Heartford Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 This guy and I have been going out for about 6 months, and keeping it light, which I liked quite a bit. I've been in serious relationships, so I wanted to go slow. Anyway, he went on a trip with his buddy, and meanwhile I went on a trip with mine; when I got back I called him and he was totally distant. He had texted me, when I got home I called him, he didn't pick up, so I left a voice mail. Then he called me and rang only once (weird). Then he texted. Then I called him back, he answered and was totally cold. I wanted to tell him all these things about my trip, but he listened and wouldn't respond, was weird. Then he asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell him, so I did, I told him about this guy on the trip that was kind of interested in me, which made me realize how much I was into my guy, and so I told him that. He got even colder and said he doesn't have feelings for me, so I asked if we should break up and he said yes. So I hung up and now am hurt and confused! When I said before about keeping it light, that means we haven't made being exclusive an issue, but we are always together and have basically recently started sleeping together. He knew that my sleeping with him wasn't something I did lightly. So what is happening? Why did he dump me all of a sudden?
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Sleeping with him changed the gravity of the situation and proably he views it as more of a commitment now. Unfortunately for whatever reason (I guess he didn't say), he is now uncomfortable with the idea of a deeper commitment. It is unfortunate that he would handle this over the phone versus in person which is more acceptable. You didn't ask him any questions? I'm guessing you are confused also because he didn't provide you with full reasons. I am sorry you are going through this - he was very abrupt and probably doesn't know how to deal with his own emotions well. He didn't treat you correctly as far as how he handled this - quite cold.
Author Heartford Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Thank you girlygirl, everything you said is true. He was quite abrupt, I tried asking questions, but he wouldn't say anything, so we ended the phone conversation. I feel used now, like he slept with me (after a long period of dating) and then is now not into me, so he doesn't care. But part of me thinks he was into me, had true feelings, but can't admit them. I mean, I really felt them. But maybe that is not true at all. I'm so confused, I don't know.
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Thank you girlygirl, everything you said is true. He was quite abrupt, I tried asking questions, but he wouldn't say anything, so we ended the phone conversation. I feel used now, like he slept with me (after a long period of dating) and then is now not into me, so he doesn't care. But part of me thinks he was into me, had true feelings, but can't admit them. I mean, I really felt them. But maybe that is not true at all. I'm so confused, I don't know. How old are you guys? It sounds like he is immature and doesn't want to deal with any deeper emotions. Either that or he is simply scared of having anything serious and in his mind having sex wil make it more serious (this can often be the case for women). Well he did date you for a long time, so hopefully you shouldn't feel too used as he did enjoy your company for quite some time. We don't know how he feels. I do think your best bet is to go cold turkey and ignore him - don't contact him. I think since he hasn't answered any questions, he is likely to come back to you. I dont know what he will want, but it may be a chance to ask him questions. You should ask yourself if you would want to date a guy who could act this way and treat you so coldly.
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 He didn't dump you over nothing, he dumped you because he didn't have feelings for you. He said it himself, he actually did you a favor. You guys had a light relationship, nothing serious and he let you know before it got serious that he would never want something serious with you. It might hurt a little now, but it's honestly much better than him not saying anything now- know he doesn't want something serious, waits until a year into you being head over heels- and then breaks up and says "well I never planned to be serious with you, anyway".
Author Heartford Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 We're in our 30's, which I think is way too old to be acting this way. I guess you're right, about not contacting him. I've had the urge many times all day, but haven't because why? I mean if he had no reason for me last night what is going to change? I really think he had feelings for me, as I did for him. But I guess he doesn't want me anyway? I guess I'm not good enough for him? So he slept with me and then dumps me like this, like nothing?
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 We're in our 30's, which I think is way too old to be acting this way. I guess you're right, about not contacting him. I've had the urge many times all day, but haven't because why? I mean if he had no reason for me last night what is going to change? I really think he had feelings for me, as I did for him. But I guess he doesn't want me anyway? I guess I'm not good enough for him? So he slept with me and then dumps me like this, like nothing? He slept with you and dumped you, and you think he has feelings for you because why exactly?
Author Heartford Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 I wouldn't have slept with him if I didn't think our feelings were growing mutually. I know he had feelings for me. But that doesn't change what he's said and done now, breaking up. I'm not a person that gives sex easily, and he knew that. I felt it was right, because he was really into me. That's why this is a shock to me, it's like he was mad I went away with other girls and guys and is punishing me. That's what it feels like.
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I wouldn't have slept with him if I didn't think our feelings were growing mutually. I know he had feelings for me. But that doesn't change what he's said and done now, breaking up. I'm not a person that gives sex easily, and he knew that. I felt it was right, because he was really into me. That's why this is a shock to me, it's like he was mad I went away with other girls and guys and is punishing me. That's what it feels like. If that's what it is then you do not want to be in a relationship with someone THAT controlling anyway. Didn't you say he also went on a trip? What made you think the feelings were growing mutually?
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 If you both are in your 30s and he acted this way, then I think he realized that this was turning serious after the sex was added into the mix. For whatever reason (doesn't have impression this would be for long-term, not as strong feelings as he though he had earlier, doesn't want a serious relationship now, personal issues), he decided that he doesn't want a relationship now. And knowing his age again, I would def not reach out to him first if I were you. How long did you wait for intimacy?
Author Heartford Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Yes he went on an overnight trip, as did I. I don't know how to explain exactly what made me think the feelings were growing mutually; I just felt he cared about me and I finally felt comfortable and safe enough to let go with him. That happened last week. So then we go on mutual trips, and he acts this way. He has always been interested in what I've done, who I've hung out with, etc etc until this. Suddenly he was cold and didn't want to talk.
hoping2heal Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Yes he went on an overnight trip, as did I. I don't know how to explain exactly what made me think the feelings were growing mutually; I just felt he cared about me and I finally felt comfortable and safe enough to let go with him. That happened last week. So then we go on mutual trips, and he acts this way. He has always been interested in what I've done, who I've hung out with, etc etc until this. Suddenly he was cold and didn't want to talk. I'm sorry that happened to you. You really deserve someone who will be careful with your heart. That is true caring about you, this man didn't. Let him go you need better treatment.
Author Heartford Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 If you both are in your 30s and he acted this way, then I think he realized that this was turning serious after the sex was added into the mix. For whatever reason (doesn't have impression this would be for long-term, not as strong feelings as he though he had earlier, doesn't want a serious relationship now, personal issues), he decided that he doesn't want a relationship now. And knowing his age again, I would def not reach out to him first if I were you. How long did you wait for intimacy? Basically we had sex just last week. Everything was fine, but he had an overnight trip planned with a buddy, cool, I had one with a friend too -- I told him where I was going, he made a comment about it being all guys, (because it's a guy event) and I told him of my girlfriend going, how we always go, etc etc. So then this happens. WTH?
Author Heartford Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 So, should I call him? I'm so confused? What do I do?
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 So, should I call him? I'm so confused? What do I do? Definitely do not call him. The way he left you - coldly, it is for him to follow-up if he wants. He wasn't even chomping at the bit to get in touch after you had taken your separate trips. You said he broke up over nothing but it seems kind of like it is something. You had a recent event (sex) and then now he wants to break up. The sex was a commitment-invoking act and so now he wants to walk. It seems he may have been harboring thoughts or doubts but knows he has to man up now and not just stay for sex if he isn't in it for real. Listen - keep your dignity here. He broke up with you over the PHONE after 6 months of dating. Aren't you offended by that? You have self respect I believe so I would guide you to just not do anything. He knows where/how to find you if he wants you. Just keep remembering how he broke up with you. . .his voice tone, words etc. That should keep you from contacting him. Since that was his methdology, that should say enough.
Author Heartford Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Definitely do not call him. The way he left you - coldly, it is for him to follow-up if he wants. He wasn't even chomping at the bit to get in touch after you had taken your separate trips. You said he broke up over nothing but it seems kind of like it is something. You had a recent event (sex) and then now he wants to break up. The sex was a commitment-invoking act and so now he wants to walk. It seems he may have been harboring thoughts or doubts but knows he has to man up now and not just stay for sex if he isn't in it for real. Listen - keep your dignity here. He broke up with you over the PHONE after 6 months of dating. Aren't you offended by that? You have self respect I believe so I would guide you to just not do anything. He knows where/how to find you if he wants you. Just keep remembering how he broke up with you. . .his voice tone, words etc. That should keep you from contacting him. Since that was his methdology, that should say enough. Thank you, you're right girlygirl. I'm so offended that he hasn't called me or anything since then. I can't believe it. I was imagining myself calling and saying "you have to give me a reason, this is unreal, at least explain something to me" but I guess that won't be good. I don't know. Thank you.
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