Husband Home - working on relationship

[tojaz]

Springer would probably have a field day with my story.....don't think I want to go that far though. )

Wasn't referring to your part in all this, you'd be the innocent bystander while everyone else is throwing chairs. LOL

 

God wants her to know...... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are.

 

If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it.

 

 

I would say right now that would be finding the strength to love and trust again.

 

Love and trust aren't about strength. They're about having the confidence in yourself to be vulnerable. Strange as it sounds, being strong enough to be weak when you need to.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Wasn't referring to your part in all this, you'd be the innocent bystander while everyone else is throwing chairs. LOL

 

 

 

Love and trust aren't about strength. They're about having the confidence in yourself to be vulnerable. Strange as it sounds, being strong enough to be weak when you need to.

TOJAZ

 

Well, I just can't do that anymore. I don't have the confidence in myself to even want to work on another relationship. I gave too much of myself in this one for way too long and it just wasn't worth it in the end.

[FeelingLonely98]

I'm wondering if that is the true story, I think that he may have been seeing her before we split up as I found out that she and her second husband were actually split up back in May/June when they both showed up for a cookout for her son with sister-in-law's fiance'. He spent an awful lot of time over at his buddy's house which is only a block from her...

 

Betcha a million bucks it was already going on trippi...

[FeelingLonely98]

I would say right now that would be finding the strength to love and trust again.

 

I think I could love again ... it's the trust part that I am going to have a REAL difficult time with?!?!?

[FeelingLonely98]

Well, I just can't do that anymore. I don't have the confidence in myself to even want to work on another relationship. I gave too much of myself in this one for way too long and it just wasn't worth it in the end.

 

Me too - I gave everything of myself for her. TOO MUCH probably. so much that I gave up all my friends and revolved my world around her. I loved her soooo much. Now I have no close friends. I gave her 16 years of my life. I would have given her the rest of my life unconditionally (even with all the baggage that I NOW see that she has and had, but that I never noticed she had.). Funny, the Bryan Adams song "Everything I do I do it for you" is playing now. How apropos, eh?

 

I do like (or should I say believe) what tojaz said, you have to be less strong and probably more vulnerable to trust again. I know I am NOWHERE near that yet!! Not sure If will be any time soon.

[trippi1432]

I just can't get there. It really doesn't help that my son is ok with all of this and it REALLY didn't help to hear him tell me that his 25 year old cousin was thinking of asking this woman out because he thinks she's "HOT". Really not what I need to hear these days.

 

I'm just done with it all....want to quit my job, give custody over to H and be done with it all. Just sick of it.

 

It also doesn't help to hear my H call me Honey when he's talking to me but giving his love to someone else. And it really doesn't help to hear him tell me all the things she does that he likes....my fault because I asked him what I did wrong in the relationship, what could I have done to make it better. All the things that he could have done to make it better, he's doing it now with her.

 

I had really hoped that he would work on himself....says he has....doesn't drink much anymore, isn't partying anymore, goes for walks with her (wouldn't do that with me), brings her lunch sometimes, she brings him lunch sometimes too. So many times when he was off work, I would ask him to come by and pick me up for lunch and let's go do something together....he wouldn't. One time, we were having a retirement party for a close friend, he was to pick me up outside the building. My meeting was running late and I told him I would be there in a few minutes.....I was so proud that my hubby was going to pick me up....just made me feel "loved". He got impatient and drove off, called me halfway home and said he didn't feel like waiting anymore...go on without him. And this was all before it got really bad.

 

He is OCD, she is OCD....perfect match. Now my son has a ready-made family....doesn't need me anymore except for what they all wanted from me...money. I'm just a bank, nothing more.

 

Now, all I can think about is that everytime he said he loved me for the past year, he was lying. And everytime we had sex and he told me how much he loved making love to me, it was a lie.

 

When he told his mom who he is dating, she cried. His sister isn't happy with it, his father isn't happy with it, his oldest brother won't call him. My family wishes we could work things out but are supportive of me. I'm just tired, tired of it all, the pain, the hurt and feeling anything at all. I thought I could be strong, but how fast he was at moving on just floored me. It hurts and I have no idea how to make it stop hurting.

[FeelingLonely98]

So many times when he was off work, I would ask him to come by and pick me up for lunch and let's go do something together....he wouldn't.

 

My STBXW worked 3-4 minutes from home in an office complex. When I wasn't on the road travelling for business I worked from home. I picked her up 1 or 2 times every week to take her to Panera, to the sports grill / bar, to the deli, to get a slice of pizza, etc. And this was almost every week for 2 years while she worked there!!! Didn't mean sh*t to her. It's like why did I make the effort? I suppose up until the very end she DID love me so it's ok. She was unemployed from APR-SEP and that contributed to her MLC and eventual request for a D.

[trippi1432]

So, ex sends me an email today telling me how much he did not appreciate my telling him that I was going to go to a certain football game with someone....he's harbored years of this, and yes, I did do it to get his goat because he keeps hurting me with "I'll put the next woman first" crap and all.

 

So this woman he is dating....I would say that it has only been serious for a couple of weeks. Not even sure if they have had sex yet. I gave him an ultimatum today, I would forgive him for all of that since we are separated if he would just seriously work on our relationship now that he has realized what we both need to be doing better.

 

He said that he can't do that to her!! Can you believe this....he's not in love with her...admits it, but he can walk out on 15 years of a relationship but not a 2 week emotional affair. She's not pregnant by any means, she's even older than me.

 

I finally just sent him a text message and said "I want my FAMILY back!" Haven't heard back from him and probably won't.

[Logik]

You do realise that you're feeding his ego by saying things like this. He doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve you. He decided to walk away from his family, so now he's not part of it any more. You and your kids are your family now. Nobody took your family away, it's just been modified. And by the way he's acting, it's probably for the best. I know it's difficult now because you're going through so much by yourself, but when you look back one day, you'll see the reason it happened. You can only get stronger, but if you try to hold onto something that's gone, that strength will take forever to build up. Stay strong, let things be, don't try to control the uncontrollable, chin up, push forward, don't be afraid to cry, don't be afraid to laugh and give those kids of yours everything they deserve from their mother.

[trippi1432]

You do realise that you're feeding his ego by saying things like this. He doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve you. He decided to walk away from his family, so now he's not part of it any more. You and your kids are your family now. Nobody took your family away, it's just been modified. And by the way he's acting, it's probably for the best. I know it's difficult now because you're going through so much by yourself, but when you look back one day, you'll see the reason it happened. You can only get stronger, but if you try to hold onto something that's gone, that strength will take forever to build up. Stay strong, let things be, don't try to control the uncontrollable, chin up, push forward, don't be afraid to cry, don't be afraid to laugh and give those kids of yours everything they deserve from their mother.

 

Thanks, and I know what you're saying is true....this whole seeing someone else so soon has just sent me off my rocker. And the hard thing is if I have to see him, it's like insanity.

 

So, call me crazy or not, I did one of those psychic things today...yeah, I know...dumb right? But! I limit my info to just my bday and time of birth and instantly....Not an easy year for you....you are ending a relationship and it has been bad for a while. Gave him his birthdate....Bad signals and do not trust him as he is not finished with you yet. If he gets nice or sweet, be careful as he has an agenda. He is in a relationship but doubtful she will be around for a while; however she won't easily go away.

 

If he does come back, as he said he thinks he will try to resume the relationship, be careful because it will be on his terms. I am in for a rollercoaster ride, a lot of game-playing and emotional up's and down's...oh yeah!! Know that one already.

 

Eventually, I will be able to move on and will find love again (ok, yeah they tell this to everyone). Do not allow him to push my buttons as this will not help me move on. If I were to get back in a relationship with him again, it would be bumby as he is not on the same page. I will eventually marry and settle down again (not sure on that one) but the ex cannot be trusted. On the woman he is seeing, he sees a lot of instability on her part, they are just in lust and he also sees that she has a lot of debt surrounding her.

 

By the holidays, he said I will be looking for companionship and will most likely partner again. As for my career, I've seen better and easier years but have been under the gun, stressed and busy (right there). He sees a promotion advantage for me moving up in the company and maybe even a new job opportunity. Now this was freaky, he asked if the government was involved in my company and due to some new regs, they are. Never told him what I do or where I work at. He said if opportunities open up with other operating companies, do it....make the move if needed. He did say that he said he saw a child having an issue with it. But the move might even bring a new person into my life and be a life partner.

 

Now, before anyone jumps me about doing this, here is the freakier part. I had my mid-year review with my Sr. Director, I've been put in succession planning, meaning that I am in a pool of employees based on their skills that are able to move up in the company when new opportunities come up. Right now, they are working on the government requirements and looking at candidates for that. That's FREAKY!! He is also giving me opportunities around development by visiting other subsidiaries and participating on three very high profile projects.

 

I didn't offer any of this info to the psychic....I talked to him before I talked to my Sr. Director. I know these people are trained to talk on certain topics, but some of the things that he pinpointed, especially about the career, I gave him very little information on and he pin-pointed things that my Sr. Director later validated. I'm not saying that I totally believe in this stuff.....but he pegged alot of it. Just wild.

 

BTW - I spend $250 on a Divorce Busting Coach and that got me nowhere....I spent less than $40 on this guy and got some validation....lol!!

[Logik]

I don't think you're crazy. I kinda have an interest in things like that. If it's helped you, and you do like what has been said to you, then you need to strive for what has been said. If it says be wary of the X's intentions, take heed. Anybody on this site would tell you to do this anyway.

 

One other thing about you telling him that you want your family back. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. We might think we know what we want, but we don't, especially when our emotions are in turmoil. Like King Midas thinking that all the gold in the world would make him happy - He wasn't really careful about what he wished for.

[trippi1432]

I don't think you're crazy. I kinda have an interest in things like that. If it's helped you, and you do like what has been said to you, then you need to strive for what has been said. If it says be wary of the X's intentions, take heed. Anybody on this site would tell you to do this anyway.

 

One other thing about you telling him that you want your family back. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. We might think we know what we want, but we don't, especially when our emotions are in turmoil. Like King Midas thinking that all the gold in the world would make him happy - He wasn't really careful about what he wished for.

 

Yeah, that what I wish for might not be a good thing after all. My son told me today that he wished I would just get over it and move on too, he couldn't help but see how upset I was last night...but it's not that easy and my son thinks that my moving on shouldn't include dating other men...he doesn't want me doing that, but it's ok for dad. So how the heck do you move on like that?

[FeelingLonely98]

Yeah, that what I wish for might not be a good thing after all. My son told me today that he wished I would just get over it and move on too, he couldn't help but see how upset I was last night...but it's not that easy and my son thinks that my moving on shouldn't include dating other men...he doesn't want me doing that, but it's ok for dad. So how the heck do you move on like that?

 

trippi - you must go NC 100% now. No more texts, emails, calls, ... Only contact when absolutely necessary.

If you and the X reconcile in the future the amount of contact now will have no impact on it. (It might even get him to miss you?)

But that is not why you do it. You do it to make yourself feel better.

OK, promise us you will do this. It will be hard the first day or two. But it will get easier. I know you know all this ... just trying to remind you!!

 

Listen I went to 2-3 weeks with practically NC and I was doing pretty good. Then we had to meet two straight days to finalize and notarize the D papers. That's when I went downhill fast. Wondering if she may want to come home soon, if I should be reaching out to her, etc. Didn't function well. Work suffered. I could only think of her. AND this was a REQUIRED meeting. NC for 2 & 1/2 days now. Getting better ...

[trippi1432]

trippi - you must go NC 100% now. No more texts, emails, calls, ... Only contact when absolutely necessary.

If you and the X reconcile in the future the amount of contact now will have no impact on it. (It might even get him to miss you?)

But that is not why you do it. You do it to make yourself feel better.

OK, promise us you will do this. It will be hard the first day or two. But it will get easier. I know you know all this ... just trying to remind you!!

 

Listen I went to 2-3 weeks with practically NC and I was doing pretty good. Then we had to meet two straight days to finalize and notarize the D papers. That's when I went downhill fast. Wondering if she may want to come home soon, if I should be reaching out to her, etc. Didn't function well. Work suffered. I could only think of her. AND this was a REQUIRED meeting. NC for 2 & 1/2 days now. Getting better ...

 

Unfortunately, I did the NC, then he met someone who he could talk to and she is now the most important thing in his life. So, I have to wonder if the NC thing only makes people not work things out if it's possible. At any rate, I believe he is pulling the NC with me now.

 

At any rate, he has said his piece....he has moved on, very quickly I might add as he missed that companionship. Yes, it hurts....it will take a long time to get over it and I know that I will have up days and down days. But I have to find some hope somewhere to keep going.....just trying to find it.

[Gunny376]

Unfortunately, I did the NC, then he met someone who he could talk to and she is now the most important thing in his life. So, I have to wonder if the NC thing only makes people not work things out if it's possible. At any rate, I believe he is pulling the NC with me now.

 

At any rate, he has said his piece....he has moved on, very quickly I might add as he missed that companionship. Yes, it hurts....it will take a long time to get over it and I know that I will have up days and down days. But I have to find some hope somewhere to keep going.....just trying to find it.

 

I've not been posting much lately ~ BUT?

 

I've really got to give you a dose of reality here.

 

Earning an MBA? Even from a third-rate, fifth tiered business school isn't easy. Corporate Finance is a bitch within itself.

 

But?

 

Where in the Hell did you ever get it in your head that this guy is the best and only that you can do?

 

Fact of the matter is?

 

You've got more to offer most men than most men have to offer you!

 

Get off the Cosmo kick.

 

One of the most homeliness women I've ever know ~ had an MBA in finance from Duke Universtiy.

 

Was razor sharp when it came to finances!

 

Could do amortizion tables in her head in seconds.

 

Next time I marry?

 

I'm not marrying for money!

 

I'm not marrying for looks!

 

I'm marrying for brains!

 

Smarts!

[tojaz]

Ladies and gentlemen, i give you TOJAZ in his world record attempt for the longest LS post ever, drum roll please!

Well, I just can't do that anymore. I don't have the confidence in myself to even want to work on another relationship. I gave too much of myself in this one for way too long and it just wasn't worth it in the end.

Trippi, I've read nothing but confidence in your posts etc. Of course your not ready to work on another relationship, your still healing from the last one! I don't think it's necessarily bad to give a lot of yourself in a relationship. This hurts because of the sense of loss, but that gives validity to the relationship. If it were me and she left and I felt indifferent, I would have to take a good long look at myself. Love, relationships, Life in general is about the journey, not the end result!

I just can't get there. It really doesn't help that my son is ok with all of this and it REALLY didn't help to hear him tell me that his 25 year old cousin was thinking of asking this woman out because he thinks she's "HOT". Really not what I need to hear these days.

Who cares what some 25 year old punk thinks, you know what he's thinking with anyways. So what if shes "Hot" lots of women are, what else does she have going on? Besides, I've seen your picture, your not exactly dog meat yourself you know! But your nephew isn't going to tell you that. ICK!

 

I'm just done with it all....want to quit my job, give custody over to H and be done with it all. Just sick of it.

 

It also doesn't help to hear my H call me Honey when he's talking to me but giving his love to someone else. And it really doesn't help to hear him tell me all the things she does that he likes....my fault because I asked him what I did wrong in the relationship, what could I have done to make it better. All the things that he could have done to make it better, he's doing it now with her. For Now!! calling you Honey? uh, Passive Aggressive anyone?

 

I had really hoped that he would work on himself....says he has....doesn't drink much anymore, isn't partying anymore, goes for walks with her (wouldn't do that with me), brings her lunch sometimes, she brings him lunch sometimes too. So many times when he was off work, I would ask him to come by and pick me up for lunch and let's go do something together....he wouldn't. One time, we were having a retirement party for a close friend, he was to pick me up outside the building. My meeting was running late and I told him I would be there in a few minutes.....I was so proud that my hubby was going to pick me up....just made me feel "loved". He got impatient and drove off, called me halfway home and said he didn't feel like waiting anymore...go on without him. And this was all before it got really bad.

 

He is OCD, she is OCD....perfect match. Now my son has a ready-made family....doesn't need me anymore except for what they all wanted from me...money. I'm just a bank, nothing more.

 

Now, all I can think about is that everytime he said he loved me for the past year, he was lying. And everytime we had sex and he told me how much he loved making love to me, it was a lie.

 

When he told his mom who he is dating, she cried. His sister isn't happy with it, his father isn't happy with it, his oldest brother won't call him. My family wishes we could work things out but are supportive of me. I'm just tired, tired of it all, the pain, the hurt and feeling anything at all. I thought I could be strong, but how fast he was at moving on just floored me. It hurts and I have no idea how to make it stop hurting.

Thats why hes moving on so fast, he dosen't want to deal with the emotions of it all, so he thinks that moving on to the next one will put him on the fast track to healing. IT WON"T He hasn't taken the time to reflect on what happened, hasn't learned anything. He's just looking to fill the void, get his needs met. In the end, hes just hiding from it all and what he hasn't fixed will be carried on to and compounded in his next relationship and on and on until he looks at himself.

 

Don't get caught in the trap of thinking the whole relationship was a lie. It wasn't. It's a shame how it ended, but would not have lasted 15 years if it had been based on nothing.

 

I wouldn't put too much stock into what hes showing the new GF. Of course hes giving it his best, it's early and hes trying to win her over, you've seen the real him, what lurks in the shadows and you also know that it can't stay hidden forever. To be honest, with the tales of his actions that you have shared, hes a lucky man that you were willing to put up with so much.

 

So, ex sends me an email today telling me how much he did not appreciate my telling him that I was going to go to a certain football game with someone....he's harbored years of this, and yes, I did do it to get his goat because he keeps hurting me with "I'll put the next woman first" crap and all.

 

So this woman he is dating....I would say that it has only been serious for a couple of weeks. Not even sure if they have had sex yet. I gave him an ultimatum today, I would forgive him for all of that since we are separated if he would just seriously work on our relationship now that he has realized what we both need to be doing better.

 

He said that he can't do that to her!! Can you believe this....he's not in love with her...admits it, but he can walk out on 15 years of a relationship but not a 2 week emotional affair. She's not pregnant by any means, she's even older than me.

 

I finally just sent him a text message and said "I want my FAMILY back!" Haven't heard back from him and probably won't.

All of this, was just to jab at you, he wanted a response so that he could hurt you again, and he did! Tell him to hell with him and that your going to the game LOL and your going to have a fabulous time! If he wants to be bent on petty BS let him waste his life on that, you have better things to do.

 

Thanks, and I know what you're saying is true....this whole seeing someone else so soon has just sent me off my rocker. And the hard thing is if I have to see him, it's like insanity.

 

So, call me crazy or not, I did one of those psychic things today...yeah, I know...dumb right? But! I limit my info to just my bday and time of birth and instantly....Not an easy year for you....you are ending a relationship and it has been bad for a while. Gave him his birthdate....Bad signals and do not trust him as he is not finished with you yet. If he gets nice or sweet, be careful as he has an agenda. He is in a relationship but doubtful she will be around for a while; however she won't easily go away.

 

If he does come back, as he said he thinks he will try to resume the relationship, be careful because it will be on his terms. I am in for a rollercoaster ride, a lot of game-playing and emotional up's and down's...oh yeah!! Know that one already.

 

Eventually, I will be able to move on and will find love again (ok, yeah they tell this to everyone). Do not allow him to push my buttons as this will not help me move on. If I were to get back in a relationship with him again, it would be bumby as he is not on the same page. I will eventually marry and settle down again (not sure on that one) but the ex cannot be trusted. On the woman he is seeing, he sees a lot of instability on her part, they are just in lust and he also sees that she has a lot of debt surrounding her.

 

By the holidays, he said I will be looking for companionship and will most likely partner again. As for my career, I've seen better and easier years but have been under the gun, stressed and busy (right there). He sees a promotion advantage for me moving up in the company and maybe even a new job opportunity. Now this was freaky, he asked if the government was involved in my company and due to some new regs, they are. Never told him what I do or where I work at. He said if opportunities open up with other operating companies, do it....make the move if needed. He did say that he said he saw a child having an issue with it. But the move might even bring a new person into my life and be a life partner.

 

Now, before anyone jumps me about doing this, here is the freakier part. I had my mid-year review with my Sr. Director, I've been put in succession planning, meaning that I am in a pool of employees based on their skills that are able to move up in the company when new opportunities come up. Right now, they are working on the government requirements and looking at candidates for that. That's FREAKY!! He is also giving me opportunities around development by visiting other subsidiaries and participating on three very high profile projects.

 

I didn't offer any of this info to the psychic....I talked to him before I talked to my Sr. Director. I know these people are trained to talk on certain topics, but some of the things that he pinpointed, especially about the career, I gave him very little information on and he pin-pointed things that my Sr. Director later validated. I'm not saying that I totally believe in this stuff.....but he pegged alot of it. Just wild.

 

BTW - I spend $250 on a Divorce Busting Coach and that got me nowhere....I spent less than $40 on this guy and got some validation....lol!!

Your not crazy, I read my horoscope etc everyday. The neat thing about psychics and horoscopes etc. is that thay open you up to see things you may have missed, just by the suggestion. Most are vague and all encompassing, but our own mind relates them to our own life allowing us to see things we might not have been looking for before. Like a gentle nudge in a new direction. Who knows how having that reading in the back of your mind influenced your behavior in your meeting with the Sr. Director! A little more confidence because of that just may have shown and put you in a better light with him! Something to think about. Besides it's fun!

 

 

Yeah, that what I wish for might not be a good thing after all. My son told me today that he wished I would just get over it and move on too, he couldn't help but see how upset I was last night...but it's not that easy and my son thinks that my moving on shouldn't include dating other men...he doesn't want me doing that, but it's ok for dad. So how the heck do you move on like that?

The fact that he is protective of you and not his dad shows he puts you in much higher regard then his father. You've mentioned that many times. Simplify it, what hes basicly saying is... YEAH DAD DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, MOM, I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND WANT YOU TO BE SAFE. Whats wrong with that! Move on starting with yourself, be happy and love yourself again, become whole before giving anything to another.

 

Unfortunately, I did the NC, then he met someone who he could talk to and she is now the most important thing in his life. So, I have to wonder if the NC thing only makes people not work things out if it's possible. At any rate, I believe he is pulling the NC with me now.

 

At any rate, he has said his piece....he has moved on, very quickly I might add as he missed that companionship. Yes, it hurts....it will take a long time to get over it and I know that I will have up days and down days. But I have to find some hope somewhere to keep going.....just trying to find it.

In all of your story, all I've seen was him running from working it out. NC was a protective measure for you, to spare you the jabs he was throwing at you. Let him NC with you, let him have his miserable life, you don't want to be miserable anyways. The hope is the fact that you have a lot of great things in your life, your son, your career, school are all on track! Thats a lot more then most of us have. Your in a terrible situation, but once you pass that obstacle (all be it a big one) look at all the sunshine you have waiting for you! Plus you will be free of his drinking and other habits weighing on your mind and your heart. You will be free to be happy, when your ready.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

OK, guess it wasn't that long!

[trippi1432]

OK, guess it wasn't that long!

 

Thank you, I needed a dose of reality because I have really felt like I am losing it over these past couple of days.

 

Wasn't long and I appreciate the feedback.

 

I got the Custody and Child Support papers yesterday and went over those for the attorney for corrections. Next is the SA, should get that Monday. The best thing to do is to keep moving forward and I am trying....I've just got to not see him, my stupidity keeps wanting to romanticize the institution of marriage and being a family, having him with me when our son graduates, being there when the grandkids come over....etc....etc. Never going to happen. I stupidly thought that marriage with this man was putting each other first, bringing out the best in each other and being there for each other. It's hard to get to forgiveness, I don't know if I ever will, I don't know if I will ever hope for the best for him because of all the pain he has put me through. I rarely ever think of my first ex....or feel anything for him....that is where I need to get to with this one. Maybe that is a strange way to heal, but I know that I have to stop the feelings in my heart for this man and move on emotionally. I'm trying, but it is hard when I see him becoming the man I used to love for someone else...even though I know it's fake.

 

I guess one thing that depresses me too is that I've gotten this far in life, and yes, I have had to build it by myself, maybe he's resentful that I had to "drag" him along in it, but sometimes I feel like I got here for nothing as I have no one to share it with anymore.

 

But hey, Tojaz, that GB jab was actually hilarious and he well deserved it. I kind of expected the feedback I got and that will sit with him for a long time. He deserved it for all the jabs he's thrown at me over the past few months.

[tojaz]

Thank you, I needed a dose of reality because I have really felt like I am losing it over these past couple of days.

 

Wasn't long and I appreciate the feedback.

 

I got the Custody and Child Support papers yesterday and went over those for the attorney for corrections. Next is the SA, should get that Monday. The best thing to do is to keep moving forward and I am trying....I've just got to not see him, my stupidity keeps wanting to romanticize the institution of marriage and being a family, having him with me when our son graduates, being there when the grandkids come over....etc....etc. Never going to happen. I stupidly thought that marriage with this man was putting each other first, bringing out the best in each other and being there for each other. It's hard to get to forgiveness, I don't know if I ever will, I don't know if I will ever hope for the best for him because of all the pain he has put me through. I rarely ever think of my first ex....or feel anything for him....that is where I need to get to with this one. Maybe that is a strange way to heal, but I know that I have to stop the feelings in my heart for this man and move on emotionally. I'm trying, but it is hard when I see him becoming the man I used to love for someone else...even though I know it's fake.

 

 

I guess one thing that depresses me too is that I've gotten this far in life, and yes, I have had to build it by myself, maybe he's resentful that I had to "drag" him along in it, but sometimes I feel like I got here for nothing as I have no one to share it with anymore.

Don't let who your with define your life, your doing these things and building your life for you and nobody else! If you decide to let someone join you for the ride, thats great, but don't lose sight of who it is all for, YOU!

 

 

But hey, Tojaz, that GB jab was actually hilarious and he well deserved it. I kind of expected the feedback I got and that will sit with him for a long time. He deserved it for all the jabs he's thrown at me over the past few months.

Yes he does.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Don't let who your with define your life, your doing these things and building your life for you and nobody else! If you decide to let someone join you for the ride, thats great, but don't lose sight of who it is all for, YOU!

 

 

Yes he does.

TOJAZ

 

 

I know, and you and Gunny are right.....my family tells me this too. My mother threw the same dose of reality at me yesterday, if she had been sitting like I am right now when my dad left, she would have been celebrating, not burying her head in the sand. I got the "smackdown" from her...lol! The whole, I raised you to be a strong woman, where is that strong daughter that I used to know, he's not worth one more tear and if you don't snap out of this, I'm gonna bring my 98 lb ass up there and kick yours!". I love my mom!! She's the best!

 

In my career discussion yesterday, my Sr. Director asked me if I couldn't ship my ex out when I asked again about moving to another OPco. He said I am not leaving him because he needs me there and I just need to move the ex back upstate where he came from. lol! My Sr. Director is great, shoots from the hip and you can talk to him about anything. He's been very understanding about it all as well as what I am going thru with the son on the incident that happened a couple of weeks ago in my neighborhood.

 

I think that the stress of everything just got to me, the impending divorce, the new girlfriend, worrying about my son and this incident....just all clashing at one time. It's just so much at one time.

[trippi1432]

Oh, here's a funny, ha-ha. This a-hole wants me to meet him halfway to take son tonight. He just got paid and took his sweetie out last night. He's not paying any child support and I am paying all of the joint debt, buying the kid school clothes, paying my regular bills and paying a lawyer....he's giving the kid $50 to pay for 10 lunches at school for the next two weeks. WTF?

 

If he wants his son, he can drive the 20 miles up here to get him and he can drive the 20 miles to bring him home. Who the hell does this a-hole think he is????? Ok, off the pity party kick....now I just want to beat the crap out of him.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Oh Trippi...im in the same boat as you are. I know exactly how it feels. Your self esteem takes a beating so bad. You keep wondering....HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE? That feeling of wanting to just give in and have these "men":sick: back, and wanting back what we had and what we were comfortable with. We second guess our every decision made since this all started. I am in the nc part and right now it just feels like i just pushed him even more towards that effing skank. But reading what Tojaz said and agreeing 100 % with it all and having Tojaz words reinforce in MY head that

they are not "better" off. Hang tough and see when the novelty soon wears off and the same old crap they dish out and are trying to hide from these gfs will soon rear its ugly head if it hasnt yet already.

 

Thats why hes moving on so fast, he dosen't want to deal with the emotions of it all, so he thinks that moving on to the next one will put him on the fast track to healing. IT WON"T He hasn't taken the time to reflect on what happened, hasn't learned anything. He's just looking to fill the void, get his needs met. In the end, hes just hiding from it all and what he hasn't fixed will be carried on to and compounded in his next relationship and on and on until he looks at himself.

 

Don't get caught in the trap of thinking the whole relationship was a lie. It wasn't. It's a shame how it ended, but would not have lasted 15 years if it had been based on nothing.

 

I wouldn't put too much stock into what hes showing the new GF. Of course hes giving it his best, it's early and hes trying to win her over, you've seen the real him, what lurks in the shadows and you also know that it can't stay hidden forever. To be honest, with the tales of his actions that you have shared, hes a lucky man that you were willing to put up with so much.

 

In all of your story, all I've seen was him running from working it out. NC was a protective measure for you, to spare you the jabs he was throwing at you. Let him NC with you, let him have his miserable life, you don't want to be miserable anyways. The hope is the fact that you have a lot of great things in your life, your son, your career, school are all on track! Thats a lot more then most of us have. Your in a terrible situation, but once you pass that obstacle (all be it a big one) look at all the sunshine you have waiting for you! Plus you will be free of his drinking and other habits weighing on your mind and your heart. You will be free to be happy, when your ready.

TOJAZ

 

But giving in and letting them know that we are still available only enables them to continue what they are doing and treat us bad even more. Because they know that we still love and want them and right now they know they can push our boundaries back even further. They keep us sucked in with their "honey" and miniscule nice things to keep us hanging..and hurting....and wanting.

 

I wanted to call my ex today because i was feeling so bad...knowing he is with that skank and baby...just to hear him lie to me that he isnt...just for some....temporary relief from all this pain inside. But it doesnt make it better...make me better because it is what it is...a lie. Whether i went nc or not...HE made HIS choices to be with this other skank. When WE have problems do WE run to the arms of another man? Jump into another relationship? No. That is the difference. We handle our problems differently than they do. We are dealing with the situation the way it is SUPPOSE to be done. Their way gets them nowhere but right back on the merry go round of hell...trying to drag us along with them as their security blanket.

I love my husband still and its ok too. But his actions hurt me more than anything. His actions make me hate him which is ok too. (Hence that war inside ) He hasnt done for me what ive all done for him but I can now walk away KNOWING that i gave it my all. Not just up until now...but all these years.

 

You need to look at what is really keeping you from accepting it is over? Is it pride? pain? Fears? What are they? I have to keep reminding myself that my ex is doing NOTHING to help me or himself. Just like yours is. NOTHING. I agree with Tojaz. Nc works for ourselves. Its not to hurt anyone but i do believe it will have its impact on them in the long run. Even in my lowest points in life like today, nc has helped ME. Im not giving in to HIS ego...HIS needs anymore. I couldve made that call today to him (or down the road taken his) and felt relieved for like 10 seconds and felt like crap after cuz it does destroy the self esteem when we are "rejected" or the ones giving in. Its not going to stop him from seeing her and continuing his life right? Why would he? Hes got us both...or thinks he does...for now.

 

Use that anger to your advantage. Anger gives us that strength to STOP taking their crap. Its their for a reason...like a personal wake up call i see it as....USE IT. Use that anger to jump off the merry go round...u will be dizzy and disoriented for a bit...but its a good thing..its cause you gotta adjust..get used to solid ground. Being dragged around and around on this merry go round...is the same as being in limbo. Sometimes we gotta accept and let go..or we gotta jump off the friggin thing.

[trippi1432]

Thanks Dazed, oh I know what you mean and I keep beating myself up for all the stupid reasons.

 

I decided to look up passive-aggressive to understand it a bit more because I have been seeing that term a lot on here, but never really understood it. I even took a test to see if I was PA and mine came out that I am too damn nice...lol.

 

But, there was much that I could relate to him on the definition. And now I understand better the following conditions.

 

I went NC with him, he wanted to know why I wouldn't talk to him, why I was angry with him.

 

When I stopped NC, he would say things to me that he knows he didn't put me first in his life and would do that with the next person....jerk. Of course this brought me out of NC and we fought for almost 2 weeks. Then I went NC on him again when he said he wouldn't pay CS until I file the papers. Now that is all my fault that he isn't paying because he said that he would help me and that he agreed to pay me a certain amount but I wouldn't talk to him. Yes, passive-aggressive. I bought a cat when he left, son has been wanting one for a long time, H hates me for that. I went out and bought a new TV for the living room to replace the one he took, again, I am a bad person for that....like I was rubbing it in his face. I was going to go on a dinner date with a friend from class who was passing through town until H called and claimed he wanted to work on the relationship. Now he tells me that he was already emotionally involved with this other woman at that time (which I know is a lie), but it's his way of getting back at me that I was going to move on.

 

Like someone else said, living well is the best revenge.....I'm done with it. I gave him the opportunity to fix it and he failed....that door will not open again.

[dazedandconfused2008]

oh they will do and say ANYTHING (nice or bad) to get us out of nc. They know what buttons to push. Their biggest fears is to see US MOVING ON because in reality they havent done it themselves. They are always going to be in the same situation just different people. Like my ex has cheated on this skank since day 1. He was with me AND with other people on top of that the whole time. He still hasnt changed and doesnt want to. yet. Hes gonna see down the road his blankie has gone bye bye.

 

As for you being nice...nothing wrong with being too nice. But your husband doesnt deserve that from you anymore. Time to bring that warrior inside of you out.

 

Im looking forward to the day when all i feel is indifference. Thats all i want.

[dazedandconfused2008]

As for the OW....i wish i could put a huge red bow on my ex's head and take him to her and say....here....heres your "prize" you "won". As i walk away with a big smile on my face...or should i say evil grin.