Dubois Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Hello, I've been reading for a long time here, now I was hoping for some good advice. I met a guy a work, it grew into something more, then after two years we ended. I wasn't happy in the relationship and we went through many endings before we stopped the last time. One of those times ending he had a baby that he forgot to tell me about. We can't seem to stay apart, and by that I don't mean sex. It's been 4 months since we last slept together but we still talk every day at work and have lunch and watch movies. I've met his friends, he introduces me as a friend, we go out in public, there's nothing secret except that I haven't met his wife and I somehow doubt she knows that he hangs out with me. That's still an EA right? Not friends? Can anything good really come from this? We fight and fight about what the past means and what the future is going to bring and he always says that he's here, even without the sex, that it's real and that he cares. But then I read things, here and other places and I get so confused....any ideas?
Lizzie60 Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Humm... that doesn't look good.. for you. He wants to keep you as a good friend.. nothing more.. if you have sex, well it's a bonus for him... but he's stringing you along. I doubt he will ever leave his wife and kids for you.. sorry..but you're just on the back burner for ______ years..
crystal_lostheart Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 The problem with nearly all MM is that they want both.....cake eaters. I told my MM that my life was NOT in his hand, I am not a prize to be one and to p**s off if he couldn't make a commitment to us because I was not going to continue being in such a dishonest place in my life. It took him time but he finally realized that he had to make a decision about his own life. At that time, I had walked away from him. He came back into my life seperated from his W. But I had to lay it on the line and mean it. It was not easy. Move away from this guy. He does not sound like he is giving you the best of what you need right now. How can you possibly move on with your life with him holding you back. You are also holding yourself back. None of it sounds honest, especially about the baby he 'forgot' to tell you about. Please have a little more faith in yourself. Because in the end YOU will only be able to count on yourself. All the best
Author Dubois Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 Thanks for the answers, it's helping me clarify my thoughts and my question. Being the other woman has been taken off the table, by both of us. He says that while the sex was good and he still thinks about it, what surrounded it was awful. By that he meant the arguing and fights and endings that we had. If I started having sex with him again I would want it to be more like FB's rather than any kind of emotional thing, and since I don't think that works, I don't want to go there again. I guess I'm just confused as to what I can expect from a friendship with my xMM. We seem to be in the middle of negotiations. I don't want to be on the backburner, I would want to be important in my own right and yet being on the backburner is exactly what I'm afraid of. A true friendship wouldn't be impacted by how well he was getting along with his wife right? He says its not but I've been in the position of OW for so long that I don't even know what's really happening anymore. I do know that the last fight we had this week I said my needs weren't being met, that it was always all about him and that I was starting to feel like a wh*** again. What he also did is asked me to list the things that I needed from him and we would start making sure that they were met. But that it was also my job to tell him when he wasn't giving enough before I hit the bottom and exploded. Which all sounds rational. I know that I'm the first person he turns to for a lot of his advice and support. For every kind of thing, work issues to how to be a better parent. I don't know. I guess it's that I still hear the "my wife and I don't talk", and "I'm so unhappy". But the only things he's done to change that is to cheat on his wife and have another baby. After I found out about the baby I told him I wouldn't talk to him again unless he got his butt into IC, which he did for a couple of months but they never talked about his internal issues, just how stressed he felt about the demands of his life. And then he stopped going. I don't necessarily want him to leave his marriage, and definitely not for me. I guess it's just that you read everywhere that the only healthy thing to do is just to go NC and am I keeping him and I from being healthy by still being in his life. Is it still an EA and not friends? Wow I blathered on...
sugarmomma Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I think you need to figure out what it is that YOU want. He will never be able to meet your needs and it sounds like he is the only one getting his needs met in this whole mess. How do you think his wife would feel about you being friends with her H? If you can't meet her its really not a friendship. You're his dirty little secret. What is it that you want? Once you figure that out you can move forward. Sounds like he is still just using you to get his emotional needs met and yu've become a "therapist" that he gets to vent to and tell all his problems. I'm sure you have your own life to live and dealing with his crap extracts from your life. He sounds like a very selfish person that doesn't care about your feelings let alone his wife. What is it that you want? Oh, I asked that question already. If it were me, I would drop him like a hot rock. JMO though.
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Why even bother? Look at him as an ex now and there's no point in even bothering to have a friendship. Feelings, both emotional and sexual are there and it will never be a platonic friendship. Besides, it's not like he's going to bring you home and involve you in his daily life, with his wife and kids.. If anything, it'll be a selfish friendship, leaving the door open a crack for something to happen again. YOU will lose since he is married. Again, what's the point and also, wouldn't it better for you to let him go, try to heal and find someone else who can offer you much more than being second fiddle?
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