Author HeidiB125 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 After reading some of the responses where it is questioned if her husband even knows about the affair, it has me wondering the same thing. Maybe she intercepted the email or maybe she told him it was "only" kissing or some other nonsense. I'm so tempted to call him but am not sure how to go about it. I don't even care what his response is to me I just don't know what to say first. I was thinking along the lines of "do you know that your wife contacted my husband the other day?" And see where it goes from there. If he gets angry so what...I tried...if we talk even better. Or, do I let go of this and just go on with my plan to divorce my husband and who gives two ****s what her husband knows?
stuckinoz Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 What is my red flag here? That my husband didn't tell me Friday night when she called or at least on the weekend? That she called my husband in the first place? What should be my response to all this? My husband thinks it's a good thing she called to have him tell me and doesn't know why I should be so upset. Any insights???? Or, do I let go of this and just go on with my plan to divorce my husband and who gives two ****s what her husband knows? Was the plan always to divorce your husband because of his infidelity? And if that's the case...What's the point in asking for insight? Or was it the phone call that got you to the place you are - to divorce him?
Author HeidiB125 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 I never "planned" to divorce my husband after the affair after we decided to work on our marriage. There were a few times where I didn't think I could do it but managed to find the positives and to press on. I think the fact that on Friday night I was having a hard time and he told me he didn't feel like talking about it and I was upset. (This AFTER she had called.) Then not telling me during the weekend which he still doesn't think was a big deal. And the things he said to me Monday night. I feel like something is different inside me now. He says that I've never really changed because he always wanted me to be more outgoing and vivacious or at least to try and then when I did (or thought I was being) it was never enough. I said when we talk I usually focus on the hurt or his behavior during the the affair or the fact that even after the affair I don't get a lot of love and affection. He said that the struggle was the same with him as with me...he struggles with being more loving and affectionate and I struggle with being more of the kind of person he wants. I've just come to the point where I'll acknowledge my inability if he can just acknowledge his and that we don't make each other happy and let's just move on. That seems to be where we are now. My therapist said we'll never make it without marital counselling and I agree. I want to separate and go to counselling. But we'll see if that happens. I just don't think he thinks anything that happened is a big deal. I do believe he's very self focused and it's hard (if not impossible) for him to see things from my perspective. He's says he very depressed about our life and how we live it and we should make changes but he doesn't know how. This makes him feel like a failure. I don't feel the same way he does and that frustrates him too.
redtail Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I never "planned" to divorce my husband after the affair after we decided to work on our marriage... This is very common Maddiesue, most BS, expecially their first time, feel that it is their failure if they jump to divorce right away. The affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. ... he told me he didn't feel like talking about it and I was upset. ... he still doesn't think was a big deal. ... he always wanted me to be more outgoing and vivacious or at least to try and then when I did (or thought I was being) it was never enough. ... I struggle with being more of the kind of person he wants. Oh please don't fall into this trap. My ex constantly blamed me for the affair and I took it to heart. How could I possibly be the person she really wants, how can I not be controlling by asking for NC, how can I look like it didn't tear me apart when I'm with her. It was never enough. My therapist said we'll never make it without marital counselling and I agree. I want to separate and go to counselling. Your therapist is right, and your H needs to be part of it. If not, this may be the time to file. Best of luck to you!
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Why on earth is he making YOU jump through hoops? HE is the one who cheated. He should be the one jumping through hoops to prove himself worthy of your trust and faith in him again. Instead, it seems he's putting it all on you! WTF. I agree with redtail. It takes two to make the marriage work and if he isn't putting in 100% effort with you, then trying to salvage the marriage is pointless.
PhoenixRise Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I never "planned" to divorce my husband after the affair after we decided to work on our marriage. There were a few times where I didn't think I could do it but managed to find the positives and to press on. I think the fact that on Friday night I was having a hard time and he told me he didn't feel like talking about it and I was upset. (This AFTER she had called.) Then not telling me during the weekend which he still doesn't think was a big deal. And the things he said to me Monday night. I feel like something is different inside me now. He says that I've never really changed because he always wanted me to be more outgoing and vivacious or at least to try and then when I did (or thought I was being) it was never enough. I said when we talk I usually focus on the hurt or his behavior during the the affair or the fact that even after the affair I don't get a lot of love and affection. He said that the struggle was the same with him as with me...he struggles with being more loving and affectionate and I struggle with being more of the kind of person he wants. I've just come to the point where I'll acknowledge my inability if he can just acknowledge his and that we don't make each other happy and let's just move on. That seems to be where we are now. My therapist said we'll never make it without marital counselling and I agree. I want to separate and go to counselling. But we'll see if that happens. I just don't think he thinks anything that happened is a big deal. I do believe he's very self focused and it's hard (if not impossible) for him to see things from my perspective. He's says he very depressed about our life and how we live it and we should make changes but he doesn't know how. This makes him feel like a failure. I don't feel the same way he does and that frustrates him too. Maddie Were you ever outgoing and vivacious? Has your Husband ever been loving and affectionate.
Author HeidiB125 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 We just talked about this yesterday, how I'm still the same and he's the one who has changed. I was never outgoing and vivacious, however, before our kids came I was at least accessible. That has been very difficult for us. I'm so very much a home body...always was. He likes to be out. Our relationship worked for a while but then he started to resent the way I was and felt that I was too attached to the kids and resented me for being that way. Resented me for not wanting more in life. Instead of working on our problems, he withdrew and just closed himself off from me. It was hard. When I pushed him he would lash out. That seems to be a pattern with him. When he has troubles he escapes, whether in his band, other women or blaming me. I think blame is a type of escape and I've taken a lot of blame from him for our problems over the years. He was loving and affectionate, as a matter of fact he would say years ago that I should be more affectionate. It's like the affair took all that out of him. I though when we started to work on our relationship that he would come back full force since we hadn't been that way with each other in so long. Like having a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I was like that but he said he was burned out. He said this morning that he is still burned out. I said after a year an a half I'm not williing to wait for him to change. I haven't always been accomadating to him but he's such a poor communicator. To be honest I never could put my finger EXACTLY on what he wanted from me. It's like he wanted someone different..not ME being different. He would ask me to do something and I would and then he would say that wasn't right. Then he would say he wanted me to plan trips and dinners and activities but when I did then THAT wasn't right. Plus I'm not really an initiator and leader...I'm more of a follower. That's why I was attracted to him. He had a strong, self assured personality and was always up for doing things. I was shy and a homebody. He brought me along and I loved it. Then he started to recent the way I was..still does.
2sunny Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 can you address the questions i had in my earlier post(s)... if i consider helping any further i need more clarification.
StoptheDrama Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 We just talked about this yesterday, how I'm still the same and he's the one who has changed.... He was loving and affectionate, as a matter of fact he would say years ago that I should be more affectionate. It's like the affair took all that out of him. I though when we started to work on our relationship that he would come back full force since we hadn't been that way with each other in so long. Like having a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I was like that but he said he was burned out. He said this morning that he is still burned out. Maddiesue - I am really sorry that you are going through this especially since it's been 1.5 years since the A supposedly ended. I have to say that the above quote in addition to your initial post are causing me concern for you. My gut instinct, like PhoenixRise and so many others have pointed out, is that there is still far too much communication between the "f"OW and your H. I'm sorry to not put this more delicately but I think the A is far from over between them. As an fOW who still works with her xMM, I know how hard NC can be. At work it's next to impossible and, in my case, my xMM has started injecting personal "problems" and other communication into work correspondence trying to lure me back in. I don't know you or your H so I can't say for certain that is what he is doing but it's entirely possible. Or the fOW could be mixing business with personal. Or both. Either way, the fact that they are still in contact outside of work and the way he went about telling you are suspicious. BTW - do you even know for certain that she called him? Or, for that matter, what was really said if she did? If he was truly committed to you and your marriage and it happened as he says, he would have told her to eff off and told you about the conversation immediately. I understand that you are trying to rebuld your marriage and that you are trusting him but I don't think he is deserving of that. His actions certainly don't indicate it. My gut instinct is that he is the one really telling you to back off because he's hiding something.
PhoenixRise Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 We just talked about this yesterday, how I'm still the same and he's the one who has changed. I was never outgoing and vivacious, however, before our kids came I was at least accessible. Do YOU think you have been overly involved with the kids? That has been very difficult for us. I'm so very much a home body...always was. He likes to be out. Our relationship worked for a while but then he started to resent the way I was and felt that I was too attached to the kids and resented me for being that way. Resented me for not wanting more in life. Are you a SAHM? Instead of working on our problems, he withdrew and just closed himself off from me. It was hard. When I pushed him he would lash out. That seems to be a pattern with him. When he has troubles he escapes, whether in his band, other women or blaming me. I think blame is a type of escape and I've taken a lot of blame from him for our problems over the years. Whatever problems you guys have had, you are not to blame for his decision to cheat. No matter what else happens HE is the one who will have to face himself in the mirror for this. He was loving and affectionate, as a matter of fact he would say years ago that I should be more affectionate. It's like the affair took all that out of him. I though when we started to work on our relationship that he would come back full force since we hadn't been that way with each other in so long. Like having a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I was like that but he said he was burned out. He said this morning that he is still burned out. I said after a year an a half I'm not williing to wait for him to change. If he is a naturally affectionate person and he is NOT showing YOU any affection he is probaly still in the affair or he has given up on the marriage. I haven't always been accomadating to him but he's such a poor communicator. To be honest I never could put my finger EXACTLY on what he wanted from me. It's like he wanted someone different..not ME being different. He would ask me to do something and I would and then he would say that wasn't right. Then he would say he wanted me to plan trips and dinners and activities but when I did then THAT wasn't right. Plus I'm not really an initiator and leader...I'm more of a follower. That's why I was attracted to him. He had a strong, self assured personality and was always up for doing things. I was shy and a homebody. He brought me along and I loved it. Then he started to recent the way I was..still does. If he is still involved with the OW physically or emotionally, there is nothing you can do for him that will be RIGHT. Are you serious about filing for a divorce? Have you and your H ever tried MC? I think you need to do some digging regarding the status of the affair.
NoIDidn't Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I hate to chime in so late with bad news. I think that he is still involved with the MW. I don't think that he is any more burned out than he is just using up his emotional energy elsewhere. You have a couple of choices here: call her H and tell H what is going on and see if that stops the A, and leave him and show him you are tired of the status quo as much as he claims to be. A drive by his supposedly former OW's house should not have resulted in him chastising you. If anything it should have warranted an apology from him to have even put you in that emotional state to think you needed to drive by some woman's house. Sorry you are going through this.
Owl Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I hate to chime in so late with bad news. I think that he is still involved with the MW. I don't think that he is any more burned out than he is just using up his emotional energy elsewhere. You have a couple of choices here: call her H and tell H what is going on and see if that stops the A, and leave him and show him you are tired of the status quo as much as he claims to be. A drive by his supposedly former OW's house should not have resulted in him chastising you. If anything it should have warranted an apology from him to have even put you in that emotional state to think you needed to drive by some woman's house. Sorry you are going through this. Maddie...listen to this. I completely agree with these concerns, and had the same thoughts.
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 1) I have a feeling that OW's H doesn't know all the truth. Chances are, she just told him that your H has a crush on her and nothing happened. You NEED to tell OW's H the whole truth. 2) I don't think the affair ended? How do you know they don't sneak around during work breaks, lunch, etc. for make out sections? How do you know they don't leave home early or leave work early or spend their one hour lunch time at some local motel, or back seat in a parking lot? 3) How dare your husband just ask you to forget about it like it's him breaking a dinner plate? 4) One of them needs to leave that job. You can't make her do that, but you can make your H choose the marriage/family or that job and the chance to continue the affair.
Ariadne Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 call her H and tell H what is going on and see if that stops the A What makes you think that using force will solve the problem with her marriage? She feels isolated and no matter what she can get the husband to open up and respond to her and be loving, using force is certainly not going to fix that. I though when we started to work on our relationship that he would come back full force since we hadn't been that way with each other in so long. Like having a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I bet most BS think that after discovering the A, the men are going to become like "new boyfriends" to them, when all the problems are still there. There is no alternate reality from one day to the other, there is only one reality.
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 It's like he wanted someone different..not ME being different. He would ask me to do something and I would and then he would say that wasn't right. I strongly feel he is still involved with her. As soon as I read the above it was like a red flag was being waved... when my H was involved in one of his affairs, he became irritable with things I did for him, almost like he didn't want me. For example, he asked me to scratch his back in bed, when I did he would say it wasn't right... years later when I found out about his three affairs in D-Day #2 he mentioned that the one woman was exceptional at scratching backs -- that when she and her sister were kids they would go around the beach and offer back scratches for money... so they got good... and H was irritable as hell when I didn't do it the way she did. I bet your husband is still seeing her. You absolutely must tell MW husband face to face. You stand NO chance at gaining your H back if his heart is still involved with hers.
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I strongly feel he is still involved with her. As soon as I read the above it was like a red flag was being waved... when my H was involved in one of his affairs, he became irritable with things I did for him, almost like he didn't want me. For example, he asked me to scratch his back in bed, when I did he would say it wasn't right... years later when I found out about his three affairs in D-Day #2 he mentioned that the one woman was exceptional at scratching backs -- that when she and her sister were kids they would go around the beach and offer back scratches for money... so they got good... and H was irritable as hell when I didn't do it the way she did. I bet your husband is still seeing her. You absolutely must tell MW husband face to face. You stand NO chance at gaining your H back if his heart is still involved with hers. You still stayed with him after THREE affairs? Why? What makes you think he won't have a 4th in a year or two?
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Maddiesue, think about all the signs -- your H is not reconnecting with you, he's still at work with OW, and mysteriously, even though "NC" is in place the OW phones him on Friday night (!!) to tell him about your drive-by, even though she could have done that on Monday at work... what does the Big Picture tell you? You can see that the Timeline of that weekend gives you clues -- since your H was informed on Friday night, the only reason why he didn't tell you right away was that he Had To Think of a clever way to let you know... so all weekend he was uncomfortable with Having to tell you (in order to protect his OW and his' continuing A) he finally thought up to say that OW and her H are working on their M and do not want you driving by... and he was so chicken $hit scared of your cross-questioning him if he gave you time to do so, that he purposefully chose the minute before he left for work to tell you... thus showing he is clearly uncomfortable with the whole thing (and why is this?). Really, what is your gut instinct telling you? I say he is Distant towards you because he has something to hide from you -- his ongoing affair. Bust it open, reveal it... do it to her H and at their place of work, dammit
NoIDidn't Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 What makes you think that using force will solve the problem with her marriage? She feels isolated and no matter what she can get the husband to open up and respond to her and be loving, using force is certainly not going to fix that. A phone call now is classified as force? I need to get my dictionary updated.
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 You still stayed with him after THREE affairs? Why? What makes you think he won't have a 4th in a year or two? Wow you are good... yes, he did have the 4th a year or two later... and the 5th, 6th, 7th, and now in March, the 8th. Don't worry, I am done with him. When he comes home at the end of the year in December, his Xmas gift will be D papers (wait, that is going to be My gift).
NoIDidn't Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Maddiesue, think about all the signs -- your H is not reconnecting with you, he's still at work with OW, and mysteriously, even though "NC" is in place the OW phones him on Friday night (!!) to tell him about your drive-by, even though she could have done that on Monday at work... what does the Big Picture tell you? You can see that the Timeline of that weekend gives you clues -- since your H was informed on Friday night, the only reason why he didn't tell you right away was that he Had To Think of a clever way to let you know... so all weekend he was uncomfortable with Having to tell you (in order to protect his OW and his' continuing A) he finally thought up to say that OW and her H are working on their M and do not want you driving by... and he was so chicken $hit scared of your cross-questioning him if he gave you time to do so, that he purposefully chose the minute before he left for work to tell you... thus showing he is clearly uncomfortable with the whole thing (and why is this?). Really, what is your gut instinct telling you? I say he is Distant towards you because he has something to hide from you -- his ongoing affair. Bust it open, reveal it... do it to her H and at their place of work, dammit I agree. I can't see why the OW was so comfortable in calling him and HE was so comfortable with concealing it and then chastizing her. I told my H of my drive bys (yes, plural). If she saw me or not was irrelevant. But HE was the one that was remorseful. HE comforted me that I even felt that I needed to get a glimpse of the woman he cheated with. The fact that she was able to just pick up the phone and demand that Maddie's H protect her and their A, is the most troubling thing here. Tell her H, and tell your H AFTER its done.
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Wow you are good... yes, he did have the 4th a year or two later... and the 5th, 6th, 7th, and now in March, the 8th. Don't worry, I am done with him. When he comes home at the end of the year in December, his Xmas gift will be D papers (wait, that is going to be My gift). Yes, I know. How does he feel about the possibility that you will be with a new man soon? When do you plan to start looking?
Ariadne Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 A phone call now is classified as force? I need to get my dictionary updated. Yes, you should.
Athena Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Yes, I know. How does he feel about the possibility that you will be with a new man soon? When do you plan to start looking? He hates the idea of losing me. But he is narcissistic, so he probably feels he will never lose me... despite my talking about divorce. I don't plan on starting to look. I don't trust I can pick a guy who is not charming, I think that part of my H (the charming, seductive side) is what I need to be wary of in any man. I can live without a man, as I have been mainly on my own for the majority of our M. Not looking forward to being alone, but it's better than being deceived. How about you? Are you male or female? Are you married. Why are you interested in the Infidelity boards, have you been cheated on?
Ariadne Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 A phone call now is classified as force? I need to get my dictionary updated. Wiki: The term use of force refers to the right of an individual or authority to settle conflicts or prevent certain actions by applying measures to either: a) dissuade another party from a particular course of action, or b) physically intervene to stop them.
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