tomtom26 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I'm a 26 year old and I consider myself a "good" guy. I've never cheated, I've had 2 serious relationships, I've always wanted some serious, never slept around outside of those relationships, never had a desire to, have always been the guy who wanted love and a family, etc... My first relationship lasted almost 3 years but we broke up because we were way to young. My next two relationships, I chased these girls pretty hard, got attached too soon, and got dumped. Both took a toll on me. Now I have met a really nice girl, smart, cute, seems to have her **** together and she really likes me. I am sure we are on our way to a relationship. I chased her too at the beginning, but the more she liked me, the more I lost interest. I know, its the same BS you hear all the time. What is wrong with me? Am I psyching myself out? Do I just have the regular male instinct to want to chase? Has anyone felt like this before, and what did you do? I know some might say if she isn't the one, then you should keep looking, but I think in many many ways she is the perfect girl for me, but the fact that I'm not chasing her is bothering me. Am I sodistic? Stupid? Let me have it, but some advice and insight would also be helpful.
Wicked Child Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I understand where your're coming from, and the funny thing is, the chase instinct doesn't apply only to males. I've been single for around 3 years now, and I've met my share of men I've been totally interested in starting something with, and I myself withdraw if they seem to get more interested. I haven't figured it out yet, and can only assume it's just because as we get older, we're subconsciously more selective of partners, because we're at an age where most of us want to settle down and start a life, but don't neccesarily want to settle for the next best thing...I think it's totally normal to go through that when dating, and I think if you lose interest the more they gain interest, then it doesn't really have any potential anyways. I think we focus more on long term compatibillity, cos let's face it...Dating now, isn't like when we were 17,18,19, even 20...There's no "i like you, will you go out with me?" It's an actual process now, and some of us just need to get used to that...(I'm still trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing wrong...) I spent 6 years with someone, and I'm absolutely lost on how to date, and meet relationship worthy men and not just some randoms who want a fun night...the best you can do is just to keep putting yourself out there and you'll find someone. You'll know that click when you have it, and it will be completely different from anything you've experienced. Don't stress, darlin, you're totally normal...(lol, and you sound like me)
Sam Spade Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Well, quite honestly - you are an idiot if you don't start this thing in check. It is understandable why on some level you'd lose interest the more she chases you, but to give in to this would be foolish. Ask yourself, aren't you subconsiously telling yourself this: "If such a cool girl is chasing me, then I probably can do so much better"? If for some reason you don't actually like her - that's fine. But to turn her down because she's available and interested... come on ! I think this is just a phase, and if you punch through it, you'll be fine. I have felt like this before, and well - simply though about it and snapped out of it because realised hot stupid I'd be . Remind yourself how *rare* it is to meet a genuine person that shows genuine interest in you. Don't be the guy who doesn't realise what he's lost until it's too late. (You sound pretty mature, but you are still in an age group where such boneheaded moves are pretty common ).
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 When you're chasing hard, that means you are uncertain and there is a level of anxiety underlying the entire relationship for you. That anxiety is often misunderstood as excitement and desire. Each time you are successful in getting her to go out with you again, or you feel you've made a little progress, the adrenaline rush kicks in. Score! And when she steps back and you have to win her over again, the anxiety and adrenaline kick in which make you think you want her so much. If you were to ever really stop and think about it, you might find that she's not all that, but you're caught up in her catch and release cycle. When you are with someone you don't need to continue chasing constantly, that anxiety isn't there. So the adrenaline rush isn't there once you establish an exclusive relationship. And that misleads you to believe that the relationship is lacking, isn't exciting. Your level of maturity and where you are in your life - what you really want form a relationship - is what determines whether you will graduate to opening your heart and loving someone who is not forcing the adrenaline rush all the time.
Sam Spade Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 When you're chasing hard, that means you are uncertain and there is a level of anxiety underlying the entire relationship for you. That anxiety is often misunderstood as excitement and desire. Each time you are successful in getting her to go out with you again, or you feel you've made a little progress, the adrenaline rush kicks in. Score! And when she steps back and you have to win her over again, the anxiety and adrenaline kick in which make you think you want her so much. If you were to ever really stop and think about it, you might find that she's not all that, but you're caught up in her catch and release cycle. When you are with someone you don't need to continue chasing constantly, that anxiety isn't there. So the adrenaline rush isn't there once you establish an exclusive relationship. And that misleads you to believe that the relationship is lacking, isn't exciting. Your level of maturity and where you are in your life - what you really want form a relationship - is what determines whether you will graduate to opening your heart and loving someone who is not forcing the adrenaline rush all the time. Very good theory, I hadn't though about this before, but makes perfect sense. What a way to fool ourselves (and easily with the wrong person )
Thaddeus Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 What is wrong with me? Am I psyching myself out? Do I just have the regular male instinct to want to chase? Has anyone felt like this before, and what did you do?It's classic 'chaser' mentality. It's not the relationship that's interesting, it's the whole chase. (Which is why a woman should NEVER, EVER encourage a man to chase her. But that's another thread for another time.) Bear in mind that being a chaser is not a character fault; there's no judgement going on here. What's important is that you've recognized it. Now, here's the big question: Are you willing to stop doing that? I know it can be fun, it can provide a really powerful rush, but you already know that it doesn't lead to anything significant. Are you prepared to do the hard work of changing? (if that's what you want)
Author tomtom26 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I think for the most part you guys are right. I have been giving this a lot of thought myself and realized that no matter who I am going after, even my dream girl, once they give in and show interest in me, I would naturally pull back. I think this is just how some people are built, especially me. Like I said, I've had three main relationships, one lasted about a year, one lasted four months, and one lasted three years. The three year long relationship was the best relationship I had and was truly in love with that person at the time and I distinctly remember having the same kind of feelings I'm having now, then. She asked me out at first and I said no, mostly because I leaving for college, but I decided to just go with the flow, I knew it wasn't anything serious, and our relationship really grew from that. The other two, I had to repeatedly chase and prove myself, and moments of bliss were farther in between than that of anxiety and nervousness. I have no idea why I would crave something like that, it doesn't make sense to me. We are sometimes built in f'd up ways. I want a REAL relationship with a great person, and this girl really is. I would be lucky to be with her. I just need to cut my own BS and realize that my mentality of pulling back when others come forward is stupid, how is a loving relationship conceivable this way??
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I want a REAL relationship with a great person, and this girl really is. I would be lucky to be with her. I just need to cut my own BS and realize that my mentality of pulling back when others come forward is stupid, how is a loving relationship conceivable this way?? It's not. Maybe you aren't as ready for a loving relationship as you think you are. Do you have intimacy issues? Some people pull back when things get too close because they have a hard time opening up - really opening up and making themselves vulnerable - to someone else. It can be caused by a deep-down-inside feeling of not being good enough for anyone to want, fear that once they really get to know who you truly are, warts and all, they'll not want to be around you, fear of showing them who you are and being rejected. So they fixate on relationships that will either never work out, or pull back when the relationships starts getting serious. In many cases, it's not a deliberate, conscious choice to pull back or choose the wrong people - it's done subconsciously and comes out in the form of losing interest, not being interested in someone you perceive as being interested in you, or you start to behave badly in the relationship so the other person breaks up with them.
Trialbyfire Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 but I decided to just go with the flow, I knew it wasn't anything serious, and our relationship really grew from that. I agree with nj about possible intimacy issues, especially considering how your only LTR began, without feeling threatened by it. In essence, you relaxed and were able to bond to someone else.
Author tomtom26 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I don't think I have intimacy issues. I don't even know what that exactly means to be honest. It's a phrase thrown around a lot, but I think its quite vague and misunderstood. All I know is I like being in a relationship. I want that. I enjoy all the intimacy and closeness that comes with it, the hugging, the kissing, the holding/cuddling/spooning, the foreplay, the sex, whatever.....I don't shy away from it nor am I afraid of it. In fact, I feel like I'm more of a touchy-feely person as compared to my peers. I think a lot has to do with that fact that this girl might be IT, and its natural for someone to feel scared if not nervous to get into that kind of relationship, kinda like cold feet right before a wedding. The thoughts are often illogical and self-damaging, but they do arise and I'm just trying to effectively analyze and deal with them
Jilly Bean Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 When you're chasing hard, that means you are uncertain and there is a level of anxiety underlying the entire relationship for you. That anxiety is often misunderstood as excitement and desire. Each time you are successful in getting her to go out with you again, or you feel you've made a little progress, the adrenaline rush kicks in. Score! And when she steps back and you have to win her over again, the anxiety and adrenaline kick in which make you think you want her so much. If you were to ever really stop and think about it, you might find that she's not all that, but you're caught up in her catch and release cycle. When you are with someone you don't need to continue chasing constantly, that anxiety isn't there. So the adrenaline rush isn't there once you establish an exclusive relationship. And that misleads you to believe that the relationship is lacking, isn't exciting. Your level of maturity and where you are in your life - what you really want form a relationship - is what determines whether you will graduate to opening your heart and loving someone who is not forcing the adrenaline rush all the time. Most excellent post, NJ.
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I don't think I have intimacy issues. I don't even know what that exactly means to be honest. It's a phrase thrown around a lot, but I think its quite vague and misunderstood. All I know is I like being in a relationship. I want that. I enjoy all the intimacy and closeness that comes with it, the hugging, the kissing, the holding/cuddling/spooning, the foreplay, the sex, whatever.....I don't shy away from it nor am I afraid of it. In fact, I feel like I'm more of a touchy-feely person as compared to my peers. I think a lot has to do with that fact that this girl might be IT, and its natural for someone to feel scared if not nervous to get into that kind of relationship, kinda like cold feet right before a wedding. The thoughts are often illogical and self-damaging, but they do arise and I'm just trying to effectively analyze and deal with them I wasn't referring to physical intimacy - I meant emotional intimacy, as I described above - letting someone into your head and heart and letting them know who you really are. It's touchy-feely on an emotional level. Letting her know what makes you tick, letting her know when you feel hurt or vulnerable, what you are sensitive about, what touches your pride, when something makes you scared or nervous, letting her see you and know you when you're not at your best, speaking to her with few boundaries in terms of what you'd tell her about your internal feelings and thoughts.
Thaddeus Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 It's touchy-feely on an emotional level. Letting her know what makes you tick, letting her know when you feel hurt or vulnerable, what you are sensitive about, what touches your pride, when something makes you scared or nervous, letting her see you and know you when you're not at your best, speaking to her with few boundaries in terms of what you'd tell her about your internal feelings and thoughts.Whoa Nellie, slow down. *sounds of horses hoofs clomping in the dirt* By all means, norajane is right, but there's an element that's missing. If you do this sort of thing in a "blurt" too early in the relationship, I can virtually guarantee you that your newfound partner will automatically and immediately lose respect for you. You, as a man, are to lead. Now, leading does not mean being a cold arrogant b@st@rd and forever keeping things to yourself. But it does mean that when it comes time for vulnerability, you must do it like you seduce a woman: slowly, carefully, watching for cues and observing the responses. Just as many women suggest to take it slow in a relationship (especially sexually, where they feel they're most vulnerable), it's also important for a man to take it slow in letting his innermost feelings and vulnerabilities show through.
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Most excellent post, NJ. Thanks, I try! And I have a passing familiarity with the self-destructive concept...
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Whoa Nellie, slow down. *sounds of horses hoofs clomping in the dirt* By all means, norajane is right, but there's an element that's missing. If you do this sort of thing in a "blurt" too early in the relationship, I can virtually guarantee you that your newfound partner will automatically and immediately lose respect for you. You, as a man, are to lead. Now, leading does not mean being a cold arrogant b@st@rd and forever keeping things to yourself. But it does mean that when it comes time for vulnerability, you must do it like you seduce a woman: slowly, carefully, watching for cues and observing the responses. Just as many women suggest to take it slow in a relationship (especially sexually, where they feel they're most vulnerable), it's also important for a man to take it slow in letting his innermost feelings and vulnerabilities show through. I wasn't suggesting he put it all out there. I was describing emotional intimacy, the kind that people develop over time, true partners in a relationship. He was in a relationship with someone for 3 years - at some point, if he hadn't revealed any of that sort of stuff about himself, or starting withdrawing when they get close to that level, then it's a sign that he may have intimacy issues.
RovingDaisy45 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Maybe it's just the prospect of love/relationships that intrigues you, but once you get there, you don't know what to do.
Author tomtom26 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I wasn't suggesting he put it all out there. I was describing emotional intimacy, the kind that people develop over time, true partners in a relationship. He was in a relationship with someone for 3 years - at some point, if he hadn't revealed any of that sort of stuff about himself, or starting withdrawing when they get close to that level, then it's a sign that he may have intimacy issues. Yeah I know what you mean, but historically I'm actual quote open about my feelings and emotions, actually too much so sometimes. I would probably predict that my last two relationships failed cuz I came on too strong and showed too much vulnerability which kinda made me look desperate and needy.......like Thadd was saying. I think at this stage of my life I am ready for a relationship. I just want to work for it and not be given to me. This is personality that I have with everything, even work. Not to say that this relationship is easy or in the bag, its far from it, but this feeling is very much new to me. I don't think I am settling, but there are a few traits I see that I would want her to have, but she doesn't, but no one is perfect. I don't think I am anybody "PERFECT" guy, but I'm a great guy, as is this "great" girl. I just wanted to get some feedback if anyone's been through something like this at the onset of a relationship, and how it turned out........feeling get worse, it went away......???
Author tomtom26 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Maybe it's just the prospect of love/relationships that intrigues you, but once you get there, you don't know what to do. I've never really thought about it that way........hmmm, but I have been in love before and I wanted to get married, even though we were young and not ready for marriage. I definitely know what love/relationships are, and I have been through my share of heartbreaks. But I still like your point, it's got me thinking
bac Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I guess people normally lose some excitement for their partners if they are together for a long time. But it is not nesessary total lost of interest, just things getting more boring. You need to have connection with your partner on emotional and intellectual level to make relationship more interesting. I have this problem of lost of interest with men when I have with them only sexual connection and because i am not ready to settle. Other words, I know what I want and that I am not ready to settle and that I want to see new people. I think you need to ask yourself what you really want and go from there. Go with flow and you will see if your lost of interest getting worse or better. In relationships, you never know before you try. Could you please explain me some things about chasing. What does 'chase' mean for a man? What kind of things do you do when you are chasing? Is it like she is always unavailable, hard to get, rejecting sex, not answering calls and texts, flirting with other guys? What kind of things that she does make you lose interest? Is it like she tells you how much she likes you, kisses, touches, show her desire to have sex with you and how much she likes it, wants to be with you all the time? I wonder are there any men who do not care for chasing.
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