yes Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 hi everybody. I am currently very VERY tempted to email my ex and ask him to come back to me. This is ridiculous given our history of two short flings after which he ran like a rabbit. But it's been almost a year and i still mistake people for him in the street. I turn down dates and when i think about what's wrong w/ the guy i turned down it comes down to - he's not him (i.e. my ex). I am tempted to ask him (for the first and last time) to be with me, and if he says no - block him from my life entirely (I did this last time he ran away, but he slowly worked it back to speaking terms), and if he says yes - well, give it a try, hoping he won't run again, after several months. I know this is ridiculous - I should simply date others. But at the end of a tiring day, all I want is a hug from the goddamn ex. He's young and not ready to settle down. But a part of me hopes that we could get through it even if he cheats at some point. My mind is screaming NO! but everything else just wants him, dammit. *sigh* -yes
crazyglue03 Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 I would tell you not to email him. I know this isn't going to be what you want to hear, but he would only end up using you again. And really, do you need the heartache? Take some you time and change your life for the better. Years from now you will laugh at the whole situation. Granted it will take time. But I believe you can find someone out there that won't use and abuse you like the ex did. You need to relax and when you're ready find a guy that wants to appreciate you for you. And this one won't turn tails and run away. Good luck
Author yes Posted November 10, 2003 Author Posted November 10, 2003 i do agree with you. i won't email him tonight for sure. but there's a glimpse of hope in me about him that just won't die... i suppose a year isn't TOO long a time, i was all about him for over a year... *sigh* -yes
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 I would tell you not to email him but I know how you feel. It's been more than 2 1/2 years since my ex & I broke up, and I haven't found anyone to replace him in my heart. Not for lack of trying. And I do think/hope that someday (soon, please!) I will meet someone who can capture my interest the way my ex has. But in the meantime, I'm still convinced that he is right for me. He doesn't feel the same way. I know this. We're in touch from time to time. He lives overseas, so it's doubly impossible. But when he remarked to me last week in an email that he is still enormously attracted to me but "as we long ago agreed we need to be with other people" I corrected his misperception. Acknowledging that he didn't love me, I told him that if he did, I'd say that he's the one for me. And that I haven't stopped loving him. I wouldn't take him back unless he did really love me. He doesn't. C'est la vie. But I feel better for having let him know where I stand on it all. I don't feel belittled or embarrassed. I feel what I feel. I'm not waiting for him to say anything in response (he hasn't). I didn't ask him what he thought, or how he felt. I just told him what I thought and felt. yes, I can't believe you would want to be with your ex if he was going to cheat on you. I'm guessing that you wish he could hurry up and grow into the person you believe he is capable of being. And maybe you'd be willing to tough it out for a bit until he got there. But what if he didn't? Or what if you had to wait for 10 years before he settled down? You don't want that. If you were expressing yourself with no expectation for him one way or another -- no expectation to change, no expectation to reciprocate your feelings, or even respond to your revelation at all, I'd say yeah, go ahead and speak up. What have you got to lose? Or even if you were just hoping for reciprocation, why not tell him. But you're hoping he will change his ways, and soon. And that's not something you should count on. So my advice: don't say anything to your ex. Nothing wrong with keeping in touch with him a bit. But recognize that your future, at least the foreseeable future, probably lies in other directions. Unless he is able to love you and really be with you (which would mean no cheating!), you don't really want him back. No matter how much you miss him.
Iamhappy Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 yes: Don't contact him. There is never an occasion when cheating would be considered an acceptable act between two people who love, care for and respect each other. midori: 2 1/2 years? How is it that you've managed to avoid being a cynic about love, marriage and all that jazz? I'd really like to know.
Author yes Posted November 10, 2003 Author Posted November 10, 2003 Man, you've hit the nail right on the head: I do wish he'd hurry up and become the person I think he can be. I think he can be a great person, if he drops his habit of jumping gal-to-gal every few months. He's not the cutest or smartest or anything -est I've ever met, but I just think he can be amazing. It's probably best to do like you said - keep in touch vaguely (we do exchange emails), and see what happens. He'll eventually marry somebody who speaks his language and is of his religion, probably, and it's going to be best for him... but i ain't going to the wedding, errrgh. I am also waiting and hoping somebody would show up and excite me more than this goddamn ex did ... I do like guys all the time, but it's always in passing - as soon as they like me back, I don't care anymore... good luck to you midori! -yes
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Originally posted by Iamnotnothing midori: 2 1/2 years? How is it that you've managed to avoid being a cynic about love, marriage and all that jazz? I'd really like to know. What's to be bitter about? Unrequited love happens. It's a complicated story between me and my ex. We needed to break up when we did (though I didn't see that at the time). I've learned a lot about myself and I wouldn't have if we'd stayed together at the time. So I haven't found love yet. I have a lot of other things to be thankful for. Sure, I hate being alone, especially during the holidays. I would love to have love in my life, absolutely. But I don't believe in one-per-customer. I don't think my ex is the only one out there that I could love. I just haven't met anyone else yet. But I'm rather particular. And it's not like I haven't had some fun dating different guys along the way. I'm not miserable. And I'm not waiting on pins and needles for my ex to come back to me and make it all right.
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Originally posted by yes Man, you've hit the nail right on the head: I do wish he'd hurry up and become the person I think he can be. I think he can be a great person, if he drops his habit of jumping gal-to-gal every few months. He's not the cutest or smartest or anything -est I've ever met, but I just think he can be amazing. yeah, but you wouldn't be happy with him as he is, no matter how amazing. I am also waiting and hoping somebody would show up and excite me more than this goddamn ex did ... I do like guys all the time, but it's always in passing - as soon as they like me back, I don't care anymore... I'm in the same boat. All I can say is, just keep at it. You might try to figure out what it is about your ex that you find so appealing -- he doesn't have an exclusive patent on those traits, nor even on that particular combination of those traits. You might then be better able to look more specifically for a guy who'll fit the bill. And remember, it's not just about his self-contained characteristics, but about the role he played in your life. For example, maybe your ex is very artistic, and maybe that's something you really value and want to have in your life, especially if you feel you're not artistic yourself. In addition to looking for a love interest who's artistic, you could seek out artistic friends -- another way to satisfy that need you have. Then you could maybe be satisfied with a guy who's just interested in art, like you, rather than needing him to be artistic himself. Know what I mean? good luck to you midori! -yes Thanks yes, and you too. I might sound very upbeat, but I'll admit up front that it's not always easy.
Author yes Posted November 10, 2003 Author Posted November 10, 2003 midori, you're so right about keeping in mind what role the guy played in your life. this guy has a whole list of characteristics that i'd love to have. he was also one of the first people to whom i really opened up and felt a direct connection between us, - we could talk for hours (like 5-6 hrs), even on the phone, something that rarely happens to me. so i should definitely seek direct connections that go beyond "what have you been upto". and i should definitely seek people who have those traits i liked in him - that's a great idea. the more i think of it, the more i see that these true connections with people is what i'm missing in my life - i blame it on others things when i'm down (like my field not being purposeful enough, etc), but it's really all about that. only recently, i've started to try to be close with people, to open up a little bit and see if they reciprocate, and last night was the first time in my life (how sad) when a friend contacted me because he wanted to rant/vent and just needed someone to talk to. i am so glad he did, i hope i did an OK job at listening ... thanks a lot for your comments, -yes
moimeme Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 I just think he can be amazing. Interesting remark! Hard to tell whether you mean 'can be' as in future potential, or if you just mean that he is occasionally amazing. If the former, be careful. It's a mistake to fall for a person's potential. Take it from somebody who's been there. It is true they might live up to it, but I think the wisest thing is to find someone who is realizing or has realized his potential. Of course, if that's not what you meant, that little blurb above is moot. yes am also waiting and hoping somebody would show up midori Thanks yes, and you too. I might sound very upbeat, but I'll admit up front that it's not always easy. I'm with you, fellow ladies-in-waiting.
Author yes Posted November 10, 2003 Author Posted November 10, 2003 i did mean in the future, cuz currently he's dogging after girls - and that's the only problem i see with him, really. the rest of his imperfections seem great to me. so there is a chance that he'll mature up in a few years - but even then, i'm afraid he just wouldn't be into me enough. just one thing about this waiting: it bothers me somewhat, because i'm afraid that this mindset of waiting for someone to excite us more than an ex (i.e. comparing every new guy's effect to the ex's) may be fatal to many potentially good r/s's. but then nobody wants something less than what they've once had... i dunna. I like midori's idea of seeing what the guy brought to your life and seeking it in general, not necessarily in a man. -yes
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Originally posted by yes and i should definitely seek people who have those traits i liked in him - that's a great idea. I think it's far better to be deliberate and thoughtful about the people you cultivate relationships with -- friendships, romances, whatever. To just passively take what comes your way is far less likely to yield what you're looking for.
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Originally posted by yes just one thing about this waiting: it bothers me somewhat, because i'm afraid that this mindset of waiting for someone to excite us more than an ex (i.e. comparing every new guy's effect to the ex's) may be fatal to many potentially good r/s's. but then nobody wants something less than what they've once had... i dunna. I like midori's idea of seeing what the guy brought to your life and seeking it in general, not necessarily in a man. -yes Don't look at it as waiting for your ex, because there's a very good chance that things are never going to work out for you two. Like my ex, yours has many things you're looking for, but he also has a huge, glaring flaw, one that cannot be overlooked: he doesn't love you. I'm just living with the fact that I love someone who doesn't love me. I don't see him as an option. For a while I was afraid that I was, because recently I was dating a guy who I had become friends with. This guy is wonderful: very smart, very kind, accomplished and very handsome in the way that I go for. But while we get along well as friends, there was no "spark" between us (not that I felt) and I worried that I was comparing him unfavorably to my ex. As it turns out, that wasn't the problem -- we're just not suited romantically. It was a relief actually because I'd been worried that I was going to sabotage my chances with anyone who isn't my ex. But I really do think that if I met someone who was right for me, my ex would find himself bumped right out of my heart (which would be a relief to him, I suspect!).
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 I hear what you're saying Guidette, and while I agree in principle -- that's why I told my ex, so at least I wouldn't have that "what-if" hanging over my head -- I think yes's ex would need to undergo a major change before he would be acceptable to her. My ex simply doesn't love me; if he did, he would say so and we'd see what we were going to do about it. I'm not looking for him to change anything about himself. But yes is hoping that her ex will grow up, despite knowing that he hasn't yet. What if yes's ex says, "great, I want you back cos I've been missing you a lot too." What would she gain? A guy who cares about her, but not enough to not cheat on her. I think that speaking truthfully is good, but if there are conditions built in, you have to ask what the point is. Yes would basically have to say to her ex, "I still love you and want to be with you if you think you have grown up and are ready to commit."
Author yes Posted November 10, 2003 Author Posted November 10, 2003 midori, you are right, my question for him would be: "I still love you and want to be with you if you think you have grown up and are ready to commit." another question that's stuck in my head is if there's really such a thing as "not ready to committ". doesn't it just mean "you're not worth enough to me to control my urges to try others"? i mean i dont feel ready to settle down, but when it comes to thinking of my ex, it's different, i do feel like i'd have no trouble not seeing others. btw, when i said i'd accept cheating i was going overboard - what i meant was that i'd accept a bumpy r/s until he grows up, if that means i can have him after he grows up. i mean i prolly have some growing up to do, too. so the best thing is probably to just keep in touch for now. i do let him know that i sometimes miss him, and he says that he does too. -yes
Author yes Posted November 10, 2003 Author Posted November 10, 2003 Guidette, i think a part of me hopes to get back together and realize he's not right for me. I know in my mind he's not right, but that doesn't prevent me from loving him. But even if we get back together and i see he's not right now, i may again think that it's just that he needs to grow up... i see no end of this. -yes
midori Posted November 10, 2003 Posted November 10, 2003 Originally posted by yes another question that's stuck in my head is if there's really such a thing as "not ready to committ". doesn't it just mean "you're not worth enough to me to control my urges to try others"? i mean i dont feel ready to settle down, but when it comes to thinking of my ex, it's different, i do feel like i'd have no trouble not seeing others. I don't think that's necessarily true. People cheat for different reasons: not getting what they want out of their primary relationship is an obvious one. But there are lots of internal reasons too: extreme insecurity, not wishing to settle down and compromise on the little things in life -- so they sabotage the relationship by cheating. I think you'd drive yourself crazy trying to figure out whether or not your ex really loved you, or loves you still. In a way it doesn't matter, because he engaged in, and will continue to engage in behavior that you find unacceptable.
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