Hotchocolate Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 If you've seen my posts on my potential EA, I get it, that's a dead end and I have my own marital baggage to worth thru. But after reading more of the posts, there is so much heartbreak and bad, bad behavior that I wonder if it is possible for two people to have just married the wrong people, meet the right one and wind up together. From the stories on this site, it kinda sounds like a heap of no -- and that the women are the more often than not the collateral damage. Thoughts?
bentnotbroken Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Anything wrong can't be made right by doing the wrong thing. A bad marriage isn't made better by and affair, emotional or physical. The issues that a partner allows to help a marriage deteriorate in the first place, are still with the person even if they go to a new relationship. Whatever the issues in your marriage, you helped to contribute. You have to look within yourself, face those things, deal with those things or you carry them with you to every relationship you have whether you think you are with the wrong person or not. It will not matter in the long run if I weren't the one to have the A, it does matter that the issues I had during the marriage, are the issues I face and address in order to be a healthier me for any future relationships.
DNU1 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Well, when a WS divorces the BS and ends up getting married to the OP, it's called an "affairage." And I'm told the divorce rate for "affairages" is somewhere near 85%(!) I've got no real proof on that number, just hearsay from forums like these and mb.com. Personally I can tell you that I have no intentions of even dating ANYONE for a very long time. I realize that I have lots of issues to work through with this divorce. I must be comfortable and stable being alone before I can even think about being with another person. Now I'm a pretty well read guy, college degree, Master's degree, some cerfiticates...and a few grad level counseling classes thrown in for good measure. Worked with scads of counselors for years. I know that the pain and baggage from this divorce will stay with me a long time. It's something I have to work through...even though I want to rush things along some days. Just one day at a time...(*keep repeating*) one day at at time...
norajane Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I wonder if it is possible for two people to have just married the wrong people, meet the right one and wind up together. An affair means you're starting off with two people who become adept at lying and deception, hiding and sneaking around, manipulation and selfishness. If you're ok with that sort of thing, then it shouldn't be a huge surprise that your partner in crime may not have the highest level of integrity, honor, kindness, and compassion for others. And that they are terrible at conflict resolution, and are much better at conflict avoidance, withdrawal and betrayal. With that as a foundation, really, how do you expect to end up with a good relationship? Those characteristics don't just suddenly change when with a new partner. The partners may change, but the individuals are still made of the same stuff.
OFGnomore Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 And that they are terrible at conflict resolution, and are much better at conflict avoidance, withdrawal and betrayal. FTR, many marriages deteriorate because the BS holds the same characteristics in a relationship, minus the 'betrayal', you described my H to a T and he's still working through his communication issues.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 It can end that way, but only if they are exit affairs. In your case, you are wanting an exit affair and a divorce, and MM just wants an affair (and is already having one in addition to the one that he wants with you) - not a divorce. Unfortunately, that is how most of them work out (or don't work out, so to speak). Sometimes one of the WS will be forced out of the marriage and will end up with OP and that works out even more poorly.
whimsical_memory Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 If you've seen my posts on my potential EA, I get it, that's a dead end and I have my own marital baggage to worth thru. But after reading more of the posts, there is so much heartbreak and bad, bad behavior that I wonder if it is possible for two people to have just married the wrong people, meet the right one and wind up together. From the stories on this site, it kinda sounds like a heap of no -- and that the women are the more often than not the collateral damage. Thoughts? For what it is worth, my step-mother was the 'other woman' once upon a time. My father met her when he was working for a physical rehabilitation center, and fell in love with her. They have been married now for 32 years (my father and birth mother were only married for 5 or so years), and I regard her as my mom. I do believe that it is possible to marry the wrong person, and then find your one special person. My ex-husband and I were entirely wrong for one another, but the person that he cheated on me with, is his perfect match.
taylor Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I wonder if it is possible for two people to have just married the wrong people, meet the right one and wind up together. From the stories on this site, it kinda sounds like a heap of no -- and that the women are the more often than not the collateral damage. Thoughts? I know of two sets of couples who had affairs and had happy endings. One was my father and my step-mom. My mother and father dated and married after 6 months. They were TOTALLY incompatible in MANY ways. Both good people, but totally wrong for each other. They stayed together for 12 long years for us kids but during this time, our home became a battlefield. The emotional abuse and verbal abuse on both sides was horrible. My father met my step-mom at work and had an affair. To make a long story short, my parents divorced and my father and step-mom married. They were so RIGHT for each other. Best friends. Best companions. Totally compatible. They were married over 25 years and still hugged, kissed and said I love you every day. They still completed each other's sentences and laughed at each other's jokes. He passed away last year with her at his side. The other couple was my uncle and aunt (second marriage for both). His first marriage was a battlefield. She drank, got mean, and verbally and physically abused him. Again, they stayed together because of the kids. When the kids were teens, he had an affair with a recently divorced woman and later married her. She was the total opposite of his first wife..a BAPTIST...no drinking, no smoking..church-going woman. Very meek and mild. She smoothed out his rough edges and for the first time in his life he was content. I truly believe people do marry the wrong kind of person sometimes. They marry in haste or for the wrong reasons. Or they marry too young, before they even know who THEY are, let alone the kind of person they would be most compatible with. I think some people also marry just because they fall in love, without any consideration given as to whether that person is compatible with them, or if that person would be good FOR them. Love is blind and many people marry before those blinders come off. By the same token, affair partners are also BLIND in most cases. They overlook flaws and differences. I think what makes it harder for affairs to work is most people come together in emotional affairs at extremely vulnerable times in their lives...moments of weakness. They bond with someone they might not otherwise have given a second thought to had they been at a strong and happy place in their lives. And yes, I do agree most of the time women get hurt worse in emotional affairs. I think it's because we are givers in relationships and often invest alot more of ourselves emotionally in a relationship, especially in the beginning. I think it's also because as women, we want to combine sex and love in a total package of romance, whereas men, especially early in a relationship., fight to keep those two things separate.
taylor Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I do believe that it is possible to marry the wrong person, and then find your one special person. My ex-husband and I were entirely wrong for one another, but the person that he cheated on me with, is his perfect match. Our posts crossed. Just want to say my mom used to say the same thing about my dad and step-mom...that they were a perfect match for each other.
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