Single mom, what is the best approach

[lucy9216]

I am a single mom with two girls 3 and 9. Recently in the dating scene since May. Last night I went out to a country night club and a cute cowboy asked me to dance bought me a drink, while we were talking I did mention that I have two kids. When I told him this I saw a look of disappointment and shock, I called him on it and he said he appreciated me calling him on it. Then literally two sec. later one of his friends came up to him and they took off, I later saw this guy with a different girl. Now this is not the first time this has happened, once I mention I have kids I send the guy running away. I beleive in telling a guy that shows interest in me that I do have kids right away because if they really do want to pursue me I think that is something that he should know up front and if they don't like kids I don't want them to waste my time with me! I guess my question is, when this happens am I putting off the impression that I am looking for a daddy for my kids? because I am not my girls have their dad, I am out there in the dating scene looking for the same thing as everyone else is.

[alphamale]

I guess my question is, when this happens am I putting off the impression that I am looking for a daddy for my kids? because I am not my girls have their dad, I am out there in the dating scene looking for the same thing as everyone else is.

a lot of men won't date women with small kids cause it is a big hassle.

 

my advice is never say the following two things to a potential date:

1. "i'm not looking for a dad for my kids, they already have one"
   
2. "my kids will always come first no matter what"
   

[Thaddeus]

First of all, kudos to you for being upfront about it.

 

It's pretty difficult to tell whether you're leaving someone with the impression that you're looking for a daddy for the kids without actually seeing/hearing the interaction.

 

That said, clearly the idea of having kids in the mix wasn't what this guy was looking for, so it's just as well that he ended up with someone else. Could be that he's been burned in the past, could be that he already has a battalion of kids at home, could be, well, anything.

 

Can you give a clearer indication of the context of the conversation?

 

For the record, there are plenty of single guys who have no problem whatsoever dating single moms.

 

I'm one of them.

[lucy9216]

It could also be that I get hit on alot by younger guys too. I was drinking and it was loud so what I remember is after we were done dancing we went to the bar and he bought me a drink. He was telling me that he was from Texas and he came here about a year ago to go to school, I asked him what he was studying he said psychology. I told him I was studying psychology too, he asked me where I go I told him I am doing online college because I have two kids and it is easier for me. (I find that when I bring up the online college that is a good way to say that I have two kids without just saying hi my name is lucy and I have two kids, but any guys that show interest need to know I do have kids) Right after I said that I did see that look of shock and disappointment. I said something like: I see that surprises you that I have kids? he said oh you caught that, thanks for calling me on it. Then he said that he works with kids, I told him I thought that was great and I love kids he said he did too. Then that is when his friend came up and he was gone. I went back on the dance floor and when I came back to the bar I noticed he never even came back for his beer he just left it there, haha... I don't think I came on too strong about the subject, but what do you think?

[Thaddeus]

Sounds like just a regular conversation, nothing at all out of the ordinary. I can't really say why he felt the need to bolt. It may have been something his friend said - not about you, but maybe, "Hey, there are two chickies over there I've been chatting up and one of them wants to meet you!" or something like that.

 

Regardless, I wouldn't sweat it. I think you handled it perfectly well.

 

Doing anything tonight?

[marlena]

When I was single and my daughter was young, I would tell anyone who expressed an interest in me that it was a package deal. Take it or leave it! Never,ever put a man above your children. If someone truly cares about you, he will care about your children as well. Otherwise, good riddance is what I say.

[Thornton]

I don't think you did anything wrong in mentioning that you have kids, because you didn't mention it in a shoving-it-in-his-face kind of way, you just mentioned it casually so he was aware. He wasn't into that, which is fair enough, but I think it's best to tell guys up front anyway so you filter out the ones who aren't interested in dating a woman with kids. Having said that, my friend has two kids and she never tells anyone about them until a few weeks into the relationship, by which point the guy has had a chance to get hooked on her and he's more likely to accept that she has kids - she says that if she confessed up front most guys wouldn't even take the time to get to know her and give her a chance. So I guess there are pros and cons of either approach.

 

May I ask roughly how old you are, and what age group of men you're aiming at? Because I think that younger guys are less likely to be interested in a woman with kids, whereas guys in their 30s or 40s are more likely to give you a chance.

[boogieboy]

You did nothing wrong. You got it out the way casually before anyone got emotionally invested. Its a good filter.

 

Only problem is this...now once the guys get past that filter, you have to make sure they are serious about you, and they dont keep you on the hook dangling while youre wondering whats going on. Some guys will take that filter in stride, then they will put you on the backburner and not tell you.

 

make sure you keep yourself a little objective so you can recognize who takes you seriously and who doesnt.

 

You know how people post on this board say that they havent dated in a while, so they get caught up in one person (great chemistry & conversation), and the date barely contacts them...

[Thaddeus]

When I was single and my daughter was young, I would tell anyone who expressed an interest in me that it was a package deal. Take it or leave it! Never,ever put a man above your children. If someone truly cares about you, he will care about your children as well. Otherwise, good riddance is what I say.

I think I understand Marlena's intent, but there's a danger here that often gets overlooked.

 

When a woman says, "My children will ALWAYS come first!" that tells me at least three things:

 

1. She's got kids. OK, fair enough. No problem there (for me, anyway)
   
2. Insisting that her kids come first is just like the "nice guy" who's constantly telling people how nice he is, or the "strong, independent woman" telling everyone how strong and independent she is. Frankly, it's boring, a mastering of the obvious.
   
3. Any man who ends up with a woman who insists her children ALWAYS, without exception, comes first has to be content with the fact that his relationship with her will ALWAYS come at least second. To me personally, that's a red flag.
   

Just my $0.02

[Lizzie60]

I think you got to be patient.. a lot of guys don't want the 'package' deal.. they just want the woman.. no kids and that's OK.. to each their own.

 

you'll eventually find someone who will accept your kids.. don't worry.

 

I, for one, would NOT date a guy who has young kids.. not that I don't like kids.. I just don't want to be 'second'... that's all..

[alphamale]

i'll tell you why some men don't like to date women with kids, i'm going to lay it on the line, no pussy-footing around here:

• single moms always put their kids first which is correct behaviour but leaves the man out in the cold sometimes
  
• getting together with single moms is truly a hassle. they usually have a set routine and may have to get baby sitters, etc. in addition, doing things on an spur of the moment is totally out
  
• single moms are constantly worrying about their kids and it can ruin nights out
  
• the whole deal about meeting the kids and when. generally the younger the kids are the more complicated this gets
  
• older kids (i.e. teenagers) many times will not accept the gentleman or feel resentment towards him
  
• many times the single mom is tied to her ex and this can become a HUGE problem. the mom and her ex may not get along. the ex may be a psycho. the kids may be used as pawns in a game of psychological chess
  
• single moms have less energy and time for dating
  
• making time for romance and sexual activity can be an exercise in futility
  
• single moms generally are financially less well off and need to save their money for their kids/home/expenses. therefore the man will end up paying much of the dateing co$ts.
  

[marlena]

I think I understand Marlena's intent, but there's a danger here that often gets overlooked.

 

When a woman says, "My children will ALWAYS come first!" that tells me at least three things:

 

1. She's got kids. OK, fair enough. No problem there (for me, anyway)
   
2. Insisting that her kids come first is just like the "nice guy" who's constantly telling people how nice he is, or the "strong, independent woman" telling everyone how strong and independent she is. Frankly, it's boring, a mastering of the obvious.
   
3. Any man who ends up with a woman who insists her children ALWAYS, without exception, comes first has to be content with the fact that his relationship with her will ALWAYS come at least second. To me personally, that's a red flag.
   

 

No, no, I didn´t mean that a man should come second. I meant that both children and partner should be equally important. However, when push comes to shove, men come and go but children are there forever. I suppose that my feeling is that if a man truly loved me he would love my children as well as they are a part of me. As I would love his if he had any.

[Lizzie60]

i'll tell you why some men don't like to date women with kids, i'm going to lay it on the line, no pussy-footing around here:

• single moms always put their kids first which is correct behaviour but leaves the man out in the cold sometimes
  
• getting together with single moms is truly a hassle. they usually have a set routine and may have to get baby sitters, etc. in addition, doing things on an spur of the moment is totally out
  
• single moms are constantly worrying about their kids and it can ruin nights out
  
• the whole deal about meeting the kids and when. generally the younger the kids are the more complicated this gets
  
• older kids (i.e. teenagers) many times will not accept the gentleman or feel resentment towards him
  
• many times the single mom is tied to her ex and this can become a HUGE problem. the mom and her ex may not get along. the ex may be a psycho. the kids may be used as pawns in a game of psychological chess
  
• single moms have less energy and time for dating
  
• making time for romance and sexual activity can be an exercise in futility
  
• single moms generally are financially less well off and need to save their money for their kids/home/expenses. therefore the man will end up paying much of the dateing co$ts.
  

 

I completely agree with you.. these are the reasons why men don't date women with kids.. and it's quite understandable.. if the guys don't want the kids around..

 

I think he better move on right away.. than stay in the picture and resent the kids eventually..

[alphamale]

I meant that both children and partner should be equally important. .

buah ha ahhahahah ah aah ahha ha

 

there shouldn't be any world hunger either

[marlena]

buah ha ahhahahah ah aah ahha ha

 

there shouldn't be any world hunger either

 

Oh, come on Alpha, why is that so hard to imagine? It´s two different kinds of loves

but both are equally important and both need to be cultivated in their own way.

[jennifer4]

I am a single mom of 4. I just got out of a 3 yr relationship and have only dated 2 guys. It is tough but there will be a guy willing to date you. I feel that some guys are put off with the fact that I have responsibilities. Mine range from ages 6 -16.. I also let a guy know real quick that I have 4 kids. That way it weeds out a lot of men who won't date single moms. Better for me that way. Good luck.

[alphamale]

Oh, come on Alpha, why is that so hard to imagine? It´s two different kinds of loves

but both are equally important and both need to be cultivated in their own way.

trust me, if there was a single mom and one of her kids was drowning along with the man she's dating and she could only save one then she would save the former...

 

That is the reality, period

[marlena]

I, for one, would NOT date a guy who has young kids.. not that I don't like kids.. I just don't want to be 'second'... that's all..

 

Neither would I Lizzie at this point. But I would much rather date someone who is divorced with grown kids than someone who is single and has never had kids. I feel the first would understand me better.

 

The same with the OP. She needs to meet someone who understands what it feels like to be a parent. Or someone who will love her so much that he will accept her kids and learn to love them.

[alphamale]

if i had a nickel for every time a single mother said to me "my kids come first" i would have $100.

 

its a big turn-off when they say that. its like saying that the best i can hope for is playing second fiddle.

[marlena]

Alpha,

 

Maybe when you have kids you will feel differently. It´s not a question of first or second, it´s just a different kind of love..each with its own needs. Not fair to compare.

[Enema]

I guess my question is, when this happens am I putting off the impression that I am looking for a daddy for my kids?

 

I don't think you're giving this impression.

 

You just need to accept that a hefty portion of the dating population doesn't want to be involved with a single mom and that's a perfectly reasonable choice.

 

Your dating life is going to be harder than an unencumbered person, but I think it's great you mention the kids straight away so you're not playing games.

[Thornton]

Alpha,

 

Maybe when you have kids you will feel differently. It´s not a question of first or second, it´s just a different kind of love..each with its own needs. Not fair to compare.

 

Perhaps in that case the mother shouldn't be saying "My kids will always come first"... because surely in some circumstances the kids would come first, while in others the relationship would come first. Alpha is right: saying "My kids always come first" is equivalent to saying "You will always come second". It's a huge turn off, and it means she will never be willing to make compromises for the sake of the relationship because the kids will always get their own way regardless of the circumstances.

[nittygritty]

Try dating single fathers that are a good parent to their own kid(s). You'll be at a similiar life stage and share that in common.

 

Don't look for potential dates in bars.

[jennifer4]

I don't think I've ever had to come out and say "my kids will always come first". I think most men know that already. If they don't we normally don't make it to a first date. I don't like to date men with no kids or who've never been married because I feel they won't understand my situation as well. But I have and probably will still do so. It's all a game of chance really. I haven't given up hope that one day I will meet a guy who gets me.

[lucy9216]

Sounds like just a regular conversation, nothing at all out of the ordinary. I can't really say why he felt the need to bolt. It may have been something his friend said - not about you, but maybe, "Hey, there are two chickies over there I've been chatting up and one of them wants to meet you!" or something like that.

 

Regardless, I wouldn't sweat it. I think you handled it perfectly well.

 

Doing anything tonight?

 

Having a gourmet meal of macorini and cheese, wanna join

 

Seriously though, got a lot of good feedback from everyone thank you. It is difficult being a single mom and trying to date because not only am I looking for someone I can be happy with but someone I can trust around my kids. I don't ever tell a guy that my kids always come first, because it can give off the wrong impression but my girls are my life they are young and they depend on me to be there for them and take care of them, in a sense they do come first but in a different way like marlena was saying it is a different kind of love, so neither one would necessarily come before the other because it is a different kind of love and attention that you would give to your partner rathar than to your kids. I think that any guy who gets involved with a woman who has kids should know that.

 

My ex whom I had my youngest daughter with did leave me because he felt like I didn't save enough love for him. I was working, going to school, taking care of two kids. He normmally came home from work at about the kids bedtime so when he got home yes I was drained, it was never that I didn't love him or didn't want to be with him I was just tired and that does make me sad because I do miss him and the single world is scary.

 

I do put out there right away that I have kids as a courtesy to the guy, he should know and to also protect myself. I don't want to become emotionally involved with someone than tell him 3 or 4 weeks later hey btw I have two kids then he bolts.

 

And another question was how old am I? I am 29, I do look like I am in my early 20's so I do get hit on alot by younger guys. The older ones that I talk to are more accepting of the fact that I have kids but they also seem to want to get serious too fast.