lonelyinluv Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 my son is about to turn 4. me and his father split up when he was a little over 2. he spends 3 or 4 days with me then goes to his fathers 2 or 3 days;; having his father in his life is extremely important to me because of how not having a father affected me. but the question is will this affect him in the long run? is it emotionaly healthy for a kid to go back and forth like this? me and his dad have a great "Parent to Parent" relationship.. there's almost 0 to none argues(only dumb stuff like why did you let him lose his shoes) we dont put any of our issues in front of him or bad mouth each other when he's at our house because i know that plays a role in how he turns out later on in life. so it's nothing like the crazy "BABY MAMA" or "BABYDADDY" issues. im just curious will the back and forth hurt him in the long run?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 These days it is normal for kids of divorced parents to go back and forth. My kids have been doing it for almost 5 years, and they're 12 and 14. They have two rooms to keep clean, so that is a downside, but their dad and I also get along, no arguments, and we are still a family, just not in the traditional sense. If the kids are served punishment at one place, it carries over to the other. For example if they are grounded from the computer at dad's on their last day there, then I will also not allow them to use it until the agreed upon time has been reached between me and their dad. I'm sure eventually, in a few years, they may want to have more input into where they want to stay and we have to deal with that as a family. My fear is that they begin to play one parent against the other, but because their dad and I talk, they would be found out pretty quick. We have keys to each other's place, and call before coming over, usually to pick up stuff the kids forgot or clothes that they need (always seem to be short! they grow so fast). Your son won't remember any other lifestyle and that is probably an advantage for him.
onthebrinkofitall Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Your son will be fine. It sounds like you've still got a pretty good relationship with his dad, which is more than a lot of people can say.. including myself. Kids are so adaptable and I think sometimes, we as parents, forget that. This is the only way he knows and as long as you both love him and don't put him in the middle of any spats, he'll be just fine.
AlektraClementine Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 No worries girl. I have a 6 and an 8 year old. We do something very similar. They're doing juuuust fine.
Trimmer Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 These days it is normal for kids of divorced parents to go back and forth. My kids have been doing it for almost 5 years, and they're 12 and 14. They have two rooms to keep clean, so that is a downside, but their dad and I also get along, no arguments, and we are still a family, just not in the traditional sense. If the kids are served punishment at one place, it carries over to the other. For example if they are grounded from the computer at dad's on their last day there, then I will also not allow them to use it until the agreed upon time has been reached between me and their dad. I'm sure eventually, in a few years, they may want to have more input into where they want to stay and we have to deal with that as a family. My fear is that they begin to play one parent against the other, but because their dad and I talk, they would be found out pretty quick. We have keys to each other's place, and call before coming over, usually to pick up stuff the kids forgot or clothes that they need (always seem to be short! they grow so fast). This is very much like my situation. Kids are now 10 & 12 and we've been doing it for 3-1/2 years now. We're respectful and supportive of each other's role as parent in front of the kids, don't air any past marital issues, communicate to be sure we're up to date on what's going on and to provide consistency as has been mentioned. We've also got keys to each other's places, and we are very respectful about calling first, etc. As parents, we each show a willingness to give a little more than half, and that keeps things cool for the kids. Would I rather that they live in one house with both parents? Hell yeah! I won't say it makes absoluely no difference in any divorced family. But I think the thing that makes it work is just the kind of stuff you are already practicing, and the things people are talking about in this thread. No hostilities, supportive parents that can act like the adults they are suppoed to be, and nothing that puts the kids in a position to have to choose sides or decide loyalties - these are the things that are the most likely to damage them in their development. If they can go on in their lives, knowing that both parents love and support them, that their home(s) are secure and safe - physically and emotionally - and they don't have to feel like they're in a battle zone, then they can go on with their normal development, doing the things that kids need to do to grow up healthy. Frankly, the fact that you are already thinking about how your relationship as parents will affect him puts you WAY out in front of some divorced parents who can't set their egos and their roles as ex-spouses aside and act like adult parents for the good of their kids. Keep doing the things you are doing, but don't get all tensed up about it. Relax - you're doing the right stuff, for the right reasons.
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