XxSweetiexX Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I need some help! Here is my problem, my husband looks at porn and then lies about it. Even if he knows that I know he is lying, he still does it. I have to beg him to tell me the truth! I feel like I am dealing with a child sometimes. I love him so much, but I just have such a hard time trusting him right now. Is there anything that I can do to save my marriage? I do not want to divorce him, but I dont want to be with someone that I cant trust! PLEASE HELP ME!
JackJack Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Number one, stop begging him to tell you the truth. If you already know and he knows you know, why beg him for the truth? You already know the truth. What good will it do you for him to admit that he is looking at it? Weather he admits it or not, the answer is still the same, he looks at it, and you both know it. More than likely he lies because he knows you must not care for it. So he hides it and lies about it. Yes, its like a game. Stop playing his game. You're gonna get people to tell you to "get over it, all men look at porn." Yadda Yadda Yadda. That's not always the case either. You happen to have a man that does. You can not change him but you can change how you react to things. So you're going to have to think about how you want to better handle things. Maybe a compromise of some kind can be worked out?
asireen Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Is there anything that I can do to save my marriage? I do not want to divorce him, but I dont want to be with someone that I cant trust! You want to divorce him because he watches porn?? And what will be the requirement for the new guy you meet? That he not watch porn? A lot of men like variety, and watching porn satisfies it, as long as it is controlled and does not get addictive. As the men grow older, the desire will increase, not decrease. Wanting to divorce a man because he watches porn is a flimsy reason.
Author XxSweetiexX Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Okay, obviously you dont see the point. I do not care about the porn, I care about the lying. If he is lying to me about this, what else is he lying about.
Juniper22 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Okay, obviously you dont see the point. I do not care about the porn, I care about the lying. If he is lying to me about this, what else is he lying about. If you are ok with him watching the porn I see no reason why he would lie then. Have you point blank asked him why he lies about it, since you know he watches it? If so, what has his response been about why he lies? Is there a particular kind of porn he likes? I was thinking maybe if he watched something that you might think was odd, maybe he felt embarrassed by it or something?
Author XxSweetiexX Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 The porn is not anything really crazy or anything, just normal stuff i guess. I have discussed with him that I dont want him to watch it, and that I realize that he has an addiction to it. I understand slip ups, Im not a crazy person who wants my hubby to be perfect. He has told me that the porn is something that he has always done and always hid. I think that he just does not realize that he is killing our trust! How can I believe him? Can this problem be helped?
asireen Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I do not care about the porn, I care about the lying. If he is lying to me about this, what else is he lying about. Almost every one of us lies. Some small lies, some big lies, some white lies, etc. Some lies need to be confronted, for others look the other way. If you two have children together, it would be in their interest to stick around till the youngest is 18. If you do not have children together, and this is a matter of trust, you have a decision to make.
Juniper22 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Okay, obviously you dont see the point. I do not care about the porn, I care about the lying. If he is lying to me about this, what else is he lying about. In this statement you said you didn't care about the porn...so I took it to mean you don't really have a problem with him watching it. But then this other statement you said, "I've discussed with him I don't want him watching it, and that I realize he has an addiction to it." Does he realize he has an addiction to it? if so has been seeking help for this type of addiction? Just because he has always watched it doesn't mean he has a real true addiction to it. I'm sorry he feels the need for whatever reason to lie to you about it, and as far as can this be problem be helped....the only way it can be helped, is if HE views this as a problem himself. Just because you view it as one doesn't mean he does and it doesn't mean it will be solved. IF HE is the one with the "porn problem" and the "lying about it "then only he can solve this. If you have the problem with the lying or the porn either one, only you can figure out what YOU must do for yourself.
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I need some help! Here is my problem, my husband looks at porn and then lies about it. Even if he knows that I know he is lying, he still does it. I have to beg him to tell me the truth! I feel like I am dealing with a child sometimes. I love him so much, but I just have such a hard time trusting him right now. Is there anything that I can do to save my marriage? I do not want to divorce him, but I dont want to be with someone that I cant trust! PLEASE HELP ME! Stop nagging him about it.. period... it will be much easier for you since it's most probable that he WON'T stop and since you don't want to divorce.. then my only advice ... look the other way...
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Okay, obviously you dont see the point. I do not care about the porn, I care about the lying. If he is lying to me about this, what else is he lying about. Then why are you torturing yourself about it.. stop asking.. period... this is strange.. you don't mind the porn but yet you keep asking him about it.. and you know ahead of time that he will lie... and he knows that you know.. but you keep 'begging' him to LIE about it... odd!!! Just stop the 'asking'.. so he won't have to lie about it.. simple..
Juniper22 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Then why are you torturing yourself about it.. stop asking.. period... this is strange.. you don't mind the porn but yet you keep asking him about it.. and you know ahead of time that he will lie... and he knows that you know.. but you keep 'begging' him to LIE about it... odd!!! Just stop the 'asking'.. so he won't have to lie about it.. simple.. Maybe its about control for her? I mean she is begging him to tell her the truth, when she already knows the truth. I think thats odd!
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 If his porn habit affects his bedroom performances, then yeah, I can see why you're upset, but if it doesn't and you two have a good sex life, then this is something you may have to accept. Lizzie is right, if you don't ask, then maybe it'll be better. Your other option is, divorce/separation until he gets help, realizes that his porn is getting in the way.
Art_Critic Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I have discussed with him that I dont want him to watch it, There's your problem.. you are enforcing your will on someone that doesn't want to stop watching it so he is going underground.. You need a better communication between you both on why you don't like porn and he needs to respect your feelings more.. Have you thought how he feels about how you have treated him with respect to this issue ?.. I mean if my wife just blurted out that she doesn't want me to do something and I wanted to do it then guess what I'm going to do ? Now.. if my wife has a conversation with me and lets me in on how she feels about a certain subject and and I do the same to her and we both listen to one another and make adjustments .. then problem solved.. It sounds to me that you are not listening to your husband and he isn't listening to you .. It takes both people to listen to each other not one person demanding something from the other.. JMO
asireen Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Maybe its about control for her? Yes, I think so too.
MSUE Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 There is nothing wrong with men and porn...its almost always a given...looking at it and enjoying it here and there does not make you an addict...I caught my live in boyfriend a couple of times...no biggie...in fact it spiced up our sex life even more...its not a life or death lie its a white lie...he doesn't want you to be upset but he wants to enjoy it too...I'd be worried if he's paying hundreds a month and watches for hours and hours and hours at a time...its certainly not grounds for a divorce and if you feel or felt it is then its a sign of underlying issues
MSUE Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I agree with art critic certainly communication and also I'd like to add compromise...very important for any commited relationship in order for it to work
Jersey Shortie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Lets first clear something up right away. Looking at porn is not grounds for divorce for some of you. And that's fine. But lets stop dictating what should or shoulnd't bother someone else. Some people might find porn to be just that strong of an issue that it is grounds for divorce. Because porn isn't just porn. There are other issues that can easily come and most often do, when porn is envolved. I am sick of so many women being told to live a life of quite desperation. "Keep your mouth shut". "He needs porn because men can't be happy with just you." "Porn brings something to men that one real woman just can't". "Your needs as a woman are less then his needs as a man". These are the over-whelming messages time and time again. How nice it must be for men to live in a world that caters to their whims of fancy and tells the other gender to surpress theirs all based on his happiness. This does not make people who think porn is an issue enough to divorce over to be *silly*, *stupid*, *wrong* or any other thing you might think it does just because it doesn't agree to what you want in a relationship. To the OP, you clearly have issues going on. I can completely understand the shacky foundation he is creating by his porn lying. You clearly aren't that okay with porn. You have expressed this to him. He has decided his needs to look at porn are more important then the needs of the relationship between the two of you. Please involve a professional. He is not going to stop lying about it and you are not going to stop being hurt by it. Please don't settle for a life where you have to settle for a man that either A) does look at porn and can't be happy otherwise, B) Lies to you about it in hopes that you think him to be a man he is not.
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Maybe its about control for her? I mean she is begging him to tell her the truth, when she already knows the truth. I think thats odd! I think you nailed it.. CONTROL.. that's what it is..
Jersey Shortie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Whenever this issue comes up, it's a matter of control to some degree for both parties. Not just the woman.
EnigmasMuse Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Whenever this issue comes up, it's a matter of control to some degree for both parties. Not just the woman. I agree with this..its kind of like..."I'm gonna watch porn come hell or high water no matter how you feel because its what I want to do." AND for the other person its about..."And I'm going to try and control what it is you watch and do etc, because I don't like what it is you're doing."
Jersey Shortie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Right, and both of it steams from certain degrees of fear and hurt. Although, I think women tend to give more on this issue an men tend to take more. Then they wonder why their wives don't want to sleep with them .Gee, I wonder.
moo Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I don't think all men watch porn. Maybe most, but I dont' think all. I'm not going to tell you to accept it, live with it. Obviously this is bothering you very much...the fact that he did it and the lies. I don't think you should look the other way. I think you two should go to marriage counseling and address this issue. If you are suffering, you shouldn't have to just grin and bear it, no matter what the activity is that is upsetting you so much, or the lying. Really, go to counseling. Good luck. By the way, whatever is grounds for divorce is that person's personal feelings, not whateveryone else says. A person passing gas incessantly can be grounds for a divorce if it upsets you so much that you feel like you are suffering. Grounds for divorce is your own person opinion. Really don't suffer. Get some help and also decide if you can really live like this.
redtail Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Right, and both of it steams from certain degrees of fear and hurt. Although, I think women tend to give more on this issue an men tend to take more. Then they wonder why their wives don't want to sleep with them .Gee, I wonder. I'm not going to disagree with your post Jersey Shortie, but perhaps the "no sex" vs "viewing porn" issue is a chicken/egg kind of arguement. I can't go along with the notion that no sex is due to the viewing of porn, but maybe more often viewing porn due to no sex. Just a thought...
Jersey Shortie Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Yeah Redtail, I can see that playing a factor so I would agree. Although on some level, even if men were getting alot of sex, wouldn't many of them still be looking at porn still? I don't know. It would be a good question.
MSUE Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 What does this really come down to? Does he watching porn make you feel insecure about urself and sexual performance? could that be an underlying situation or is it the fact that he lied about it period? Maybe its affecting your self esteem? I'm just curious
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