MSUE Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 ok...I'll try to make this short...I have been w my boyfriend for 2 years n and we live together now...its been a year since we moved in and its been great...he is an only child and he used to live w his mom prior to...the problem is this woman who I do love and care for a great deal has some serious issues My boyfriend certainly isn't a saint and we have been battling 3 court cases at the same time...the outcome could have been up to 10 years...but a great lawyer can do wonders and now its no jail time whatsoever just 5 years probation...of course thousands and thousands later Anyhow after winning one battle she asked us to come over to celebrate...I did not want to go...I knew she was going to be drinking and would more than likely be nasty...but my BF insisted since she has helped him a great deal w lawyer fees it was the right thing to do so we went...we were just relaxing watching tv and Kendra was on on E! and I said I love her I think she's hysterical...something clicked in her brain God only knows how...she started insulting me screaming like a child about me not caring about religion and how horrible of a person I am because of it...that 2 people must be married before they have a child...and on and on and on about how disgusting and terrible that I don't care about the important things in life...she accused me of only spending time w her or coming over when I need something...I have never asked her for anything except strawberries one time cause i was having a hard time finding good ones by us...yes she has always helped us with groceries or gas money out of the kindness of her heart when she is sober but we have never ever asked her for any of it at all...however we have always been extremely thankful specially myself... my BF doesn't speak to his dad( they are divorced) because he is very abusive verbally and emotionally and he abused him physically when he was a child...I have nothing to do w it and his decision of not speaking to him ...she called me selfish and self centered...she said I don't care about her and I never do anything for her...thats her own doing cause everytime I offer to help w anything she turns me down...like going to the dr, fixing her cell, buying the new tv errands all together...she shuts me down every single time. During her screaming temper tantrum My BF looked at me and got up went to his old bedroom picked up a couple things he had there and we left...I didn't argue back I simply got up and said i didn't come here to argue its time to go home...well that made her more furious...she screamed so loud the neighbours were outside...I felt like I was walking the walk of shame...I was embarassed...I cried for days...how could she do this to me? my BF wants me to not think about her or deal with her he says she's always going to be this way and I always end up extremely hurt ...she's too old to change nor does she see her alcohol problem...I want a relationship but I'm not going to take her crap anymore...so I wrote her a letter and I targeted every insult every point she made one by one...I wrote "if you are so religious yourself then you should know it is not your place to judge others based on their religious views that is God's place and only God's to decide/judge " and that she doesn't need to agree or accept my beliefs and views but she does need to respect them like I respect hers...and then some more...I also asked her in the letter to please not call or write back if it will not be in good terms...I know by now she's gotten my letter since its been 2 weeks and she lives 20 mins away and and I'm really wondering if its processing...I don't think I was rude I needed to defend myself I told her that the reason I left was because it was the right thing to do cause herscreaming temper tantrum was uncalled for and hurtful and I was not going to put myself at that level...blah blah blah anyhow sorry its so long I really tried to minimized as much as possible...what do you guys think? suggest? where do I go from here? She has gone as far as not going to court to support his son to stay away from me...before she would call my BF daily...granted some of the calls were late into the evening and drunk as s*** being very mean to him too but most calls were just to check on him and our well being...since the incident she has not been calling him at all only for lunch for his Bday of course not inviting me... I don't know what to do with her anymore...I feel her attitude towards my BF is nothing more than her trying to manipulate the situation and turn him against me cause in her sick head I'm the evil one...in the she has gone as far as threatning us with alll this stress is going to make her cancer come back...the stress is caused by her own actions particularly her drinking
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 She is a drunk and /or crazy and abusive on top of that. Do not take money or favors from her ever unless you wish to be in her debt. It doesnt matter if you dont ask for the help...by accepting it you and BF are, in her eyes, obliged to deal with her abuse. You do not have to deal with her. To participate in this garbage with her, as in writing the letter, is of no use. If your bf is dependent on her in any way, then I guess he has to deal with her. But you cannot seriously be expected to take this on.
dreamergrl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I agree with the above. Don't take anything from her, because until she learns and is willing to fix her issues, she will hold this over your head. In her mind, most likely, the nice things make up for the not so nice things. You need to sit down with your bf, and let him know you will not be going back there. You do not deserve the abuse. Nor does he, but if he feels like he should go over there, then that is on him. When it's someone we really love - it's hard to walk away from the abuse, or if we've been putting up with it for so long that it just seems normal.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 She is a drunk and /or crazy and abusive on top of that. Do not take money or favors from her ever unless you wish to be in her debt. It doesnt matter if you dont ask for the help...by accepting it you and BF are, in her eyes, obliged to deal with her abuse. You do not have to deal with her. To participate in this garbage with her, as in writing the letter, is of no use. If your bf is dependent on her in any way, then I guess he has to deal with her. But you cannot seriously be expected to take this on. TOTALLY agree. You can't take help from people that keep score, or you're never going to hear the end of it. I learned my lesson on that one. Don't accept it in any way, shape, or form. And really - you can't reason with a drunk. So there would have been no point for her son to have argued with her over you. He did the right thing by ignoring her. You would have been well-advised to do the same. And I'd say there was no point to the letter. It's not going to get through to her at all. With people like this, it's best to pretend it never happened. Realize that her attack on you was completely ridiculous and because it was groundless, it didn't mean anything. She obviously doesn't know you very well, would like to keep her son to herself. If she insults you, oh well - WTH does she know? Just ignore it. I wouldn't advise that your BF start ignoring her or rejecting invitations to go see her - because she will always be his mother no matter what. If she starts verbally abusing him while he's there, he's welcome to leave - he's a big boy. But if I were you, I'd stop going over there. You shouldn't have to put up with abuse. And if the comment gets around to you not caring, or whatever BS she's lumping on you, then you can easily say that you like going to visit people that are NICE. You have no obligation to go be abused by somebody.
Author MSUE Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I haven't seen her or spoken to her since that incident...she distanced herself on her own from my BF its her way of playing games but this time we are not falling for it...she's a master manipulator or so she thinks she is...he's not being mean to her but he is on my side and I'm happy about that...and he hasn't been calling as much because she herself stopped calling ...she does it to put him in the middle...and to try and get him on her side ...can you imagine?!?!?!? Then again in my letter I left it up to her to have a relationship and that I am willing to get past this but I made it very clear that I do not want to be contacted...I asked her to not write or call back unless it is in good terms...the letter probably went nowhere in her head...but it was something I needed to do for me...I had to somehow let it out in a manner that would not be offensive and certainly not while she was busy being an angry abusive drunk...We are now looking for a new apt looking for a 2 bedroom cause once we pay some debt down we want to have a baby... probably within a year ...I have made it very clear to my BF that I do not want my child under her care alone nor will I want her on my child's life if she continues this behaviour...about a year ago she pushed a door so hard on me she cornered me in and I got jammed in between the bedroom and closet door while she grabbed my arm ...I had minor bruises on my arm from that...my BF lost it on her and although he was not physicall with her he grabbed the giant empty bottle of wine she had drank and threw it on the floor so hard it shattered in a million pieces...although I don't agree with how either of them reacted...My BF did what he did to distract her and get her off of me ...and it worked...I was able to free myself and run out to my car...she is out of control...and I forgave her for that...( I did that on my own...she wouldn't be caught dead apologizing for anything) either I have a heart of gold or I'm just the biggest moron on earth...
Author MSUE Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 dreamergrl you got it right... "it's hard to walk away from the abuse, or if we've been putting up with it for so long that it just seems normal" he's so used to it he just ignores it all when she goes on her kicks...I on the other hand end up crying for days and days...but he finally realized that I'm not him that I didn't grow up with this" and that I can't handle it the same way he does
dreamergrl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Then just make sure you don't fall for the abuse and let it become normal in your life. It's a hard cycle to run away from. When one gets used to the abuse, we unknowingly attract it.
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