sb1 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Hey, fellas, allow me to introduce myself. I am a new member of this forums. I am quite young but still have some ideals and principles that I want to follow when I finally get married. I am a person who believes in monogamy. I think when you marry you belong to your wife, emotionally and physically. I am a guy, that's why I am using wife in third person. I intend to never cheat on her, no matter what. As I was discussing with my friends the other day that some of the things that I hate most in the world are: Infidelity, Sexual Promiscuity and Adultery. I don't think I can stand up straight if I ever cheat on my wife, which I intend never to do. And also, if, God forbid, she cheats on me, I don't think I will be able to live with that information. Now, I don't know exactly why spouses cheat on each other, but from what I gather, it is either because they stop admiring each other (physically and emotionally) or they simply get bored of their day-to-day mundane lives, as we saw in Unfaithful and Fatal Attraction. Now, I, for one, believe that cheating is not the answer to these problems. The answer is: communicating with your spouse. Anything you feel that can damage your marriage, you tell it to your spouse and try to clear it out instead of demeaning yourself with some other person you not even love. I also believe that if you really love your wife than in no way you should cheat on her, because let's face it: making love with someone you really care for and love is far much satisfying and fulfilling than just a common fling or one-night-stand. And another thing, what I can't stand is a One-Night-Stand. That's all what I wanna say. Just introducing my thoughts. Thanks.
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Welcome to the boards, sb1. I respect your stance on these things. There are others on the board that may disagree with you on some things. Please respect their stance, k?
MistyK Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I'm thinking of a saying about the dog that barks the loudest.....
delajoonal Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 sb1...i think you have a great attitude and well, seem very young... but my H and i both felt the very same way when we were dating and when we got married, we even agreed verbally, that if either one ever felt an affair was in the lerks...that we would have enough respect for each other to tell one another and or get counseling, etc.... guess what, 14 years later, my H had an online EA..for 3 weeks...it was broken off...but he left anyway..and i still have NO idea why..he had never told me why he has done either? now, we lived our entire marriage with out ONE iota of thought of infidelty or cheating etc...really, we just NEVER worried about that with each other. we were not perfect, we had other issues, raising a son, money, etc... but NEVER cheating.... so, when H did this...it HIT me so hard, i still can't breath 5 months later... so, i guess what i am trying to say, is...your ideas are good, and great if you can really WORK them every single day into your marriage (when you get married)...but in real life...that's just IT, real life happens, and we put our marriages on the back burner to take care of bills, kids, other crisis, etc....and some how all those idealistic thoughts, become a distant memory:( i do wish you luck and you sound like a nice young man...i sure hope IT does work out for you:) hey, welcome to LS..and thanks for your thoughts:) they are sweet;)
delajoonal Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 p.s. i have learned from my mistakes with this marriage....next relationship..if there is one..i will know that marriage or any relationship takes work DAILY, like a job... i have learned i just need to stay better atuned to what is going on every day..and not worry so much about the water bill and they over charged us and spending hours in trumoil dealing with that, instead of just hanging out on the couch with H and just doing nothing....just being together... now that is what i have learned this time around...and will NOT do that again... time together should not be put on the back burner..ever again:) hey sb1..thanks again for your post...it is making me think..again:)
utterer of lies Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I am a person who believes in monogamy. I think when you marry you belong to your wife, emotionally and physically. I am a guy, that's why I am using wife in third person. I intend to never cheat on her, no matter what. As I was discussing with my friends the other day that some of the things that I hate most in the world are: Infidelity, Sexual Promiscuity and Adultery. I don't think I can stand up straight if I ever cheat on my wife, which I intend never to do. And also, if, God forbid, she cheats on me, I don't think I will be able to live with that information. It's always so simple in theory. But, why do you hate sexual promiscuity? I mean, when not in a cheating context? making love with someone you really care for and love is far much satisfying and fulfilling than just a common fling or one-night-stand. But after 5 or 10 years of marriage, maybe the fling is much more interesting to you. Or what if you love and care for more than one woman? And, especially if you don't have sex before marriage...what if you find out that you are not sexually compatible with your wife? You might love her all the same, but still...
Reggie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I'm thinking of a saying about the dog that barks the loudest..... I'm thinking of saying "consider the source" of the above quote.
Athena Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Hello Sb... you say you are young? Have you even had sex, to know about ONS and fidelity, etc? Anyway, I guess it is normal to have high ideals for a youth, yes, we all go through that stage. And it certainly can make you feel capable and possibly proud when you begin with a nice clean slate, and a lot of innocence. However, people mess up, they make poor choices, make mistakes, etc. So while your ideals seem attainable to you with just a good dose of marital communication just bear in mind that the reasons you listed in your post are not the only reasons why people cheat. Have you considered that some people do not think like you? That they may feel 'entitled', or may have a personality disorder, or just may view their marriage vows as flexible, even if you do not. It sometimes just depends on 'luck' who you land up with and if they turn out to be decent or not, especially if you marry young and do not really know the person as well as you think you do. Some people hide their true selves well, and it takes years for their character flaws to seep through.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Here's to hoping you find a woman who shares your values. Faithfulness can happen in long term relationships, but it takes work and compromise and a willingness to understand that people grow and change over time. The bride at the altar will not be the same woman in ten years, or twenty and you will not be the same either. That willingness to roll with those changes and allow your relationship to grow and change along with yourselves is the key.
MistyK Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I'm thinking of saying "consider the source" of the above quote. Reggie, seriously. Some of the most sanctimonious people I've met, some of the loudest critics of infidelity are the ones having affairs. For example, my MM always looked down his nose at his friends who had affairs, even taught marriage classes for the church and railed against infidelity, yet had a 2.5 year A with me. My sister criticized the hell out of me for my EA, and has since had 2 affairs. Just saying. It's easy to say "I would never do that" and look down your nose at everyone who does, but time has a funny way of changing your perspective. I'm not saying this guys going to cheat, just that acknowledging that one has the capability of doing something wrong makes it a whole lot easier to combat the urges.
Author sb1 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Thanks, guys. I will sure keep your ideas in mind when I am in a relationship. Thanks again.
2sure Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 To say that a person who cheats on their spouse does not love their spouse just isn't often or even usually the case. If only it were so easy , if only life were so black and white. I know you are young, with plenty to learn and admire you asking the questions now. Just remember that when you dont have all the information , its hard to be righteous without sounding....uninformed. Have the courage of your convictions - but dont ignore the lessons of others.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 this is silly,i would beleive that most cheaters out there including myself were this guy at one point, i never will do this, i never will do that but life happens and not that i am saying its right but things happen and people do stupid things in life.if he is really for real,its nice to see him already trying to convince himself that it will all be a bowl of cheriies and i commend him for that but he should live life and think towice before making it sound ohh so easy.
confusedinkansas Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 [QOTE=sb1;2296399]Thanks, guys. I will sure keep your ideas in mind when I am in a relationship. Thanks again. You're young. You will see once you are in a relationship, they take many twists & turns over the years. I'm not saying that your ideas aren't nobel. They are. When people are young & taking vows etc...the starry eyed ideas we have are pure & innocent. LIFE sometimes gets in the way - sad to say. My personal opinion & only based on what I know & who I know - Once you reach 40....Most everyone has cheated in one aspect or another. It's just how it is. Good luck to you when & If you find that perfect woman!!
Reggie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Reggie, seriously. Some of the most sanctimonious people I've met, some of the loudest critics of infidelity are the ones having affairs. For example, my MM always looked down his nose at his friends who had affairs, even taught marriage classes for the church and railed against infidelity, yet had a 2.5 year A with me. My sister criticized the hell out of me for my EA, and has since had 2 affairs. Just saying. It's easy to say "I would never do that" and look down your nose at everyone who does, but time has a funny way of changing your perspective. I'm not saying this guys going to cheat, just that acknowledging that one has the capability of doing something wrong makes it a whole lot easier to combat the urges. Yes, but this is a young man who has ideals and the implication seemed to me to be that his profession of these ideals mad you question his integrity. I am well aware of the phenomenon you describe, Misty, Jimmy Swaggert comes to mind. I am also reminded of a scene form "Stalag 17", an old movie that won the academy award and starred William Holden. Peter Gravesplayed a Nazi Informant, planted in the prison camp population by the command. All suspicion re information about escapes was funneled toward Holden, as he was a bit anti-social and not well liked. Holden was beaten severly by his fellow prisoners after an escape was thwarted resulting in injury and death to some. All the info came from Graves. When Holden ,finally, figures out it was Graves and demostrates to the other prisoners how the information was relayed by Graves. A desperate Graves asks Holden "how did you know it was me?" Holden says something along the lines of " I knew because when I was being beaten, I realized you were doing it the hardest". There is truth to what you say. We hate in others what we despise most about ourselves, sometimes. The reflection is an attack on our ego.
Reggie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Thanks, guys. I will sure keep your ideas in mind when I am in a relationship. Thanks again. Despite what you are hearing here, there are people out there that act with integrity despite life's temptation. The resposnses demonstrate a common phenomenon among those who have done something of which they are ashamed. In an effort comfort themselves, they point to your lack of expierience or the circumstances which explain or mitigate their actions. It is very difficult for folks to accept that at one point in their lives, they acted in a way that others that are stronger would not have. I have done so many f-ed up things in my life and have done this type of thing, myself. But, when it is crunch time and I am held accountable for my actions, either by a deity or myself or my descendants. the truth is that I was weaker than some at that point in my life and i failed.
HsMomma Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 OP, I think your ideals/goals are admirable. I do think it's possible to attain these things in real life/a real marriage, but you have to understand that just loving someone & even with really good communication (or so you may think at the time), it doesn't always work out the way we want. You are young, true, and it's great that you're laying out the plan already for how you want to be when you do get married. Someone else said to try to make sure you are with someone whose ideals/goals mirror your own. That's very important. Know, though, that just like any other relationship, marriage takes a great deal of time/care/nurturing and/or work...and that, sometimes, despite your best efforts, things can go awry. I wish you the best, though - you sound like a nice, sincere young man.
Author sb1 Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Thanks again, guys, really appreciate your comments. I know I am young and my "ideals" seem a tad unrealistic, but I sincerely hope I can act on them. As the saying goes, "The chain is as strong as the weakest bond holding it."
New_Life08 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hello sb1, it is refreshing to hear a positive insight to the sanctity of marriage. I have been on both sides of the fence in the world of twists and turning relationships. I think what stings us who have had emotional or physical affairs is that we do not feel very good about ourselves. I know I didn't; not in the long run anyway. karma is no one's friend and unfortunately, it does come for us sooner or later. I was married for 14 years and together with him for nearly 20. If I could offer you some advice before you take the plunge...keep the promise to yourself that you will communicate faithfully and clearly! I think the lack of communication is the major reason marriages fail. It is often very difficult to say what is on our mind for fear of the reaction that follows. Then find we are on pins and needles all the time and so on. If you can get the small stuff ironed out before it mushrooms into a battle of wills, then you will be doing yourself and your partner a priceless favor. Just make sure you find someone who is just as devoted as you are. Don't let anyone scare you, marriage doesn't have to be a union doomed for infidelity. I think there are many great things to say about marriage too. The problem is once we have stepped outside of it to fulfill what is missing at home; it is rare that we can go back to pick up where it left off. I don't think it is impossible to save a marriage after someone has strayed; It's that many marriages have been over for years before the affair(s) began. Best of luck to you, keep your values and priorities in order and the rest will follow. Be well.
Recommended Posts