lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 me and wife have been togather for 8 years married 5. we have had hard times before and never got them resolved. she texted me saying she wanted to spit up. i wanted to talk about it and so we went to coucler for a while. not face to face but seperate. there were some problems before about me talking to another woman but she doesnt belive it was for advice. and i found her talking to another man and she says it was for advice. i stoped talking to woman when she asked me too. she told me she would 5 times but didnt till now. i had a hard time leaving her and giving her space that she asked for and i got the dredded i love you but not inlove with you line. and this is very hard for me to cope with. we have two boys 3 and 1. now im staying out of the house and only seeing them. its only been about 4 days but this is very hard for me to deal with. i dont want us to devorice but i want the dust to settle. i can type more details if anyone has questions but i dont know what to do right now. she told me i need to get my **** togather being i dont have a job and when she was pregs i worked two jobs while she didnt work. but now its more about space i guess. and she want me to show her i can step up and provide which really hurt me after everything i have done for her and the faimly. dont know what to do right now.
tojaz Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 The more details the better, have a look at some of the other threads and see if you find a situation similar to yours, lots of good advice here. TOJAZ
Author lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 been checking other stuff here good tips. but the details are i got cought talking to someone and she did too. i stoped with it, she didnt. she asked for space alot of times but me leaving to me is its over and done with no chance. but to her i guess its different. i really know now what to do and thats put her out of my mind no matter how hard it is. focus on me and kids pick my sef up and drive on. i really do want to be with her. but details. she would leave everyweekedn with or without kids and she says to get away from me. i really had no were to go when she asked for space. now i do and i left. i just got to wait it out i guess and see how it goes. any tips on what not or what to do would be best. new at this space crap so i dont know what to do or say. i brought her flowers hyesterday to see the kids and tell her i was sorry for some of the things i did and said to her but everytime she has made a mistake she didnt say nothing. she has lied alot and made up stories about going somewere alone and found out she was talking to someone else. i dont know how far that went. but anything will hlep right now kind of lost in the sauce.
LisaUk Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Hi, I'm no expert on this, but from what I have gathered on here when someone says I love you but I'm not in love with you, I need space and you know for a fact that she has been talking with another man, it generally means you are looking at least at an emotional affair.(EA) Has she ceased all contact with the other man (OM)? Have a look at the marriagebuilders website, they deal specifically with seperation when infediality is involved. Your best plan of attack right now is to give her the space she requests and do not try and reason with her or ask for another chance. You need to show her you are ok without her, I know you're not, you know you're not, but as far as she is concerned you have to look like you are ok, you would like to work on your marriage but if she is not willing then you are moving on. I know that feels like it goes against everything you want to do right now, but it seems from those on here, that have reconciled with their spouses to be the only hope you have.
Thaddeus Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 From The Urban Dictionary: I love you but I'm not in love with you Phrase used exclusively by shallow self-absorbed individuals who actually have no concept of what it means to love or be loved. Their hearts are vacant and usually associate sex not with a deeply emotional or spiritual experience but rather purely a physical and transient act involving no emotion. Such individuals are limited in both intellect and in normal socialization skills. People who use this overused cliche usually suffer from a combination of schizotypal disorder and sociopathy. A catch-all phrase when the person doing the dumping knows there is no reason for the relationship to end, other than for purely selfish reasons of wanting to pursue sexual relations with other individuals outside of the current relationship.\ I love you but I'm not in love with you Translation: I don't love you and I want to experiment with other people.
Author lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 well she worked with the person. i was told he quit working there 2 times and found out he didnt. she said when she told me she went to him for advice that there were feelings there and nothing more. she told me that she has stoped talking to him just simple hellos and thats all. i dont know if i can belive that though. what does emotional affair mean anyway. and now im moving on trying hard not to talk or see or even think of her. im still angry about the things she did. like leaving at 1045 one night and not comming back till 130 after we had talked then she broke down and told me she didnt know what she was doing. then she said if we didnt work out that would be someone she would think about dating and that hurt me alot and really pissed me off. now i know to just leave it be. been looking at websites for a week or so now and read alot of things but nothing matchs my situation. and its hard for me to look at it from a different angle.
Author lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 thats what i said, loving but no being in love means you want to go somewere else i dont know she didnt say anything. but 'i dont know'. in a way i want to see other people but i also want it to work between us. i guess i need to give it some time and ask her what she means by that. does she want to explore other people or what does she want when she says that.
LisaUk Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 An EA is put simply an affair that has not turned physical yet. That's how I define it anyway. The fact she said she would consider dating this guy if you split, suggests she has feelings that she would like to expand upon to me.
Author lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 i figured that out when she said it and it made me very angry. i dont know what she will do during our seperation and i dont know what to say or ask her. its only day 5.
LisaUk Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Have a look for threads by Owl or Trustinyourself, they will get you on the right track. The problem is, and we have all been where you are in this sense, you are playing catch up. Your wife has been in the loop for some time, so to speak, you on the other hand are in shock. You have to get up to speed and quick if you want any chance of turning this round.
tojaz Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 i figured that out when she said it and it made me very angry. i dont know what she will do during our seperation and i dont know what to say or ask her. its only day 5. Get ahead of the curve bud, start reading, learning, and fast! It took me weeks to start working at it. Start here http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Busting-Step-Step-Approach/dp/0671797255 http://www.amazon.com/Reconcilable-Differences-Andrew-Christensen/dp/1572305096/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1248635762&sr=8-1 http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Back-Together-Reconcile-Partner/dp/1593374933/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1248635802&sr=8-1
MrMayI Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 just try and keep yourself together when around her. if you really don't want it, the last thing you want to do is try and reason with her right now. hope for the best. prepare for the worst. really try and focus on yourself and your kids.
Author lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 dont have the money atm to get books or i would. but i will take anyones advice. i know now and im learing more and more each day from here what to do. or whats best. i know now. give her up. dont think about it put a smile on my face and look forward for me. dont worry about wtf she is doing or saying. pick myself up and show her that i can be a new person and if she cant then drop it for good. if i get used to living without her then i can live without her. ive been a hombody for 6+ year s and i dont know where to start. kind of sad now i relize i dont know who i am anymore and i have to relearn it. i know to leave her alone and not call or anything unless to talk to kids. i just dont know what to do with myself. guess ill figure it in time. ive read alot of post by trust and gunny and alot of there advice really matches my situation in a way. but there advice is great and maby it will work for the best but guess ill see. maby i can update here when i figure more crap now. but for now im still lost just know to leave her the F alone and get my life back toagther.
tojaz Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 http://www.divorcebusting.com/ First chapter is on line, and Gunny posted the 180. Go to borders, nobody actually buys anything there anyways, grab a coffee and make a day of it. TOJAZ
Author lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 yea i read gunnys 180's and i have not been doing most of them. meaning i was doing the things hee said not to do. and slowly watched her drift. i thought it was best at that time. but it wasnt. the borders thing sounds great. didnt think of that. just nice to see ppl relplying ive gone to parents friends and never got any advice other than f her drop that crap get her crap out of the house and leave. they dont have to live with the decisions i make i do.
LisaUk Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Try the libary as well! You are right, you need to get yourself together, that's the essence of it and hopefully when she notices she will want to come along for the ride. I know it sucks, but it is your best shot.
Author lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 so i should just leave her alone. dont call, do nothing like we never been togather in the first place? thats hard. really i never seen anything like this before and its shocking and confusing. i know to take care of me and if she likes it she will come back but i dont know if i want a marriage where if one of us falls down we cant help each other.
lupa Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 so i should just leave her alone. dont call, do nothing like we never been togather in the first place? thats hard. really i never seen anything like this before and its shocking and confusing. i know to take care of me and if she likes it she will come back but i dont know if i want a marriage where if one of us falls down we cant help each other. Then be prepared to have your ass kicked repeatedly over the next few months until you get it. I'm just over the 3 month mark since my fiasco started, and I did everything I thought a loving husband would do -- I accepted some fault, I was honest, I tried to clear the air and move on together, and each thing just pushed her farther away. You have to know, not think, but KNOW that your wife has been taken over by some psychotic monster that now controls her thoughts. This monster, if you are willing to play the game, can be defeated, but it consists of you doing the 180 (see Michele Weiner-Davis) and moving on for yourself. There is a chance you can make it back with her. Trust me when I tell you that I was fully in love with my wife, if a little disappointed with some of her behaviors over time. I drifted a little away, she felt neglected, and she went looking for attention elsewhere. It was nothing physical, from what I can tell, but I could be wrong. It was emotional and it was inappropriate and hurt me badly. So, I thought because I was fully in love with her, I tried to reason, talk, convince, everything. After month #3, and 6 weeks with her moved out, I'm now scheduling a date for thursday night. I clean the house now, I cut the grass, I organize the garage, I take out the trash, I buy food and cook it, I take care of the cats, I handle bills and finances, I make plans with friends, I do the laundry, I go to work, I look at new cars, I buy new clothes, I...I...I... Notice a pattern? Only took me three months to figure out. Also, I still get very upset, things set me off, I'm not over her and probably never will be, but the word "us" is slowly disappearing from my vocabulary. I need to get my head and my ass wired back together, but it happens slowly. I can't give you any words of wisdom how to make it happen, other than I've set my feet in motion before the rest of me became ready, and a lot of the time I backslide and get screwed up. But, I'm moving, slowly, and working on ME. I hope this makes sense now, because in about three months if you were to come back and read it, you'd start to understand what I'm saying.
tojaz Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Go take a gander at my threads My Story, and The Rest of My Story or at Lupas Apart and Shaken. we made the wrong moves to start and payed dearly, learn from our mistakes!!
hopesndreams Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 You still have to deal with her in some capacity for the kids and when you do, be pleasant, smile often, listen if she talks but do not, do not say anything in regards to your marriage and that you love her. Show her you can stand on your own 2 feet and that you are not an emotional mess. Cry privately, never in front of her, it will only show your weakness and people don't want to be around those that are weak. She is looking or has perhaps found someone else to get to know and to see what happens with him. If things don't work out in that department and she comes running back to you, no matter how much you want to, do not get back with her until she shows complete remorse for hurting you. If she does not do this, she will only do what she is doing again somewhere down the line and then you will just have to relive the nightmare. We tend to lose ourselves in a marriage. It's time to find out who you are again. Work on yourself, very important, and she will notice positive changes in you. Whether that will be enough or not is down to her. You can't make her want you back. You have no control of her actions, only your own.
Author lastout_82 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 thx hopes every little bit helps i know now. im going to get my job strait. find me an apt.. call her and say i want whatever is mine in the house written down so i can come and pick it up. when she ask why i can say to put in my apt. and move on. i dont know if she wants to be with that guy she had a EA with. i dont think she knows. but before i find out my **** will be togather and i have already started moving on. i dont know the rules during a seperation. we are still married. so i dont know what i can and cant do like dating. maby **** will be ok in a few months but she will have to relize how she made me feel while she was talking to him. and i wont say sht about it she will have to. that sound any better?
hopesndreams Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Don't tell her you are moving on, just do it. Let her notice. Actions speak louder than words. Besides, are you sure or unsure about saving your marriage? If you want her back, dating others will get you nowhere and fast. Remember, this is all about you now. You want her? Fight for her, quietly, make necessary changes to yourself and start being your own person. Get the job, the apartment, be a good dad and if things don't work out with her, you have made positive steps to living without her.
Author lastout_82 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 exactly moving on. being better. but what should i do if i find out she is seeing other people which i kind of see comming. she was talking to someone while we were togather what would stop her now. and yes i want this to work more than anything not just for myself or her but for kids. i still love her dearly but i know its my time now. or should i just not even worrie about what she does and not care. i dont know really. it would upset me if i found out she was but i dont know.
TrustInYourself Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Nothing will stop her, especially if you try to stop her. You can not force her to do anything. Your only course of action is to forget, forgive, and live for your own life. Right now, you rip the codependence out of yourself. You face the pain. You face the truth. I'm very removed from all of this. It's been a year since my reconciliation and things are working out. You want results? You want advice? You know what to do. Just do it. Stop moping around. Get your life together and press on. Outlook is 100% of the battle. Live for the future, rather than the past.
Author lastout_82 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 moving on and pressing forward i will. moping around i have stoped i did do that for a while and she seen it. i used to feel like crap and it showed. now i might hide it inside but im moving on and moving forward. but should i open a dialog with her next time i see her about that. should i ask her if thats what she wants to do or is it better left alone.
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