tojaz Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Wrong Baby Wrong: Martina McBride http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGpij3LY-Nc Oh, good one!!
Gunny376 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Martina McBride Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~!!!!!!!!!! :love::love: :D:D I'm not a celebrity hound but Matina?
Author trippi1432 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Martina McBride Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~!!!!!!!!!! :love::love: :D:D I'm not a celebrity hound but Matina? Not that you're a fan, huh?
Author trippi1432 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Ok, I'm scatching my head on a few things here....H is acting strange since I sent him proof of payment that I hired a lawyer to do the SA, CS and CC. That was on the 19th, a phone call ensued that was not so nice after that. However, our text convos concerning matters such as his insurance, my traveling for business next week and an upcoming testimony my son may have to do for those events last weekend....the H is all of a sudden becoming agreeable, keeping the convo's simple and non-abusive and may even be a little respectable of my wanting limited contact. What? Just last week and earlier this week he was screaming at me, threatening me and saying he would just stay out of both of our lives.....claims he has moved on and has a "lunch partner" so I am assuming a girlfriend....confused....wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.
tojaz Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Sounds to me like he thought you were bluffing on the lawyer and now that he knows you weren't he's going to try and play nice in order to minimize his losses. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Sounds to me like he thought you were bluffing on the lawyer and now that he knows you weren't he's going to try and play nice in order to minimize his losses. TOJAZ True, I need to keep it in that perspective too. I don't think this is one of those "OMG, she's serious, I'm losing my wife!" moments....his friends have probably let him know that he better play nice now.
tojaz Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Yeah, i wouldn't buy the act, he will show his true colors again at the first opportunity I'm sure. Love the new avatar by the way. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 You are probably right....Had to find a new avatar....lost my other one...pout. So I was just sitting here wondering something.....and maybe this is a question for men and MLC....how does a man go from great, passionate sex in a relationship with his wife for many years, but suddenly one day says that he feels like the two of you are just roomies (the whole, I love you, but I'm not in love with you thing)? I thought that most times, if the sex was non-existent in the relationship, that is when the man (or woman) bailed. Trying to work through what I need to do right in my future relationships....one thing for sure....make sure the guy isn't obsessive-compulsive...bi-polar...etc, but outside of the bedroom, what about me makes men leave. I know that I work too much, but I'm at a comfortable spot now and haven't been working that late for almost a year now. I know that I got overly critical and judgemental with my ex (anger and resentment over the drinking) and I take full responsibility for my actions in that part. I've been going to online school....forever, but that is almost done and I am home doing it after everyone goes to bed. Sometimes I saved big projects for the weekend and major finals. My H and I had an agreement, he would help with the housework, laundry...etc due to my work schedule and school....and the fact that I took on most of the parenting and financial duties.....and I know that was one of his complaints as well. Since he's been gone, I've been doing it all and it just comes natural. Laundry sucks, but it has to get done....yes that came from a Divorce Coach. My H liked having his space and freedom, and I gave him that...maybe too much. But he would complain, complain and complain about anything and everything....nothing could make him happy for the past year and a half. He claims that due to his chronic complaining, I made many comments over 6 months ago that if he wasn't happy, he should just leave. I think I was at my wit's end. And, he brings this up anytime we talk as a way to say..."Hey, I just did what you told me." Just trying to think back....I know my anger over the drinking, gambling...etc made me B*****y when he got into his "moods", but I don't recall just ever out and out looking for a fight with him. Most of the time, it was his mood or something that he would say that would set us off....and oh, there were many knives. My first ex could hurt me to the core without saying anything at all....as a matter a fact, he never yelled, raised his voice or anything....he just couldn't keep it in his pants.... But he wasn't moody, just wasn't husband material and we were very young. We weren't together long anyways....but 15 years.....how to you go from husband and wife to "roomies"? Anyone?
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Thats a good question trippi, wish i had an answer for you. I've always thought, and have seen many times on LS, that LYBNILWY was just a catch all for something deeper that the walkaway didn't want to admit or have to face. You actually say in your last post that you were judjmental and describe yourself as b***hy for having a problem with him being a drunk! Are you serious!! Don't fall into the trap so many others fall into of constructing ways to blame yourself for his shortcomings. My take on your story has been that he was a selfish man that acted more as a child. Selfish and emotionaly unavailable, not to mention completely oblivious to the feelings and concerns of others. At least at the end. He will say and do anything in his power to lay the blame on your shoulders, but that isn't where it belongs. He broke it, and he was unwilling to fix it. Sad but simple and true. Don't take his blame from him, take whats yours and leave him whats his. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Thats a good question trippi, wish i had an answer for you. I've always thought, and have seen many times on LS, that LYBNILWY was just a catch all for something deeper that the walkaway didn't want to admit or have to face. You actually say in your last post that you were judjmental and describe yourself as b***hy for having a problem with him being a drunk! Are you serious!! Don't fall into the trap so many others fall into of constructing ways to blame yourself for his shortcomings. My take on your story has been that he was a selfish man that acted more as a child. Selfish and emotionaly unavailable, not to mention completely oblivious to the feelings and concerns of others. At least at the end. He will say and do anything in his power to lay the blame on your shoulders, but that isn't where it belongs. He broke it, and he was unwilling to fix it. Sad but simple and true. Don't take his blame from him, take whats yours and leave him whats his. TOJAZ Thanks for the feedback....and it makes sense...I guess what I don't get is in the beginning, he said things to, I guess, help me get over it or validate his reasons for leaving....things like, this is for the best, we never got along, I thought I would be further along in life by now with my own business or at my company, you deserve better, you'll be happier without me, I never put you first, will not do that the next time in my relationships, wanted to do things to help me, be friends......etc...etc...etc. I guess that was all just his way of making himself feel like he made the right choice. It was when I told him that we couldn't be friends...I just can't do that right now, that's when the hostility and the fighting started again. He found out that I was going to go on a lunch date with a classmate who was passing through town and now all of a sudden he has a "lunch partner". The week before, when he was trying to want to take things slow and screwed that up with a booty call, he was talking about being alone, next week....he has a "lunch partner"...LOL! I canceled my lunch date with my classmate because my H called me and wanted to take things slow and maybe work on things a few weeks ago. Now, he says that we could never work on things because neither of us trust what the other has been doing over these past 2 months. I can totally agree with that part....I don't trust him anymore....emotionally, will never trust him again with my feelings. Now that he truly knows that I have filed....he's being nice and amicable again...the other night when I talked to him and sent him proof, either he was drinking or had been crying....couldn't tell, but he sounded choked up. No, I'm not feeling sorry for him, just wondering why he would put us all through the torture, I guess.
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 It's a coping mechanism leavers use. They try to justify and to try to make it sound like its for your own good or even that deep down it's what you wanted/needed. Like they are falling on their sword for your own good. A way of shifting the blame from their shoulders so they aren't perceived as the bad guy or the cause of the break up. I guess it's how walk aways sleep at night. My wife did the same to me. Even told me it was because she thought I wanted it or because she didn't deserve me. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 It's a coping mechanism leavers use. They try to justify and to try to make it sound like its for your own good or even that deep down it's what you wanted/needed. Like they are falling on their sword for your own good. A way of shifting the blame from their shoulders so they aren't perceived as the bad guy or the cause of the break up. I guess it's how walk aways sleep at night. My wife did the same to me. Even told me it was because she thought I wanted it or because she didn't deserve me. TOJAZ It's just sad.....there are days when I just can't look at old pics of the kids because it all feels like a lie...like I was just a convenience...not a real piece of his life that truly mattered. And I keep trying to figure out what, why did he even zone in on me to begin with.....could have just kept walking 15 years ago and my life would have taken a different path...sigh.
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I think I told you before, but, It's the experiences in life good and bad that make us who we are, that make our life what it is. This situation is a killer, but you also would have missed out on years of good, would have missed out on the kids, and all those memories and pictures your looking at. Also would not let you create the songs or poems you write. I guess in the end, we are the result of the path our life takes, not a slave to it. I had 13 great years with my wife, and 7 months that have hurt like hell, yet I wouldn't trade even one second of my time with her to make all that pain go away. End result as well, while i miss her dearly, I would not be the guy here trying to help others or have learned so much about myself had this not have happened. Which would mean that i would not have been here to answer threads to the handful of folks willing to listen to my ramblings. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Earlier today I text my H and asked if he could "sit" with his son later in the week as I have a late flight in from a business trip. He basicially said Absolutely! Thanks! Later, he starts texting me asking if our son is ok. He was trying to call him and couldn't get an answer. This was around 11pm. Our son was on a field trip with his school at a theme park, so I explained that to him and that he was fine. He states, I hope that is the case I really do love him. Then I made a comment about how the other day our son called me over to give me a hug and said you can be here in a minute. I asked our son what he meant by that and he said because now I know that someone can be here one minute and gone the next (due to the child in our neighborhood that died last weekend). That just touched my heart. My H shoots back that it goes the same with personalities, life sucks and then we go to work. I wasn't sure where that was going, so I asked him what he meant. He stated that "People change, I am guilty of it. as far as work goes it sucks". At this point, I was cautious because I wasn't sure if he was trying to coax me into some text proof on saying something bad about my job to try and use it against me, so I just said work sucks, but we all have to do it and I am starting to actually like my job again. Ppl do change and I am seeing that at my work. He said he was happy for me, then I said, you sound depressed, r u drinking.....? BAM!! Dead silence after that, no angry phone calls, no angry texts back......WOW! So, I'm looking over this conversation and I notice that the conversation isn't really about our son...if it were, something would have struck him as to how mature he was in noting the importance of the people he loves in his life....instead, the conversation moved to personality issues and he hates his job. Again, I think that this was selfish intentions.....again with wanting to be amicable now that he knows I hired the attorney and maybe he is realizing he has a personality disorder.....waiting for him to quit his job next. Just not sure what is going on in this man's mind.
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I read that a few times, and I still don't get what hes trying to say. It sounds like hes not happy with something within himself, like you said, but it's very vague. The fact that he backed off when you asked if he was drinking is very telling though, I have a feeling your next conversation will be quite interesting. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I read that a few times, and I still don't get what hes trying to say. It sounds like hes not happy with something within himself, like you said, but it's very vague. The fact that he backed off when you asked if he was drinking is very telling though, I have a feeling your next conversation will be quite interesting. TOJAZ It probably will be interesting, he will be sober and be hateful most likely. I think that he misses his son a lot, he hasn't seen him in almost going on 2 weeks, but I only told him no overnights until child custody was established. That does not mean he can't come see him, take him to dinner, to a movie....bowling...etc. So he jumped on the chance to stay with him Wednesday night for while. He's definitely not happy with himself...which is one of the reasons he left, he said that he felt that he lost his soul....like there was something missing in himself (MLC). He knew though, when I asked him if he was drinking, to back off. I told him several weeks ago to never, ever call me or the son when he has been drinking....that goes for text messages as well. He doesn't live here anymore, therefore I can make those boundaries and he needs to respect them.
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 It probably will be interesting, he will be sober and be hateful most likely. I think that he misses his son a lot, he hasn't seen him in almost going on 2 weeks, but I only told him no overnights until child custody was established. That does not mean he can't come see him, take him to dinner, to a movie....bowling...etc. So he jumped on the chance to stay with him Wednesday night for while. He's definitely not happy with himself...which is one of the reasons he left, he said that he felt that he lost his soul....like there was something missing in himself (MLC). He knew though, when I asked him if he was drinking, to back off. I told him several weeks ago to never, ever call me or the son when he has been drinking....that goes for text messages as well. He doesn't live here anymore, therefore I can make those boundaries and he needs to respect them. I agree, except for how the next conversation will go. I think he will be a little embarassed that you called him out on his drinking and will probably be looking to downplay that and continue with his nice guy routine of late. Just a guess though LOL TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 God wants her to know... ... that you are not to shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find and keep. The quickest way to find love is to give love. If you want it too badly, you will not find it. The most secure way to keep love is to give it space and care to grow. If you hold it too tightly, you will lose it. Yep, this is why I have decided the best thing for me is to not date for at least a year. I don't mean that I am going to become a shut-in, but going out with the girlfriends is enough for now.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Mine: It's time to stop riding that one particular person so hard. Their methods may not be similar to yours -- in fact, they may be entirely different from your own -- but that doesn't mean they're wrong, or that they're doing anything underhanded. Let up a bit -- and consider having a nice, honest heart-to-heart. You both might learn something from it. At the very least, you'll put this silent feud to rest. His: You've been telling yourself for weeks that this is right -- that it's time to take that one giant step toward intimacy. Now that the offical moment seems to have arrived, however, your're not quite so sure. Well, nothing has been written in stone to start with -- and you can always decide against this if it doesn't feel right. Don't be afraid to stop the process right where it is. Hmmm, interesting.........perhaps "lunch partner" is getting serious? As for heart to heart talks with my ex..... Always results in just blame, blame, blame on both parties. Not worth the heartache.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Well, based on the conversations with the ex over the past couple of days, and knowing that he hasn't seen his son in the past two weeks, I thought that I would invite the ex to pick up his son and take him to dinner tonight. For one, his father has offered absolutely no emotional support to this child over the events that happened last weekend; however he's telling me how much he loves his son and misses him and to please let him be in his life and be a father to him. Yeah, right....conversation ended last night with me asking him if he was drinking....today I get the I have plans today and tomorrow, wish you had told me earlier in the week...hmmm, let's see, if I knew that my son had witnessed a horrific event, my ass would have been right over there making sure that he was alright. I did send him a text back to tell him that I thought I would offer because he sounded as if he sincerely missed his son. I understand if his plans today cannot include him. Once the custody is work out, he will be able to see him according to that and not unexpected scenarios. I know that works better for him. Seems like I am the only one in this triangle who remembers that parenting is a 24/7 job, 365 days out of the year.
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 It's only a 24/7 job for devoted parents unfortunately. My mom was strictly 9 to 5! LOL Sounds like he is the same way. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 It's only a 24/7 job for devoted parents unfortunately. My mom was strictly 9 to 5! LOL Sounds like he is the same way. TOJAZ He's not even 9 to 5....he's only when it's convenient....but, it gives me even more evidence in court that he is not a sufficient parent to this child, for that matter, hasn't really been one for 14 years.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Well, based on the conversations with the ex over the past couple of days, and knowing that he hasn't seen his son in the past two weeks, I thought that I would invite the ex to pick up his son and take him to dinner tonight. For one, his father has offered absolutely no emotional support to this child over the events that happened last weekend; however he's telling me how much he loves his son and misses him and to please let him be in his life and be a father to him. Yeah, right....conversation ended last night with me asking him if he was drinking....today I get the I have plans today and tomorrow, wish you had told me earlier in the week...hmmm, let's see, if I knew that my son had witnessed a horrific event, my ass would have been right over there making sure that he was alright. I did send him a text back to tell him that I thought I would offer because he sounded as if he sincerely missed his son. I understand if his plans today cannot include him. Once the custody is work out, he will be able to see him according to that and not unexpected scenarios. I know that works better for him. Seems like I am the only one in this triangle who remembers that parenting is a 24/7 job, 365 days out of the year. Well, did get a response on the text message on his sincerity and that once the custody is worked out it will make it easier for him to make his plans.....a simple, OK, thanks. What an ass.
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 He's not even 9 to 5....he's only when it's convenient....but, it gives me even more evidence in court that he is not a sufficient parent to this child, for that matter, hasn't really been one for 14 years. Well, that goes back to words v/s actions. His words said one thing, but when the opportunity for him to step up and be the father he said he wanted to be, he shrank away from the responsibility, leaving it on your shoulders.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Well, that goes back to words v/s actions. His words said one thing, but when the opportunity for him to step up and be the father he said he wanted to be, he shrank away from the responsibility, leaving it on your shoulders. You make a great point there, and that has pretty much how it has been since our son was born. I've been the one to nurture, set the rules, discipline, ensure that he is taken care of....it's like I've been a single mom for 15 years already when it comes to our son. I'm really worried for him, he has not been out to play all week, I keep having to turn his friends down when they come knocking on the door to play. I asked him tonight when he thought he would be going back out to play and he said he didn't know, didn't feel like it and it was too depressing. My son had a really hard time back when one of our neighbors died a couple of years ago, the man was like a dad to him, and his son and my son were very close. At that time, my H was here and he did try to step up and help...but this time, as he said personalities change....he's too selfish to be a father now.
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