sxyNYCcpl Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Sexual addiction has nothing to do with how compatible two people are sexually. It has to do with how the sex is affecting the life of the individual with the addiction. For example, if a couple came in and the wife wanted to have sex 4 times a month and the husband 25, that is not a sexual addiction 1.) because the man's desires are within societal norm for the US 2.) it is not causing marked impairment in social, financial, physical, or emotional contexts. It could very well be that the wife has Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder! (I admit, I've never used that! lol) But really, sexual desire incompatibility alone does not warrant a dx. Do people like that use the label incorrectly? Yes. All the time. The same way people use Schizophrenia and Bipolar incorrectly. In this scenario, where the couple has mismatched desires for sexual frequency, it may not meet any clinical standard as an addiction or even as a problem, but a couple who is as different as you have described will almost certainly have a real world problem, if not a clinical one. The reason I poo-poo the idea of sexual addiction in the first place is because online forums such as this one, and more to the point forums dedicated to porn and/or sexual "addiction" are chock full of men who have been labeled by their wives as being addicts and yet almost certainly are not in any clinical sense. There is one forum that I visit occasionally that has in it's TOS that in order to participate you must believe that ANY use of pornography at all by anyone is by definition unhealthy under any circumstances. Were you to go to an online forum dedicated to helping those whose spouses are alcoholics and declare that yours was in fact an alcoholic because once or twice a month they went out and had a few beers with the boys, you would get laughed out of the place. However, go to any anti-porn addiction site and describe a similar level of usage of porn as the aforementioned casual drinker and there will be no shortage of others who will be glad to eviscerate them as the worst, most perverted kind of sex addict to walk the face of the planet. The biggest problem I have with many of the proponents of "sexual addiction" as a concept is that they make no effort to discriminate between use and abuse. Be it dirty pictures, fantasies that offend, flirtiness, or even casual, but appropriate and non-sexual relationships with members of the opposite sex, the standards of the low desire partner are never questioned no matter how ridiculous and unrealistic they are, and their self-diagnosis of their partners as addicts is accepted as a given. I've seen examples of women who will go from counselor to counselor to counselor because they don't like it when they are informed that their husbands behaviors and attitudes are normal and do not rise to the level of requiring intervention. Which is why my answer to the OP of this thread is that we don't have enough info to advise her on a course of action. Why does this man describe himself as an addict? Was he labeled an "addict" by his porn-hating ex-gf because he subscribes to Playboy? Or by his sex-hating ex-wife because he wanted sex more often than twice a year? Perhaps he masturbates on a regular basis, but at a frequency that falls well within "normal" human behavior, but his parents pounded into his head that masturbation is a sin and is evil and so he has declared himself an addict because of it? Or is he a compulsive masturbator who starts pulling on his pud just about every time he believes he is alone and not being observed? Because I guarantee you all of these examples have been labeled as an "addict" by someone at one point in time or another, and to my way of thinking only the latter example is indicative of a genuine problem, whether it's labeled as an addiction or not. Welcome to the conversation, but as most of the rest of us are not clinicians your use of insider lingo is a little much. ETOH? CBT? NOS? No idea what you are saying!
Author SM22 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Wow great responses! So here is some more information. He said he has issues with women and that they are his "weakness" He has a hard time concentrating at work He hasnt had any long term relationships the longest being 3 months (he is 29) Basically the entire chat he was asking me personal sexual questions that I felt uncomfortable answering...but he was ok with telling me all this. He then invites me to come by his place and tells me he knows what i would like and how to please me. I tell him no and then he said he was just joking. He asked me to masterbate on webcam lol I said no...he said no big deal. I honestly think this is a real problem for him because he kept saying he feels ashamed and guilty most days. Yet he said he cannot stop himself. I asked if he liked the women he was sleeping with, and he said generally no...as long as he is turned on around them, he will sleep with them. This guy is so damn smooth though. That is what amazes me cuz he doesnt come off as desperate but more cool and calm. Almost to the point that he assumes you want him. Obviously I am avoiding him like the plague now...just found it interesting.
JustLooking123 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Wow. I hope you are running away, far and fast!
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