I wrote him an email...

[pandagirl]

When I got home, I realized even though we left it as "we'll talk in a bit, and maybe we can be friends," I knew this was not something I wanted at all.

 

So I wrote him this email. Yes, it may have been too generous, but it is completely honest and how I feel. I wrote it solely for myself and to fully express how I was feeling:

 

I am unable to verbalize things very well (hence, I am a writer)... I know we said we'd just take some time off and see what happens in terms of friendship, but I just can't and don't want to.

 

I'm sure you suspected as much, but I was developing feelings for you. I didn't even fully really realize it until after I got home, but I was sad. Whomever I bring into my life, I care about. And it goes for whomever I choose to keep in my life.

 

You said something about how it feels empty to have a relationship without feelings and I totally agree. Platonic or romantic, my relationships with the people in my life are always meaningful and I care about them very, very much. Intellectually, I guard my heart, but I'm unfortunately one of those people who can't control what they feel -- at all. My heart tends to bleed easily and profusely, despite my commands to do otherwise. This is probably why I am never able to be friends with people I've dated, because I inevitably do end up caring too much and when it's not reciprocal, it hurts.

 

I'm still glad I met you, but I'm sorry we never got to know each other better. I can tell you're a person with a good heart; that's what attracted me to you. It's the number one quality I look for in people. But from what you revealed today, you don't care about me on any level that is worth keeping each other in our lives. Sure, we could get a beer once in a while and shoot the ****, but those kinds of relationships don't interest me anymore.

 

Maybe I don't need to say all this based on our short time knowing each other, but I too often hold back what I'm really feeling. Plus, it's not right to just disappear. I think you're a special person, with the capacity to do whatever you want in life. I hope you know that. I'll miss knowing you.

[Hkizzle]

Is he really a guy with a good heart? Seems like from your other posts he was just a guy that wanted to position himself in a way where he can see two girls casually at the same time. Once you said you weren't up for that he totally lost interest.

 

That's a player's reaction.......

[pandagirl]

Is he really a guy with a good heart? Seems like from your other posts he was just a guy that wanted to position himself in a way where he can see two girls casually at the same time. Once you said you weren't up for that he totally lost interest.

 

That's a player's reaction.......

 

I think he does have a good heart and I stand by that. I think he is pretty effed up, stupid and lacking emotionally maturity, but yes, I think he is a good person.

 

I can't blame him for losing interest. This is dating. You're not going to fall in love with everyone you date. I do think the way he handled the situation wasn't ideal, but maybe I should start thinking about what you guys are saying more carefully.

[garnet]

I have a feeling you may see this differently after a little time passes. He was not honest with you during this whole process. Why was he messing around with you the other night if he didn't have feelings for you? Does that really make him such a "special person"?

 

I'm going to bow out of the discussion now. Being a kind person is a good thing...but sometimes I think you're too nice.

[hoping2heal]

I don't think he's all that much of a good guy either. However, I relate Panda because I have done the same thing. When I care about someone, I don't speak ill of them, that doesn't mean I need to be in love with them either. It's just how it works, I often don't see the bad in people, even when it's very evident. Once I care about someone, they are a special person to me. However, once enough time passes, I see them for what they are and I realise the "good person" or "good heart" label was all in my head.

[redhighheels]

I hope you're feeling better for getting it off your chest, but he really doesn't deserve that email.

 

He's not a good person, panda. I know it's easy to get blurry vision because you liked him and enjoyed his company, but check it. A person with integrity and decency is upfront to the people in his life. What if you haven't asked him if he was seeing someone else? Would he have come clean on his own? He's having sex with another woman and he didn't bother telling her, so I doubt that. The whole we're-not-exclusive-so-I-don't-own-you-any-explanations is a bullsh*t excuse convieniently used by people only when it benefits them. Someone with a shred of decency wouldn't wait to be asked and then go "Oh funny you should ask that because yes, I am f*ing someone else". C'mon now.

 

Also, he really wanted to meet today after you made your position clear just so that he can be the one to break up with you. How immature is that? Oh, please allow me to dump you so that my fragile ego doesn't get bruised! I don't care how many issues he have, they're not an excuse for common decency.

 

Delete him from your life, go NC, you know the drill. And give yourself a pat on the back for not sleeping with him. You deserve better than this.

[Jilly Bean]

He was a total douchebag, PG, and I really hope you didn't send the email.

 

Fine to write something out like that for your own sense of closure, but he didn't deserve another piece of you. He really didn't. Not after the way he behaved.

 

I think sometimes you are way, way too nice, to the point of this odd inability to see the bad in anyone, even when it is blantant and they have treated you poorly.

 

You are still defending him, much as you did the tool last year who was stringing you along for his own ego gratification.

 

These men don't deserve you, and I'd love to see you man up a bit when it comes to romance. Maybe we need to send you to a bitch101 boot camp or something.

[pandagirl]

I have a feeling you may see this differently after a little time passes. He was not honest with you during this whole process. Why was he messing around with you the other night if he didn't have feelings for you? Does that really make him such a "special person"?

 

I'm going to bow out of the discussion now. Being a kind person is a good thing...but sometimes I think you're too nice.

 

He was messing around with me, because he could and I wanted to, also. I probably would see things differently if I had been having sex with him (ie., I'd be PISSED), but I knew better than to have sex with him before having a talk.

 

I think he is a special person in the sense is he incredibly bright, an amazing musician, and sees the world through a unique set of eyes. He's just not like anyone else I know in that sense. Yeah, he acted poorly, but I do believe he will get his **** together one day.

 

Also, I wanted him to know I cared. This was for me. I tend to play aloof a lot, and act like I'm not affected. Being in therapy for the past year, I've learned I've learned that being honest with your emotions and feeling is a GOOD thing. I've always bit my tongue in that sense, and I've always regretted it.

 

Maybe you're right. Maybe I am too nice. But I also know what I want, and I don't want him in my life.

[garnet]

These men don't deserve you, and I'd love to see you man up a bit when it comes to romance. Maybe we need to send you to a bitch101 boot camp or something.

 

Absolutely! I couldn't agree more.

[Cora]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this panda. I know how it feels and it SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!!! You are so strong though and I admire you for that. Keep your head up and hang in there.

[pandagirl]

 

Delete him from your life, go NC, you know the drill. And give yourself a pat on the back for not sleeping with him. You deserve better than this.

 

I deleted him from my phone, deleted every email he's ever sent me, etc. I don't want any reminders of him at all. Facebook will be next. (Oh, stupid Facebook.) And throwing away everything he lent or gave me.

 

He was a total douchebag, PG, and I really hope you didn't send the email.

 

Fine to write something out like that for your own sense of closure, but he didn't deserve another piece of you. He really didn't. Not after the way he behaved.

 

I think sometimes you are way, way too nice, to the point of this odd inability to see the bad in anyone, even when it is blantant and they have treated you poorly.

 

You are still defending him, much as you did the tool last year who was stringing you along for his own ego gratification.

 

These men don't deserve you, and I'd love to see you man up a bit when it comes to romance. Maybe we need to send you to a bitch101 boot camp or something.

 

I did send it... I don't see it as him getting another piece of me though. As I explain in another post on this thread, I really did it for myself.

 

TBF, you're right. I have that odd inability to see the bad in anyone. It's this thing in me that has always been present. I guess I just can't imagine anyone having ill intentions towards me or taking advantage of me. It just never crosses my mind.

 

I think its interesting that everyone seems to think I'm too nice on this board. It's so interesting to me, because, besides my good friends, you guys actually know what makes me tick. I remember a friend of me said to me sadly, "You have the biggest heart of anyone I know." I never even thought that I did until she mentioned it, and though it sounds like a compliment, she actually meant it as a handicap. People who don't know me really well would never know I am a big ole sap, because I often times act so tough.

 

Ugh, I'm tearing up now. Why do I effing care about these stupid people so much??

[pandagirl]

You are still defending him, much as you did the tool last year who was stringing you along for his own ego gratification.

 

These men don't deserve you, and I'd love to see you man up a bit when it comes to romance. Maybe we need to send you to a bitch101 boot camp or something.

 

Ugh, that guy from last year. I don't talk to him anymore, but you know what? I'd still defend him.

 

You guys are making me realize little by little that this guy does suck, and what he did was wrong. We have a completely different value set about what we think is right and wrong.

 

Thanks for knocking some sense into me. I feel like you guys genuinely care about me, and it's really nice.

[Jilly Bean]

It's OK - go ahead and tear.

 

I wonder if some if it is cultural. Asian women tend to be raised to be more passive and acquiescent. So, I wonder if the women in your life have taught you to be so accommodating, or, if innately, you are just too nice.

 

Gosh, what a horrible thing to accuse someone of! Being too nice! (sidebar)

 

But, I do think sometimes it works to your detriment, PG.

 

Just like the extreme of being too mistrustful or mean can be damaging, so can being too nice and sweet.

 

I'm going to be in NY in two weeks. We may have to meet for PG training. lol

 

Seriously though, you care because you want what you put out in return. Totally normal. And you have every right to be upset when it doesn't work out.

 

Still - I'd be happy to see you protect yourself a bit more, rather than always be so exposed and reactive to what these dudes throw at you.

[pandagirl]

 

TBF, you're right. I have that odd inability to see the bad in anyone. It's this thing in me that has always been present. I guess I just can't imagine anyone having ill intentions towards me or taking advantage of me. It just never crosses my mind.

 

I meant Jillybean, not TBF. Sorry, havent really slept for a week.

[pandagirl]

It's OK - go ahead and tear.

 

I wonder if some if it is cultural. Asian women tend to be raised to be more passive and acquiescent. So, I wonder if the women in your life have taught you to be so accommodating, or, if innately, you are just too nice.

 

Gosh, what a horrible thing to accuse someone of! Being too nice! (sidebar)

 

But, I do think sometimes it works to your detriment, PG.

 

Just like the extreme of being too mistrustful or mean can be damaging, so can being too nice and sweet.

 

I'm going to be in NY in two weeks. We may have to meet for PG training. lol

 

Seriously though, you care because you want what you put out in return. Totally normal. And you have every right to be upset when it doesn't work out.

 

Still - I'd be happy to see you protect yourself a bit more, rather than always be so exposed and reactive to what these dudes throw at you.

 

Hmm, the women in my family are pretty tough cookies! Not at the stereotypical Asian women. They all left Japan because, as my mom says, "What? You think I wanted to just have babies and have a husband cheat one me? I wanted to work!" haha.

 

So, unfortunately, the whole "nice" thing is just innate. I'm probably stuck with it for the rest of my life. It just doesn't happen with dating though, I've definitely been taken advantage of by (former) friends, too.

 

The funny thing, any guy who has ever dated me would never use the words "sweet" or "nice" to describe me. That's not how I come off at all. Usually, I get "intimidating" or "unemotional."

 

JB, we should meet! You can teach me to be a bitch! haha.

[Jilly Bean]

Hmm, the women in my family are pretty tough cookies! Not at the stereotypical Asian women. They all left Japan because, as my mom says, "What? You think I wanted to just have babies and have a husband cheat one me? I wanted to work!" haha.

 

So, unfortunately, the whole "nice" thing is just innate. I'm probably stuck with it for the rest of my life. It just doesn't happen with dating though, I've definitely been taken advantage of by (former) friends, too.

 

The funny thing, any guy who has ever dated me would never use the words "sweet" or "nice" to describe me. That's not how I come off at all. Usually, I get "intimidating" or "unemotional."

 

JB, we should meet! You can teach me to be a bitch! haha.

 

How very Amy Tan! lol.

 

And you're not stuck with any personality trait you want to change.

 

Well, it's not really about being a bitch, it's about being assertive.

 

Example - a few months ago, I had a date set up with someone I met IRL (a cop - we know my weakness - lol). He cancelled dinner the morning of our date, and never offered to reschedule in the VM. So, I never contacted him again. A few weeks later, got an email - ignored it. Flash forward to today, when I hear from him again, and he's asking to take me to dinner. I told him that we had been down the road before, and that he had the chance to date me, and didn't, so once burnt, twice shy. He replied he had too much on his plate (like probably another woman - lol), and that he knew he made a mistake, and if I change my mind, to let him know.

 

Well, I won't. Not because I don't like him, or am trying to be spiteful or bitchy, I just won't let anyone treat me like an option and someone to be cast aside like that.

 

THAT'S the kind of assertiveness I'd like to see you develop a bit more.

[utterer of lies]

When I got home, I realized even though we left it as "we'll talk in a bit, and maybe we can be friends," I knew this was not something I wanted at all.

 

So I wrote him this email. Yes, it may have been too generous, but it is completely honest and how I feel. I wrote it solely for myself and to fully express how I was feeling:

 

I am unable to verbalize things very well (hence, I am a writer)... I know we said we'd just take some time off and see what happens in terms of friendship, but I just can't and don't want to.

 

I'm sure you suspected as much, but I was developing feelings for you. I didn't even fully really realize it until after I got home, but I was sad. Whomever I bring into my life, I care about. And it goes for whomever I choose to keep in my life.

 

You said something about how it feels empty to have a relationship without feelings and I totally agree. Platonic or romantic, my relationships with the people in my life are always meaningful and I care about them very, very much. Intellectually, I guard my heart, but I'm unfortunately one of those people who can't control what they feel -- at all. My heart tends to bleed easily and profusely, despite my commands to do otherwise. This is probably why I am never able to be friends with people I've dated, because I inevitably do end up caring too much and when it's not reciprocal, it hurts.

 

I'm still glad I met you, but I'm sorry we never got to know each other better. I can tell you're a person with a good heart; that's what attracted me to you. It's the number one quality I look for in people. But from what you revealed today, you don't care about me on any level that is worth keeping each other in our lives. Sure, we could get a beer once in a while and shoot the ****, but those kinds of relationships don't interest me anymore.

 

Maybe I don't need to say all this based on our short time knowing each other, but I too often hold back what I'm really feeling. Plus, it's not right to just disappear. I think you're a special person, with the capacity to do whatever you want in life. I hope you know that. I'll miss knowing you.

 

 

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

Sorry, but that was not a very good or clever thing to do.

[pandagirl]

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

Sorry, but that was not a very good or clever thing to do.

 

My point wasn't to be clever.

[Ruby Slippers]

...I just won't let anyone treat me like an option and someone to be cast aside like that.

I have a similar story from a couple of months back. Met a guy in the forest preserve while biking, he approached and got my number, asked me out, flaked on the date. I then deleted his number from my phone. The next time he called, I told him that flaking out without calling or anything was rude and made him seem like a flake. He apologized and gave a lame excuse. He has called me several times since then and left messages. I never return his calls, and I never will.

 

pandagirl, I recommend the book Why Men Marry Bitches. The title is misleading: it doesn't teach you how to be a bitch -- it teaches you the value of being assertive and self-respecting.

[pandagirl]

Panda do yourself a favor please please please NO MORE EMAILS. No more expressing via any means to him what you think or feel. Do yourself a favor leave that guy alone' date=' he does not want to see you anymore and at this point it doesn't really matter what you want out of it, if he does not want anything more to do with you please leave him alone. You are doing yourself a HUGE disservice by continuing to express to him that you are still interested in him. Move on.[/quote']

 

Definitely. I don't want anything to do with him. At all. That email was for myself and provided closure for ME.

 

I've been trying to pinpoint why exactly I am so upset about this whole thing. I was ready to break it off on friday night, except he wanted to "talk" about it the next day, where he ended up really blowing ME off.

 

You know what tears me apart? That he is callous and emotionally vacant. I try to hard to treat people well. I thought I represented myself in a way that deserved respect. The fact that I didn't get it from him, makes me feel disgusted.

 

I told him on our fourth date that I had herpes. That is a very personal thing to share, and made me open to being vulnerable and potentially hurt. Many people choose to withhold this information, because they are selfish, but I am not. Then the fact that I told him this, and he didn't feel compelled to tell me he was seeing someone else AND sleeping with her makes me want to vomit, especially since my disclosing my STD to him was so relevant in our situation -- being intimate with two girls at the same time.

 

You're right everyone, this guy is a doodoo head.

[pandagirl]

People break up like that when they need to break things off with someone who does not want to. He is not a bad person on the break-up alone (I don't know about him or your relationships have not read your other posts) he just needs to send out a clear message which you would not be willing to accept unless he got really cold and distant with you.

 

He more than likely knows you were developing feelings for him your actions must have more than showed him, this is probably why he broke it off with you because he could not give you the same level of emotional care. That doesn't make him a horrible person, you cannot force who you fall in love with, sometimes it happens other times it doesn't. At least he didn't let this drag out for a year pretending like he does care, some people do do that. It's not a reflection of who you are as a person it is a reflection of how he feels as an individual person. I know it hurts but sometimes it is just not meant to be Panda.

 

Totally not meant to be at all.

 

Like I said, it's fine that he didn't feel a certain way about me, but I don't respect that way he omitted information that he should have disclosed.

[saira]

glad u in control hon.. always love yourself first and if something is unacceptable ditch it immediately.. and please dont cry ma.. he isnt worth your tears.... where you galfriends at? you need to go out and have a good old night in the city!

Again whats next?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Then the fact that I told him this, and he didn't feel compelled to tell me he was seeing someone else AND sleeping with her makes me want to vomit, especially since my disclosing my STD to him was so relevant in our situation -- being intimate with two girls at the same time.

Yeah, no kidding. I wonder if prince charming has disclosed to the other girl that he's been exposing her to an STD? LOL What a jerk.

[pandagirl]

Yeah, no kidding. I wonder if prince charming has disclosed to the other girl that he's been exposing her to an STD? LOL What a jerk.

 

Well, we haven't been having sex, but we had been intimate in other ways. The chances are a longshot that he could've passed on anything to her.

 

But, even if we were having sex, which he def would have with me had I let him, he wouldn't have told either of us.

[pandagirl]

He wrote me back. This is what he said:

 

"Very sweet. thanks. sorry that some sort of friendship won't work out, but i definitely understand. be well. have a great summer, and get in some beach time!"

 

ha! God, so over him.