Hello

[Steve_London]

I need a new forum to post my life stuff on, for support and to vent....

 

So hello!

 

Well, my story..... here goes.

 

I'd been in a long distance relationship for 6 years, me in the uk, her usa, until november 2007. In nov 2007 i left the uk to be with her for 3 months, to make sure we got on ok, then we would marry and we'd go from there. We had split up once in dec 2006, only to get back together the following march. That time it had come as a shock to me, i didn't think things were perfect but i had no idea she had wanted to split up, and for 2 months i was lost, i only had had one plan, to be with her, and slowly i got over the pain and began to plan a holiday, a change of job, and to move on. Then she texted me after 3 months of us split, and we got on great, i used my holiday to go see her again, she explained that she needed me to make me happy by myself first, so i did, i went off and started drumming again in a band, and i was doing ok.

She had also started a sort of relationship with someone she had met for real but it was mostly online- he was from germany.

That went nowhere and i see now as soon as that happened she missed me.

 

Anyway, i was happy, i'd got her back, we married.

I thought a lot of the mistakes we had both made were now forgotten. But some of the things we SHOULD have talked about we didn't.

 

Anyway, nov 07, i went over there, everything was good. We thought I'd have to come back to the uk, but we went to see a lawyer and he said no, stay, so i did. I had run out of money though as i hadn't planned to stay that long, but she had a new job and said we'd be ok.

 

That's kinda where it started to go wrong. I was sat at her home with no money, already having been there 3 months on sort of holiday but not….. and then after 5 months my work permit card came.

I had been bored so was glad, but everyone knows looking for work is hard anyway, and it took another 3 months to find a job- this is Oklahoma City, I was new to America work, I had to work out how to change my cv to a resume, had no US work experience, couldn’t find jobs I was qualified to do, and had to rely on her for transport or the limited bus services.

3 Months later I got a job, after lots of stress and some anger from her (she called one day and said I had a week to find a job or pack my bags- like I was sat on my arse not looking!!

I got a job through Adecco, in a mailroom for a law firm. It was temp to perm, I got made perm, but I hated it, I was way over qualified and bored, and very lonely, I didn’t know anyone in Oklahoma and the culture is so different. I like Oklahoma, and I like America, but I was lost, I had no friends and my social life was non existent, I was stuck pretty much to my wife, and we didn’t go out much.

 

And it started to go downhill between us, we didn’t REALLY talk about things.

I texted her from work, and a few times, I tried to tell her I was homesick and miserable, but we didn’t have the money to let me go home until we were both going to London in November, so I would stick it out.. and she didn’t seem to really care OR give me support, she said when I wanted to look for a new job, so long as I made money, she didn’t care.

Money was a major point of contention… as soon as I got a job we put my wages into her account and made it a joint one… in name only really. She wouldn’t get me a card, she didn’t trust me not to spend all our money. I let it go.

She gave me 30 dollars a week for lunches, and that was it. I would use the card at weekends sometime to go to the store to get breakfast food or coke, but that was it….

 

I just got more and more unhappy. She said I snored and was having trouble sleeping, and slept some nights on the couch… then it became all the time. I hated that… I tried to sleep on the couch, taking turns, but I woke with bad back ache and she didn’t, so we didn’t so that much. Which made her angry. She texted me one day saying she wanted her bed back, I was like I never made you go to the couch! She said no but you didn’t stop me either!

 

Our sex life was a bit routine, she was lazy and let me do everything…. Again we didn’t talk about it much, I didn’t know how to get that conversation going with her…

So we did what we always did there.

 

Grocery shopping was a nightmare, I knew she was always ****ed off with how much it cost…. I was at a loss, food shopping I usually enjoy, but she made it awful.

I wanted to look around stores, not always to spend, but sometimes…. But I couldn’t do that.

Most of the time I was happy to just BE with her, I loved her…. But I couldn’t understand why she was being how she was with me.

 

Anyway…. We would both spend a lot of time online or watching tv. I wanted to hang out with her, be a couple, like we were at first, but she didn’t seem to want to hold me or snuggle….

We had a stepdaughter too (hers) 14 years old, so I spent most of the time either fending her off or messing around with her, watching tv unless I was tired or fed up and I’d watch tv in the bedroom.

But US just seemed to be going wrong, it wasn’t at all how I wanted us to be.

I felt like I was always waiting… I was there, why didn’t she come and be with me or talk to me…..

And I resented the money issue.

 

Eventually she joined another online forum that I wasn’t a member of, which was fine, but she found someone else on there…. Started to text and call him.. without me knowing. I woke early one morning and after she’d gone to work, I snooped and found her pming him about me being away and them meeting, he’d said in one of them “I can’t wait to feel your soft lips on mine”. I felt sick. This was MY WIFE!

I KNEW something was up, but I didn’t think she’d do that to me!

 

So I called her at work, she said it was serious, he was everything I wasn’t, I packed my bags and got a plane home.

 

There’s lots of details I left out there, I’ll add more later….

 

But anyway, that was 5 weeks ago, middle of june. I have struggled to find work back in London, am living with my parents, HATE it, want out, need money…. For the 1st 4 weeks I was a mess, I pmed her, emailed her… I was a needy girl, all upset.. she was angry.

I couldn’t leave her alone, though I tried. I was in grief.

She said if I’d have left her alone she might have been able to think about if we had a chance still or not, but as I hadn’t, no we were over. Like what crap anyway, she betrayed my trust and was going to cheat on me, and is happy with this new guy anyway, she said a few awful things to me about me, she was awful!

 

I don’t hate her, but I am very angry at her and though no I don’t want a divorce, I feel that in the long run it’s for the best. BUT I know if she emailed or called or whatever, I’d be happy and I’d talk to her and want her…. I loved her and still do.

 

But I’m trying to focus on me… I need work, have been temping a bit. I want to move out to a flat, am adapting to the uk again, though I hate it here…. And am gonna join the local gym to get fit and work off some anger.

 

We’re not talking, we’re not friends, and I took her off my friends list on facebook.

It is hard, and I miss her and I miss our life, not all of it… I don’t miss what a moody **** she was or stepping on eggshells around her moods… I don’t miss the boring job I had…. But I am annoyed that this happened, this was my wife and my life, I moved out there and coped with a lot of changes to be with HER. My green card situation is ****ed, so I’m back to being a visitor, and my life has changed AGAIN due to her finding some fool to mess with, when *I* loved her more than anything.

She says I never listened to her. I bloody did.

She says a lot of things….

 

Anyway….. that’s some of my story.

I’m 38 and kinda ****ed off!!

[MrMayI]

not to make light of your situation, but i would be happy as hell if my wife were that far away from me right now.

[LisaUk]

Hi Steve, welcome back to the UK! How is London? I miss it, I am back with my parents also in Devon, since my ex left me, I know how hard that is, I'm 33 no job at present, it's s***e isn't it!

 

Ok, so I know you are in alot of pain right now, I was at first as well, still am a bit, but it does ease off, it really does.

 

Would you say your W was controlling? Only what you say about her keeping you in pocket money, essentially, sound controlling. Was she like this with other stuff to?

 

Keep posting, everyone here is great, we're all in the same boat and we will all paddle together!

[Steve_London]

Hi Steve, welcome back to the UK! How is London? I miss it, I am back with my parents also in Devon, since my ex left me, I know how hard that is, I'm 33 no job at present, it's s***e isn't it!

 

Ok, so I know you are in alot of pain right now, I was at first as well, still am a bit, but it does ease off, it really does.

 

Would you say your W was controlling? Only what you say about her keeping you in pocket money, essentially, sound controlling. Was she like this with other stuff to?

 

Keep posting, everyone here is great, we're all in the same boat and we will all paddle together!

 

London's ok....same as it ever was.

 

Yes i would say she was controlling- especially with the money thing.

She has led a different life to me, always having to save and never much money... but even though i pretty much came from an easy life- i was back at home before i went over there, out of necessity, i couldn't afford to live on my own, i tried.... i was and am able to be a responsible adult mature person, and she never even let me show that.

 

We had many ups and downs, but whereas i saw things as simple mistakes that everyone is allowed to make, she saw it all as me being selfish, not putting her first, not thinking......

and any time she was annoyed, EVERYTHING got brought up, every thing i had ever done wrong.

 

The bottom line for me is despite everything, i had proved my commitment and love by going all the way over there, giving up a lot of my life here, to be with her, and to marry her.

What more does someone want? I was in a miserable situation, but at any time she could have made me feel ok but holding me and telling me it'd all be ok, kiss me.. i'd have lived with far more for that.

But she didn't want me anymore, i wasn't being whatever she wanted me to be.

She's wanted me to make her feel like the most important thing in the world to me, and she WAS that to me, but i was unhappy and *I* needed her to be with me, but she rarely really was.

She didn't like me using her pc, she didn't really want me in her space.

And this had been an issue before.

I didn't feel like i existed sometimes.

 

And yet despite all the bad things i can say about it all and her.... i still love her and wish we were talking and making a go of it again.

She was the most fun I have ever had for a long time, sexy as all hell, just gorgeous.... funny, intelligent.... i adored her.

[Steve_London]

Here's one of the best bits of our marriage:

 

Whilst I couldn't work, and had no money, she paid all the bills, food, etc... I wasn't demanding, i didn't ask for anything, and if and when i did (usually food), i hated having to ask.

There was NEVER any talk of "Ok I'll pay all the bills etc but then it's your turn". I was like sure when I have a job then I pay for a few meals out n things....

SO. I manage to get a job, **** pay (6.90 an hour), no chance of overtime, so she earned more than me and i couldn't make any more than i got paid.

 

She was gonna cheat, i found out, **** you, i left.

My plane ticket cost 1300 dollars. The last we talked, i "owed her" for all that time I COULDN'T work, and she agreed that i should pay her back for the plane ticket (i agree to that) but she seems to think I owe her a bunch more money.

 

Now, I'm a generous person anyway and to me it's JUST money, so in time I will pay her a few thousand dollars- about 3... but wtf! I OWE her?

Is THAT love?

I don't think so.

 

The more I write this crap down, the better i feel, the less i want her and more i say **** her.

I was in lust with her, i WAS in love with her until we got married and it got ****.

 

AND she took 1 and a half xanax when we married, and had doubts a friend told me. I wish she'd done me a favour and said so.

 

Life here now in London may be kinda depressing, but eventually I will be at a better place and be happier, and not having to put up with her crap.

 

She told me she didn't want to hurt me anymore last time we pm'ed. Too late for that.

 

I am actually doing ok, it's just some days are harder than others.

Today, right now, I am like **** that, I am better off, she doesn't deserve me.

 

Where's miss right? I'm mr right, I'll make your world spin baby!!

[LisaUk]

She sounds rather immature to me. You were in a marriage, you were not working, but not because you are a bum, but because of the circumstances. No, she has no right IMHO to ask for any money, you were a partnership, you don't owe her, and if I may say if she cheated, let her pay the air fare!