Left in a Lurch Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 if i had a nickel for every time a single mother said to me "my kids come first" i would have $100. its a big turn-off when they say that. its like saying that the best i can hope for is playing second fiddle. Alpha has been dead on with everything he said on this thread. Knowing you are not a priority right off the bat puts a damper on things. Trying to date a single mom ends up being a string of 2:00-3:15 lunch dates, last minute cancellations and timeouts in the middle of dates to call a kid, or leaving early because a kid acts up. There are no weekends away, not a lot of alone time, and few opportunites without major planning. Through nobody's fault, it just isn't as fun and sometimes just seems like too much work to go after a woman who in the end can't always give as much as you do because she is first on your list and you are second on hers.
alphamale Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Alpha has been dead on with everything he said on this thread. Knowing you are not a priority right off the bat puts a damper on things. thats cause i have the experience of dating women with kids. now i date only women with no kids or women with kids over 18 another annoying thing many of these single moms say is "oh, my kids are good kids"
Left in a Lurch Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 thats cause i have the experience of dating women with kids. now i date only women with no kids or women with kids over 18 another annoying thing many of these single moms say is "oh, my kids are good kids" Well that and if you offer to pick them up after a couple of dates and they say they want to be careful about who their kids see them with makes me feel like I am doing something dirty, and just seems weird. I understand it completely but usually just makes me feel like it's too much effort to have a date that is basically me buying dinner, a little talking, and then going our separate ways. That's pretty boring when you know how the date is going to end before it starts.
alphamale Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Well that and if you offer to pick them up after a couple of dates and they say they want to be careful about who their kids see them with makes me feel like I am doing something dirty, and just seems weird. bascially they don't want their kids to think their ma is a tramp
Thornton Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 In my experience, dating a father doesn't tend to be so problematic, because men seem to have a more rational balance between life-partner-kids. They realise that their partner should be a priority sometimes if the relationship is to remain healthy, and decisions should be based on what's best for everyone, not just on what's best for the kids. Women usually seem to declare very emotionally "My kids always come first" with no regard for their partner's happiness or their own, and I think often they actually make the domestic situation very difficult by demonstrating to the kids that the stepdad always comes second to their demands. It doesn't create a very good role model for a healthy relationship either, if the kids see that their mother doesn't consider her partner's needs and doesn't consider maintaining the relationship to be as important as raising the kids. Not only does this attitude often result in the relationship not working out for the mother, it also means the kids grow up thinking they can have a relationship without ever prioritising their partner, because they saw their mother do it. If the kids have kids of their own and then get divorced because they didn't work on their relationship enough, part of the blame must lie on the fact that their mother showed them that this is the way a relationship should be handled once you have kids - you de-prioritise your partner and focus only on the kids. I'm sure this attitude leads to the breakup of a lot of marriages.
Author lucy9216 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Alphamale, you are right. Kids don't understand the dating world so if they see their mom with different guys every weekend they will think their mom is a tramp. and what if the kid gets attached to one of these guys and it doesent work out, then the kid feels bad too. It is just best to wait until both adults know that they do really care for one another and are willing to take their relationship to the next level before the kids are brought into the picture. It does eliminate alot of confusion. As far as being able to date in my situation I am pretty lucky with my kids dad is involved in their life so I do get every weekend to make plans for dates or whatever. Any guy that wants to take me out I do have the weekends free without having to worry about a sitter, the only the problem is, is when their dad bails and cannot pick up the kids. This does not happen alot but it does happen.
Left in a Lurch Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 bascially they don't want their kids to think their ma is a tramp I get that, it just takes the anticipation and spontaneity out of the date. You know it ends with you each of you in your own car and going different places.
Author lucy9216 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 In my experience, dating a father doesn't tend to be so problematic, because men seem to have a more rational balance between life-partner-kids. They realise that their partner should be a priority sometimes if the relationship is to remain healthy, and decisions should be based on what's best for everyone, not just on what's best for the kids. Women usually seem to declare very emotionally "My kids always come first" with no regard for their partner's happiness or their own, and I think often they actually make the domestic situation very difficult by demonstrating to the kids that the stepdad always comes second to their demands. It doesn't create a very good role model for a healthy relationship either, if the kids see that their mother doesn't consider her partner's needs and doesn't consider maintaining the relationship to be as important as raising the kids. Not only does this attitude often result in the relationship not working out for the mother, it also means the kids grow up thinking they can have a relationship without ever prioritising their partner, because they saw their mother do it. If the kids have kids of their own and then get divorced because they didn't work on their relationship enough, part of the blame must lie on the fact that their mother showed them that this is the way a relationship should be handled once you have kids - you de-prioritise your partner and focus only on the kids. I'm sure this attitude leads to the breakup of a lot of marriages. This is what happend with my ex, but we were both to blame. We never took time for eachother and ended up being everyone else's babysitter so other couples could go out and have their time together. He left because he said I didn't save any love for him but he did the same to me as well so we were both to blame. Like I mentioned in a previous response I am really sad about it, I do miss him we were both very compatiable in so many ways I was willing to work it out but I guess he was so far gone by the time he left that he is no longer willing to work things out. It is a hard lesson I learned from that relationship, my kids are important but so is being with my partner.
Lizzie60 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Alphamale, you are right. Kids don't understand the dating world so if they see their mom with different guys every weekend they will think their mom is a tramp. and what if the kid gets attached to one of these guys and it doesent work out, then the kid feels bad too. It is just best to wait until both adults know that they do really care for one another and are willing to take their relationship to the next level before the kids are brought into the picture. It does eliminate alot of confusion. As far as being able to date in my situation I am pretty lucky with my kids dad is involved in their life so I do get every weekend to make plans for dates or whatever. Any guy that wants to take me out I do have the weekends free without having to worry about a sitter, the only the problem is, is when their dad bails and cannot pick up the kids. This does not happen alot but it does happen. Not a tramp as much as a bad mother.. if she shows her new bf after only a week.. she's extremely immature..
mammax3 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Hey Lucy. I feel for ya. My ex and I split up years ago (me with 3 kids and no w/es off), and it's only been in the last few months that I've been contemplating dating. I second the one person who said don't pick up in bars. However, if that's the venue you're choosing, it's doubtful (although not implausible) that the man is not looking for much of a relationship. That being said, if you're looking for some fun and are just flirting, then I don't think it's necessary to divulge too much of your private life given the stereotypes that are out there (thank you for your thorough list, alpha). See how the next few dates go before deciding. The men who have had children, been married etc do have a fantastic perspective on relationships (IME) and are not often scared of single mothers since they don't need the same level of mollycoddling that single blokes require - they can handle last minute cancellations, snotty noses or distracted conversations SO dreamy, those men! true Alphas, to piggyback on another thread.
Author lucy9216 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 It is not so much of trying to find a b/f or anything like that in a bar, the example I provided was just the more recent one that happened last night at a bar. It really doesent matter where I am, I have been approached a few times and once I mention my kids the conversation normally dies and he runs. I want to be honest and upfront with any guy about my kids from the start so I wasn't sure if I was bringing it up in the wrong way. If I feel that he may be attracted to me and wants to continue talking with me he needs to know I have kids. I am probably getting the most attention from younger guys, younger guys would not be as accepting to date a girl with kids vs. an older man. But I did say earlier that I do look young for my age, I don't think I am old I am only 29 but I could definatley pass for being 22. This may be why I get approached by more younger guys than older.
Thornton Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 If you're being approached by guys in their early 20s, there's your answer about why they run off when they find out you have kids - they're too young to be prepared to date a woman with kids. If you look at guys around your own age then you might have more luck, particularly among those who are divorced and/or have kids of their own - although many guys in their late 20s are still not prepared to take on kids, especially if they have none of their own. Your best bet would probably be guys in their mid to late 30s - even if they don't have kids of their own they're probably more willing to compromise on the fact that you do. Perhaps you should start looking in other places for guys - online dating might be good since the guys who actually contact you obviously won't mind your kids.
Author lucy9216 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 I do actually have an online dating account, don't use it much though. I have in the begining of talking about myself on my account that I am a single mom and that I love being a mommy. I am really strict about that being the first thing a guy learns about me because say if he does get emotionally attached to me and finds out later that I have kids he could either leave or stay because he really does care for me but if he doesent really like kids he would end up just tolerating them, rather than someone who could love them like a step-dad EVENTUALLY. I would rather only date the ones that do like kids and are open to dating single moms, even if it does not work out between us. I did meet a great single dad on my dating account, he is 32 things were going really well but I have posted other threads about this guy. He just got flaky after about 5 or 6 weeks, don't think he was too interested in me. Had to move on from that one, that was disappointing but can't win em all. I actually do not get alot of activity on my account either, I think that has to do with the single mommy at the beginning of my account. Atleast that limits the amount of responses I get to guys that are actually willing to accept it.
Author lucy9216 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 I think part of it may be just me.... right now I got an email on my dating account from a 37 year old guy, he knows I have kids if he read my profile. I am reading his and he just seems so borring.... Maybe I need some of my own growing up to do. I have my responsibilities my girls and my school I know what is important so I don't slack off but at the same time I like to have fun and still be young too :-( the older ones get serious too quick and seem a little boring and the younger ones are too immature and all they want to do is party! I need a good balance of both haha good luck to me finding that one. Again thank you for all the great responses.
alphamale Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Maybe I need some of my own growing up to do. I have my responsibilities my girls and my school I know what is important so I don't slack off but at the same time I like to have fun and still be young too you can't have everything sister. either stick with your responsibilities or become a party girl. there is no in between
Author lucy9216 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Ahhhh... not really a party girl but I do still like to go out sometimes.
Author lucy9216 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Ya know what that is it I have decided, I am just going to stay single until my youngest turns 18! This is just too complicated
AlektraClementine Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 It's funny, because I think single moms can be just as discerning as some of these dudes out there. I'm a single mom, and the day I decided to change my perspective is the day my dating life changed. I decided I would no longer think of it in terms of "oh well, there are some men who would stoop to date me" and started thinking in terms of "I get to choose who I date". Just as there are some men who choose not to date single moms, there are single moms who choose not to date dudes who are so insecure that they consider themselves second fiddle to a 5 year old. Who's the real "baby" in this scenario. Through my experience, I learned a few things. All the men (and I do mean all) who say they could never date a single mom, will eventually do it. It all boils down to the woman. I have only ever introduced my children to one man. That's my fiance. Those men that I dated prior to him, were all but BEGGING to meet my children when they learned that I had no intention of doing so. Also consider this. Single moms who don't have ex-husband drama, are just as easy to date as women w/o children. My ex is very much involved with the kiddos and we share custody. Live near one another and this has provided me with plenty of free time to date. Also consider this. The older you get (this goes for men and women), the smaller your dating pool gets. If you haven't settled down by the age of 30-35, your single woman with no kids (of decent quality) become fewer and far between.
marlena Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Ya know what that is it I have decided, I am just going to stay single until my youngest turns 18! This is just too complicated You know, I did this. I consciously made the decision not to date until my daughter was about 17. I wanted to channel all my energy into raising her properly and did not want the distraction of having a relationship or dating. I had a lot of fun with my friends and flirted a lot when out but that´s as far as it went. I made up for lost time after my daughter went to college, lol!! Oh, and I did not want a stepfather for my daughter. I just couldn´t take the risk.
Thornton Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Through my experience, I learned a few things. All the men (and I do mean all) who say they could never date a single mom, will eventually do it. It all boils down to the woman. I have only ever introduced my children to one man. That's my fiance. Those men that I dated prior to him, were all but BEGGING to meet my children when they learned that I had no intention of doing so. ......... Also consider this. The older you get (this goes for men and women), the smaller your dating pool gets. If you haven't settled down by the age of 30-35, your single woman with no kids (of decent quality) become fewer and far between. These two things are related though... the dating pool gets smaller by the age of 30-35 and there are few women of decent quality without kids, so the men who said they would never date a single mother end up doing it, purely because they have no other options. If I were a single mother I dunno if I'd be happy dating a guy who would prefer to date women without kids, who is only dating me because the dating pool is too small for him to find a woman without kids... I'd feel like I was second choice and he was only dating me because he had no better options.
Thornton Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I do actually have an online dating account, don't use it much though. I have in the begining of talking about myself on my account that I am a single mom and that I love being a mommy. ...... I actually do not get alot of activity on my account either, I think that has to do with the single mommy at the beginning of my account. Atleast that limits the amount of responses I get to guys that are actually willing to accept it. Perhaps you're pushing the mommy aspect too much? I have friends who used to be intelligent human beings, but since they had kids all they talk about is baby - vomit - diaper - first tooth etc, and I really don't find them interesting or intellectually stimulating to spend time with any more. It's like their minds have been sucked out and replaced with baby stuff. If you say "I love being a mommy, my kids are so important, kids kids kids" then the guy is going to think you're one of those women who's only capable of talking about her offspring. Fair enough, mention that you have kids, but the guy mostly wants to know what you're like as a person, what your interests are outside of your kids - not many guys will go for a woman who describes herself by saying "I love being a mommy". A guy wants to have a relationship with someone who is a woman first and foremost, not someone who is a mommy and nothing else.
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I was a dating single mother for years. I am a private person by nature. I would not think of telling a man in a bar that I had children, my last name , or really anything very personal. Why would I and why would he want to hear it? If I was interested in him enough to give him my phone number , and he then called for a date - I would then give him more information. It is fair enough if a man doesnt want to date a woman with kids, I have no problem with that. Of course, my daughter always comes first in my life...but she had zero to do with who I dated. After all, "dating" itself did not include her. Very few of the men I dated even met her. If you exchange numbers, when he calls tell him your personal info...to do so FIRST, before any real interest has been exchanged, screams: Husband Shopping.
AlektraClementine Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 These two things are related though... the dating pool gets smaller by the age of 30-35 and there are few women of decent quality without kids, so the men who said they would never date a single mother end up doing it, purely because they have no other options. If I were a single mother I dunno if I'd be happy dating a guy who would prefer to date women without kids, who is only dating me because the dating pool is too small for him to find a woman without kids... I'd feel like I was second choice and he was only dating me because he had no better options. Goes both ways though. The single mom is getting the toss-asides too. The men that the decent women w/o children don't want. Luckily for me, I'm not in this situation and neither is my guy. He had plenty of options but chose me. I'd love to see more single moms change their attitude about themselves. We have just as much to offer the men of the world. Albeit, different qualities. But just as good. If single moms conducted their dating lives with confidence, they'd be surprised at the catches they could "bag" (for lack of a better word). It's sad to see so many beautiful, loving, nurturing women sit like wall flowers waiting for some man, any man, to deem them worthy of dating. Then there are those ladies that posted about waiting to date until their children are grown. That's cool too! I myself, really wanted a companion so I sought it out. One that fits right in with my little family.
Author lucy9216 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Thank you everyone, you provided alot of input that I just never even thought of. I just want to get to know some new people and see what happens, not really looking for anything long term right now but maybe when I meet the right guy I will be just wasn't sure if there was something in paticular that I was saying that made me come off as I am looking for a daddy for my kids and someone to raise my family. I am doing just fine on my own I don't need to be in a relationship but I didn't want to scare off a potentially good guy with something I said that was wrong or maybe came off the wrong way. Granted I know I probably wont met mr. right in a bar, but you never know when he will come along. Until then I will just keep doing what I am doing, and on my online account I could probably tone it down a bit on how much I love being a mommy but I am still leaving it as the first thing on there that I am a single mom. I would feel really bad if I don't mention my kids right away, I have always felt really strong about that.
alphamale Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I would feel really bad if I don't mention my kids right away, I have always felt really strong about that. don't get me wrong here, i really appreciate it when single women are up front about any kids. the majority of single women who are looking do say this up front cause its such a big part of their lives. its important that the man know ahead of time that he may be getting into a "package deal" for example, if a woman had 12 cats i'd probably want to know that up front also
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