moving_forward Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 My bf broke up with me today. I know this looks long, but please read on. It would mean a lot to me. I am writing this because it's the only thing I can do. I barely have the energy to type out these words. At this moment I feel like killing myself. I am hoping someone out there will read this and make me feel I have something to live for, and give me the strength to not beg for him to take me back. The way he ended it characterized his cruel behavior through most of our relationship. We were together for 3 years. Last night we had a fine evening except I was very depressed about something that had happened to me earlier at work. I told him that I was feeling sad and would just like to relax with him at my place. I asked him to be there for me that night. When we arrived, he didn't immediately leave the car. He was fiddling with something on his phone. I waited in the house. A few minutes later, I received a text message from him that said he had left and just wanted to be alone. I called him up, and I started crying because I was so hurt that he just left me there given that he had promised to be with me that night. He said sorry and hung up on me. Today I called him a few times and he didn't pick up his phone. Finally I got a text message from him tonight that said "I think we should break up." We've been together for three years and he sends me a text message that he wants me out of his life. I called him and he didn't answer. Finally, got through to him by calling his parent's house's landline (he's staying with them for a few days). But he hung up on me again after saying "I don't want to talk." I let out this primal sound of agony and pain, and basically begged him not to hang up, but he said nothing and I heard the phone click. Finally, spoke with him again tonight and he agreed to see me briefly tomorrow to give me my stuff. I kept my cool for most of the conversation and then lost it at the very end. Started crying and told him I love him. He was unresponsive, very cold. Hung up on me. Guys, the thing is he's being doing this kind of thing to me for two years, and I can't seem to end it for good. This is the most sudden (and therefore gut-wrenching) it's ever been, but it goes through a predictable cycle. Things will be going well for a time, then he'll freak out about something minor and suddenly dump me with little provocation. Every time I manage to beg him to take me back. I feel like I'm trapped in my own personal hell. I've cried so much my face has acquired ugly lines around my mouth and eyes. The problem is I can't see a way out. All I see is desolation beyond. Yes, my relationship with him is horrible, but the alternative is inner death. I've only had three serious relationships in my life and kissed a handful of guys. A man hasn't flirted with me in two years. While I'm not ugly, I'm not remarkably attractive either and don't have the most charming personality. I'm nice, but people see me as boring and awkward. If I lose him, I'm pretty sure that's it for me. He was as close as I ever got to glimpsing normalcy. We spoke of marriage in better times. He may be screwed up, but he was sadly the least screwed up of the three I dated. Obviously beggars can't be choosers, and the only men who've ever shown interest in me have been low-hanging fruit. If not him, there won't be anyone else. I know everybody feels that way when they break-up with somebody they care about. But for me it's closer to the truth. Those people usually are somewhat attractive or sociable or they have dated more than two or three people in their adult lives. Without him I have nobody, and I mean that quite literally. I have no friends, no family (except for a distant father I rarely speak to), and no men who give me the time of day. I am entirely empty. I just can't go on, guys. When I am alone, every minor task becomes insurmountable. My emotions constantly boil over and take away my energy. There is no joy left in life. I am so alone.
pandagirl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Sweetie, I'm so sorry you feel so bad. If are you really feeling suicidal, please stop reading this RIGHT now and find someone to talk to or call a hotline. I know how it feels like you have no self-worth. But do you know why you have none? It's because this boyfriend of yours has sucked it away. He sounds horrible, insensitive and treated you cruelly. No one deserves to be treated that way. Also, I'm SURE you are an attractive, desirable women, but also -- a man's attention does not make a person whole. YOU make yourself happy. I know it doesn't seem like it know, but you are better off without this loser. He obviously did not make you happy; he just made you dependent.
kimbop Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 What he did to you is just downright cruel. He was not your boyfriend. Heck he was not even a friend to you. He was a big bag of flaming dog crap. I got my "it's not going to work for us" text a few days ago, and my douchey ex would not see or call me to do/say that to my face. But it's ok because I recognize as well as you already seemed to know that our exes were horrible people. Don't feel alone and desperate. Because you are not the only who has felt betrayed and deeply hurt. I think that's why we are here checking this site incessantly for insightful advice and encouragement. You have to understand that it's ok to be alone. It seems that your self esteem is in ruins right now, and you feel like there's no one out there for you. It's just a temporary mindset because of your broken heart. You can't wallow in this destructive mindset. Please get some help through counseling. At least keep venting through this site because people are here to help you. You can be strong and confident. No one can help you achieve this but yourself.
Author moving_forward Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 What he did to you is just downright cruel. He was not your boyfriend. Heck he was not even a friend to you. He was a big bag of flaming dog crap. I got my "it's not going to work for us" text a few days ago, and my douchey ex would not see or call me to do/say that to my face. But it's ok because I recognize as well as you already seemed to know that our exes were horrible people. Don't feel alone and desperate. Because you are not the only who has felt betrayed and deeply hurt. I think that's why we are here checking this site incessantly for insightful advice and encouragement. You have to understand that it's ok to be alone. It seems that your self esteem is in ruins right now, and you feel like there's no one out there for you. It's just a temporary mindset because of your broken heart. You can't wallow in this destructive mindset. Please get some help through counseling. At least keep venting through this site because people are here to help you. You can be strong and confident. No one can help you achieve this but yourself. Thank you for your response. I can't believe your ex ended it the same way with you. Even though I feel horrible for the pain you must also be feeling, it's consoling to know somebody else is going through something similar. Just hearing another voice out there makes me feel so much better. I still firmly believe that the rest of my life will be hopeless for hereon, but I hope that feeling passes.
Author moving_forward Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Sweetie, I'm so sorry you feel so bad. If are you really feeling suicidal, please stop reading this RIGHT now and find someone to talk to or call a hotline. I know how it feels like you have no self-worth. But do you know why you have none? It's because this boyfriend of yours has sucked it away. He sounds horrible, insensitive and treated you cruelly. No one deserves to be treated that way. Also, I'm SURE you are an attractive, desirable women, but also -- a man's attention does not make a person whole. YOU make yourself happy. I know it doesn't seem like it know, but you are better off without this loser. He obviously did not make you happy; he just made you dependent. You're right. He did suck away my self esteem, and yet remarkably I still feel like I want more. I guess the instability of our relationship seems preferable to the bleakness I see beyond.
kimbop Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 He was like your drug that you knew was bad for you but you kept going back. Stop this insanity! I drank like a ton of vodka and gorged on some ice cream. And this week I'm strengthening my resolve to diet and go to the gym like crazy. I swear the best thing you can do right now is work on the outer you because your inner you will take more time to uplift and it's always a faster process if you look great when working on your self esteem. Honey, you are seriously not destined to be celibate or alone by force or because you won't have an option. I was contemplating the nunnery for a split second myself. And it's ridiculous. There's more to life then just wallowing in self pity. Sure you should do things to numb the pain a bit at first, but you need to face the pain eventually. Heck, you know what I did back when I felt depressed and alone? I put an ad on Craigslist for a penpal for another city in another country to prohibit any stalking and preventing myself from meeting any weirdos. There are many lonely people in the world, and just recognizing that you are not alone with your thoughts and emotions makes one feel a heck a lot better. Plus the penpal thing in another country allows you to explore another culture and mind processes.
moo Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Hey there moving forward, I hope your feeling better. Hmmmm, your name...moving forward, you chose that name for yourself. That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to give up on life. That names sounds like someone who plans on getting herself together. I did not have many dates in high school until I was a senior. Men thought I was very attractive. But Boys and some girls in high school thought I was unattractive and teased me every day and humilitated me and embarassed me every day. Most of my life I have not had a lot of dates. Some think I'm too tall. AT this point in my life, many think I am too heavy. I am very heavy, but I am working on it. I have an overbite...some men think it's cute...many people compliment me on my smile, but again, there are many that think I am unattractive and make their feelings known to others right in front of my face. For most of my life, I have been alone. I hated being alone. So when I had boyfriends that treated me like crap, I accepted it. I came up with different reasons, like I was trying to accept them for who they were because I was not perfect either, etc. My most recent ex (funny, I made a mistake and wrote my current boyfriend. I had to correct that) is very thin and athletic. He is also very good looking. This man absolutely loved my body. He thought I was soooo attractive. He was so nice and sexy, I really thought I had hit it big. He had a lot of problems in his life and his life was very chaotic. The realtionship was all about him (his health problems, his son, his hobby, his activities, his car problems, etc., etc., etc.), he barely fit me in. I saw him less than once a month but we talked on the phone. I asked him to put more effort in the relationship and he gave me a bunch of excuses. I carried almost the entire relationship. I made excuses for him time and time again. I gave him presents, he gave me none..nothing in a year's time. He stood me up time and time again. He put almost no effort into the relationship and threw another woman in my face that liked him. STill, I made excuses and told myself I was in the best relationship of my life. (Sorry for the repeat, as so many of you know this part, but I want to share this with her.) He left me...cruelly, brutally after I waited a year for him to get himself together, accepting the crumbs he gave me. He started seeing someone else. I thought he was still my boyfriend. I did not know. As I told others, the pain was so bad, I could not walk on my own. I felt like I was dying. I never felt pain like that in my life and I felt that my life was over. I felt that I could not live without him. Cried all the time, laid in the bed all the time, binging, I was in my own private hell. But I started to pick myself up. My roommate was really there for me. I called the depression hotline many times, got back into therapy, got some pen pals and e-pals from all over the world (Sweden- Northern part, near the Artic Circle, Sweden, in the Southern part of the country, the Phillipines, Hawaii, Madagascar, and the United States: Conneticut, Ohio, Alabama. I got a hobby, started working on my thesis again, am looking for a job, and tomorrow I start walking seriously to lose weight, took a TB test so I can do volunteer work in a nursing home, and more. I stayed with some of these selfish men because I felt inside that I just didn't want to be alone. But I never tried to have a relationship with myself until now. When my most recent ex left, I did not go on dating sites looking for boyfriends. I went one or twice to make friends and explained I wasn't ready to date, but then I decided that I shouldn't be on those sites at all until I am MUCH more healed. This time, I want to do it right. He left me in May, 10 days before my birthday. I want to have a relationship with me and get my life together. I know things look really dark now, but we will help you get back on track. We are rooting for you!!
lorilynne Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 First of all Moving Forward, you are NOT alone. We are all here for you. I understand your pain and have felt just like you. My ex toyed with me for three years in a similar way to yours. You've got to work on your self esteem. You sound like an extremely eloquent person and someone can't sound this wonderful without really being wonderful. I know what you feel like about crying so much. I cried so much this week, I ended up with an eye infection...gross! You're eyes are probably puffy and you haven't combed your hair. But let's do this...it's too late for tonight but tomorrow morning, wake up, shower, put on make-up, fix your hair & put on a cute dress. No more crying tonight so that your eyes don't get puffier. If you don't work go to the coffee shop or bookstore and hang out or read. You just gotta get out. Also call and schedule an appointment with a therapist or psychologist. Tell them you need to see him/her soon. You sound like a fabulous person and I will be looking for future posts from you. So please let me know how you are.
Author moving_forward Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Hey there moving forward, I hope your feeling better. Hmmmm, your name...moving forward, you chose that name for yourself. That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to give up on life. That names sounds like someone who plans on getting herself together. I did not have many dates in high school until I was a senior. Men thought I was very attractive. But Boys and some girls in high school thought I was unattractive and teased me every day and humilitated me and embarassed me every day. Most of my life I have not had a lot of dates. Some think I'm too tall. AT this point in my life, many think I am too heavy. I am very heavy, but I am working on it. I have an overbite...some men think it's cute...many people compliment me on my smile, but again, there are many that think I am unattractive and make their feelings known to others right in front of my face. For most of my life, I have been alone. I hated being alone. So when I had boyfriends that treated me like crap, I accepted it. I came up with different reasons, like I was trying to accept them for who they were because I was not perfect either, etc. My most recent ex (funny, I made a mistake and wrote my current boyfriend. I had to correct that) is very thin and athletic. He is also very good looking. This man absolutely loved my body. He thought I was soooo attractive. He was so nice and sexy, I really thought I had hit it big. He had a lot of problems in his life and his life was very chaotic. The realtionship was all about him (his health problems, his son, his hobby, his activities, his car problems, etc., etc., etc.), he barely fit me in. I saw him less than once a month but we talked on the phone. I asked him to put more effort in the relationship and he gave me a bunch of excuses. I carried almost the entire relationship. I made excuses for him time and time again. I gave him presents, he gave me none..nothing in a year's time. He stood me up time and time again. He put almost no effort into the relationship and threw another woman in my face that liked him. STill, I made excuses and told myself I was in the best relationship of my life. (Sorry for the repeat, as so many of you know this part, but I want to share this with her.) He left me...cruelly, brutally after I waited a year for him to get himself together, accepting the crumbs he gave me. He started seeing someone else. I thought he was still my boyfriend. I did not know. As I told others, the pain was so bad, I could not walk on my own. I felt like I was dying. I never felt pain like that in my life and I felt that my life was over. I felt that I could not live without him. Cried all the time, laid in the bed all the time, binging, I was in my own private hell. But I started to pick myself up. My roommate was really there for me. I called the depression hotline many times, got back into therapy, got some pen pals and e-pals from all over the world (Sweden- Northern part, near the Artic Circle, Sweden, in the Southern part of the country, the Phillipines, Hawaii, Madagascar, and the United States: Conneticut, Ohio, Alabama. I got a hobby, started working on my thesis again, am looking for a job, and tomorrow I start walking seriously to lose weight, took a TB test so I can do volunteer work in a nursing home, and more. I stayed with some of these selfish men because I felt inside that I just didn't want to be alone. But I never tried to have a relationship with myself until now. When my most recent ex left, I did not go on dating sites looking for boyfriends. I went one or twice to make friends and explained I wasn't ready to date, but then I decided that I shouldn't be on those sites at all until I am MUCH more healed. This time, I want to do it right. He left me in May, 10 days before my birthday. I want to have a relationship with me and get my life together. I know things look really dark now, but we will help you get back on track. We are rooting for you!! Moo, thank you so much for this thoughtful post. I just wanted to let you know that you have really inspired me. It makes me feel so much better to know that somebody else pulled themselves out of the depths that I am now in. I admire how proactive you were about getting help and getting better. I think I will borrow a few your ideas -- including the pen-palling and the volunteering. It's also heartening to know that everybody who has responded to this thread cared enough to take a few minutes of their night to help another stranger. That really, really means a lot to me guys, so thank you. I'm glad to know I have your support, and I'll be around as I go through this journey with you. I'm feeling a bit better now. Still miserable, but not in the suicidal place I was a few hours ago. I know I'll probably return to that place, maybe even many times, through this process. But hopefully I can get through it.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I'll tell you what should inspire you. So many people here (including me) were too weak at the beginning of a break up to accept it. Many of us (once again including me) didn't cry. We didn't face the pain, we ran. We ran, and for months, passive aggressiveness and repressed anger itself grew within us. We were too weak, and when it finally caught up to us, like it does to everyone, we are faced with the longest road. You have had the strength, the grasp on reality, the intelligence to face it right off the bat. You're crying, you're in pain, you're screaming. This is so good, you have no idea. It hurts like your heart had a bomb in it that detonated, shrapnel and all now filling your chest, cutting you in every way... and your brain is also full of memories that mimic shards of glass, loose in your skull. But this is the best way, the way you are taking this. It is not in vain. You are truly special for facing this off the bat. You must be proud of yourself for that. You are sane, you are normal, and you'll get through this better than many. You aren't alone, and never will be
Author moving_forward Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 I'm exhausted and about to hit the sack, but I just wanted to give a huge thank you to everyone who has responded. You have no idea how much you've helped me feel less alone tonight. I can say with confidence that you all have beautiful hearts, or you wouldn't care.
SRTtoZ Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Its sad to see why people let someone like a GUY make them feel like they should'nt live anymore... Maybe the co-dependency is the reason why hes leaving...I'm sure its not easy for him and he has his reasons...Not that he went about it the right way but just give it time...He may just need his space right now.
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Fear of being alone is probably the #1 reason for women to stay in crappy relationships, or stay in relationships WAY past their due date. Maybe you should go see a therapist, this is not healthy. You will not get better by simply attaching yourself to the next 'low-hanging fruit'.
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Hey there moving forward, I hope your feeling better. Hmmmm, your name...moving forward, you chose that name for yourself. That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to give up on life. That names sounds like someone who plans on getting herself together. Moo, I'm quite amazed how you manage to find the positive in everything. For most of my life, I have been alone. I hated being alone. So when I had boyfriends that treated me like crap, I accepted it. I came up with different reasons, like I was trying to accept them for who they were because I was not perfect either, etc. I stayed with some of these selfish men because I felt inside that I just didn't want to be alone. Indeed, women with low self-esteem and this fear of being alone are the perfect target for 'evil' men (like me.?) You'd be surprised how many women are like that... But I never tried to have a relationship with myself until now. When my most recent ex left, I did not go on dating sites looking for boyfriends. I went one or twice to make friends and explained I wasn't ready to date, but then I decided that I shouldn't be on those sites at all until I am MUCH more healed. This time, I want to do it right. He left me in May, 10 days before my birthday. I want to have a relationship with me and get my life together. You want to do it right...are you doing it right?
Thomas X Forever Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 You wear your badge of sociopathy proudly, Utterer. How lovely.
utterer of lies Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 You wear your badge of sociopathy proudly, Utterer. How lovely. Thank you, Mr. Pop-Psychology. Do I also get some DSM-copy-paste, or was that it already? I'm almost disappointed.
moo Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Moo, I'm quite amazed how you manage to find the positive in everything. You want to do it right...are you doing it right? Thank you for the compliment Utterer. Yes, I believe I am doing the relationship thing with myself right, as I am reading self help books and doing therapuetic assignments. I know that you care about the people on this site. Just let the softer side of you shine through. I know it's there.
georgia girl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Moving forward, I just had to respond. IT WILL BE OKAY. I know that loneliness is the most isolating feeling in the world. It feels like every ounce of joy you got in doing every single thing has been sucked away. It does seem insurmountable. I, like many people here, thought I had found the right one and everything you build up around that person - the dreams, interests, etc. - all seem to be shattered when that person moves out of the picture. Here's the good news. You do move on. Sometimes, it's almost against your will and other times, you really have to make an effort at it. But gradually, hours turn into days and days turn into weeks and you find yourself healing. At first, it's only a few minutes that you didn't think about him and your loss. Then, it's a few hours. Finally, it's days. (I haven't made it to days yet, but I'm at hours.) You also begin to realize that all of those other dreams and interests are still that. Yes, you lost a boyfriend, but the most important thing you learn is that you didn't lose "your whole life." This is the rotten time but it gets better and easier with time. Good luck. Everyone is here for you.
Thornton Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 At this moment I feel like killing myself. Please do not kill yourself. No man is worth killing yourself for - you're thinking about a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. You're only considering suicide because you're not thinking straight at present, and when you're feeling better you'll see that suicide would be a mistake. If you're genuinely thinking about suicide, please contact your doctor or another professional who can help and support you. The way he ended it characterized his cruel behavior through most of our relationship. We were together for 3 years. Yes, it sounds like he was very cruel to you throughout your relationship, and exceptionally cruel in the way he ended it. So now you're going to give him the satisfaction of ruining your entire life? I think not! George Herbert said that living well is the best revenge, and that's what you need to do. Even though you're apart, you're continuing to allow him to hurt you, and that is something that needs to stop now. The problem is I can't see a way out. All I see is desolation beyond. Yes, my relationship with him is horrible, but the alternative is inner death. Without him I have nobody, and I mean that quite literally. I have no friends, no family (except for a distant father I rarely speak to), and no men who give me the time of day. OK, so this is the problem we need to work on. You have a bf, and because you have no other friends you rely on him completely, and you can't leave him when the relationship turns sour because he's all you've got. I can't judge you because I've been in that situation myself. I think you need to work on building a life for you as an individual, a life which is not based around a man. You need friends and people in your life who are yours, people who you won't lose if you decide to end a relationship. This will also have the side effect of making you less clingy and less reliant on any man you may date in the future. You really need to think about who you are as an individual, outside of any relationships, and then start working on building your own life and getting to know people who will be in your life regardless of your relationship status. You need to find yourself before you'll have anything to share with a partner. I know it's difficult, but you need to get out and meet people. There are a million things you can do to meet friends - in the past I've gone to dancing classes, evening classes, sports clubs, and even done charity work. All of these things are regular events where you'll meet people with whom you have something in common, and charity work in particular is a good thing to try because the people you meet tend to be kind and open and generous, more so than people you meet on an average day, because only nice people bother to sign up for charity work in the first place
Candigirl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 The saddest thing about losing someone, is that the very person who left you is the only one who can really make you feel better. Except...yourself. I think you really need to learn to really LIKE yourself, be happy, all by yourself, before anyone else will be happy with you. If you have loads of confidence you will have no problem finding another boyfriend. It sounds simple does'nt it? Also when you go looking for love it doesn't happen...just let it happen naturally. Don't go back to him no matter what. Give him back a little of the cruelty he has given you and hold your head high and go do something nice for yourself. And don't ever even consider suicide....all that does is hurt the ones you leave behind who really do love you. This guy doesn't love you. Don't let him hurt you ever again. Go for a walk today and smell the roses. Life can be so beautiful.
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