HeidiB125 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 On Friday I had to drive my son to a party that is a few miles away from the OW's house. I haven't been near her house since I first found out a year and half ago and then wanted to drive by mostly because that is where he and her first had sex. I drove by this time more out of curiousity and to see what kind of car she drives since I thought I had spotted her by a local bakery. Anyway I drove by and saw her husband and kids getting out of the car. I had this strong feeling of wanting to stop and talk with him but decided against it. Actually it made me sad about the whole situation because seeing him in person made me realize the pain the affair has caused both our families. Well this morning as my husband is getting ready for work he tells me that she called him on Friday night asking him to tell me not to drive my their house anymore or I think the word "scope" was used. I am upset that she called him plus I have a jumble of other mixed emotions and of course he "doesn't have time" to talk this morning since he's on his way out the door to work. I asked why he didn't tell me on the weekend when we had time to talk about it and he didn't give me a reasonable answer and then said that he had to tell me before he went to work since they both still work together, though with no personal contact. She told him that her and her husband want to put it all behind them and for me to not drive by anymore. (I probably wouldn't have driven by ever again anyway.) What is my red flag here? That my husband didn't tell me Friday night when she called or at least on the weekend? That she called my husband in the first place? What should be my response to all this? My husband thinks it's a good thing she called to have him tell me and doesn't know why I should be so upset. Any insights????
Owl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Your FIRST red flag is that they still work together. You've been on this forum a while...you know that true recovery can't happen if they're still working together. Trust can't be rebuilt, and the risk of the affair resuming (or never stopping) is HUGE. Second, if NC was in place, she should have never called your H at all. PERIOD. It should have been 'out of bounds'. Clearly, there is no real boundary here stopping contact between the two of them. Third, he waited the whole weekend and didn't tell you...and then mentioned it on his way OUT...when he knew that he could dodge talking about this with you. Yep...lot's of red flags here. You need to INSIST that he change jobs...there's no way you're going to recover while he's there. You need to INSIST on NC...not work related, not personal...NOTHING AT ALL. Anything less is wasting time and effort.
bentnotbroken Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Owl is so right. You have some things you are going to have to address...soon.
jmargel Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I agree, if you think that they aren't having personal contact at work, yet she calls him on a weekend then you my dear are very naive. For him to even say that to you is disrespectful. If I was in his position and she would have called I would have told you right away and made sure that I was in defense of my wife. Good chance once she told him about it, he not only thought it was funny but an ego boost to him. Because first you are still worried about this OW and then he gets the ego boost that this OW is still showing interest. There is no trust in this marriage, he hasn't earned it. Either he makes some major changes or you really should end this marriage.
Spark1111 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 This happened to me too! Drove by her house acciddentally and she calls my husband at work to complain. He does not tell me until 4 days later in MC. I went ballistic because: a) he did not tell me immediately b) it was certainly not on purpose, so his response to her was somewhat apologetic, when I thought it shoud have been "so?" and then, she mentions she may be running for political office, as if I should avoid her? Make sure I never pass her home? A veiled threat to him? As for avoiding informing me immediately, the biggest red flag is that he feels guilty towards BOTH of us because he lied to BOTH of us; me, to conceal the affair, and her, to continue it. I REFUSE to be bullied into not living my life, or driving my car, or meeting my friends anywhere I so choose to because I DID NOTHING wrong.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Well this morning as my husband is getting ready for work he tells me that she called him on Friday night asking him to tell me not to drive my their house anymore tell him to tell her to go to hell. You can drive wherever the hell you want. She slept with your husband and she betrayed her own husband. She has no say. She told him that her and her husband want to put it all behind them and for me to not drive by anymore. then let her husband tell you. What is my red flag here? That my husband didn't tell me Friday night when she called or at least on the weekend? That she called my husband in the first place? What should be my response to all this? My husband thinks it's a good thing she called to have him tell me and doesn't know why I should be so upset. Any insights???? sounds like your husband thinks you aren't entitled to the way you feel and wants to sweep it under the rug all to easily. Both your H and the OW want to just skate as easily as possible and don't like the consequences. Well too bad. They made the bed, they lay in it for a while. You take all the time you need to get over things. And if she doesn't like you driving by, tough sh#t. but eventually you do need to stop driving by.....but its not her or your husband's place to tell you
Dexter Morgan Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Your FIRST red flag is that they still work together. I missed this!! Well then, you tell your husband that as long as he still works with the OW, then both of them can just go to hell as far as telling you anything. and really, you should be telling your husband that as long as he still works with her, then there isn't going to be any "recovery".
lkjh Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I just went over your old post again, and I was wondering how do you know if her H even knows? I know you sent him a email but that doesn't mean he read it or even believes it.
PhoenixRise Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Are you sure her husband knows about the affair? If you only sent an email with no evidence it is possible that her H didn't believe you or she turned it around saying that you found out that YOUR H was seeking her out and she refused. I would call this OW up and in my most calm, unemotional voice tell her that if she ever contacts your H for any reason that you will talk to her H and present to him all the gory details of the affair. AND that you can and will drive where ever the hell you WANT to drive. Do not let her dictate your life or your recovery and absolutely do NOT let her think she can send you any message through your H. THEN Deal with your H. Again, be very calm, tell him that if he ever pulls another stunt like this again you will take it as a sign that the affair is ongoing and react accordingly.......and mean it.
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 You have had NO closure on this crisis. With your H stil working with OW and without knowing that the affair was ever revealed to her husband... It sounds like you are still the one and only victim of their actions. No wonder you are still wondering, still questioning, and driving by her house.
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Also: OW should not even be ABLE to reach your husband.
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Yup, big red flags..Fact that she called your husband on the weekend just shows that they ARE in contact and DO talk at work. No way are they practicing NC.. Why is he still working with her? How can you trust him again knowing that they see eachother daily? Anyway, don't feel bad about the driveby. Comparing what SHE did with YOUR husband, a driveby is nothing in my books. Doesn't matter what she thinks or feels and your husband is an idiot for waiting as long as he did to tell you..Another big red flag.
Author HeidiB125 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 There were times I doubted if her husband knew but the call she made on Friday was more like a "we" call. Her and her husband were saying not to drive by their house again. My husband can't understand why it's such a big deal that he didn't tell me on the weekend but waited as he did. He says I'm "insane" for making it an issue. Then he told me to stop emailing her...oh yeah, I emailed her telling her to never contact my husband again and that I don't care about her or her family and that how I recover from their affair is MY business. I gave her my cell phone number and told her to contact me if she needed to say something. My husband hit the roof! Told me to stop writing her, etc. I said that I can do anything that I want to do and no one is going to tell me otherwise. He's coming home early from work to talk. I'm going to tell him that he has to try and find another job among other issues that have nothing to do with the affair.
PhoenixRise Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 There were times I doubted if her husband knew but the call she made on Friday was more like a "we" call. Her and her husband were saying not to drive by their house again. My husband can't understand why it's such a big deal that he didn't tell me on the weekend but waited as he did. He says I'm "insane" for making it an issue. Then he told me to stop emailing her...oh yeah, I emailed her telling her to never contact my husband again and that I don't care about her or her family and that how I recover from their affair is MY business. I gave her my cell phone number and told her to contact me if she needed to say something. My husband hit the roof! Told me to stop writing her, etc. I said that I can do anything that I want to do and no one is going to tell me otherwise. He's coming home early from work to talk. I'm going to tell him that he has to try and find another job among other issues that have nothing to do with the affair. Your husband brought this OW into your life. HE has had years to deal with her presence. YOU have not. Your husband can not manage your recovery. I agree with the other posters, the fact that they still work together is a huge red flag.
foreal Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 MADDIESUE!! RED ALERT! My Wh told me immediatly when OW called him to boo hoo that I had confronted her at her work..as in w/i 5 minutes of me leaving her there (actaully she ran away scared leaving me there!!)....also, he called me asap from his work when she contacted him yet again to tell him to tell ME to leave HER alone (B/c I told her H)....NC means NC!! And your H is being an ass what with this reaction of his...sometimes the A partners still work together, BAD, but sometimes it cannot be helped, so ESPECIALLY if they work together (even if they work in different buildings, blah blah) then it is IMPERATIVE you get the NC breakage info ASAP..a whole freaking weekend? I am so sorry but your husband is being an Ahole. Dexter said it, you can drive any damn place you please, when you please...tell your H to kiss my ass...man it pisses me off thinking he did this..you should be pissed too.
confusedinkansas Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Asside from what everyone says here - that your husband should have quit his job....which I say bull-****.....jobs are hard to come by. It is possible for "grown-ups" to work together after something like this & actually be civil to one & other.........That said............. Why on earth would you drive by her house? What's the point? Are YOU still obsessed about it all these years later?
Spark1111 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Yes, confused, some of us remain obssessed by the affair and the affair partner because it was the cause of the greatest pain and betrayal we have ever felt in our lives. I deeply believe the pain you feel is in direct proportion to how much you loved your spouse. If you recover quickly, perhaps you have more of a partnership than a true love connection in your marriage. Some BS realize immediately that they will never recover from the betrayal and divorce quickly, as is their right to. Also, many WS are not good communicators and many BS recieve what is known as "trickle truths," doled out here and there. It does not set the stage for a quick recovery. Many WS also have entitlement issues, as in, I am entitled to be happy so I am entitled to have my needs met in an affair. Many are not truly remorseful until they have been in IC and MC for quite awhile. In the meantime, we do think too much about the type of person who would engage in a relationship while married to someone else. Maybe it's because we simply cannot wrap our head around the type of person who would do this, our spouse included.
Owl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Asside from what everyone says here - that your husband should have quit his job....which I say bull-****.....jobs are hard to come by. It is possible for "grown-ups" to work together after something like this & actually be civil to one & other.........That said............. Why on earth would you drive by her house? What's the point? Are YOU still obsessed about it all these years later? She drove by the OW's house because she was in the area...there's nothing wrong with that. Why do you think that she shouldn't have? What do you see as "wrong" with that? As far as quitting the job...you can call bs on it if you want to...but if you look at the resounding message from the people who have been betrayed...myself included...you might start to understand why they insist on it. You think it's BS...the vast majority of those who have been betrayed by this argue otherwise. From our perspective, it's not rocket science. You see the job as more important than NC. We've learned that NC is critical to recovery. Jobs...not always. It's a matter of prioritization. From a BS viewpoint...NC is more critical. You view the job as more critical. Different viewpoint. Last thought...it MIGHT be possible for adults to work together after an affair...but...what YOU don't get is that it's often IMPOSSIBLE for the BS to rebuild trust in their WS in that exact situation. See the breakdown here?
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Why on earth would you drive by her house? What's the point? Are YOU still obsessed about it all these years later Driveby by the BS compared to OW banging her husband. One is harmless and the other isn't.
Athena Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 What is my red flag here? That my husband didn't tell me Friday night when she called or at least on the weekend? That she called my husband in the first place? What should be my response to all this? My husband thinks it's a good thing she called to have him tell me and doesn't know why I should be so upset. Any insights???? You should contact her H and talk to him about his W's affair --- since fOW cannot enforce the NC rule, why shouldn't you step in and contact her H?! I think your H is still feeling friendly towards his fOW and that his not telling you right away about her contact shows almost a 'team' of him and her vrs you right there. You need to hit back hard and show fOW that she has NO rights here to demand you do not driveby!! She Fu58ed your H and you cannot drive by because she SAYS so?! You do not owe her Anything at all!!! And for her still contacting your H you should contact hers. Simple. Your H is acting as an a$$
confusedinkansas Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 She drove by the OW's house because she was in the area...there's nothing wrong with that. Why do you think that she shouldn't have? What do you see as "wrong" with that? Umm....Why cause yourself more pain than what you've already been thru - YEARS later. What's the point? t is ALSO possible for "grown-ups" to not sneak around and f another besides their spouse, isn't it? But it happened, didn't it?! I agree! See above reason. Driveby by the BS compared to OW banging her husband. One is harmless and the other isn't. I agree 100%. But still.........See above reason!! I guess that if she's forgiven her husband & made a point to give the marriage a GO.........Why put yourself thru undue stress ON PURPOSE. She ON PURPOSE drove by that woman's house. Borderline stalking. But the point is still the point. Why? What purpose does it serve? To cause more pain?...Then I ask WHY?
Ariadne Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 What is my red flag here? The only red flag that I see is that the affair happened 1.5 years ago and you are still obsessing over it.
confusedinkansas Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Gee, since you agree that two grownups SHOULD know better than to screw around on their spouses (but apparently DID NOT know better), then wouldn't it follow that the SAME two grownups SHOULD be able to work together, BUT SHOULD NOT? I agree that they should be able to work together like grown ups IF IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY. I'm not saying it's the ideal situation. But with the job market the way it is right now ya can't just jump ship on a good job. Sorry, no amount of affairs would lead me to believe you should leave a good job just cuz you F'd up. You learn to deal with the situation & try to move past it - & if that means looking for a new job......GREAT.....but if you can't find one - You learn to deal with the situation as it is. Gee - isn't that why they say IF you're going to have an affair - keep it out of the office....Sheesh - for this specific reason.
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