Cora Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I'm just wondering if the guy I've been posting about on here really wants to be friends now? After I had the talk with him about how much I liked him and how I didn't want it to be all about sex blah blah blah and he said he didn't want to get into anything major until his life was a bit more stable. I figured I really wouldn't hear from him much anymore. He never really said he would still like to be friends at least, but how many people seriously mean that when they say it anyway? When he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, I took it as a blow off, he wasn't interested in me etc.. He still contacts me and I agreed to still talk to him because I do enjoy his company. It's nice to have someone to talk to. The last couple of nights though he has really been opening up to me. We have been having these long 3-4 hour conversations about any and everything. I mean we used to talk before about things, but he hardly ever shared anything personal with me unless I specifically asked. The last couple of nights he has just been telling me all about his family and showing me all these pictures of them. Telling me about where he grew up etc.. It was nice for once talking to him without the subject of sex coming up. We just kind of lost track of time and talked about so much for almost four hours. I feel like I'm finding out so much about him. I'm found out more about him in the last couple of nights than I have in the whole three months of knowing him. He then told me about how he has really been struggling with money. He had been laid off from his last job and have been unemployed for quite some time. He has just recently obtained a new job, been working there only three months now. He said that is why he has been working so much, trying to save and get ahead because he really wants to buy a house soon. I told him I knew how hard it is because I'm still unemployed and looking for anything right now just to help me pay for school. He said the place where he works is hiring and that I should apply. I told him I'd look into it so he linked me the website. He kept saying, I'm telling you, you really should apply because they are hiring all these people now. It's not really my type of work and I have absolutely no experience, but he said I didn't need any because they will train you and that he knew absolutely nothing when he went into it. He said he would give HR my name and put in a good word for me. If nothing else maybe I can get a job out of this which I so desperately need! lol Anyway, I can't help but wonder if there is some ulterior motive here? Is he just doing all of this and acting like my friend in hopes of getting into my pants again? Or could he truly want to be a friend? He really is a nice guy and I don't think he would do something like that, but I'm a really bad judge of character so who knows? I know that I will never have a relationship with him. So that only leaves one of two things he could want....getting into my pants or a true friend? Now maybe I should have just listened to you guys and not talked to him anymore, but I enjoy his company and he seems to enjoy mine. I apologized for keeping him up so late last night and he said it's okay because he really liked talking to me. So I'm just curious here. Does it seem like he is wanting to be a friend? Or do you think he has other tricks up his sleeve?
pandagirl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 This seems suspect to me. He's emotionally pulling you in and it's working. He seems to want you in his life, but doesn't want you as a girlfriend. Believe me, I have learned this the hard way, and I just don't want you to get your hopes up or get hurt. The best way is to just ask him what he is thinking/feeling. If he reiterates again that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, I'd bail. I'm tired of these emotional leeches. It's not fair to you when you want more, and you deserve more.
Author Cora Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Thanks Panda! Yeah, I know what you mean with the emotional leeches. It's like they get what they want and then who cares what you want! I'm being very cautious right now. I have no clue what he is up to and I refuse to get hurt again. No matter what I'm trying to keep my heart out of it.
pandagirl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Thanks Panda! Yeah, I know what you mean with the emotional leeches. It's like they get what they want and then who cares what you want! I'm being very cautious right now. I have no clue what he is up to and I refuse to get hurt again. No matter what I'm trying to keep my heart out of it. Just be honest with yourself about your feelings. If you are hoping at all this could initiate a relationship with him, I'd pull out. Those conversations are way too long! haha. This past guy I dated is the first guy I've not tried to be friends with after stopping our dating. Before, I was always like, "We can be friends!" Wrong! Maybe some people can do it, but I'm just not built that way. I always inevitably getting pulled back in and emotional involved, and getting hurt all over again.
New Again Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I don't think it matters at all what his motives are. Stop thinking about him, and think about YOU. If you have feelings for him, at all, stop talking to him, spending so much time with him, and being his "friend." He's told you he doesn't want a relationship, and you'll only get hurt in the end. If you absolutely, honestly don't have any feelings for him (not any!!) then why are you even thinking about whether he's really being a friend or not? Even if you truly don't have feelings for him, I would suggest you stop talking to him so much and spending so much time with him. It's going to prevent you from meeting other guys who might actually want to be with you.
Author Cora Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 I don't think it matters at all what his motives are. Stop thinking about him, and think about YOU. If you have feelings for him, at all, stop talking to him, spending so much time with him, and being his "friend." He's told you he doesn't want a relationship, and you'll only get hurt in the end. If you absolutely, honestly don't have any feelings for him (not any!!) then why are you even thinking about whether he's really being a friend or not? Even if you truly don't have feelings for him, I would suggest you stop talking to him so much and spending so much time with him. It's going to prevent you from meeting other guys who might actually want to be with you. I am thinking about his motives because I don't want to be fooled again or be taken advantage of. I'm the type of person who is all about friends. If he want's to be friends great! I'm not hoping for more with him. He has told me his thoughts and I believe him when he says he does not want a relationship now. I'm not holding out any kind of hope for later either. I care about him as a person and he genuinely seems like a nice guy. Could I be wrong about his character? You bet I could! I just enjoy talking and sharing a few laughs with him like I do all of my other friends. But maybe he does not want friendship at all. I'm just going to kind of see how it goes. I'm keeping my eye out for potential daters, but honestly I really don't think I'm ready to date right now.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 As long as you don't hope for more, here, just be friends and be happy with that. Who knows? Maybe you can gain more insight into the male psyche that'll help your dating life. And as long as you're crystal clear with him (NO SEX), then I don't see what the big deal is. Even if he DOES try to go that route, if you're positive that all you want is friends and aren't hoping for a relationship with this guy, you'll be able to tell him "no." Then at that point you can decide if you ever want to talk to him again. Who couldn't use more friends? I wish I had somebody I could talk to like that right now. :|
Star Gazer Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 No matter what I'm trying to keep my heart out of it. Do you keep your heart out of your friendships? I don't. What's the point of having a friend, if you're heart isn't in it. DO NOT fool yourself into thinking you can be friends with this guy. You can't. He's trying to manipulate you to get what he wants - more sex.
Author Cora Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Do you keep your heart out of your friendships? I don't. What's the point of having a friend, if you're heart isn't in it. DO NOT fool yourself into thinking you can be friends with this guy. You can't. He's trying to manipulate you to get what he wants - more sex. What I meant was I'm keeping my heart out of feeling more for him or hoping for more. When he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship that really hurt. I know that there is no chance of us having anything more than friendship if that. I guess I'll find out soon enough what he is after. I will not sleep with him anymore. Now that I know he does not want a relationship, if I continue sleeping with him, that is a FWB situation for sure! If I continue sleeping with him then I'm gonna want more. If it's true, he is only trying to manipulate me like you say, then yeah, I'm going to feel like a damn fool! Whether he wants to or not, he isn't getting into my pants again.
pandagirl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 What I meant was I'm keeping my heart out of feeling more for him or hoping for more. When he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship that really hurt. I know that there is no chance of us having anything more than friendship if that. I guess I'll find out soon enough what he is after. I will not sleep with him anymore. Now that I know he does not want a relationship, if I continue sleeping with him, that is a FWB situation for sure! If I continue sleeping with him then I'm gonna want more. If it's true, he is only trying to manipulate me like you say, then yeah, I'm going to feel like a damn fool! Whether he wants to or not, he isn't getting into my pants again. I don't know about you, but I can't control my heart with my head. I can try to be rational, but it never works.
N.Colony Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 This seems suspect to me. He's emotionally pulling you in and it's working. He seems to want you in his life, but doesn't want you as a girlfriend. Believe me, I have learned this the hard way, and I just don't want you to get your hopes up or get hurt. The best way is to just ask him what he is thinking/feeling. If he reiterates again that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, I'd bail. I'm tired of these emotional leeches. It's not fair to you when you want more, and you deserve more. I agree. As a guy, I've done this before.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Being friends with a guy you've been intimate before never works out. Friendships require a certain amount of trust, which in your case seems only to be about doubt and what his ulterior motives are. Cora you're trying too hard to have this guy in your life ( as a friend). Relationships of any type should occur naturally but if it's causing you stress, you know it's pointless to force the issue.
Recommended Posts