Spark1111 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 You know, it is possible for people to make mistakes. And it's also possible not to be a totally immoral, unfeeling, selfish jerk in many areas of life, but still be one in a marriage. After all, if cheaters were all bad in every aspect of life, the BW's wouldn't take them back, now would they? I'm going to go slink back to the "other forum" now. Misty, I for one appreciate your honesty is shedding light to what I might have received had she returned my phone call. I only felt empathy towards her and have posted on the OM/OW forum. Don't slink away on my account. I have since learned my WS lied to both of us, over and over again. I believe she thought he was exclusive with her and for most of it, he was. But as his confusion grew he did start trawling the waters for a "newer" woman. I'm sure she never knew that because I never called her up screaming about the discoveries I made on his cell phone bill. His wife could be telling you the truth. I have heard this over and over again, and in my situation it WAS TRUE.
MistyK Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I think labeling the decision to have an affair, affecting so many others in such a profound way, can hardly be classified as a "mistake". I get what you're saying here, but we aren't talking about murder here and so many WS's are apparently forgiven by BS's, so it has already apparently been dubbed forgiveable (at least as long as the WS doesn't leave the BS, that's a whole nother kettle of fish). And, no, people that are kind and considerate of others in other areas of their lives are seldom, if ever, jerks in their marriages. People that really have these qulaities act consistently. If you look hard enough, you can see the subterfuge of those presenting a fals front. Problem is an affair partner has not seen the mask come off, yet. People are not always so black and white. In my case, and arguable many OW have seen the mask off. We get the worst of the worst behavior from the MM sometimes - we get lied to (just like the BS), we get our feelings trampled (just like the BS), we get constantly shoved aside so that the WS can keep a lid on the marriage and do spouse-ly duties with the BS. We constantly get the message that we are not important and we are to be available when beckoned. And we are told we are ridiculous and selfish for wanting more. We get called whores in public when the A is found out. When the MM stays with his W, he is the one forgetting all about love and calling "Whore" the loudest. We see the WS's behaving at their worst. Thats a big reason why A's don't last, there's way too much damage done. I had to laugh when my MM said after he moved into his own place that we're still in the honeymoon phase. I said, when the hell was that phase? I've been crying all the time and begging you to make a decision. I get torn up inside everytime you imply you are wavering about going home, and it was worse before you left when you promised you'd move but then did nothing to actually get that process rolling. When exactly was the good part? I have over 200 pages on hurt and anger and depression in a journal, all a result of the A. I started on anti-depressants because of how much it weighed on me. Kinda sounds like what happens to the BS, doesn't it? Even so, he didn't believe me and asked his therapist who said the same thing - there was no honeymoon for us. It was amazing that we stayed together as long as we did. No "mask", no "affair fog", just love and pain. Often, those protrayed as jerks are reacting in their marriage to the abuse that is being perpetrated on them, cheating being the tip of the iceberg of abuse. I think you must have misunderstood. I wasn't calling the BS a jerk. No question what MM should have done. If he wanted to leave, he should have done so before having an A. Evidentaly he was not equipped to do that. Many people are not, unfortunately - it's like they need to see what they're missing or feel supported in some way before they find the strength. It is what it is. My beginning point was that I don't see how contact is going to aeh any good. In my case, it drove BS nuts with jealously, and MM fanned the flames by always telling her how I'm better than her, more compatible, etc. And she got no more information out of it because I lied. This kind of contact is totally pointless, and just hurtful all around.
MistyK Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 His wife could be telling you the truth. I have heard this over and over again, and in my situation it WAS TRUE. I hear ya, but I had access to both his cellphone records (don't ask) and unless he carried a 3rd phone , I can't see that happening. Plus again, he totally didn't have time. It's not because I believe he's a paragon of virtue, mind you, it's just I know he didn't. Plus I have other *TMI* reasons to know this to be true.....all irrelevant now anyhow. His W was intimidated by me - I'm younger and people in the family have said I'm prettier. He's told her I'm smarter (I am better eduated, anyway) and that we are more compatible. I think she would have said anything at all just to get me away - understandably so. Truthfully, if she had told me she was still sleeping with him (even if it was a lie), I would have believed her and dropped him like a hot potato. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true.
MistyK Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 The typical cheater lies to the OW are: . 1. My spouse and I, we no longer connect. She/He just hangs around for a paycheck. We aren't/haven't been physically intimate in weeks, days years. She never listens to me, doesn't care about me.....blah, blah, blah. 2. You are everything I want in a woman/man. When my children are older, when I am more financially set, you and I will run off into the sunset together and be soulmates. 3. I love you and only you. So she believes his lies and then begins to lie to herself; what a horrible spouse you must have. I too had a horrible, now xspouse. We must be meant to be together; we are two lonely people who just happened to find each other and fall in love. This must be my destiny! Exactly!!! There are many more lies in MM's bag too. Usually the OW are the logical recipient of all the complaints he's ever had about his W, which is lame all around (he never gives W a chance to deal with their problems, and uses is to keep OW hooked). It's powerful manipulation.
MistyK Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Oh, yeah. He could have had another phone. Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a cheater covering his/her tracks! Again, at this point, i could care less.
Reggie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 So, Misty, how does one with all these qualities, the attractiveness and the education etc. become involved with somone else's husband? Does being younger(if that is an advanntage), prettier, and more educated entitle one to lie and hurt another? I am simply pointing out that despite these qualities(and whether they are actually more attractive is subjective). the actions,particularly participating in the conspiracy to gaslight(a particularly harsh form of abuse) would seem to be an indication that the affair partners do lack certain human qualities. The ability to do this is not about making a mistake, but, rather about a character flaw, hopefully a correctable one. I think the BSs that contact the affair partners run the risk of being badly hurt, as this woman you dealt with was. Have you contacted her, corrected the misinformation she was given, and apologized? Have you made any form of restitution, the most tangible sign of remorse?
NOTSURE7 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 as a wh just 2 weeks from dday, i would say that you should focus more on your h than the ow,my w wanted all the details and to confront and get justice etc etc,but in the end she realized that it really served no purpose,the ow has nothing to offer you and this has to be between you and your h. if your h is truly sorry and sincere, then why ratchet up all this new drama by confronting the ow,its not her fault,she was probably fed a bed of lies too,so will comparing nootes really help you?, will yelling at her or telling her how much she hurt you or to stay away from your h really help you in the long run? you need your h to be accountable and also to have full nc and you should no longer have to worry about this ow,please as i see my w so devastated i only wish you will take your time to rebuild and strengthen your M and stop worrying about someone who indirectly hurt you and start worrying about the real task at hand and your H, he is the problem and the solution... good luck...
Reggie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Exactly!!! There are many more lies in MM's bag too. Usually the OW are the logical recipient of all the complaints he's ever had about his W, which is lame all around (he never gives W a chance to deal with their problems, and uses is to keep OW hooked). It's powerful manipulation. Reminds me of the W.C. Fields movie "You Can't Cheat an Honest Man".
Reggie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 as a wh just 2 weeks from dday, i would say that you should focus more on your h than the ow,my w wanted all the details and to confront and get justice etc etc,but in the end she realized that it really served no purpose,the ow has nothing to offer you and this has to be between you and your h. if your h is truly sorry and sincere, then why ratchet up all this new drama by confronting the ow,its not her fault,she was probably fed a bed of lies too,so will comparing nootes really help you?, will yelling at her or telling her how much she hurt you or to stay away from your h really help you in the long run? you need your h to be accountable and also to have full nc and you should no longer have to worry about this ow,please as i see my w so devastated i only wish you will take your time to rebuild and strengthen your M and stop worrying about someone who indirectly hurt you and start worrying about the real task at hand and your H, he is the problem and the solution... good luck... I suppose the only purpose it might serve is to confirm some of the info coming from your WS(assuming you are getting any, which is a whole "nother smoke"). I do think WSs have a difficult time understanding the confusion all their lyng has caused BSs. The Bs is often left wondering if, during the time of certain events, the affair was playing a role. Or if certain of the abusive behaviors often displayed by a WS, the affair was having an influence. Having been lied to for so long and so consistently, a BS cannot rely on the WS for the truth. So, the affair partner, assuming he or she would be forthcoming with true information, could be a resource. Of course, again, the affair partner is equally prone to lying, so this really may do no good. But, if the lies from the two affairees don't align, at least the Bs knows the truth is still being hidden.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I suppose the only purpose it might serve is to confirm some of the info coming from your WS(assuming you are getting any, which is a whole "nother smoke"). I do think WSs have a difficult time understanding the confusion all their lyng has caused BSs. The Bs is often left wondering if, during the time of certain events, the affair was playing a role. Or if certain of the abusive behaviors often displayed by a WS, the affair was having an influence. Having been lied to for so long and so consistently, a BS cannot rely on the WS for the truth. So, the affair partner, assuming he or she would be forthcoming with true information, could be a resource. Of course, again, the affair partner is equally prone to lying, so this really may do no good. But, if the lies from the two affairees don't align, at least the Bs knows the truth is still being hidden. i actually fully understand why my w wants to know everything and anything about the ow and i understand she is confused and would also like to know what my thoughts really were and where my head was in the last year, i do get that. my point is really that the ow will have nothing to offer and its highly unlikely that even if the ow talked she is going to sit down long enough to really answer any questions the bs has, plus the ow was a willing player in the game and if they too are married they really will want no part of this,so i think the energy is better spent on working on your m and if you have any questions just ask your h and hope he at least has the decency to answer them honestly, i have been doing that for my w and i find it really helps her.
delajoonal Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 aeh... my H had an online EA it only lasted about 3 weeks..i knew something was wrong with my H he was so text book...so i caught it early.. long story short or longer really..lol i did get OW's number from our cell phone bill...ack! that was like a knife to the gut! and i was able as well to find her pics on line from her business, etc....(btb, it is true, the cheater DOES trade down..lol) anyway, i called her cell...left a message, very simple and to the point, no swearing etc... just said please stay away from my family, as i am aware of this situation and you are married too with small children...(my H filled me in on some things)..i went on to say, please leave my H alone or i will call YOUR H! well, she did NC with MY H for about a week, then emailed him with some lame excuse about a mixed up phone number??? who knows.. so...i left her another message...i said, i asked you kindly to stay away from my family and concentrate on YOUR own cruddy marriage! i told my H to email her and call IT OFF immediately. he did, i watched.. then i found an email from her about a week later, asking if my H was OK and blah blah..love N***** (OW)...argh! anyway, i waited about 3 more weeks...then i called HER HUSBAND.. we spoke for about 3 hours...he was aware of what was going on already, and was devasted as well..but was glad i called cause he needed the comfirmation so he could know what to do next... anyway...she emailed my H and told him to NEVER contact her again and that his wife (ME) was crazy..LOL so...where all that got me...separated and in my own apt. after 14 years with my H...but NOT all is grim...i still have hope:) as for the past 5 months, since that day of H admitting to the online EA... i have wanted to contact OW and tell her so many times what a mess she made of my life...my H said IF he had not met her online, he was about to ask for MC with me... anyway, i wanted to call soo many times, BUT instead of calling OW i would post here and everyone would talk me out of it... and to this day, i am sooo glad i never called her and told her what she had part in...destroying my marriage. some OW might feel really bad, have a concious, some love the game and would get great satisifaction out of knowing they (OW) ruined a marriage..some of these OW are very sick and this is what they do with their lives...just go after married men... so after all that long rambling, i hope it helped and my point is... i did both, i contacted her, but never got to actually speak with her or see her in person..i am glad for that now... do you know even the OW H wanted to set up a meeting for her and i..lol..i said NO thank you.. i am also glad i never called her to tell her the out come of what the EA did to my marriage and that my H left me shortly after.... well, i wish you luck...remember only you can decide what is best for you.. but keep in mind, to really think things thru..so you don't say or do something you will regret later.. i, to this day do not regret leaving her the 2 voicemails telling OW to stay away from my H...i do kinda regret calling her H, as it only hurt him more..and that is NOT what i am about... ok...keep us posted..good luck:)
Reggie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 A couple of things, Notsure. First, a converation with the affair partner will require minimal energy as compared to what your BS must muster to get past this. It's a drop in the bucket, comparitively. So, the diminution of energy does not seem to be an issue. I agree, that it is highly unlikely the OW will be a source of accurate information, even in the unlikey event she consents to talking to your wife. But, in addition to the ability to assees whther the lies match, I think some BSs have the desire to make themselves real to the affair partner. It may take many years before the realization that the affiar partner has inflicted trauma dawns on that affair partner. Some folks go through life running from what they have done as long as they can. And, as you realize, your wife would be nuts to trust your version at this point. I like that Homer Simpson line. Something along the lines of " I don't mind when people do not believe me when I am lying. But, I really can't stand it when I am telling the truth."
NOTSURE7 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 A couple of things, Notsure. First, a converation with the affair partner will require minimal energy as compared to what your BS must muster to get past this. It's a drop in the bucket, comparitively. So, the diminution of energy does not seem to be an issue. I agree, that it is highly unlikely the OW will be a source of accurate information, even in the unlikey event she consents to talking to your wife. But, in addition to the ability to assees whther the lies match, I think some BSs have the desire to make themselves real to the affair partner. It may take many years before the realization that the affiar partner has inflicted trauma dawns on that affair partner. Some folks go through life running from what they have done as long as they can. And, as you realize, your wife would be nuts to trust your version at this point. I like that Homer Simpson line. Something along the lines of " I don't mind when people do not believe me when I am lying. But, I really can't stand it when I am telling the truth." lol, thats a great line and so true...
MistyK Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 So, Misty, how does one with all these qualities, the attractiveness and the education etc. become involved with somone else's husband? Does being younger(if that is an advanntage), prettier, and more educated entitle one to lie and hurt another? I am simply pointing out that despite these qualities(and whether they are actually more attractive is subjective). the actions,particularly participating in the conspiracy to gaslight(a particularly harsh form of abuse) would seem to be an indication that the affair partners do lack certain human qualities. The ability to do this is not about making a mistake, but, rather about a character flaw, hopefully a correctable one. I think the BSs that contact the affair partners run the risk of being badly hurt, as this woman you dealt with was. Have you contacted her, corrected the misinformation she was given, and apologized? Have you made any form of restitution, the most tangible sign of remorse? With all due respect Reggie, she doesn't want to hear the truth. She saw my underwear and still refuses to believe it. It would serve no purpose other than to hurt her at this point. Besides, I've already injected myself enough into their M, dontcha think? It's MM's job to tell his W. I told him many many times to do the right thing - leave before the A is discovered (since it was too late to leave before the A started) for one - then later when she saw my undies, I yelled at him for trying to convince her she made it up in her head. I told him many many times how cruel I thought it was for him to string her along that he wanted to work on the M when he intended to leave, but he always saw it as "easing her in" to the separation. I NEVER condoned his conduct with her. And I didn't care if it pissed him off. I take major offense to your implication that I'm somehow unhuman, you have no idea what I've gone through in my life, let alone my A. But I understand why you have this blanket view of OW. But, you are nevertheless incorrect. I would not wish being an OW on my worst enemy. It's hell.
Spark1111 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 In an effort to spare both our feelings from his lies and deception, he told her we were never intimate. (OH boy!) He told me that when asked about mid-way in the affair if he and I were still intimate, he told her the truth and said she "was gravely disappointed." I countered angrily, "and she still slept with you?? Knowing you and I were intimate all the time? What kind of woman would do that????!!" He said nothing. When I went to contact her, he admitted that he told her we were NEVER intimate. She asserted that I must then have a lover. He began to believe it too. Does anyone understand how delusional the thinking in the affair dynamic is?????? According to the IC, wanting to contact the OP is two fold; protection of the clan (stay away from me, my spouse, our family) and deflection; I do not trust my WS to tell me the truth so maybe the OP will tell me the truth. The problem is there is very little truth in relationships built on lies and deception, not only to the BSs, but also to each other. Aeh, you may get some satisfaction, you may not. But I do so understand the need to confront the OP, whether right or wrong, satisfying or not.
Reggie Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 With all due respect Reggie, she doesn't want to hear the truth. She saw my underwear and still refuses to believe it. It would serve no purpose other than to hurt her at this point. Besides, I've already injected myself enough into their M, dontcha think? It's MM's job to tell his W. I told him many many times to do the right thing - leave before the A is discovered (since it was too late to leave before the A started) for one - then later when she saw my undies, I yelled at him for trying to convince her she made it up in her head. I told him many many times how cruel I thought it was for him to string her along that he wanted to work on the M when he intended to leave, but he always saw it as "easing her in" to the separation. I NEVER condoned his conduct with her. And I didn't care if it pissed him off. I take major offense to your implication that I'm somehow unhuman, you have no idea what I've gone through in my life, let alone my A. But I understand why you have this blanket view of OW. But, you are nevertheless incorrect. I would not wish being an OW on my worst enemy. It's hell. Well, if you stood by and allowed him to mislead her, that was wrong. Why was it up to him to tell her th truth? You knew she was being gaslit, yet you did nothing to preseeve her sanity. As for the panties, you, apparently, have no idea of the dynamics of denial in a BSs mind and how it is natural to want to beleive anything but the truth and to avoid the pain. Many, many BSs do this, and , unless you have walked in their shoes, it is wrong to be critical of this defense mechanism. If you had a tough past, one would think you'd be more sensitive to inflicting similar pain on others.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 aeh... my H had an online EA it only lasted about 3 weeks..i knew something was wrong with my H he was so text book...so i caught it early.. long story short or longer really..lol i did get OW's number from our cell phone bill...ack! that was like a knife to the gut! and i was able as well to find her pics on line from her business, etc....(btb, it is true, the cheater DOES trade down..lol) anyway, i called her cell...left a message, very simple and to the point, no swearing etc... just said please stay away from my family, as i am aware of this situation and you are married too with small children...(my H filled me in on some things)..i went on to say, please leave my H alone or i will call YOUR H! well, she did NC with MY H for about a week, then emailed him with some lame excuse about a mixed up phone number??? who knows.. so...i left her another message...i said, i asked you kindly to stay away from my family and concentrate on YOUR own cruddy marriage! i told my H to email her and call IT OFF immediately. he did, i watched.. then i found an email from her about a week later, asking if my H was OK and blah blah..love N***** (OW)...argh! anyway, i waited about 3 more weeks...then i called HER HUSBAND.. we spoke for about 3 hours...he was aware of what was going on already, and was devasted as well..but was glad i called cause he needed the comfirmation so he could know what to do next... anyway...she emailed my H and told him to NEVER contact her again and that his wife (ME) was crazy..LOL so...where all that got me...separated and in my own apt. after 14 years with my H...but NOT all is grim...i still have hope:) as for the past 5 months, since that day of H admitting to the online EA... i have wanted to contact OW and tell her so many times what a mess she made of my life...my H said IF he had not met her online, he was about to ask for MC with me... anyway, i wanted to call soo many times, BUT instead of calling OW i would post here and everyone would talk me out of it... and to this day, i am sooo glad i never called her and told her what she had part in...destroying my marriage. some OW might feel really bad, have a concious, some love the game and would get great satisifaction out of knowing they (OW) ruined a marriage..some of these OW are very sick and this is what they do with their lives...just go after married men... so after all that long rambling, i hope it helped and my point is... i did both, i contacted her, but never got to actually speak with her or see her in person..i am glad for that now... do you know even the OW H wanted to set up a meeting for her and i..lol..i said NO thank you.. i am also glad i never called her to tell her the out come of what the EA did to my marriage and that my H left me shortly after.... well, i wish you luck...remember only you can decide what is best for you.. but keep in mind, to really think things thru..so you don't say or do something you will regret later.. i, to this day do not regret leaving her the 2 voicemails telling OW to stay away from my H...i do kinda regret calling her H, as it only hurt him more..and that is NOT what i am about... ok...keep us posted..good luck:) I'm going to have to go look at some of your past posts. Seriously, do you honestly believe that a 3 week online fantasy was the cause of your marriage breakdown? I think there is nothing wrong with contacting the OW. I am an OW and I have received an email from the BS to which I did not respond on the advice of the MM. He did say it was up to me, and I could tell her everything, or whatever I wanted. But if I did tell her everything, she would blame all their marriage problems on his affair with me, nothing to do with what led to the affair in the first place. I do expect to hear from her in the future. I do believe the truth will come out. Just don't know when.
choklit Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I was contacted by the wife via phone and of course she was asking me a thousand questions. Did I tell her everything, of course not, I also have a family. It's his obligation to inform her, not mine. She even called a few times afterward, leaving nasty messages and demanding that I return her calls one day while he was at work. She did not want him to know she was trying to contact me again. Ignoring her phone calls only angered her even more. It did not solve anything or scare me away. We continued to communicate and saw each other for a few more months.
Reggie Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Celearly, the type of lying and deceit involved in anaffair, online, PA or whatever of any duration can completely denature a relationship and destroy the trust needed to sustain a relationship. It reveals the character of the partner who has it. That can be a good, although very pianful thing. The vast majority of relationships do not survive betrayl.
Reggie Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I was contacted by the wife via phone and of course she was asking me a thousand questions. Did I tell her everything, of course not, I also have a family. It's his obligation to inform her, not mine. She even called a few times afterward, leaving nasty messages and demanding that I return her calls one day while he was at work. She did not want him to know she was trying to contact me again. Ignoring her phone calls only angered her even more. It did not solve anything or scare me away. We continued to communicate and saw each other for a few more months. I feel you have a moral obligation to tell her the truth, yourself, as well. You ignored her pain, which is wrong.
delajoonal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 MWC---please, of course i do not believe a 3 week online EA can destroy 13 years of marriage...if you do go back read my MANY posts, you will see that this OW only added to my marital problems and in essence was the demise of my H's decision to get MC..he admitted that once he started chatting with OW, he had NO desire to try to make our marriage be what he thinks it should have been...and was lost in this EA fog and ... long story short after 5 months of hell, we have realized, my dh is in the middle of a BAD MLC...he knows, i know it... and well...we are working on the details...5 months ago when the EA happened...we had no idea what was going on with my H...it was a mystery....not my fault either.. so, why do OW always think that MM are out on the prowl searching for OW, because their wives are the reason and to blame for their NOT being so happy, blah blah, etc.... no sweetie..it isn't always that simple;) but hey, thanks for taking an interest in my posts.. also if you DO read way back to the beginning...as you being an OW, maybe you will see and feel that i am VERY REAL as are other wives... and all you OW do is mess up what WE need to fix when OUR HUSBANDS go into MLC or something else as devastating.... just mind ur business and leave our H"s to us wives...we can take care of them...IF you OW would just butt out! once you hear they are married..just take a hike! have a nice day!
Author aeh Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Thanks for all the great responses. I think for me, the main thing isn't even that I want to confront her or ask her questions....it's that I want to see her. There is no way she could be more gorgeous than she is in my mind. It would only confirm this or deny this. I wish I could just see her from afar or ???? Yes I know it's not worth putting effort into her. And truly, like I previously said, I really have no beef with her. She's not the one who made the committment to me. It was him. I just want to put a face to the name. Don't know that she would even agree to see me anyway. Nor that I would ever have the courage to call her.
jj33 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Dont do that to yourself. So what if she looks like Jessica Alba or whoever you think is gorgeous. How will it help. If you see her, then you will have pictures in your mind and they could be really nasty and hard to forget. Assume hes baiting you. And that she is not half as gorgeous as he says he is. You need to believe the things that will help you heal.
Apple_juice Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 the main thing isn't even that I want to confront her or ask her questions....it's that I want to see her. There is no way she could be more gorgeous than she is in my mind. It would only confirm this or deny this. I wish I could just see her from afar or ???? Aeh, i know how you feel. I have the same question in my head all the time. Her image seems to grow bigger in my head at times. Maybe if i could see what she looks like, then i can put a stop to my own imagination. She could be a goddess, but at least i'll know which one. (Better than imagining every good looking woman who walks pass me could be 'her'?) Another reason is to satisfy my curiosity. To find out what kind of lady my husband is actually interested in (since in the past he always criticized every woman who i thought was decent looking, not a single woman was perfect in his eyes.. ha!). What's preventing me from doing it up till now: Should it be a part of recovery? I am not sure which one will give us an easier path to move on, knowing more or knowing less about the OW (instinctively i feel like i want to know EVERYTHING, though who knows, everything may still not be enough..)
LaGazelle Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Thanks for all the great responses. I think for me, the main thing isn't even that I want to confront her or ask her questions....it's that I want to see her. There is no way she could be more gorgeous than she is in my mind. It would only confirm this or deny this. I wish I could just see her from afar or ???? Yes I know it's not worth putting effort into her. And truly, like I previously said, I really have no beef with her. She's not the one who made the committment to me. It was him. I just want to put a face to the name. Don't know that she would even agree to see me anyway. Nor that I would ever have the courage to call her. Aeh, it is really up to you what you do in the end, but bear in mind the power of the imagination. Our fantasies are always so much better than their reality - the brain is that powerful. If you see her and she lives up to what you have imagined, you will probably then obsess about ways in which you do not live up to your husband's "dream woman", and perhaps become preoccupied that he may run off with another hottie should he get the opportunity. On the other hand, if she looks worse than you imagine, you may also find yourself with another dilemma..."if he cheated with her, who won't he cheat with!"
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