tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Well, H has proven he is unreliable and unwilling to play father, so that will just have to be taken as a given. Your son will comeback in his own time, we all grieve in our own way, and when the wife left and again when Allie passed, I didn't want to socialize much either. Needed time to process my own emotions before i was ready to share them with others. Hes still communicating with you, just be there for him if he needs you and he will be fine.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 Well, H has proven he is unreliable and unwilling to play father, so that will just have to be taken as a given. Your son will comeback in his own time, we all grieve in our own way, and when the wife left and again when Allie passed, I didn't want to socialize much either. Needed time to process my own emotions before i was ready to share them with others. Hes still communicating with you, just be there for him if he needs you and he will be fine. yeah, I think it's time to go back to NC with H.
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Sounds like a good idea, at least until he figures out what he wants anyways. Keeps your son insulated from getting hurt further. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 So I went to church today with my sister-in-law and we are going to an event downtown together later today. Basically her brother will barely speak to her, but she did talk to him earlier in the week and informed him of our plans. He informed her that he told me that I needed to move on and shouldn't be hanging out with his sister. He doesn't approve of me talking to his family, which is probably why his mother hasn't called me in a week now, used to call me more often. She also informed me that she called for her brother at the drinking buddies house and the drinking buddy rudely told her that he wasn't there and people needed to quit calling his house looking for him. Not sure what is up there....the whole thing is totally childish. I guess my ex's interpretation of moving on is forgetting that for 15 years these people were our son's grandmother, aunt, uncle's, cousin's....etc. Supposedly, his definition of moving on is getting right back out into the dating scene and sleeping with men I don't know....I can only assume that is what he is doing. Guess that shows the maturity boundaries..... My first ex and his family totally cut our daughter out of their lives. What hurt the most was cutting the daughter out, she was only 3 years old and never understood that. My ex called the other night and reminded me of that and that he didn't want to cut our son out of the families life, but then he jumps his sister's case for wanting to spend time with her nephew and with me. Am I not moving on with my life because I want to keep my mother-in-law and sister-in-law in mine and my son's life? I think the world of them and have loved them for 15 years. He and I are divorcing, I'm not divorcing my extended family. Is that wrong?
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I dSupposedly, his definition of moving on is getting right back out into the dating scene and sleeping with men. I can only assume that is what he is doing. LMAO!!:laugh::lmao::laugh::lmao::laugh::lmao: Brokeback rides again. LOL My first ex and his family totally cut our daughter out of their lives. What hurt the most was cutting the daughter out, she was only 3 years old and never understood that. My ex called the other night and reminded me of that and that he didn't want to cut our son out of the families life, but then he jumps his sister's case for wanting to spend time with her nephew and with me. Am I not moving on with my life because I want to keep my mother-in-law and sister-in-law in mine and my son's life? I think the world of them and have loved them for 15 years. He and I are divorcing, I'm not divorcing my extended family. Is that wrong? No, that is not wrong at all. Those people will always be family, Grandparents, aunts and uncles to your son. It's unfair of him to expect anything different. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 LMAO!!:laugh::lmao::laugh::lmao::laugh::lmao: Brokeback rides again. LOL LMAO!! Ok, that's not what I meant about him...about me...I just don't do that....I'm too selective, which makes me wonder why I had a weak moment and chose this a-hole.....hmmm, maybe because I saw something in him that he didn't even recognize and now he is stuck between being the boy he was and the MAN he should be. No, that is not wrong at all. Those people will always be family, Grandparents, aunts and uncles to your son. It's unfair of him to expect anything different. TOJAZ I agree, I love his sister.....she is the only girl now because their youngest sister died a long time ago. A history I will always have with this family that no other woman will understand or know the heartache of. I even once wrote her eulogogy. I will forever be a part of his family....but I do not have to be a part of him. Yes, it's impossible to keep it separate....but somehow we will have to cope. Right now, our son likes being the only son....not sure how he will react to knowing that one day he might have a half sister or brother....God I regret that day. I recall my daughter finding out that she had two half-sisters....it freaked her out. I really don't think that this is at all what God intended when he introduced marriage into the bibilical process.
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I don't think what we've gone through is anyones idea of marriage. The part you play in his families life is between you and them, he should not even be a factor in that!
Author trippi1432 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 I don't think what we've gone through is anyones idea of marriage. The part you play in his families life is between you and them, he should not even be a factor in that! I agree and his sister liked hanging out today....she needs that...she's had a rougher life than I have.
tojaz Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I agree and his sister liked hanging out today....she needs that...she's had a rougher life than I have. It's good that you both can look past the family ties and be there for eachother. Blood is not always thicker then water. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 Well, I actually got a text message from him that told me to have a safe trip....I guess that was nice. We had a small conversation later about our son which wasn't too hateful for once. He again stated that he would have helped me with the support but thought that by my showing him the joint debt that I was saying I had already hired a lawyer. He wanted to know when the papers would be coming and until I can pay the lawyer for those and they are drawn up...I guess my son and I are on our own. At any rate, not sure what "friend" gave him the impression that supporting his son was a "gift" and not living up to his responsibilities, but I reminded him that he caused me to have to hire the lawyer when he said he wouldn't pay anymore support until he had a CS order. Technically, I didn't do the walking, but I am doing the paying...something just not fair in all of that.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 God wants her to know... ... that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts. In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a windfall. Hmm, maybe I should play the lottery? LOL!
tojaz Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Well, I actually got a text message from him that told me to have a safe trip....I guess that was nice. We had a small conversation later about our son which wasn't too hateful for once. He again stated that he would have helped me with the support but thought that by my showing him the joint debt that I was saying I had already hired a lawyer. He wanted to know when the papers would be coming and until I can pay the lawyer for those and they are drawn up...I guess my son and I are on our own. At any rate, not sure what "friend" gave him the impression that supporting his son was a "gift" and not living up to his responsibilities, but I reminded him that he caused me to have to hire the lawyer when he said he wouldn't pay anymore support until he had a CS order. Technically, I didn't do the walking, but I am doing the paying...something just not fair in all of that. Your doing the paying......for now! He knows that too, thats why hes trying to play nice and be amicable, yet hes still hearing what he wants to hear and using you to justify his actions, if he really wanted to help, he would. God wants her to know... ... that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts. In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a windfall. Hmm, maybe I should play the lottery? LOL! This God guy sounds pretty smart. (hiding under table again ) I truly believe in karma etc. in principal. Theres no way that someone who has had this much bad laid at their feet isn't going to benefit from a really good bounce in the future. Unless you've been kicking puppies for years or something. I don't think thats the case! Since were talking superstition etc, heres my horoscope. Cancer- Intimate matters will be quite surprising now, so much so that "the one who got away" may be back for a second shot at the title. If there's still something left and you're not attached, give it a try. If not, be careful. Why stir up old memories if you're not really interested? Wonder if that counts as a windfall or not??? Guess thats up to me. LOL TOJAZ Edited October 27, 2009 by tojaz
Author trippi1432 Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 So ex was supposed to go by and see his son Monday evening while I was out of town....son is at my parent's house....changed his mind and said he would stay with him Wednesday eveing for a while but leave before my flight gets in. Then I find out earlier today that he called and said he was going to come by and see his son tonight at my parent's place.....found out later that it was raining so he told son he would just see him Wednesday.....My son sounded disappointed, but he also sounded like..."Oh well, he does this all the time". So my H wonders why son won't pick up the phone and call him, return his calls or texts.....hmmmmm.
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 wow trippi....i read the whole thread...and parts of it made me cry and some of it made me laugh (brokeback mountain etc) What i really noticed was the change in you. In just a month look what you have all accomplished! Yes you had your moments of despair...i can sooooo relate...going through that myself at times....but i really like how you are starting to see that you do have a life and your starting to learn how to live one again for yourself. I LOVE the zombieland thing with your son. When i play with my baby and i realize that i am laughing with her i get amazed that hey...i didnt even think of the bastard ....lol...I too...find the nc thing working best for me. It doesnt allow for the games and being sucked back into their world. Cuz his world sucks! Mine rules. You know why? Despite everything the prick did to me...i wouldnt be where i am now....getting to know myself and being the person that i truly want and can be . I have my kids that i love soooo much and i get to love them and be with them everyday. Its HIS loss if he doesnt want to put the effort into having a relationship with his son. I chose to go nc to heal...and to heal effectively...and as for the kids...i WILL NOT go out of my way to make some sperm donor want to spend time and love his great kids. My ex has his addictions and problems...but those are HIS to deal with...not ours. Looking at his from his point of view...what has he all lost yet to want to change his life...his relationships? I dont think hes even hit his rock bottom. By the sounds of it he surrounds himself with enablers. Some people fall and it hurts them hard enough to open their eyes and want to change...in some people...they fall and find more enablers and continue their way of miserable life. Either way...its a fall that they must do alone. Dont get yourself and your son dragged down that hole with him. YOU ARE DOING GREAT! YOU INSPIRE ME! AND YOUR A REALLY GOOD PERSON! You have so much to be grateful for. Start writing a list and post it by your bed...add something to it every morning. Even if its bad...when i wake up feeling horrible...i write i am grateful for being able to feel...bad..with the good...and being able to ask God to get me through. CHIN UP I was gonna put the for the ending...but i didnt want u to start thinking some brokeback mountain stuff...hahaha...:laugh:
tojaz Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 So ex was supposed to go by and see his son Monday evening while I was out of town....son is at my parent's house....changed his mind and said he would stay with him Wednesday eveing for a while but leave before my flight gets in. Then I find out earlier today that he called and said he was going to come by and see his son tonight at my parent's place.....found out later that it was raining so he told son he would just see him Wednesday.....My son sounded disappointed, but he also sounded like..."Oh well, he does this all the time". So my H wonders why son won't pick up the phone and call him, return his calls or texts.....hmmmmm. I don't get this guy! After saying he wanted to be in his sons life and all that, you would think he would be looking for an opportunity to prove himself. I'm sure your son was disappointed, I'm really sorry hes getting jerked around like this. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I don't get this guy! After saying he wanted to be in his sons life and all that, you would think he would be looking for an opportunity to prove himself. I'm sure your son was disappointed, I'm really sorry hes getting jerked around like this. TOJAZ Oh! Here's the icing on the cake now....he did come by and spent some time with the son while I was flying back from my trip. Son let the cat out of the bag that his dad does have a girlfriend....I'm not supposed to know until H tells me though. Turns out, it's my sister-in-law's fiance's ex-wife. She lives in the same neighborhood that he has moved to and they met up walking one day and are now going out. I'm wondering if that is the true story, I think that he may have been seeing her before we split up as I found out that she and her second husband were actually split up back in May/June when they both showed up for a cookout for her son with sister-in-law's fiance'. He spent an awful lot of time over at his buddy's house which is only a block from her. So, there we have it....he either left me for OW or he quickly put 15 years behind him to move on within 5 weeks of leaving. I guess the past 15 years have been nothing but a lie, our whole marriage was nothing but a lie too. I was really hoping that this time apart would help him to change....guess not for me, but he probably will for her. I just can't believe that one week he is calling me for booty call and then telling me he just needs to be alone for a while, then bam....he's with someone else within a week. Now I guess that's why he is trying to be "nice". I knew this day would come....and I didn't know how I would handle it....now I am back to wanting to move again...get out of this town and go someplace where I don't know anyone.
tojaz Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Oh! Here's the icing on the cake now....he did come by and spent some time with the son while I was flying back from my trip. Son let the cat out of the bag that his dad does have a girlfriend....I'm not supposed to know until H tells me though. Turns out, it's my sister-in-law's fiance's ex-wife. She lives in the same neighborhood that he has moved to and they met up walking one day and are now going out. I'm wondering if that is the true story, I think that he may have been seeing her before we split up as I found out that she and her second husband were actually split up back in May/June when they both showed up for a cookout for her son with sister-in-law's fiance'. He spent an awful lot of time over at his buddy's house which is only a block from her. Well, I guess the brokeback scenario is out the window! LOL Seriously, looking at the timeline, it does seem like he may have been seeing her all along, and would explain staying at the buddies house So, there we have it....he either left me for OW or he quickly put 15 years behind him to move on within 5 weeks of leaving. I guess the past 15 years have been nothing but a lie, our whole marriage was nothing but a lie too. I was really hoping that this time apart would help him to change....guess not for me, but he probably will for her. I just can't believe that one week he is calling me for booty call and then telling me he just needs to be alone for a while, then bam....he's with someone else within a week. Now I guess that's why he is trying to be "nice". I knew this day would come....and I didn't know how I would handle it....now I am back to wanting to move again...get out of this town and go someplace where I don't know anyone. Don't get caught up in the my whole marriage was a lie bit. 15 years is a long time and a lot of history. I think it would do more damage then good to just hang a black cloud over the whole thing just based on how it ended. Hes shown who he really is though, and hes in for a rough life if this is the kind of man hes choosing to be. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Well, I guess the brokeback scenario is out the window! LOL Seriously, looking at the timeline, it does seem like he may have been seeing her all along, and would explain staying at the buddies houseTOJAZ If she works where I think she does, I did notice some calls on his cell phone to a place where I used to work at....before we split up.
tojaz Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Well, not to stir up the muck any more for you, ig her marriage broke up around June and H left for the first time in July........ Not saying thats what it is, but would make sense. (Sorry) TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Well, not to stir up the muck any more for you, ig her marriage broke up around June and H left for the first time in July........ Not saying thats what it is, but would make sense. (Sorry) TOJAZ Had conversation with my son on the way to school and I guess he's ok with it because it's his friend's mom...but he is adamently against me dating anyone. He's afraid I will wind up dating a psycho.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Ok, so I'm sitting here thinking just how sick this really is....my H is dating the ex-wife of his soon to be brother-in-law which will make his girlfriend's son his nephew. Then if they were to marry, the son would be what? Nephew-step-son? Sick, just sick....why do people do that????????
shh120 Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Had conversation with my son on the way to school and I guess he's ok with it because it's his friend's mom...but he is adamently against me dating anyone. He's afraid I will wind up dating a psycho. My son is against me dating anyone too and threatened to make anyone miserable who even thinks of coming around me! I'm not interested in dating but down the road if I ever do again I might have a rough time!
tojaz Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Had conversation with my son on the way to school and I guess he's ok with it because it's his friend's mom...but he is adamently against me dating anyone. He's afraid I will wind up dating a psycho. That may be because he knows dear old dad LOL (sorry, had to say it ) Nothing wrong with him being a little protective of mom, thats what a good son does. He'll cool off when he adjusts to the whole D thing. Ok, so I'm sitting here thinking just how sick this really is....my H is dating the ex-wife of his soon to be brother-in-law which will make his girlfriend's son his nephew. Then if they were to marry, the son would be what? Nephew-step-son? Sick, just sick....why do people do that???????? Hello Mr. Springer? Do I have a show for you' LOL (sorry in a funny mood today) TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 That may be because he knows dear old dad LOL (sorry, had to say it ) Nothing wrong with him being a little protective of mom, thats what a good son does. He'll cool off when he adjusts to the whole D thing. Hello Mr. Springer? Do I have a show for you' LOL (sorry in a funny mood today) TOJAZ Springer would probably have a field day with my story.....don't think I want to go that far though. )
Author trippi1432 Posted October 30, 2009 Author Posted October 30, 2009 God wants her to know...... that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are. If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God placed barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards. What are you most afraid of? Say it, just start by saying it. I would say right now that would be finding the strength to love and trust again.
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