Ariadne Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Another gem of wisdom. The ONLY red flags are from the WH and the FOW. Gem of wisdom: You can't control other people.
confusedinkansas Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 The only red flag that I see is that the affair happened 1.5 years ago and you are still obsessing over it. I think this is true. Either SAY you're going to forgive him & be IN the marriage & DO IT..........OR don't. Don't keep LOOKING for reasons to still be pissed if you are IN the marriage.
PhoenixRise Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 The OP did not do anything horrible here. I find it strange that after 1.5 years the OW was so upset by the sight of the OP driving down the street one time only. So upset and overwhelmed by this by this one time incident of.....menacing driving?.....intimidating driving?..... angry driving??..... that she called her former MM to say WE (she and BH) want you (WH) to make your oh so scary, big, bad, mean driving wife to stop driving down OUR (we own it you know) street. It is not like the OP came in a unmarked white van and broke out the surveillance equipment.
confusedinkansas Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 BECAUSE his wife is stalking the other woman...........Sheesh. Think about it - They may have never chatted if it had not been for this incident. She's stirring the pot. Why...Only she knows the answer to that.
PhoenixRise Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 BECAUSE his wife is stalking the other woman...........Sheesh. Think about it - They may have never chatted if it had not been for this incident. She's stirring the pot. Why...Only she knows the answer to that. What the OP did is hardly stalking. It was a one time incident not a pattern of behavior. If this is all the OP has done, the OW got off lucky.
Snowflower Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 The OP did not do anything horrible here. I find it strange that after 1.5 years the OW was so upset by the sight of the OP driving down the street one time only. So upset and overwhelmed by this by this one time incident of.....menacing driving?.....intimidating driving?..... angry driving??..... that she called her former MM to say WE (she and BH) want you (WH) to make your oh so scary, big, bad, mean driving wife to stop driving down OUR (we own it you know) street. It is not like the OP came in a unmarked white van and broke out the surveillance equipment. PR, this post cracks me up! Seriously though, I don't think driving by the OW's house one time can be considered stalking. And the street is a public thoroughfare, after all. It has been 1.5 years since the A? Not really all that much time, especially since the WH in this situation and the OW still have contact at work. It could just be me, but this situation seems to be raising a lot of red flags, especially the WH's behavior. It's hard to draw any hard and fast conclusions though.
PhoenixRise Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 PR, this post cracks me up! Seriously though, I don't think driving by the OW's house one time can be considered stalking. And the street is a public thoroughfare, after all. It has been 1.5 years since the A? Not really all that much time, especially since the WH in this situation and the OW still have contact at work. It could just be me, but this situation seems to be raising a lot of red flags, especially the WH's behavior. It's hard to draw any hard and fast conclusions though. OF course it is not stalking. AND 1.5 years is not that long when you are trying to clear away the rubble of an exposed affair. I see the red flags too. I hope that the OP will stand her ground and do whatever she needs to do to heal from this. AND her husband, if he wants to recover the marriage, needs to support her.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 BECAUSE his wife is stalking the other woman...........Sheesh. she wasn't stalking her. She was in the neighborhood, drove by out of curiosty......sheesh. So the WS and the OW/OM are the only ones allowed to cling to the affair? You said it yourself in another post...you have fond memories of the OM when in a place you were with him, when with your husband. So you are allowed to have fond memories of your affair partner, but she isn't allowed to drive by once out of curiosity when in the area? I always knew you were slanted towards the cheaters and the OM/OW...but geez.
Author HeidiB125 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 If you all only knew how I've tried to overcome my husband's affair with this woman. I wanted to drive by out of curiousity. I don't know why. She came into my life and forever changed me. A day doesn't go by that I am not affected somehow by what she and my husband have done. She's never written or said one word of apology or remorse, even when addressed by me. She's a coward. I have days of obsessing but not like I used to. There is progress...be it slow at times. Since this woman invited my husband over to her home for sex, I've driven by twice. The second time was I guess bad timing as they were outside and recognized the car. I didn't want them to see me but you know what...I'm here...I'm real. I'm not a subject of a conversation that now they have to deal with. I could care less about them as I'm sure they could care less about me. This is about me and my recovery. If I feel the need to drive by the place my husband first had sex with her then so be it. And please...yes I know it is my husband who has betrayed me. And believe me that is still my first and most important focus. My heart is still broken and if in a year and a half it's supposed to be fully healed then I'm having a much harder time of it then those out there who are stronger. The sad part is that I don't think we're going to make it. My poor kids...I love them sooo much and I have to hurt them because I can't overcome what my husband and this woman have done. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. Everyone is different and we all handle things in a different way. I thought if anyone can overcome an affair it was me...but I've realized that the damage they can cause is sometimes irreversible.
2sunny Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 the cheater is defending her point of view and opinions (her calls) and dumping them on YOU as if you have done something wrong - things are backwards!!!! HE should be doing anything and everything to make YOU feel at ease, confident and respected in your marriage - his actions are telling you the opposite - i'd bet money he is still seeing her - his alliance isn't to you - it's to her. that's obvious even with the way he kept it a secret all weekend: HE took her call, he listened to her, he only told you when he was out the door - disrespecting you, and he made it appear that you had done something wrong (which you didn't). based on what you wrote - i'd be checking up on him 24/7 - because he isn't considering your feelings, position or the repair that needs to be done in the marriage. get a voice activated recorder, check his cell, e-mail, and if need be, follow him around. he should be out to PROVE to you that he's believable... his actions show that he's not.
Reggie Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 The only red flag that I see is that the affair happened 1.5 years ago and you are still obsessing over it.[/QUOTAlmost all the literature I have read says it tkaes 2-5 years minimum to heal. Seems normal to me, 1.5 years out.
Reggie Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 BECAUSE his wife is stalking the other woman...........Sheesh. Think about it - They may have never chatted if it had not been for this incident. She's stirring the pot. Why...Only she knows the answer to that. This is ridiculous. Do you have any idea of the definition of stalking? Where are your powers of reason?
Reggie Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Gem of wisdom: You can't control other people. Tell that to Joe Stalin(via seance, of course:))
Reggie Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I agree that they should be able to work together like grown ups IF IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY. I'm not saying it's the ideal situation. But with the job market the way it is right now ya can't just jump ship on a good job. Sorry, no amount of affairs would lead me to believe you should leave a good job just cuz you F'd up. You learn to deal with the situation & try to move past it - & if that means looking for a new job......GREAT.....but if you can't find one - You learn to deal with the situation as it is. Gee - isn't that why they say IF you're going to have an affair - keep it out of the office....Sheesh - for this specific reason. F the job. If this guy values his marriage, he should panhandle if neccessary.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 You did nothing wrong Maddie. Don't listen to confusedink. You're not stalking at all. Some say it takes up to 3-4 years for recovery.. And, for you it's harder to trust him because he still works with her. Their paths do cross and even if they don't speak, fact that they still visually see eachother at work probably isn't easy for you at all. Why hasn't your husband looked for another job? Or asked for a transfer so he won't have to work with exMW? Another question, if you don't mind..Have you and the eMW's husband spoke? Is he aware of the affair too?
2sunny Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 i also want to point out that you are both placing money (his job) above your marriage. if his job is that important - leave him. see if that motivates him to change jobs. see if that motivates him to consider YOUR position in this pain above his and hers. this H isn't acting as though he wants to repair the M at all - he is still in his selfish, self serving mode - and you, Maddie, are still the victim. until you become the warrior - he still holds all the cards and all the power to hurt you even more.
lkjh Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Confused, your entire way of thinking just abandons all common sense when dealing with human emotion. The OW f***** her husband. She has a right to be emotional and drive by her house every year or so. That is not stalking. OP, I think you should talk to her H one on one. I have a feeling that your H and the OW are hiding this from her husband. At ther very least they probably convinced him that you are lying.
Owl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 A couple more thoughts. Being "obsessed" with the affair, 1.5 years later...is entirely COMMON AND NORMAL for many, many BS's. I was still struggling with similar things as late as that as well. So all this dogging on the OP for having done a one time drive by her house because she happened to be in the area is just horse manure. Most BS's would/did do the same kind of things. Next thought. Maddiesue, you're still not well down the recovery path because your trust REMAINS shattered still. You can't rebuild your trust in your husband when you KNOW that they're still communicating. People can scoff all they want about how you SHOULD trust them....but again...horse manure. Trust is rebuilt by demonstrating changes, demonstrating true remorse, and by demonstrating active steps towards rebuilding that trust. Your husband is NOT doing these things if he's still working with OW. It doesn't actually matter if he really can prevent himself from resuming the affair or not. He's not taking every measure needed to restore your faith and trust in him. YOU can't heal while he's still working there with OW...even if he and OW can...YOU clearly haven't been able to. CIK and others haven't been on your side of the equation. They simply don't 'get' the sheer emotional trauma and devestation that is caused by infidelity. CIK can preach all she likes on how you "SHOULD" trust your H....but she's never dealt with actually trying to learn to do that again. She simply doesn't appear to understand what it normally takes to reach that goal after an affair. And honestly, I wonder at how her own marriage can possibly be recovering from her affair, given her mindset as demonstrated by her posts here. I wonder if her H would agree and/or be comfortable with their recovery, if he were aware of the contents of her posts here?
confusedinkansas Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I always knew you were slanted towards the cheaters and the OM/OW...but geez. Yes- You're right. For the most part I am - Because I was one myself. And, because I have changed & I know that others can too...We're not DREADFUL people! We are human beings & we deserve to find love. What we DID was wrong. NO question about that - but we can move on & have very fulfilling lives! contrary to what a lot of others think we deserve. I don't believe that the other woman would have called her husband if she hadn't driven by the house. And NO ONE - or the OP has said WHY on earth she did that. Why punish yourself more? I do think what she did was Stalker...ish! As for Reggie - Panhandle......Are you kidding me! And you guys think my ideas are off the wall:rolleyes:
Owl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I don't believe that the other woman would have called her husband if she hadn't driven by the house. And NO ONE - or the OP has said WHY on earth she did that. Why punish yourself more? I do think what she did was Stalker...ish! As for Reggie - Panhandle......Are you kidding me! And you guys think my ideas are off the wall:rolleyes: I completely disagree. It's clear that Maddie's H REMAINS in contact...in whatever form...with the OW. They communicate commonly at work. That's the problem...Maddie still hasn't rebuilt trust in her H, or in the entire situation, knowing that they ARE still in daily contact...limited to work or not. So she drove by because she happened to be in the area (which she rarely is, according to her posts).
MistyK Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I find it strange that after 1.5 years the OW was so upset by the sight of the OP driving down the street one time only. Just a quick word of perpective here. There are plenty of BS's who enjoy gloating about their "victory". Not long after D-day (and well before MM moved out), the BS in my case took to driving by my house constantly and waving at me with a smug smile as if to gloat. You bet that kind of thing caused me to call MM to tell him to keep her away from me. It hurt like I can't tell you. It hurt just to see their two cars parked next to each other at their house. Little things like the OP driving by, even if only once can be upsetting. Emotions can remain really raw for a long time and obviously the OP here was still curious about the OW, so why is it so outlandish to believe the OW was still upset about what happened too? There's a good possibility that the OW's H, having seen OP drive by would think that OW and the H have started up again, and that would have been upsetting for him. Confusedinkansas - I don't think that the OP had a bad motive here, and frankly, I would have been greatful if the BS in my case only drove by once. Driving by 15 times a day, checking my mail, having relatives watch my house and canvassing my xH's family - that's obsessive. And I'm guessing that since the OP got such a bad reaction to driving by that she won't bother again.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Just a quick word of perpective here. There are plenty of BS's who enjoy gloating about their "victory". Not long after D-day (and well before MM moved out), the BS in my case took to driving by my house constantly and waving at me with a smug smile as if to gloat. You bet that kind of thing caused me to call MM to tell him to keep her away from me. It hurt like I can't tell you. It hurt just to see their two cars parked next to each other at their house. Little things like the OP driving by, even if only once can be upsetting. So a BS isn't allowed to react? Sleeping with her husband you don't think hurt her to the core? Sorry, but a driveby by the BS compared to an OW sleeping with a BS's husband isn't as devastating. The thing is, an OW or OM SHOULD expect some kind of fallout/reaction after D-Day. Part of their consquence by choosing to be in an affair. It would be stalking and something more serious if the maddie followed her all the time, but one time hardly counts as stalking.
confusedinkansas Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I don't think that the OP had a bad motive here, . I never thought she had a bad motive at all. I don't think she was going to confront the OW or her family - But for those that have been in the shoes of anything remotely like this happening to them.............Isn't driving by - WAY more pain than is necessary? I just believe she's keeping the "wound" open for some reason. She said she doesn't go to that part of town often - so she'd take this opportunity to just drive by???? WHY? I can't be the only one that thinks this is odd behavior for someone that's forgiven her husband & is attempting to move on....Isn't this going backwards? CIK and others haven't been on your side of the equation. Not specifically with regards to an affair - But YES I have...Very much so. Sorry, but a driveby by the BS compared to an OW sleeping with a BS's husband isn't as devastating Kind of comparing apples to oranges
PhoenixRise Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Just a quick word of perpective here. There are plenty of BS's who enjoy gloating about their "victory". Not long after D-day (and well before MM moved out), the BS in my case took to driving by my house constantly and waving at me with a smug smile as if to gloat. You bet that kind of thing caused me to call MM to tell him to keep her away from me. It hurt like I can't tell you. It hurt just to see their two cars parked next to each other at their house. Little things like the OP driving by, even if only once can be upsetting. Emotions can remain really raw for a long time and obviously the OP here was still curious about the OW, so why is it so outlandish to believe the OW was still upset about what happened too? There's a good possibility that the OW's H, having seen OP drive by would think that OW and the H have started up again, and that would have been upsetting for him. Confusedinkansas - I don't think that the OP had a bad motive here, and frankly, I would have been greatful if the BS in my case only drove by once. Driving by 15 times a day, checking my mail, having relatives watch my house and canvassing my xH's family - that's obsessive. And I'm guessing that since the OP got such a bad reaction to driving by that she won't bother again. I get what you are saying about your OWN situation Misty. I made my posts because other posters here were pretty much telling Maddie that she should just get over it already, after all it HAS been 1.5 years. I was pointing out that just as Maddie 1.5 years later still had curiosity about the OW, the OW still 1.5 years later had an extreme reaction to seeing Maddie just drive down the street.
PhoenixRise Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Yes- You're right. For the most part I am - Because I was one myself. And, because I have changed & I know that others can too...We're not DREADFUL people! We are human beings & we deserve to find love. What we DID was wrong. NO question about that - but we can move on & have very fulfilling lives! contrary to what a lot of others think we deserve. I don't believe that the other woman would have called her husband if she hadn't driven by the house. And NO ONE - or the OP has said WHY on earth she did that. Why punish yourself more? I do think what she did was Stalker...ish! As for Reggie - Panhandle......Are you kidding me! And you guys think my ideas are off the wall:rolleyes: I don't believe Maddie would have driven down that street if the OW had not fu**** her husband.
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