MARK1957 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Using an internet forum to talk about my feelings on this topic is new for me. I'm nervous. Many stories are similar to mine except the time that has gone by and the nature of the rejection itself. Many of you will say I really haven't experienced rejection/pain of hurt. I do-every day. On the day that it happened, I emotionally died. I have no problems making friends with women. If I was not SO attracted to a woman when I met her I wouldn't think about asking her out, though she could be a friend. (It's NOT just physical attraction either as that is subjective.) That's my emotional nature I guess. I'm not cold or aloof. Women have told me I'm a nice guy. I just didn't want to get hurt. I'm an incureable romantic. I put up a shell around myself. I believe true love is EXTREMELY rare. It can't be defined or analyzed or develop gradually. I've heard it said once it finds you, you'll know. I believed that,after I met her. Fast forward through high school, college and my early work life. I met only a few women I was interested in but eventually was rejected. I accepted that and move on. THEN I met Sharon in August, 1988 through a business situation with my aunt and uncle. On THAT DAY I fell so much in love I couldn't believe it. I didn't know her. I was SCARED. After 6 months my perceptive uncle said "Ask her out. She likes you." I would get badly hurt I thought because of my feelings for her. Well, I called her and asked her out. She said yes. No hesitation. I was ecstatic! She asked me to call her back with a time as she was going to be out of town a few days. I did of course. She said she couldn't go out with me because she didn't want to make her bf insecure. Huh? I died. I told her my feelings over time. I can't go into details.(Yet later on she told me face to face regarding that bf -"he's out of the picture now".I can't remember how long it was between her saying she couldn't go out with me and saying he's out of the picture. I was/still am drowning in pain . It's crazy-didn't even date her, but...inexplicably,deeply fell in love with her the moment I met her. I've never blamed her. I couldn't. It wasn't her fault. It just happened. Went to a psychiatrist for over 2 yrs.-early 90's,crying many times-no use. In 21 YEARS and counting, haven't asked or care to or thought about asking another woman out. Think about Sharon EVERY day-21 YEARS!-I'm 51-she-48. She's likely married with kids-don't know-not tried to locate her-won't. I'm not a creep. Maybe you think I'm pathetic . I'm just a man with female and male friends with a responsible job I go to every day who has NEVER drank or smoked or done drugs. Unfortunately, I met a very sweet, pretty lady 21 years ago with whom I fell deeply in love, without being reciprocated. I feel "emotionally married" to her. The only answer is just to try to keep forgetting the hurt by keeping busy with other areas of my life. I'll be in love with Sharon for the rest of my life. Thanks for listening.
whimsical_memory Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I think that you should at least find out if she is married. What if she has kept thoughts of you over the years too, but won't take the steps to find out about you because you are "likely married w/children". Life is short...I think you should at least try to find out what has happened with her. And, the person you love(d), is likely not the same person that she is now..sadly time has a way of changing people. I wish you all the best
bac Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 did you have any relationships during all these 21 years? any marriages? kids?
Author MARK1957 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I know this is virtually impossible to understand, but no, I haven't had any romantic relationships/marriages/children/one night stands, etc. in the 21 years since I met and described my feelings over Sharon in the thread- nor any marriages/children/one night stands, etc.before that. Honestly. I wrote it to try and temporarily relieve an ongoing very lonely and broken heart. I realize it's all so difficult to believe, but it's true. All I can say is that it's probably my emotional nature as described in the thread. I don't want to get into the psychological aspect of it all. Prior to meeting Sharon, I asked women out. Some said yes. Some said no-very nicely. The relationships I had were very short, all ended by the women. Nothing unusual happened in these relationships. I was probably hurt a little/disappointed, but as I said in my thread, I accepted that and moved on with my life. The women who said no-well-no problem-a little hurt/disappointed- but no problem. One of those women who said no, before I met Sharon, remained a friend for 8 years until she moved out of state for a new job.(no- I didn't try to ask her out again.Friends was ok) When all is said and done, I simply fell deeply in love with Sharon- a sweet, pretty lady who unwittingly and without blame triggered this emotion in me for her- the only time this ever happened to me.I can't explain it. I can only try to live with it. I simply feel the way I do-for 21 years and counting. I know it's unbelievable. But it's true. Thanks for inquiring. Have a great day.
Jess75 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 So sorry Mark! You are not alone - In 2000 I was with a guy for 6 months and fell totally and utterly in love with him. He never committed to me and I only saw him once a week over that time, seeing him was like a drug. One night I knew I had to ask him where I stood because I was going totally insaine not knowing - he told me not to come over to his house and that he had another girl there...as you can imagine - my world totally crashed, I feel the pain just writing this. I never saw him again! Over the next 8 years I thought about him every day (constantly), I knew he was married and had a couple of kids (friend saw him in the street).. Then last year I was with my husband in a club, my husband went outside for a smoke and while standing waiting for him someone grabbed my arm - it was him..... I was so shocked I could hardly talk... he asked what happened to us and I briefly explained our final call 8 years earlier, he knew he was an @rse to me.... I then told him that I had been totally in love with him (never told him that)... he also said he still thought of me. And that was it... You are probably wondering why I am telling you all this but after I saw him, told him how I felt and that I knew that he had been thinking of me; all the longing for him went away - it was amazing...!! I now kind of look on the situation fondly and am glad I grew from it. What I am saying is maybe you should contact this woman and tell her how you felt / feel - get it off your chest, you need your closure! Good luck!
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 OP, if you like to read, you might find the Evolution series of my journals to be of interest. There are three installments that would be relevant to your experience. I need to update that series with details of our experiences since meeting again in 2007 and will do that soon. We still talk at least once a week. My short advice is to take this experience and use it to grow yourself emotionally and spiritually. We're the same age so you're talking to a contemporary here. Anyway, welcome to LS and best wishes Here's the first installment of the journal. The rest are in the "history" area. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/blog.php?b=45 Oh, there's another which includes relevant information. I'll update that one when I have time. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/blog.php?b=76
Author MARK1957 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Thankyou so much for your kind words. I see by your profile that you are a female. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. To respond, I have a very difficult time believing it's even possible that Sharon has kept thoughts of me during all these years even if she was single/no longer married. It's possible but..... The utter feelings of extremely deep love I have for her weren't reciprocated even though she did initially respond happily to me asking her out and said yes. Honestly, I am scared to death of trying to find out what has happened with her/whether she is married or not. I want to SO badly, but I'm also terrified of feeling overwhelmingly hurt by anything I might find out. I couldn't survive that. You're right. People do change. But, I know in my broken heart that if Sharon and I had ended up together, I would have done anything to give myself SO COMPLETELY to her to want to make her very happy. I think that's what true unconditional romantic love is and it's EXTREMELY rare.I constantly think about gently holding her hand while walking on the beach with her; putting my arms around her to hug her; (ironically, I did hug her the very last time I saw her-I asked if I could hug her. She said yes. I reached out to put my arms around her. She responded by putting her arms around me and we hugged. I had tears in my eyes right there.) putting my arm around her to draw her close to me to cuddle and looking lovingly into her beautiful eyes and gently kissing her and not wanting to stop. Reality hits hard when I know that none of that has happened except the hugging and I can ONLY want all that to happen with HER, for 21 YEARS and counting. I ask myself WHY did this happen? I can only say I fell in complete, overwhelming love with the most beautiful, sweetest, incredible lady I've ever met. I'm just a one woman man not afraid to commit-but ONLY to Sharon. I finally found that woman who didn't find me. As I said in my initial post, I feel so "emotionally married" to Sharon. I died that day when she didn't feel the same way over time. I'll think more of what you suggested in your reply. I have no idea where she is. I wouldn't even know where to begin. But, for the reasons above, I'm extremely hesitant and doubtful to do that. Thankyou for your kindness Whimsical Memory. Thankyou for caring. Mark.
whimsical_memory Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Mark, there are ways of finding her if that is what you so desire. You can try searching Facebook.com (using her Maiden name), if you know the name of the school that she went too you can try Classmates.com If you do try to find her, please be prepared for the possibility that she may not remember who you are. Twenty-one years is a very long time, and while the romantic in me is hoping for a fairy-tale ending for you (you find her, she's waited for you all these years, you live happily ever after ), the realistic in me knows that this probably won't happen. In any case, you'll feel better about having found out how she's been and as another posted said, you might find that all the feelings you've had simply dissipate after the mystery has been solved. Good luck Mark
Sparklegirl100 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Hi Mark1957, I haven't frequented this forum for a few years until these recent weeks. When I came across your thread, I simply had to reply! What an unbelievable story! It makes me think of "The Notebook" or other novels by Nicholas Sparks. In fact, I think some of Nicholas Sparks books are deeply personal -inspired by true stories such as his parents' marriage. I can't believe a man could long for a woman for 21 YEARS! I don't want to downplay your emotions or put you down in any way but perhaps you are only in lust with the image you have of her and not the real her. After so many years, the mind can play tricks on us and distort reality. How well did you know her? What is it exactly about her that made her stand out from the rest? Even I would be curious to meet this sorceress who has cast a spell on a man so that he thought of her every day for 21 YEARS! I want to know what kind of tricks she has up her sleeve! I think all the single ladies here would really like to know what it is that makes a man feel "emotionally married" to ONE woman for such a long period of time. I know what it means to be "emotionally married" to someone. There was a very special guy in my life. Let's call him Michael...Michael died 7 years ago very tragically young. I have diaries replete with stories about Michael and my very deep love for him. Some might have called it a puppy love but a puppy love doesn't last for 15 years! I met him when I was about 12...He really liked me too but I was always insecure and afraid when I was in my teens. Unfortunately, my fear didn't permit me to get too intimate with him as I would have liked to. Micheal was everything I ever wanted in a man - brilliant, compassionate, sensitive, talented and much more. I have a hard time calling him a man because he died so young (age 28). In my mind, he will always be the boy that inspired me for nearly 20 years. He wasn't perfect. He had a dark period in his life where he dabbled with drugs and alcohol but I knew why - he was suffering for reasons I can't get into here. He grew out of that phase and became a very enlightened individual. I loved him for all his darkness and all his light. I could write an entire book about him. In fact, I have been toying with the idea of writing a book about us or the fairy tale of what could have been...I have many diary entries as my source of inspiration. I can't think of a better way to honour my love for him than to write a beautiful story and have it adapted as a screenplay for a movie...It's only an idea for now but maybe one day, I will get around to it. The last time I saw Micheal, I actually had the courage to tell him about my true feelings after all those years. I felt so blessed to have that last opportunity because he died very shortly after. I was practically bedridden for a week when I learned about his death. I cried every night for that week and still cried here and there years down the road. Every time other men have hurt me, I had my sleepless nights of crying not so much about them but mostly over losing Micheal because his soul was too beautiful to be as evil as they were. I went to his grave site a few times and placed white roses on his grave. It has been too painful for me to go back to the grave site. It is so hard to believe that someone who had so much to offer to the world met such a tragic demise. When I meet new men, I always think -how do they compare to Micheal? Do they measure up? And sadly, all men I have met have disappointed me in many ways and because of that I remain "emotionally married" to a dead man. A few of these men were arrogant, self-centered and insensitive,took advantage of my vulnerability and really hurt me - very unlike Micheal. As long as there is no one in my life - I have memories of Micheal to cling onto. Perhaps the years have blurred who he really was and I idolize him to a certain extent but it is much easier to cling to an idol than to the reality I have known with men these last few years. The knowledge that someone so wonderful walked this Earth gives me hope to go on. Every time a man has hurt me since Micheal's death, I have occasional thoughts of killing myself but then I ask myself ,"Would Micheal allow me to kill myself? Wouldn't he want me to at least TRY and be happy?". I remember the last time we spoke and he held my hands, looked into my eyes and asked me "Are you happy?". I was going through a hard period during that time. I only go on because of that and because I have a family that loves me... Why am I sharing all of this? It is just to show you that life is unpredictable and you don't always get a last chance. Make sure you express what you feel because death doesn't discriminate - the young, the beautiful, the brilliant- death strikes us all at different times during our short journey on this planet. As long as someone is alive - there is a chance to form a relationship (under certain circumstances of course). So Mark, don't become me. Don't wait till it is too late... Perhaps you can invest all your energy into writing up a novel just like Nicholas Sparks. All this love and pain which you have experienced from these 21 years of longing for Sharon can be diverged into constructive projects. Invest all your energy into writing a partially fictionalized account of the relationship you had or could have had...And then - do something crazy- send it to her! Just an idea...I don't know about most women here but I think most would agree with me that such a gesture would really touch me and even if Sharon is married, she can treasure that story for the rest of her life. To know that one has been so appreciated and thought of for 21 YEARS is very special,Mark. I hope you find the woman who feels measure for measure what you have felt for Sharon. It sounds like you are worthy of a beautiful committed relationship in which the woman feels "emotionally married" to you. Life is about risks. A risk entails either getting hurt or getting what you long for. Sometimes, if something or someone is worth it, you have to go for it! Good luck. I hope you have a fairy tale ending.
Author MARK1957 Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Hi Sparklegirl! Thankyou for your reply. Wow! I know you don't mean to downplay my emotions, but there are some things you say that appear to cast doubt about my feelings for Sharon. Lust? Imagined and not the real her? Mind can play tricks? Sorceress? Cast a spell? Level of tricks? Please don't misunderstand. I can't begin to fathom the pain you must feel over losing someone you love so deeply.I absolutely believe that. By the same token, I deeply love Sharon. My feelings are not any less real; not imagined. They are very real too. I've had and have female friends who are very attractive, but don't have feelings of romantic love for them, going back my whole adult life. Sharon didn't do anything to make me fall in love with her. I was definitely not looking. I knew Sharon for about 6 months before I followed up on my feelings. I wanted to try to get to know her. I was so scared of getting hurt because I knew I fell in love with her the day I met her. What is it that's makes me feel "emotionally married" to ONE woman and to fall overwhelmingly in love with her for 21 ongoing years? That's the mystery of love. Love is not analytical. It just happened Sparklegirl. The moment I met her. Her gorgeous smile; her beautiful, pretty eyes;her adorable sounding voice; her incredibly sweet spirit. Everything about her I just can't put into adequate words. I knew I was a goner. It felt/always feels like she's my soulmate as if I've known her my whole life since the day we met. She's in the very center of my soul Sparklegirl. She's everything to me and I'm hopelessly in love. Can you understand? After reading about Michael, I hope you do. It's very touching. You have a very deep love for Michael that you say some called puppy love. You're right-puppy love doesn't last 15 yrs. Real, true love does. Lust (I hate that word-it isn't love) doesn't last 21 ongoing yrs. either. Real,true heartfelt love does, reciprocated or not. It has for me. All men you've met can't measure up to the memories of Michael. It's easier to cling to the memories of that love than the reality of men who are jerks and cause hurt. It's also easier for me to cling to the memories and reality of the tender feeling of love I have for Sharon, in the very core of my soul. I always get tears in my eyes knowing she's not in my life and have a constant, aching and longing in my heart just to hold her. I don't have a reality with other women. I don't want to. Even if another woman could feel measure for measure for me for what I feel for Sharon, I simply can't respond. Life is a risk. I took it in love. It didn't work out. I can only live with the unreciprocated love I have for Sharon. It sustains my life. Otherwise, I'd literally die. I'm in love with Sharon for the rest of my life. I can't get hurt anymore. I'm just numb. Am I becoming like you Sparklegirl? I don't know if I know what that means. Please don't take this the wrong way Sparklegirl, but you sound like a beautiful, caring lady with a very sweet spirit like Sharon. I don't mean at all to compare you with Sharon. I apologize if that's what it sounds like. I just mean that had I met a lady like you more than 21 yrs. ago, who knows? Thank you for talking with me and listening. I appreciate you. I guess you're 30-31; about 20 yrs. younger than me-my age when I fell in love with Sharon. I hope you fall in love with a man who can reciprocate and treat you wonderfully. You deserve it. Feel free to chat anytime. I hope you'll consider me a friend. Bye. Mark.
vesper16 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I don't often post here but I have to say that this (unrequited love) is one of the toughest situations to deal with, it's sad and hopeless yet beautiful all at the same time. I've felt it once, not all that long ago, and didn't handle the situation too well, I think I'm a bit like the OP in that I do tend to put up a shell around myself and find it hard to reciprocate and when I first realised I had feelings for the girl as more than a friend I was freaking scared and even when she broke up with her bf, I was subconsciously holding back because I didn't want to get hurt. I don't know for sure if she felt the same way, a few of the signs were there at various stages during our friendship but I was too hesitant when it came to acting on them. I think Stuart Murdoch of Belle & Sebastian (this is the band for incurable romantics everywhere ) said it best: You're my picture on the wall, You're my vision in the hall, You're the one I'm talking to, When I get in from my work, You are my girl, and you don't even know it, I am living out the life of a poet, I am the jester in the ancient court, And you're the funny little frog in my throat. I don't dare to touch your hand, I don't dare to think of you, In a physical way, And I don't know how you smell, You are the cover of my magazine, You're my fashion tip, a living museum, I'd pay to visit you on rainy Sundays, And maybe tell you all about it, someday. For me, the trick is to recognise that I have the type of personality that makes me more vulnerable to 'unrequited love' - sensitive, shy, thoughtful/introspective, etc etc. I'm not saying to change these things about ourselves as they are part of our nature and form part of our strengths, but I think understanding them is the key to being able to not letting our emotions overwhelm us, because it can be a crippling thing if left unchecked. Carhill -- I had a look at your 'Evolution' journal and you write very eloquently about your experiences! I had a fairly similar childhood though am a fair bit younger (just turned 26) but my socialization is not unlike yours when compared to my peers. I've had a couple of good female friends over the last couple of years which has helped and while I am still pretty much the same person, my thinking is slowly starting to change.
WineCountry Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Not to be the one to be an arse..but MARK, are you in therapy? I think your 'longing' for a woman you barely know is unhealthy. And trust me, you knew her 6 mos... and never dated..so you BARELY knew her. I think your 'longing' for her is more about some deep seeded issues within yourself. You probably suffer from low self esteem. You have barely had any dating relationships with women, and probably are very insecure about the whole thing. You tend to shut yourself off from people a bit, right? You were just ripe to fall for some woman that you hardly know. When people dont have much of a life..dating, friends, etc the people and situations they do come into contact with will be giving much more meaning than it actually should. You fixated on this woman because you did not have a more normal dating history, and did not meet and date and go through the normal rituals with different women. This makes you get wrapped up quickly with the first woman that makes your heart go pitter patter. I would bet good money that if you had more experience with women, and actually dated a lot more, you would not have had such an infatuation for this woman for so long. You might have been infatuated, but certainly not for 21 darn years!! This is just my opinion on all of this. You have made this woman into something that she probably is not. Seek help. Try to improve your self esteem and attitude. Edit..I actually see that you WERE in therapy and it did not help, you say. Try again. Maybe you need a different therapist, different approach, etc. What you are doing is NOT healthy. You have locked your heart away to a woman you barely know and dont even have a desire to date others because of her?? That's not normal. Sorry.
Montclair0011 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 Mark - As one who has spent a large percentage of my life involved in unrequited love situations, I can emphasize to a point. But in the end I have to agree with WineCountry. You need a good shrink, yesterday. And maybe medication too. 21 years is too long to be pining away for someone you hardly knew. I once pinned away for 2+ years over a guy who treated me like crap and who I only slept with once. I started writing a book based on this relationship. I had no life. I was pathetic. That's just one example from my experiences. Now that I'm 50+ I'm hoping to be beyond this, although naturally I am currently pinning away for someone (complicated story) who at least, I believe, loves me back even if we can't be together. Progress is made. But I have a shrink and I'm actively dealing with this issue and others and you should be too. I'd also encourage you to look Sharon up and "face the music" I have kept in touch or reunited with several of my UL's and have found it an insightful and sometimes healing experience. I even think of some of them as friends now, and truthfully don't want them back romantically. I'm now eternally grateful to at least two of them for dumping me because I know my life with them would have been hell. You might come to the same conclusion if you find Sharon.
Author MARK1957 Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 You have NO IDEA how I feel. You sound like a cold, uncaring, shallow person who has never experienced hurt. I don't know that of course, but I wouldn't presume to dump on someone like you have. There are a lot of men and women in this world who hurt immensely over unreturned love and may use a forum like this to try to alleviate some of that hurt by talking about it. It may not be "normal", but it's how they feel. Their experiences may hurt so much and last a LONG time or perhaps,what is for the rest of their life, like me. I acknowledge it's not "normal". But, I genuinely fell in love with the most beautiful, sweetest girl I ever met named Sharon (regardless of what you or anyone else believes) and in my heart, have never been able to let that go no matter how much time has gone by. Again, not "normal" intellectually, but it happened. Love does not have to be reciprocated for it to genuinely be felt.( you obviously disagree, but I'm not going to argue) It's the only time in my life this has happened to me. Honest. Other people have responded to me by saying they hope I have a fairy tale ending. I know that won't happen. I've never thought it would. I'm not clueless or stupid WineCountry. I've asked other women out before meeting Sharon ,as indicated in other threads. Some said yes. Some no. Regardless of how it ended, I was able to go on. No problem. A little hurt-yes. Disappointed-yes. Felt devastated-no. Why has this happened regarding Sharon? Intellectually, I don't know. In my heart, I fell in love for the first time in my adult life, whether you agree with the legitimacy of that or not. Before meeting Sharon I didn't fall in love. It's that simple. Why can't I let go after all this time? Again, intellectually I don't know. As another girl responded in an earlier thread-though her experience was far different than mine- she would rather have the memories of her feelings than the reality of trying other relationships causing hurt and rejection. Me- I'd rather have the permanent feelings of love I feel for Sharon than the reality of even trying to ask out other women it's impossible for me to feel that way about. You think that's utterly sad-so be it. You think I don't legitimately feel what I feel-so be it. In my heart I'd rather have the love I overwhelmingly feel for Sharon-even unreciprocated. It's better than what I see in the world-infidelity, divorce-men and women who say they're in love ,but many aren't. I do have a history of long, happy family marriages and no divorce-25+yrs. and 40-50+yrs. So family history has nothing to do with how I feel. I simply,for the first and only time in my life, fell genuinely,deeply in love at almost 31 yrs. old. Though initially,she happily responded yes, overwhelmingly, sadly my feelings were not reciprocated. I've hurt for a LONG time and can't let go. Not normal intellectually-I guess so. In love with Sharon for the rest of my life-Yes. Even if you don't think so. Please though, don't criticise me harshly. I hurt enough as it is. Respectfully, Mark.
Sparklegirl100 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I think Stuart Murdoch of Belle & Sebastian (this is the band for incurable romantics everywhere ) said it best: You're my picture on the wall, You're my vision in the hall, You're the one I'm talking to, When I get in from my work, You are my girl, and you don't even know it, I am living out the life of a poet, I am the jester in the ancient court, And you're the funny little frog in my throat. I don't dare to touch your hand, I don't dare to think of you, In a physical way, And I don't know how you smell, You are the cover of my magazine, You're my fashion tip, a living museum, I'd pay to visit you on rainy Sundays, And maybe tell you all about it, someday. These lyrics ring SO true! At least I can never feel regret for not having expressed love because I always expressed what I felt in my unique way. It just seems like my timing was always wrong. However, I get the impression that some guys hold back with me and could probably identify with these lyrics. I usually find out through a third party that a certain man has strong feelings for me. Why are people so scared of being direct and risking rejection? If you are rejected once, why not try again? Why do people give up so easily for things or people that are so dear to them? I should eat my own words because lately, I don't even try anymore. Friends really question why I hold back and tell me how I should be dating left and right because of my age and looks. I might be wasting part of my youth away by inaction. I guess I just lost complete interest...unless I met a guy who was adamant about me and felt for me as MARK1957 does for Sharon. I just have high doubts about any such genuine feelings lasting over an entire lifetime. I seem to be more and more comfortable with the concept of living alone for the rest of my days. It looks like I have retired from the dating scene.
Sparklegirl100 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Hi Sparklegirl! Thankyou for your reply. Wow! I know you don't mean to downplay my emotions, but there are some things you say that appear to cast doubt about my feelings for Sharon. Lust? Imagined and not the real her? Mind can play tricks? Sorceress? Cast a spell? Level of tricks? Please don't misunderstand. I can't begin to fathom the pain you must feel over losing someone you love so deeply.I absolutely believe that. By the same token, I deeply love Sharon. My feelings are not any less real; not imagined. They are very real too. I've had and have female friends who are very attractive, but don't have feelings of romantic love for them, going back my whole adult life. Sharon didn't do anything to make me fall in love with her. I was definitely not looking. I knew Sharon for about 6 months before I followed up on my feelings. I wanted to try to get to know her. I was so scared of getting hurt because I knew I fell in love with her the day I met her. What is it that's makes me feel "emotionally married" to ONE woman and to fall overwhelmingly in love with her for 21 ongoing years? That's the mystery of love. Love is not analytical. It just happened Sparklegirl. The moment I met her. Her gorgeous smile; her beautiful, pretty eyes;her adorable sounding voice; her incredibly sweet spirit. Everything about her I just can't put into adequate words. I knew I was a goner. It felt/always feels like she's my soulmate as if I've known her my whole life since the day we met. She's in the very center of my soul Sparklegirl. She's everything to me and I'm hopelessly in love. Can you understand? After reading about Michael, I hope you do. It's very touching. You have a very deep love for Michael that you say some called puppy love. You're right-puppy love doesn't last 15 yrs. Real, true love does. Lust (I hate that word-it isn't love) doesn't last 21 ongoing yrs. either. Real,true heartfelt love does, reciprocated or not. It has for me. All men you've met can't measure up to the memories of Michael. It's easier to cling to the memories of that love than the reality of men who are jerks and cause hurt. It's also easier for me to cling to the memories and reality of the tender feeling of love I have for Sharon, in the very core of my soul. I always get tears in my eyes knowing she's not in my life and have a constant, aching and longing in my heart just to hold her. I don't have a reality with other women. I don't want to. Even if another woman could feel measure for measure for me for what I feel for Sharon, I simply can't respond. Life is a risk. I took it in love. It didn't work out. I can only live with the unreciprocated love I have for Sharon. It sustains my life. Otherwise, I'd literally die. I'm in love with Sharon for the rest of my life. I can't get hurt anymore. I'm just numb. Am I becoming like you Sparklegirl? I don't know if I know what that means. Please don't take this the wrong way Sparklegirl, but you sound like a beautiful, caring lady with a very sweet spirit like Sharon. I don't mean at all to compare you with Sharon. I apologize if that's what it sounds like. I just mean that had I met a lady like you more than 21 yrs. ago, who knows? Thank you for talking with me and listening. I appreciate you. I guess you're 30-31; about 20 yrs. younger than me-my age when I fell in love with Sharon. I hope you fall in love with a man who can reciprocate and treat you wonderfully. You deserve it. Feel free to chat anytime. I hope you'll consider me a friend. Bye. Mark. WineCountry You have NO IDEA how I feel. You sound like a cold, uncaring, shallow person who has never experienced hurt. I don't know that of course, but I wouldn't presume to dump on someone like you have. There are a lot of men and women in this world who hurt immensely over unreturned love and may use a forum like this to try to alleviate some of that hurt by talking about it. It may not be "normal", but it's how they feel. Their experiences may hurt so much and last a LONG time or perhaps,what is for the rest of their life, like me. I acknowledge it's not "normal". But, I genuinely fell in love with the most beautiful, sweetest girl I ever met named Sharon (regardless of what you or anyone else believes) and in my heart, have never been able to let that go no matter how much time has gone by. Again, not "normal" intellectually, but it happened. Love does not have to be reciprocated for it to genuinely be felt.( you obviously disagree, but I'm not going to argue) It's the only time in my life this has happened to me. Honest. Other people have responded to me by saying they hope I have a fairy tale ending. I know that won't happen. I've never thought it would. I'm not clueless or stupid WineCountry. I've asked other women out before meeting Sharon ,as indicated in other threads. Some said yes. Some no. Regardless of how it ended, I was able to go on. No problem. A little hurt-yes. Disappointed-yes. Felt devastated-no. Why has this happened regarding Sharon? Intellectually, I don't know. In my heart, I fell in love for the first time in my adult life, whether you agree with the legitimacy of that or not. Before meeting Sharon I didn't fall in love. It's that simple. Why can't I let go after all this time? Again, intellectually I don't know. As another girl responded in an earlier thread-though her experience was far different than mine- she would rather have the memories of her feelings than the reality of trying other relationships causing hurt and rejection. Me- I'd rather have the permanent feelings of love I feel for Sharon than the reality of even trying to ask out other women it's impossible for me to feel that way about. You think that's utterly sad-so be it. You think I don't legitimately feel what I feel-so be it. In my heart I'd rather have the love I overwhelmingly feel for Sharon-even unreciprocated. It's better than what I see in the world-infidelity, divorce-men and women who say they're in love ,but many aren't. I do have a history of long, happy family marriages and no divorce-25+yrs. and 40-50+yrs. So family history has nothing to do with how I feel. I simply,for the first and only time in my life, fell genuinely,deeply in love at almost 31 yrs. old. Though initially,she happily responded yes, overwhelmingly, sadly my feelings were not reciprocated. I've hurt for a LONG time and can't let go. Not normal intellectually-I guess so. In love with Sharon for the rest of my life-Yes. Even if you don't think so. Please though, don't criticise me harshly. I hurt enough as it is. Respectfully, Mark I was telling you not to be like me in regards to delaying to declare your deep love for Sharon - don't wait till it is too late (ie.Sharon being very ill or dead). Don't become like me - visiting grave sites,mourning lost opportunities and regretting all the time I lost. I know my state of mind is not healthy and am slowly crawling out of that phase. I want to spare others from feeling as terribly as I felt. I sort of agree with what the other posters have to say, Mark. It might be a good idea to talk to a counselor of some sort. I really get the impression that you are in love with an image you have fabricated. You are very brief about the reasons why you love Sharon - she has a sweet spirit , has a nice smile, has nice eyes and an adorable sounding voice. Over how much time did you know her (other than those first 6 months)? How many times did you talk to her? How much do you REALLY know about her? Mark, the more women you meet, the higher the probability that you will meet a woman as special as Sharon. Believe it or not, there is more than one "soul mate" out there. What does "soul mate" mean to you? If you consider a relationship with Sharon impossible and not meant to be, you need to move on since you have clearly given up on her. You are 51 - do you really want to grow old alone? You expressed a desire to chat with me and am open to it. I hope I could serve as a counselor of sorts. There is something about you which reminds me of how I feel about Micheal.
Meaplus3 Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 Hi Mark. Let me tell you a little story here. I once not long ago fell deeply in love with a man that I knew for about 8 months or so we had never meet. Still, I could not help the way I felt about him. He had something very special that I just could not put my finger on. Well one day he vanished on me. Gone from my life as quick as he entered it. That was 16 months ago and not a day has passed that I had not been thinking of him. Just the other day, I took a shot in the dark and sent him a message. He replied back. He's now married. As happy as I am for him I was in shock... and I guess that deep down I did not really want to hear that. Anway, We are now friends again and I'm cool with it because I had moved on. Now, how are you going to feel if you contact her and find out she is married? Will it make things worse for you? Just think about that. I do feel for you. Mea:)
Author MARK1957 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 Hi Sparklegirl! It's so nice to hear from you again. There are many things you say in your reply that make so much sense. I won't go on and on in this post like I previously have. I just want to touch on a few things for now and would like to talk some more later on. OK? It feels very comfortable talking to you. I can understand when you say that maybe my feelings for Sharon are a fabrication of an image in my mind. Ouch! Intellectually, I know that the intense depth of those feelings all this time make no sense, but emotionally and in my heart, it's so hard to let go, even after last seeing her about 19 years ago. There are so many times I think I'm going to go insane. What I honestly feel is a very tender,sweet romantic love that permeates my whole self. Why can't I give that to a woman who will accept that? Maybe I was too direct. I did tell Sharon how I feel in a letter after 6-7 months or so but... I was so scared of getting hurt Sparklegirl. I'll talk more about this next time. You mentioned this topic about men being direct or should I say indirect. Maybe most women are too scared to accept those feelings expressed by a guy from his heart. Or maybe my nature is just too romantic and women don't like that. Or maybe I can only love too much. I don't know.I'm rambling and thinking out loud. Sorry about that. You talk about things like men expressing their feelings more directly and thinking there are no men who can do this-unless it's somone like me who expresses his feelings so adamantly for Sharon. Thank you Sparklegirl. You are very nice and sweet to say that. I'd like to talk more about these things in future posts if I could. It sounds like we have some things in common, at least as it relates to unreleased feelings regarding relationships, whether fulfilled or reciprocated or not, despite our age difference.(About 20yrs.? I've been told many times I have a young face and look 5-7 yrs. younger than I am-honestly. I don't know-but that's another story-ha! ha!) Certainly our specific experiences are very different, and if you'd like to talk to me more about yours, I'm a good listener, and will try to answer as best and honestly as I can if invited to do so. I'd like to be there as a friend for you. I guess I better go now. It's getting a little late here. Again-thank you. I wish I could have met a woman like you sometime in my past. I'm at least starting to think maybe it"s not too late. I apologize if that's too personal. Bye for now Sparklegirl. Mark.
Sparklegirl100 Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Hi Sparklegirl! It's so nice to hear from you again. There are many things you say in your reply that make so much sense. I won't go on and on in this post like I previously have. I just want to touch on a few things for now and would like to talk some more later on. OK? It feels very comfortable talking to you. I can understand when you say that maybe my feelings for Sharon are a fabrication of an image in my mind. Ouch! Intellectually, I know that the intense depth of those feelings all this time make no sense, but emotionally and in my heart, it's so hard to let go, even after last seeing her about 19 years ago. There are so many times I think I'm going to go insane. What I honestly feel is a very tender,sweet romantic love that permeates my whole self. Why can't I give that to a woman who will accept that? Maybe I was too direct. I did tell Sharon how I feel in a letter after 6-7 months or so but... I was so scared of getting hurt Sparklegirl. I'll talk more about this next time. You mentioned this topic about men being direct or should I say indirect. Maybe most women are too scared to accept those feelings expressed by a guy from his heart. Or maybe my nature is just too romantic and women don't like that. Or maybe I can only love too much. I don't know.I'm rambling and thinking out loud. Sorry about that. You talk about things like men expressing their feelings more directly and thinking there are no men who can do this-unless it's somone like me who expresses his feelings so adamantly for Sharon. Thank you Sparklegirl. You are very nice and sweet to say that. I'd like to talk more about these things in future posts if I could. It sounds like we have some things in common, at least as it relates to unreleased feelings regarding relationships, whether fulfilled or reciprocated or not, despite our age difference.(About 20yrs.? I've been told many times I have a young face and look 5-7 yrs. younger than I am-honestly. I don't know-but that's another story-ha! ha!) Certainly our specific experiences are very different, and if you'd like to talk to me more about yours, I'm a good listener, and will try to answer as best and honestly as I can if invited to do so. I'd like to be there as a friend for you. I guess I better go now. It's getting a little late here. Again-thank you. I wish I could have met a woman like you sometime in my past. I'm at least starting to think maybe it"s not too late. I apologize if that's too personal. Bye for now Sparklegirl. Mark. Yes, letting go is hard and it can make one go insane! I've had that experience with someone else in my past (not Micheal) a few years ago. I loved Micheal in the way a gardener loves their garden but I loved this man in the same way that a child loves playing with fire. Playing with matches only got me burnt but I still feel tempted to light fires. Sometimes, when I light up a sulphur stick, I have visions of faces I used to know and love... Yes, some women can be a bit intimidated if a man comes on too strong- including myself- because we are scared of being hurt and perhaps are a bit guarded about our feelings. I'm afraid of feeling too much and investing myself into someone because it is almost like giving someone the power over me and I don't like to lose control. I think anyone reading these posts must think we are crazy LOL Crazy people rule and change the world Since we are not frequent users of this website, we don't have the right to PM yet, so you can contact me at forevertaurus at hotmail I gotta run and meet a friend now. Have a nice weekend, Mark.
Author MARK1957 Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 I guess most people go through rejection and the resulting hurt sometime in their life. My experience probably seems extreme to say the least, but it did happen and I wanted to write my feelings down to try and help alleviate the hurt, if possible. As I've responded many times, intellectually, I don't understand it , but emotionally and from the heart my feelings have been all so real and unrelenting. It is probably my emotional makeup that made me so susceptible-being an incureable romantic; sensitive, somewhat shy; very caring; introspective, and, in general, wanting to be selfless and completely giving of myself to a woman I completely fell in love with- any woman I would fall in love with. It's just the way I am. Talking on this forum does help me to gain some perspective though. The responses I've mostly received from women have been very caring and thoughtful, especially one lady. As far as trying to contact Sharon, that' s not something I will do. She's likely married-though I don't know at all and have no idea where she is and it's better that way. Emotionally, it would not make things better and I've got to move on somehow. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. Mark.
LovesHangover Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 You are amazingly brave for sharing your story. It is very important that you release this by letting it out. I have been on LS for months and never shared about my 15 year undying love for my first love. I ended the relationship knowing that I would love him for the rest of my life when I found out about him and my best friend. Talk about illogical. I have been in other relationships. Never came close to love again. You are not alone. What is normal? You are amazing for being authentic even if no one else understands. Always speak your truth. You are an inspiration.
Author MARK1957 Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 Thank you for such kind words. I spoke with what has been on my heart for so long now over Sharon, so that I could try to release at least some of the pain. I think it helps to some degree, but only time will tell. (good grief, there's been so much time already:)-oh well) You point out that I am not alone. That thought and kind words from you and others keep me from going insane and give me hope, although, as I mentioned to a very nice lady who also responds to me, it's so hard to feel that I'm not going insane much of the time. Like you feel about loving him for the rest of your life, I know and feel strongly that I will love Sharon for the rest of my life, regardless of what normal is. I realize this is an illogical thing to say in most people's minds, but who knows? What is normal? Intellect is one thing but the heart is completely different. Speaking as a man, if only it was that easy to have feelings of tender,caring, romantic love reciprocated by the woman-and of course the man for the woman. Isn't life grand? Again, thank you. Mark.
Calins Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Get a grip, move on and grow up! 21 years? She's obviously over you.... Don't let a fantasy (because that's what it is) ruin the rest of your life. C
LovesHangover Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Get a grip, move on and grow up! 21 years? She's obviously over you.... Don't let a fantasy (because that's what it is) ruin the rest of your life. C Mark is attempting to work through something painful by acknowledging and sharing. The first steps to healing and moving on. Just because you have a faster process, does not give you the right to insult the man's maturity. I think that you need to grow up. Love is not logical and he has the right and privilege to be authentically self expressed.
Author MARK1957 Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 I was going to reply to the other person but I won't. It's not worth wasting the space on the computer screen. Thank you so much. You said it all. You're obviously a very caring woman who some guy will be very lucky to meet someday. Your support is very appreciated. Thank you again LovesHangover. Mark.
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