think it’s greasy looking while making a funny gross face just to tease him…I mentioned to him that one time I noticed he wasn’t wearing gel, apparently he was wearing some kind of matted hair product (does the styling without the greasy look), I said I liked that better..Funny thing, next time we hung out that’s all he’s been using on his hair. Either he really cares about his looks or cares about what I have to say in terms of his looks??? I could name a few more but I’m sure someone will find a way to turn it around on me so it seems like this guy is actually not into me. I know I’m reading too much into little details but I’m a girl you can’t take that away from me, girls can just easily do that. I am aware that he possibly was just doing all those things (boyfriend-like things, above mentioned examples, etc.) for the sole purpose of getting into my pants but what “friend/FWB” does that? Either he’s just really good, or full of it, or that’s not actually the case. I wrote this thread in means of just acting out on my impulses, not feelings, I like this guy because he seemed genuine so thanks for opening up my mind with other perspectives. I am fine and over it now. I was planning on distancing myself but yesterday he texted me. We are what we are. I’ll just let it play out wherever it leads, but definitely with caution. And oh I am the kind of girl who can actually separate sex from fuzzy feelings. I just happen to have both for this guy.
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