BentButNotBroken Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Greetings all (sorry in advance for the spelling errors) I have read threads on this site for some time and decided to make an account and write for some release. From the sounds of it, this pain is far too common. Is it a generation thing? Just kidding. Anyways, on with it I guess. Just want to say first, thank you in advance for taking time to enter this tiny window into my world. I met my wife 9yrs ago. We hit it off pretty smoothly and there were little to no dating games. Just jumped into it! I am an only child/small family (and Aquarius for those that want to know) and she has a close-knit and large family with 2 sisters (she is a Gemini). I was out of college and she was starting junior year in college when we met. My age at the time, 22 and hers....19. (As a side note, i left school back then but have since finished). My high school years and, 1st go around, college years were spent being strictly extroverted. Early on in our relationship...i already started to slow down. She had school, family events, some friend nights, me, and work so i dont know how truly extroverted you count that (this will come back into play later in the story). Part of the reason i slowed down was that i longed for a loving relationship, depression from dropping out of college, and i liked (and still do) working on computers/video games/nights at home. Hindsight is 20-20 you know . We loved and fought hard. Another side story to this was that she lost her virginity to me. After 7yrs together, i finally came to realize that i was ready to be a man, put someone next to me in my life, and proposed. (yes i know...it took awhile). She is just so magnetic, has good morals, such a emotional (she cries reading xmas cards) being, and very loving to me (at least for the most part she was...you will see soon why i say that). Very outspoken and one of those women who preach taking the hard road rather then the easy one. She would criticize her friends and sister for dropping guys harshly and divorcing (her sister got divorced after saying "i dont love him anymore" and moved on to another guy very recently after). I should note that her parents are divorced and her dad was a womanizer. Not psychologically educated enough to know where that plays but now you know anyway. We did not live together until we were engaged (her family strongly believed in not living together unless of marriage). So in early 2007, i moved in with her. The 1st year blew by as we spent it getting our lives merged and planning wedding and parties. After a wonderful wedding day and honeymoon...our new lives began. We spent our time watching TV Show seasons on dvd, going to tons of family outings (mostly on her side), movies, out with friends, and me finishing school while she played in softball leagues. Now for the darker side of things... As we lived with each other (which looking back was about 1.5-75 yrs) we begun in the later stages to have the routine of being married. Go to work>plan dinner>meet at home at various times>plan weekends>mess around in our own ways around house. This was a new life for me. I had to fend on my own growing up (single mom worked a ton and i had more...unmarried...friends back then obviously). Her family had many events and i had begun to "veto" going to some. I guess with school/work/our events....making it to ALL her family events was secondary. Also, she had begun to nourish new friends and they had events she wanted me to be at. As the daily grind grew...she started to feel "rejected" and a "lack of companionship" from me..as she would later put it. Yes i attended things with her still but not all..maybe half or more depending on the week/month. This is hard for me to admit but late in our marriage...the likelihood one of us was alone grew and my intimate "urges" were tempting me towards porn. So now another sense of rejection came from her as i wasnt always up for "the occasion". Now i am going to fast forward past fights, great nights with each other, long talks...to April of 2009 (the 1.4yr mark of our marriage). Divorce had always been a "cop out" to both of us. So it wasnt on the table or in our minds previously..ever. In hindsight, that might of given me a false sense of security. One day in April we had this HUGE fight and i wanted to leave to think about things (maybe stay at my moms...honestly, i probably was just trying to get her to chase me or force us to stop arguing). The word "divorce" was spoken during that fight but quickly put down by her. The fight was mostly over me not being more flexible to attend more outside events and ended with me begging her to just "love me for me and i am getting use to this life..need more time please..i still do what i can" and that we will endure. She agreed and cried for hurting me, and me for her. We made up wonderfully and had some events on the horizon (that i was attending) to get things started on the right track. Now also, she had planned a "girls week" to mexico that was coming up. Obviously, she didnt ask me to attend nor did she want me to. We always joked how she was scoping out that landscape for our second honeymoon and how she was going to a great place for once, married, but with friends and i had nothing to worry about. She had always professed how important it was to be faithfull and how hurtful it was to do that to one another. I have never cheated on her in 9yrs (let alone while married) and had some "options" to but always came back to keeping the life with her. While she had plenty more options (she went out more and is a attractive girl) and didnt cheat. Well, moving on, she left for her trip (about 3wks after that big fight i told you about). Another thing i should note about that big fight was that she didnt "chase" me as aggressively as she usually did..she still did but it was a little more weak. i should of stopped that behavior a long time ago but i guess its apart of being the only child...love the attention. I regret it. She returned from mexico, i picked her up at the airport, and life went on presumably. One "odd" thing that immediately happened when she returned was that the first thing she had to say about her trip was how she was pissed at her girlfriend for wanting to call me while down there to tell me about some guy she was hanging out with. My wife stated that "he was just hanging out with the group and his friends were with him...we were friendly but thats it.." She went on to say..."i was mad that she wanted to call you to tell you as i didnt want those thoughts rolling around in your head while i was down there". (According to her friend..who i spoke with after the fact...my wife and a particular guy were just a bit too chummy and she disagreed with it..he was 7yrs younger then her..very aggresive and "obnactious" as she put it) Anyways....after about one single day of her being back she became VERY distant. Also, i noticed some wierd nights where i would hear the garage open but she would not walk into the house until 10-15 mintues later. After about a week of this...we sat down to have lunch upstairs. I'll never forget it. She said "you know you are right...i have been distant. Honey, maybe its time we move on with our own lives". I was floored. Since we had never discussed divorce that quickly or hardly at all, she never brought it up, and all those recent wacky actions....i subconsciously just knew she was serious at that moment. Yet at the same time, i felt like i never we never had a chance to reconsider. It was like after she finished that sentence..i just knew it was over for us. I cried and hammered her with questions. I laid like a lump for days in our livingroom and didnt sleep with her. The only notable thing she did was always make herself available to speak about it (at least for the first few days). Her reasons were....that she felt rejected for some time and that she had asked for us to go to therapy a few times only to get rejected again. (the therapy rejection thing was me thinking that we needed to be more self sufficient before running there...we had only been married so shortly and we always endured before...it was a mistake in hindsight). She said she had "checked out" and that she wanted to be on her own. She didnt want another relationship and that it "Wasnt because of someone else". I believed her and i began fighting for her back. After about another week of us sleeping apart (we made love a couple times)...she did not waver at all on the decision but why the heck was she not coming in the door right away after coming home like she always used to. That single question in my head along with her fueled rejection of reconciliation...drove me to snoop. i work in "I.T." so naturally i focused on phone records and computer usage. Today, i am ashamed of it but i would be lying if i said that i am not glad i did it. What i found was extra heartbreaking (aside from her just telling me i wasnt what she wanted before i knew about "him"). After i had found a single email to some guy in chicago (who later turned out to be that mexico guy...its where he lives, we live in MN) i confronted her and confessed my snooping. She said they became friends but nothing more and i asked if they spoke on the phone...she said yes "sometimes every now and then but it has nothing to do with us!!!". what? i still dont get that logic. Anyways, she basically explained him as some penpal that talked or emailed once in a great while. However, i didnt see that interpretation in the phone records and further emails. Since the day she returned, they have spoken for hours at a time 2-3 times a day, many texts, and exchanged pictures via email. I confronted her again and again as our divorce loomed and each time she confessed more and more (as long as i had evidence) yet never really got mad about me invading these private things of hers. In her mind, she cant give me anymore chances to stay with me because i had plenty before (i just didnt take them seriously..i will always regret that...again, maybe a false sense of security) and everytime i would say i am fighting she would say she had been for a long time. This is a woman who would never agree with affairs or divorce i should remind you. When i would bring up this guy, she would always try to turn the topic elsewhere or bring up my mistakes in the marriage. I would say "i know my mistakes, forgive me, please let me atone for them...i didnt get the previous alarms...i am here now". She would say that she forgive me but that i am too late for "us". I would hammer her saying "well you didnt have to bring this guy into it...it changed the game...how can we focus on our problems or respecting each other enough to at least end for the reasons we say"...and she would not really say anything. I immediately wanted to go to a therapist. She agreed, but under the guise that it would be a good way to say goodbye to each other with a professional there, and i wanted it because it was hope. We went the first time and she was open for another session which she didnt want going in. There was a positive, i was optimistic and kept fighting. But once she continued to hide those phone conversations while i slept in another room...i moved out. However, we agreed that it was needed and that we would go to another therapy. What i later found was that she had a girls outing to chicago looming in a week and that was where this guy lived. I told her "listen, if you are hesitating with this...we need to error towards our marriage....why are you pushing him in your life?...cant you at least see where this goes before exploring another? we are not even divorced yet...you wanted more therapy i thought?" I made the mistake of giving an ultimatum and saying if she went on that trip.."We are done". Long story short, she scheduled the therapy before the trip, went on the trip, and had sex with this guy. How do i know that? well like i sad, the one thing she has been (although colder and colder as days go by) is approachable. I asked and she gave an answer not directly but left little to contemplate. Basically she said "why ask when you already know". About a week after that trip, the guy drove here (i dont live there anymore) and spent her birthday with each other. Knowing all the talking, texting, emails, and intimacy...i still fought for her. But now the papers are signed and i have stopped. She has since told be that she had "Drunken" kissed this guy in mexico (she contends thats it) and other guys (2) before him while she was back here and before the mexico trip. All this came so quickly and in a huge brain dump that i still havent processed it. Now that we are signed, and i stop fighting, i dwell. She was so approachable yet cold. While she would call and receive calls from this guy at anytime since she returned from mexico...she would usually text or email me at work for long talks. If i wanted to speak on the phone or in person, had to be pre-arranged. So, although she answered for my questions and comments (so maybe she feels a little better) i felt compromised since day one. I thought we both understood that marriage should come first and that divorce was too common. But i guess i was wrong. I mean, i begger her to "love me for me" before her mexico trip and she agreed. Yet it almost seems like that the truth was "i will love you for you until i find a better option". It hurt real real bad. To this day she says about this divorce... - she left me because i made her unhappy, rejected, and not a good enough companion - the chicago guy isnt a relationship so she wasnt lying...he just gave her the attention and companionship she longed for so she was interested. She says she thought that once she left for that chicago trip we were done anyways. He is just a friend with benefits (she didnt put it like that...she said just friend) and nothing to do with why she was unhappy. - When i say "if you just wanted to leave and be on your own...why did you have to have him around and put deadlines on my fight or have the distraction of him in your ear?"...she would respond " it would not be different anyway if he wasnt here so why does it matter?" So that makes it okay? i just dont get it. She was so adamant about her faith in god and the sacrament of marriage (before we got engaged) so she created this wacky logic to make her case a "special" one? She just does not get how much extra pain it was to, not only, be told i "would rather be alone then with you" but to also know she is having relations and talking endlessly with another. Yet when i cry to her she would say..."why do you just focus on you...i have my pain here too". I dont know. I am improving day by day, now that we are signed and filed. Closure with no possible deceit on the side finally i guess. I have stopped, since last week, speaking with her unless it has to do with signing away some remnant of our marriage. She spends her time either working, partying, or meeting with that guy when not talking (its almost like she is just trying to not deal with this...because she used to hardly "party" at all) We spent 9yrs together, how does someone be able to just make new memories or share moments in place we did...with someone else so quickly. She always used to care about the scorned and always stuck up for the disrespected. Now all the sudden, i am the exception? She has had moments of hesitation these past months but she always errors towards us divorcing, not marriage. I feel so invaluable. Was i just that bad of a husband to her to make her compromise everything she stated she stood for? Should i have sacrificed more? Did i not pull my weight? Why can she say over and over again that she is miserable with all this and that she "didnt want any of this to happen" yet push for it so strongly (our divorce and her needs with that other guy)? When i question her crossing the line with bringing another into our problem she always comes down on what i did to make her unhappy so neither of us gets our message across? Its like she is using that as "fuel" for these actions. Thank you for reading all this and for listening. Writing really helps. If anyone has any take on this or questions..let me know or post. I would love to dive into this drama and find something from it. How can i grow from deceit? I know my failures but wish i could of atoned for them with her. It gets easier to forgive her but hard to forget. I am eating and working out. Gosh, the gym is the only place my mind is free. I am sitting here getting buff (well getting there) while sitting in my apartment sad and in a dead stare at night. This was living death but i will endure...i just have to. my friends are mostly all married and the "oh my god...so sorry" is getting old. Not much for the clubbing scene but i am sure i need to get out there and meet new people. Its just hard.
CheatedOnHusband Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Hi BBNB, your post did brought back memories. The excuses/rationalisation given by your wife is just the same by other WS - no difference. We beat ourselves by saying we made mistakes during our marriage/relationships - who doesn't? Our 'mistakes' which we reflect on after the events, I believe, are not such that would have ended any marriage if the 2 are bent on working on it. Nothing you would have done would have saved your marriage. As you probably realised she checked out emotionally long before you found out. She trumped up excuses to excuse her behaviour. Made herself the victim and you the culprit. The more you fought the further she went. We learn from such conducts of our spouses, and also learn not to be 'comfortable' when married; expect the unexpected. It will sure make us a better person and spot signs next time. Sorry to hear about what you went through.
Author BentButNotBroken Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Hi BBNB, your post did brought back memories. The excuses/rationalisation given by your wife is just the same by other WS - no difference. We beat ourselves by saying we made mistakes during our marriage/relationships - who doesn't? Our 'mistakes' which we reflect on after the events, I believe, are not such that would have ended any marriage if the 2 are bent on working on it. Nothing you would have done would have saved your marriage. As you probably realised she checked out emotionally long before you found out. She trumped up excuses to excuse her behaviour. Made herself the victim and you the culprit. The more you fought the further she went. We learn from such conducts of our spouses, and also learn not to be 'comfortable' when married; expect the unexpected. It will sure make us a better person and spot signs next time. Sorry to hear about what you went through. Thank you for taking the time to read COH and reply. Its amazing the strength that comes from putting thoughts down somewhere. While, sadly, your post rings true....it doesn't make things any less tragic. The behavior pattern appears there pretty clearly in my opinion (now that i can look at it in chronological order)...but that doesn't bring any peace. I am just so shocked and penetrated by this turn of events. The divorce alone would of done that. But the OM on top of it including the deceit...gosh that burns. It's sad to know that i was made an example of here. She never did this to anyone before me and probably never after. The reason i included "after me" is that i believe she knows that was wrong, and has now had to live through the pain of watching another suffer from her actions. (As i said in the post, she is a good person traveling down a path that she thinks she can't reverse now because of all the damage). Reflection is good and please do not ever think i do not hold myself equally responsible for divorce. As i told my ex a couple weeks ago..."i can forgive you for everything because it would make us stronger...but i cant forgive you for divorcing me...because then, all this crap you did would have been nothing but disrespectful/selfish actions on your part and for the gain of nourishing a relationship that had a fraction of the bond and/or history we had". So we signed the papers and i now in the "dealing with it" stage. Life is good though. Its a roller coaster but maybe this happened so that i could learn from it and have a fully loving relationship. Just got to love myself again first.
Author BentButNotBroken Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 :update: She just called me...i had received a piece of mail addressed to me but meant for her so i texted her saying "should i redirect this to you?" and she freaking called me. I find that wacky because everytime i felt the need to call...she would text. I dunno. Anyways, i played the reverse psych game steadfast for once (thats a hard game to play and i usually screw it up by breaking). She said "your in a good mood? why?" and i said "well life is good today" and that was it. Here was the lip biting moment....She asked "did you mean what you said when you said you hated me?" and i replied " let me get back to you on that...still have some things to deprocess from this..its was a roller coaster there for awhile." She proceeded to say "well whats different now?" and i said "i didnt like the cards i was dealt but i had to move on". She then finished with "well i didnt either" THATS when i bit my tongue. I wanted to say "WHAT! I am sorry sunshine but you and your little star crossed romance was what crossed the line here. That pain of seeing that is three times more then anything i ever did to you. Plus i never cheated or deceived you for protecting another. I was loyal and monagamous. You changed the game girl!!!" But i didnt say that...i just said "okay..." and then made a quick exit. You think i should of hammered her about being wrong then go back to happy me....or is this what it takes, putting my views away?
lupa Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 :update: She just called me...i had received a piece of mail addressed to me but meant for her so i texted her saying "should i redirect this to you?" and she freaking called me. I find that wacky because everytime i felt the need to call...she would text. I dunno. Anyways, i played the reverse psych game steadfast for once (thats a hard game to play and i usually screw it up by breaking). She said "your in a good mood? why?" and i said "well life is good today" and that was it. Here was the lip biting moment....She asked "did you mean what you said when you said you hated me?" and i replied " let me get back to you on that...still have some things to deprocess from this..its was a roller coaster there for awhile." She proceeded to say "well whats different now?" and i said "i didnt like the cards i was dealt but i had to move on". She then finished with "well i didnt either" THATS when i bit my tongue. I wanted to say "WHAT! I am sorry sunshine but you and your little star crossed romance was what crossed the line here. That pain of seeing that is three times more then anything i ever did to you. Plus i never cheated or deceived you for protecting another. I was loyal and monagamous. You changed the game girl!!!" But i didnt say that...i just said "okay..." and then made a quick exit. You think i should of hammered her about being wrong then go back to happy me....or is this what it takes, putting my views away? Be strong, show none of that. Don't go over the past, don't dwell, don't beg. Don't do what normal humans do because we care and don't understand the game. Regardless of whether or not you want to get back together, just keep this up. Having the hand in whatever remains of the relationship is sometimes rewarding in and of itself. Just my two cents.
Author BentButNotBroken Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Be strong, show none of that. Don't go over the past, don't dwell, don't beg. Don't do what normal humans do because we care and don't understand the game. Regardless of whether or not you want to get back together, just keep this up. Having the hand in whatever remains of the relationship is sometimes rewarding in and of itself. Just my two cents. Well said. Thanks for the boost! I gotta keep the demons down and continue looking out for myself. If this results in her falling back to chasing me now...she will have to come back on my terms not hers. and if she doesn't...her loss. heck yea. Today is good. I know the wave of pain will come back but i sure like winning a battle for once. edit: by the way lupa...your thread was one of the first i read on here. good for you man, you have come along way. i am getting there but seeing you then and in your posts now...man it is true that there is always a "dawn" on the horizon.
lupa Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Well said. Thanks for the boost! I gotta keep the demons down and continue looking out for myself. If this results in her falling back to chasing me now...she will have to come back on my terms not hers. and if she doesn't...her loss. heck yea. Today is good. I know the wave of pain will come back but i sure like winning a battle for once. edit: by the way lupa...your thread was one of the first i read on here. good for you man, you have come along way. i am getting there but seeing you then and in your posts now...man it is true that there is always a "dawn" on the horizon. What a long slog, huh? Got my ass kicked, so has everyone else here. Each day is a struggle, but I think each day we get better. Just try to control your emotions, even if it is just while you are interacting. I know I didn't even think I had these emotions...then they went out of control. But there are certain things you NEED, and other things you WANT. You NEED food, shelter, an income. You WANT everything else. Wants are the root of our suffering...only if we confuse them with our needs. Some food for thought that is making this clearer for me.
Author BentButNotBroken Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 What a long slog, huh? Got my ass kicked, so has everyone else here. Each day is a struggle, but I think each day we get better. Just try to control your emotions, even if it is just while you are interacting. I know I didn't even think I had these emotions...then they went out of control. But there are certain things you NEED, and other things you WANT. You NEED food, shelter, an income. You WANT everything else. Wants are the root of our suffering...only if we confuse them with our needs. Some food for thought that is making this clearer for me. Got my ass kicked too. I'll get up though. It's so strange.....i hate her but i love her. As days go by with these sad games that the world has come to...reverse psychology...i realize that its probably not a good idea at this point to get back with her. Yet something inside me keeps that door ever so slightly cracked (like i just can't say that i would not take her back). But with all that is broken and what opportunities are in front of me (even though this wasnt the path i chose)....the reality might be that she is a little right to stay on this course with such cold strength. I could of done without the extra dude but hey...she is a girl i once chased, why wouldnt another. Its her morals that were compromised, not mine. I honestly think it will hit her at some point. Maybe not that she lost little ole me (or maybe so)...but that she cheated, she lied, she hurt someone she cared about. All those things she never wanted to be associated with. I just wish i knew what goes through a womans head when they do this. They are like computers sometimes, they just "Delete" and rewrite...almost immediately. I do not roll that way, maybe its just because i was the one scorned here. hmm.
lkjh Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I had trouble reading your post because it was long and not broken up. But from what I gathered, your wife met a guy in Mexico, separated from you and then slept with him but later claimed she only kissed him. Now you two are divorced and pretty much not talking. If that is right then you didn't do anything wrong. She cheated and that is a character flaw. Go NC with her and cut her out of your life. Just be strong and never speak to her again
Author BentButNotBroken Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I had trouble reading your post because it was long and not broken up. But from what I gathered, your wife met a guy in Mexico, separated from you and then slept with him but later claimed she only kissed him. Now you two are divorced and pretty much not talking. If that is right then you didn't do anything wrong. She cheated and that is a character flaw. Go NC with her and cut her out of your life. Just be strong and never speak to her again I guess thats a fair assessment. But i left mundane details in that post to kind of show what ammunition she had to knock my behavior as a husband. Its not that i dont agree...there is a character issue here. I just have a hard time telling stories without leaving out some facts to show maybe why both sides felt the way they did. That and i have always felt she was drowning me to save herself by using my faults as fuel. I agree with your post. Your summary is just a bit off..here is mine; - We get married, we get distant, she goes to mexico, she kisses a man down there, she comes back and pronounces divorce intentions, she meets up with same guy and sleeps with him, then tells me later that she kissed him in mexico and had 2 other kisses with other men in the past but never told me. Now she uses my failures to fuel her coldness and unhappiness. So i have no leg to stand on because she is blocking me out and considers her actions with this guy to be seperate and not "as bad as i think". Her actions say otherwise. Oh well, i cut off contact.
Author BentButNotBroken Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 *Update* Had some chinks in the armor the last few days but i am above water. Couple things good and heart wrenching to note... - I went on a semi-date but nothing happened intimately. I told this woman that i am filed for a divorce i didn't want and am not not looking for anything serious...beforehand. Yet she wanted to go out and chat plus some food. It was "different". She picked a restaurant me and my STBXW (*soon to be) went to and i quitely diverted away from that to a newer place. I am sitting there thinking..."how the heck can this be so hard for me to be with someone and not even enter places because of memories from the past when my STBXW can go anywhere and make new memories in these same spots immediately....AND be intimate!!!?" I told the STBXW too after a positive attitude boost that she picked up on. She was nosy but not outwordly shaken. - My STBXW is spending a week (this week) with that OM and it just rips be apart silently still. In our limited texting i was civil but not a pushover. I told her that what she was doing was unacceptable. She then said something like "i didnt want any of this (divorce and all) to happen at the start too". I replied "No bones about it...this is your divorce, i was just a married man along for the legal ride. Our vows included fidelity and just because you waited to sleep with him until having your cake a little more, and before we signed the papers, doesnt make your case special. This was emotional adultery plus kissing and physical validation on your next visit with him. I have to make my life without you and i am sorry you felt and acted this way" **guess that MLC site grew on me after seeing what i told her and going back there..hehe. Not sure how proud i am of reaming her but the important thing was that she knew i disagreed and that i felt her actions on top of that were unacceptable. I think things between us are coming to an utter end. At some point soon, I will have to go dark and its sad. GUNNY!!! I NEED A BOOST HERE. SET ME STRAIGHT. I AM WAVERING.
Gunny376 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I'm just going to tell you what I told myself back in tha' day! Where in tha' Hell did you ever get it in your head that this was the best and only you can do! Where in the Hell did you get it into your head that this was the best that you deserved? Where in the Hell did you get it into your head that this was all you could do? Its not what they've got to offer you! Its what you've got to offer them! We've got to get beyond this love equation! We've got to get down to what one woman has to offfer one man! And one man has to offer one woman!
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Stay strong and go dark on her the more she continues to contact the more your pulled back into what happened. I'd just forget her and move on.
Author BentButNotBroken Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 What you say is the right thing to do Chrome...but we all know doing the right thing isn't always the easy road. I am not going to stoop to her level of maturity. She can call me and if she wants to "chit chat"?....see ya gotta go, have a good day tell me she didnt want this?...then you should not have done it tell me the divorce was my responsibility too?...only in picking up the pen YOU gave me to sign with. Not what i wanted and clearly not what i advised or acted towards. tell me she wants to talk about "us" again?...on my terms and hopefully for her, i havent gotten snatched up yet. Because i respect my relationships...so if a new "flame" isnt comfortable with my ex wife, bye bitch. Ex had her chance. The family issues are starting to form. My family considers what she did as adultery (although i believe i do too...not quite sure, a little gray there since physical contact occurred after a assumed seperation and my ultimatum running out...although i dont know how many people consider talking/emailing/drunken kiss as adultery...its wrong but is it that? what do you think?)
Author BentButNotBroken Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 UPDATE All i have to say about my recent days is "ugh". No contact other then a single email (my sunday plans got canceled, not by me, and an idle mind...) I felt like i was always coming back to "does she really understand the level of terms that would need to take place for me to even TALK to her?" So i wrote the ole "road map" email saying basically...if you drop OM and feel remorseful...i might have more gradual conversations again. But the sad truth is that i should not have wrote anything. It will not make a damn difference. Its been 3mnths since bomb drop and 2wks since filing. Long way to go. The good things are that it gets much easier to not return her calls or emails or texts. At least more consistently easier . Got to get a grip here. I will have to make some contact though to grab some things of mine she found. One thought that drives me nuts is if she committed adultery or not? Maybe my case is really just bad husband and her just moving on immediately because she had the guts to make the call? i just wanted to support each other...not "fix" each other for selfish reasons. Those are the demons that i will have to suppress i guess.
Author BentButNotBroken Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Saw my STBXW today while i picked up some remnants of my living in her house. I pretty much was there for no more then 5min. Direct contact still is a blow but each time seems to be getting a tiny bit smoother. I was nice but not talkative. I just grabbed my things and said "take it easy". She sounded kind of dreary (like if someone close to you dies and you are welcoming people to the funeral...they all have that sad tone...that was her). Didn't feel like pity but it could of been. Man she looked good but a little "thicker". Shame on me for getting a boost out of that. i have lost 24pounds in 3months and I do not want it back. Consider it me "shedding" some pain. Instead of wanting her to pity me (before, i liked ANY attention i got from her)...now I want to throw it back at her. As of today, I plan on going all "dark" on her (meaning no contact), wish me luck. I expect some faults here and there but I think I am as ready as I'll ever be. I doubt anyone is ready to do that to someone they shared morning, noon, and night with for 9yrs...but people would be surprised at what I am capable of. Just some thoughts for today.
Gunny376 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 YOU! NINETEEN YEARS FROM NOW? WTF WAS I THINKING! WTF DID I EVER SEE IN HER? That's where I'm at now! Along with,.............................. Thank God! I'm not dragging that dead horse and saddle around with me everywhere I go! Thank God, I'm free! I'm finally free! "Thank God and Greyhound she's gone! Those big diesel engines are playing my song! I really don't know IF I could have gone on! THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND SHE'S GONE!"
Author BentButNotBroken Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 YOU! NINETEEN YEARS FROM NOW? WTF WAS I THINKING! WTF DID I EVER SEE IN HER? That's where I'm at now! Along with,.............................. Thank God! I'm not dragging that dead horse and saddle around with me everywhere I go! Thank God, I'm free! I'm finally free! "Thank God and Greyhound she's gone! Those big diesel engines are playing my song! I really don't know IF I could have gone on! THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND SHE'S GONE!" Oh i know. Lost the first love i ever had (i was 18) to blatant cheating. Tore me up years. It's wierd but, in a way, that event lessens the blow of this one a bit. My first love, i can pretty much watch her with another man now and think nothing of it. I am admitting this here AND ONLY here...i have always felt that the only time i had 100% true passion for a woman was back during my first love. So if i can look past her doing that to me...then any other relationship breakup is a little easier. I can treat that first love like it all never happened when i run into her...but she still is a biatch. I forgave but i never forgot. Same will probably go here too. Just got to take my shuttle ride like everyone else. Thanks as always Gunny.
LisaUk Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 I guess thats a fair assessment. But i left mundane details in that post to kind of show what ammunition she had to knock my behavior as a husband. Its not that i dont agree...there is a character issue here. I just have a hard time telling stories without leaving out some facts to show maybe why both sides felt the way they did. That and i have always felt she was drowning me to save herself by using my faults as fuel. I agree with your post. Your summary is just a bit off..here is mine; - We get married, we get distant, she goes to mexico, she kisses a man down there, she comes back and pronounces divorce intentions, she meets up with same guy and sleeps with him, then tells me later that she kissed him in mexico and had 2 other kisses with other men in the past but never told me. Now she uses my failures to fuel her coldness and unhappiness. So i have no leg to stand on because she is blocking me out and considers her actions with this guy to be seperate and not "as bad as i think". Her actions say otherwise. Oh well, i cut off contact. Hi Doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, unless you abused, nothing excuses her behaviour, nothing. Did she commit adultery? YES. She kissed two men, then a third, then had sex with him while you had made it clear you wanted to work things out, whether you had seperated or not is irrelivant, you did not agree to see other people, she made vows and you are still married. If she really tried to get you to go to counselling before and really tried in a calm way, not during arguments, to explain that she felt really unhappy, then she could have left without cheating on you. There is no justification for it.
Author BentButNotBroken Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Hi Doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, unless you abused, nothing excuses her behaviour, nothing. Did she commit adultery? YES. She kissed two men, then a third, then had sex with him while you had made it clear you wanted to work things out, whether you had seperated or not is irrelivant, you did not agree to see other people, she made vows and you are still married. If she really tried to get you to go to counselling before and really tried in a calm way, not during arguments, to explain that she felt really unhappy, then she could have left without cheating on you. There is no justification for it. Thank you Lisa. I am moving on from it but sometimes needing random thoughts validated gives a boost. Even if you could not agree with the adultery view...I needed to ask here. I appreciate it.
LisaUk Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Thank you Lisa. I am moving on from it but sometimes needing random thoughts validated gives a boost. Even if you could not agree with the adultery view...I needed to ask here. I appreciate it. Your welcome, they twist things so much, they have you questioning things you KNOW are correct, mine has had me questioning myself as well as his behaviour. Like I know he is CP, yet I still come on here asking if he's CP? They distort things so much, act like they have done nothing wrong and re-write the marital history, just to give themselves a justification for their own behaviours. It's soul destroying if you let it be. You know what is right, so don't let her hurt you from a far. (I really should take my own advice LOL).
Author BentButNotBroken Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Your welcome, they twist things so much, they have you questioning things you KNOW are correct, mine has had me questioning myself as well as his behaviour. Like I know he is CP, yet I still come on here asking if he's CP? They distort things so much, act like they have done nothing wrong and re-write the marital history, just to give themselves a justification for their own behaviours. It's soul destroying if you let it be. You know what is right, so don't let her hurt you from a far. (I really should take my own advice LOL). That is exactly what keeps me forward. No way am I going to let her do that, on top of, what happened already. I consider the pain I still have to be what I missed processing when I chased her. Honestly, I consider her to be in denial and not consider what she did as "adultery". Denial will carry you for awhile but it breaks down. I know this myself. I would rather live forward knowing I ended a marriage I didnt want then ending a marriage with deceit and cruelty as the tools. Sadly, that is what she did. Her loss.
LisaUk Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 CP? What is CP? Exactly what you suggested he was a long time ago, commitment phobe. 8 year engagement, bolts 2 weeks after we set the date to marry,(well 7 weeks if you count the 5 weeks of torturing me, while he tried to wrestle with his commitment conflicts), 18 years together total. Who the f**k is he trying to kid here?
Author BentButNotBroken Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Going on my first steady run of absolutely NO contact. It's liberating and a pain in the butt. She is like a backpack I carry around everywhere. The good thing is, there is hardly any weight in it now. BTW: She is legally my ex now which makes this a bit easier.
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