SimpleSam Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I have been seeing this girl for about six weeks now. And I don't feel like things have been progressing as of late. And I don't really know what to do? I really like her but I'm afraid that if I'm completely honest with her about some of the issues I have, it could really hurt her feelings. So I'll jump right into it. This is the longest I have waited to sleep with somebody since I was in high school. I know there does not exist a timetable when it comes to having sex with your partner, but damn?! And here is the issue that I am having trouble with: when I stayed the night over at her house a couple of weeks ago, she explained that she wasn't ready to have sex with me. Which was understandable, until she made this following statement, "I've never waited this long to sleep with a guy before. Normally, I have no problem jumping into the sack with somebody, but with you I don't want the sex to be terrible." That was more of a paraphrase, but close enough. So, yesterday I was feeling a little frisky, and tried to make some moves. She said how she wasn't feeling real well, which pissed me off. But I didn't show my disappointment towards her. So here's what I think; 1) she really is into me and doesn't want to rush anything, or 2) she is seeing another guy. If there are more explanations, please provide because I'm getting kinda fed up at this point.
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I have been seeing this girl for about six weeks now. And I don't feel like things have been progressing as of late. And I don't really know what to do? I really like her but I'm afraid that if I'm completely honest with her about some of the issues I have, it could really hurt her feelings. So I'll jump right into it. This is the longest I have waited to sleep with somebody since I was in high school. I know there does not exist a timetable when it comes to having sex with your partner, but damn?! And here is the issue that I am having trouble with: when I stayed the night over at her house a couple of weeks ago, she explained that she wasn't ready to have sex with me. Which was understandable, until she made this following statement, "I've never waited this long to sleep with a guy before. Normally, I have no problem jumping into the sack with somebody, but with you I don't want the sex to be terrible." That was more of a paraphrase, but close enough. So, yesterday I was feeling a little frisky, and tried to make some moves. She said how she wasn't feeling real well, which pissed me off. But I didn't show my disappointment towards her. So here's what I think; 1) she really is into me and doesn't want to rush anything, or 2) she is seeing another guy. If there are more explanations, please provide because I'm getting kinda fed up at this point. The only thing that matters is - she doesn't want to have sex with you. Why she doesn't want to doesn't really matter. Might be other guys, might be lack of chemistry, whatever...
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 You're only getting played if you're solely dating, for the sex. If you're enjoying her company, you're getting something out of this. What's your relationship dynamic like? Have the two of you discussed exclusivity or has there been assumption of this?
samspade Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 If she's escalating things slowly, I'd say be patient and give it a couple more weeks. If you're stuck in neutral, find some other women to date and put her on the back burner. "I've never waited this long to sleep with a guy before. Normally, I have no problem jumping into the sack with somebody, but with you I don't want the sex to be terrible." This would make me think the interest just isn't there...I'd move on. But you could give it another week or two.
stace79 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 If she's escalating things slowly, I'd say be patient and give it a couple more weeks. If you're stuck in neutral, find some other women to date and put her on the back burner. This would make me think the interest just isn't there...I'd move on. But you could give it another week or two. I disagree completely. Maybe she used to have lower standards and decided she's ready for something more meaningful and she wants it with you. If a girl really wants something to work out, we don't jump in bed quickly. I agree with a previous response -- if you are just in it for sex, then yeah you're being played. Do you not enjoy hanging out with her? When you say you "like" her does that just mean you find her attractive and are lusting for her?
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I disagree completely. Maybe she used to have lower standards and decided she's ready for something more meaningful and she wants it with you. If a girl really wants something to work out, we don't jump in bed quickly. Haha, in real life, women don't wait with sex because 'they are ready for something more meaningful'. That's just an excuse for the guys they don't want to have sex with, but still string along...
stace79 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Haha, in real life, women don't wait with sex because 'they are ready for something more meaningful'. That's just an excuse for the guys they don't want to have sex with, but still string along... Uhh, wrong. When I was younger and didn't realize that having a boyfriend wasn't mandatory, I'd make all sorts of stupid decisions, like having sex too soon or putting up with being treated wrongly by guys. I thought you had to put up with those things if you wanted a boyfriend. But then I realized I can be happy without a guy so I don't have to do those things, and if a guy doesn't make me happy then he's not worth doing those things anyway. Trust me, since that revelation there have been guys I was very attracted to that I would not fool around with because I didn't want to be used or just a fling. A girl who wants to be more serious will ask a guy to wait. Not that there aren't girls who don't string guys along, but you could tell that through OTHER actions, not just the lack of sex.
bills53082 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Hmm, i'm in the same situation bro. I am also thinking the same things about this girl, your not in philly are you?
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Uhh, wrong. When I was younger and didn't realize that having a boyfriend wasn't mandatory, I'd make all sorts of stupid decisions, like having sex too soon or putting up with being treated wrongly by guys. I thought you had to put up with those things if you wanted a boyfriend. But then I realized I can be happy without a guy so I don't have to do those things, and if a guy doesn't make me happy then he's not worth doing those things anyway. Trust me, since that revelation there have been guys I was very attracted to that I would not fool around with because I didn't want to be used or just a fling. A girl who wants to be more serious will ask a guy to wait. Not that there aren't girls who don't string guys along, but you could tell that through OTHER actions, not just the lack of sex. Maybe you are the exception. Or all the woman in my life were. Probably also an age thing, teenagers are more likely to wait, I guess.
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Maybe you are the exception. Or all the woman in my life were. Probably also an age thing, teenagers are more likely to wait, I guess.Not true but then, if you're exposed to a different kind of environment, it's understandable. As someone who's in her mid-thirties, with less than a handful of lovers, with friends who are similar, albeit not all, it's not so unusual. Most women aren't capable of separating sex from bonding, so it's to their advantage to ensure the man is relationship material, before bonding to him even more, so you don't end up getting your heart ripped out.
samspade Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Haha, in real life, women don't wait with sex because 'they are ready for something more meaningful'. That's just an excuse for the guys they don't want to have sex with, but still string along... Quoted for truth. She is lukewarm because of the guy in question, not because of some revamped personal policy. If George Clooney walked in the door, I'm sure she wouldn't make him wait. Watch what people do, don't listen to what they say.
bac Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 There is a 5 dates rule before sex. Who knows what is in your girl's heard. Only you can ask her about her values. Maybe she never heard about any rules. If she is young, she might does not know what she is doing by herself. When a girl is young, she is confused about all these things as well. I think it is not important what she says. She maybe surprised by what she said by herself and she maybe meant something very different. I think it is important what she does. If she does not want to have sex, you have to have a serious conversation about why she does not want it.
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 bac, where do you get some of these rules from? The only rules about sex that exist, are the rules per individual. If one individual believes they're entitled to sex on the first date, that's the boundary they'll apply by walking away, if it doesn't happen. Same goes with the person who doesn't believe in sex previous to six months, a year, or until marriage. People are who they are and should NEVER do anything they should feel ashamed of, be unhappy with or regret.
Chicago_Guy Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I have been seeing this girl for about six weeks now. And I don't feel like things have been progressing as of late. And I don't really know what to do? I really like her but I'm afraid that if I'm completely honest with her about some of the issues I have, it could really hurt her feelings. So I'll jump right into it. This is the longest I have waited to sleep with somebody since I was in high school. I know there does not exist a timetable when it comes to having sex with your partner, but damn?! And here is the issue that I am having trouble with: when I stayed the night over at her house a couple of weeks ago, she explained that she wasn't ready to have sex with me. Which was understandable, until she made this following statement, "I've never waited this long to sleep with a guy before. Normally, I have no problem jumping into the sack with somebody, but with you I don't want the sex to be terrible." That was more of a paraphrase, but close enough. So, yesterday I was feeling a little frisky, and tried to make some moves. She said how she wasn't feeling real well, which pissed me off. But I didn't show my disappointment towards her. So here's what I think; 1) she really is into me and doesn't want to rush anything, or 2) she is seeing another guy. If there are more explanations, please provide because I'm getting kinda fed up at this point. I personally wouldn't have a problem with waiting if she hadn't told you that she never waits this long to sleep with a guy. The implication is that she's been with a lot of other guys and jumped into the sack right away with each of them. That cannot make you feel good. It sounds to me like she is stringing you along.
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 You really don't know how women think AT ALL. Yes, this is probably true. But, just from my own experience I can say that either a woman was so into me that we had sex on the first or second date, or it never happend. At least since I was 20 (that's why I wrote the teenager thing). And I've had two 5-year relationships, so it's not just flings...
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Not true but then, if you're exposed to a different kind of environment, it's understandable. As someone who's in her mid-thirties, with less than a handful of lovers, with friends who are similar, albeit not all, it's not so unusual. Most women aren't capable of separating sex from bonding, so it's to their advantage to ensure the man is relationship material, before bonding to him even more, so you don't end up getting your heart ripped out. My environment would be european and academic. Maybe this waiting is an american thing?
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 My environment would be european and academic. Maybe this waiting is an american thing? Since I'm not American, no, I don't think so. Canadian and a business person. Seriously!!! I was going to ask the exact same thing. I have never heard of any 5 date sex rules!?!? The only rules I follow are what my mind and heart dictates in each situation. Which seems could be the case with the OP's girl. The problem is that we live in this disposable society of sex being equal to throw away burger containers and so when someone actually has a little depth to them and they want to do things a little more methodically as opposed to whimsically and carelessly, it is perceived as "non-interest". How sad and pathetic!Maybe this comes from experience, that sex isn't the way to pay for a date or to hold a man's interest. If he's not interested in you as a person, then I have to say that he's disposable, unless you're also just looking for sex, albeit not my style or yours, butcher's hook.
Confusedalways Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 It sounds to me like she's trying to put her best foot forward and trying to clear the air and make you seem better since she used to get into bed right away but now wants to wait. Agreed with whoever said it, that she has a very bad way of saying it, but roundabout she is saying she cares about you, at least I think. Honestly I'd say if you're enjoying her company, ride it out at least a little longer.
samspade Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 If I make regular guys wait 2 months (just an example I pulled out of the air) I would make George Clooney who more than likely has his selection of easy women, wait 3 months. On principal alone I would not be one of his many easy lays. If you have willpower it doesn't matter who is infront of you. As I said, it matters not what one says but what she does. Unfortuately we can't put this to the test, so I'll have to take your word for it. However, I believe the medium IS the message, and if a woman is not showing signs of interest, then that means her interest is low and you should move on. These signs can manifest themselves in many ways - no sexual escalation, not returning phone calls, showing up late without apologizing, not wanting to do what the guy has planned on a date, etc. When a woman is really into a guy, even if she wants to wait a few dates to have sex, it will be VERY clear to him (subtextually) that the desire is there. If it's not, the guy is chasing his tail, in my opinion, and should move on.
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 One thing I should clarify is that I'm not encouraging him to ride it out. What he needs to do is to weigh his wants/needs, know what he's after with her in a way that's not only honest to himself but honest to her. Sounds to me like she's a little uncertain of where he stands and is letting him know she cares enough to not jump into a physical relationship with him.
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Well that may be true for you, but let me tell you as a woman who has had far more than just 2 sexual experiences, I can assure you it never happened on the first, second or even third date, and I was TOTALLY into these men. With some I really had to fight myself and I would come home so turned on I thought I would explode. Mostly all the men I have slept with turned into relationships. It has nothing to do with not being into him sexually, if I am not into a guy sexually I won't even kiss him. YUCK! Haha, you misinterpreted that. I didn't say I've only had 2 sexual experiences. WTF? I just mentioned the two long Rs so you wouldn't say 'see, it's just flings...' Why did you feel the need to 'fight yourself'? Why would you repress yourself like that?
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Since I'm not American, no, I don't think so. Canadian and a business person. And there I thought Canada was in america, too. The things you learn here...
Trialbyfire Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 And there I thought Canada was in america, too. The thing you learn here... Canada is in North America but not in America. It's like saying Norway is part of the EU.
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Certainly there are a million reasons why she has decided to not yet have sex with you. And those are her personal reasons, not steadfast rules, tricks etc. whatever. But what about your personal "rules?" If you feel that after X amount of time a relationship should advance to intimacy - and it hasnt...Be honest with her. Tell her you respect her and enjoy her company. Tell her that you are sorry she does not feel comfortable enough to be intimate with you, but that you dont see the relationship progressing without it. Seems fair. She isnt being pressured to compromise her morals, simply being asked to consider yours. Either that or she may have an STD and she is waiting for the antibiotics to kick in OR waiting for a good time to tell you. If you are providing most of the entertainment as far as dating goes...she may be trying to friend zone you.
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Canada is in North America but not in America. It's like saying Norway is part of the EU. So America without the north/south qualifier means USA? Good to know
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