fallendisguise Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I've had this happen to me on a few occassions and have friends who are going through or went through a similar situation. Whenever I've tried to ask the guy they can never really explain it and I've always been curious.... Why are guys capable of spending 6 months to a couple of years with a woman that they don't want to have a relationship with? Now in my experiences and friends, it's in an exclusive environment and they spend a lot of time together. So it basically has the appearance of a relationship (meeting family, friends, caring about each other, doing stuff together, etc.). So why bother with it? IMO, it seems the woman stays because she has feelings and is hoping he'll change his mind, but why does the guy? I guess I'm curious, because they don't have enough feelings to want a relationship, but enough to stick around for a long time. And if it's because they can get s*x on a regular basis, why not do it with other people or find someone that they want to have more with?
AlektraClementine Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Good Question. I don't know if it's limited to men, though this type of resignation in a relationship largely falls on the mail population. A girlfriend of mine has been married to her husband for 12 years. They get along. Raise a nice family. Even have plenty of sex. But she revealed to me some time ago that she's not at all sexually attracted to her husband. My fiance's brother is also engaged. Has been for over 2 years. He desperately wants out of the relationship but refuses to end it. She knows he does not want to marry her but she is persistent girl and she will not take no for an answer. He allows her to stay. They've even made vacation plans for next week. Like NOTHING is wrong! I could never remain in a relationship in which I had no romantic or sexual feelings for my partner. Though, one has to give thought to how that would play out in a marriage. Vows are vows, right?
sedona Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Commitmentphobia is one answer. He likes her, thinks she's terrific, and he has a dream of having a long relationship BUT just can't do it for whatever reason which in the end boils down to fear of commitment. He might not even realize it himself. Doesn't fit everyone, but it is true of some.
New Again Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I've done that kind of relationship before. It was the best relationship I've ever had. All of the good stuff and none of the crap.
EddieN Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 In the words of Pearl Jam - "She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man." In other words, both men and women sometimes have low self-esteem and feel like if they leave their current lover, they won't be able to find anyone better, so they hold on to the person they have now.
Author fallendisguise Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 I've often wondered if it is a commitment issue, but then I ask myself if you're in a long term exclusive "relationship" why would that person still feel phobic about a commitment. It seems that being in that situation is a commitment of some kind, but without the label. Perhaps it's a fear of emotionally committing and saying you're going to stick it through with that person? Yes, they can be fun because you don't have any of the crap to go with it. But in one of my experiences it lasted for almost 4 years and eventually that kind of stuff comes up. It does seem that when you're in this kind of situation it isn't as bad though LOL. Which makes me wonder if you've been doing it for so long and the crap that comes up isn't bad, why would it get worse if you did take the next step? (just my thoughts) I guess what I'm more curious about is... if I didn't have feelings for the other person in a romantic sense AT ALL I couldn't continue to see that person for an extended period of time and why do people that don't have those feelings, do it? Is it possible to have romantic feelings for someone and pretend at a relationship, but not want to actually have one with that person? (ex's don't count! LOL)
The Collector Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Some people will twist on 20, some will stick on 16.
mammax3 Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Maybe because some people feel better about themselves through the context of another, especially if it's not a 'bad' relationship. there may be a fear of not ever finding someone else better, or will not find this contentment or comfort. Maybe sexual passion isn't as important on the list of qualities as let's say intellectual compatibility or financial stability. Or vice versa.
tkgirl Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I've had this happen to me on a few occassions and have friends who are going through or went through a similar situation. Whenever I've tried to ask the guy they can never really explain it and I've always been curious.... Why are guys capable of spending 6 months to a couple of years with a woman that they don't want to have a relationship with? Now in my experiences and friends, it's in an exclusive environment and they spend a lot of time together. So it basically has the appearance of a relationship (meeting family, friends, caring about each other, doing stuff together, etc.). So why bother with it? IMO, it seems the woman stays because she has feelings and is hoping he'll change his mind, but why does the guy? I guess I'm curious, because they don't have enough feelings to want a relationship, but enough to stick around for a long time. And if it's because they can get s*x on a regular basis, why not do it with other people or find someone that they want to have more with? ouch.. my head hurts but I guess I'm a little confused by your question... you mean why do guys stay with someone they have no intention to marry? because if they've been someone for a long time, doesn't that constitute a "relationship"? and maybe they just aren't in that place yet where they want to get married. I don't know.. I guess I've been in this situation with a couple of my longer relationships. I was happy to be with these certain guys, but when they started talking marriage I would get scared. I just didn't have the "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" feelings with them, but I was still happy at the present time to be with them... eventually I had to end these relationships (it happened twice) and both times the guy went on to be with the one the ended up marrying! Maybe I just don't have that "marriage gene" in me... but now that I'm getting older I'm realizing I don't want to be alone forever either....
Hkizzle Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Men differ from women in some very important biological aspects. Note I am not trying to be sexist, and yes I know not all people fit the mold. I'm just trying to explain why certain behaviors exist. Women are more likely to desire security and therefore if they find a decent match looking to get married is a natural step. Many men often fear commitment. They might like hanging out in a relationship because there are at least two perks (companionship and sex). But the thought of settling down exclusive with someone has the opposite effect it has on a woman, it creates a sort of fear or resistance. The reason for this is biological in that a man is geared to spread his seed. To be exclusively attached to one woman forever means he can't meet other women (even if he's not a hot stud and not in a position to meet many women), and is therefore not advantageous to this reproductive strategy, so the brain creates a inertia and fear of marriage. You will see it in a lot of guys, although not all guys of course. This inertia decreases as a guy gets older, played around more, or not as attractive anymore.
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