cartierbenjamin Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I have a question. I have been talking to this girl for a couple of months. At first when we would hangout I didn't make any moves on her, but enjoyed her company. Months down the road we've gotten intimate. I told her I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone, due to past situations and being content, but I want everything to remain the same between us and I am not dealing with anyone else, which I'm not. I vowed that I wouldn't talk to anyone else like that. At first she was upset, but then she said she is cool with it. I also told her to not catch feeling, but over time she caugh feelings. So the other day she asked me "what are we doing? because you treat me like your girlfriend, but I'm not?". She also stated she doesn't want me to come over anymore, because she likes me so much that it hurts to be around me, knowing I'm not her boyfriend. So my question is am I in the wrong? I'm wondering why does she want the title so bad...cause I'm doing everything a boyfriend would do I just not ready anytime soon to be anyones boyfriend.
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 My friend, you already ARE her boyfriend. You just haven't labelled it as such. What she's concerned about is that she might think you're giving yourself license to go out and date/sleep with other women. Doesn't matter that your reality isn't like that, what matters is her perception of it. It's not about wrong or right, it's just about perception. What, specifically, is giving you the heebie-jeebies about the whole "boyfriend-girlfriend" label?
New Again Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I don't get it. If you're doing everything a bf would do anyways, why wouldn't you want to be called her bf? You already are. That doesn't make any sense. Do you use that line - I'm not your bf - when she gets upset about something, or are you using that as a way of alleviating your guilt if you hurt her in the future? I'm not going to go so far as to say who's in the wrong here. She wants commitment from you. That's her right. You don't want to commit to her. That's your right. So, since your goals/wants/needs don't line up, it's the right of both of you to stop seeing the other and putting yourself in a bad situation (yes, it is a bad situation). She has used that right. The end.
Author cartierbenjamin Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 In the past I've screwed when getting into one. Also I give my all when in a relationship and if it doesn't workout I'm going to be devastated all over again like the past. Another factor is she is not from the same area I'm from she goes to school out here and she probably will be going to graduate school in another date. So I see it as one day we will have to go our own ways because of our goals. What I dont understand is why it is so imporatant to have that title? I feel like If she thinks a title will make me a faithful dude..that doesn't make sense, because a man in a relationship or not in one is going to do what he wants to do. She should take my word that there is nobody else in the picture. Also if she is stressing being in a relationship so much I feel like she expects so much more, cause I think I'm doing a good job of what I'm doing now.
Author cartierbenjamin Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Her reasoning for wanting to be in a relationship is that when she dealt with guys in her past without a title they stepped to the side and messed with another girl who ended up being his girlfriend. The problem is I'm not going to be anyones s/o. Whether I meet the next girl, or the next model.
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 In the past I've screwed when getting into one. Also I give my all when in a relationship and if it doesn't workout I'm going to be devastated all over again like the past.Now we're getting somewhere. First of all, you're using your past history with other people and coloring your current relationship with it. But they are different people, with different drives, needs, desires and all the rest. Secondly, when you say you give your all in a relationship, how does that manifest itself? Too much contact? Do you start to become clingy? Spend too much money? Let her make all the decisions? What does this "giving it all" actually look like?
Author cartierbenjamin Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 I don't get it. If you're doing everything a bf would do anyways, why wouldn't you want to be called her bf? You already are. That doesn't make any sense. Do you use that line - I'm not your bf - when she gets upset about something, or are you using that as a way of alleviating your guilt if you hurt her in the future? I'm not going to go so far as to say who's in the wrong here. She wants commitment from you. That's her right. You don't want to commit to her. That's your right. So, since your goals/wants/needs don't line up, it's the right of both of you to stop seeing the other and putting yourself in a bad situation (yes, it is a bad situation). She has used that right. The end. Nah I never said "your not my girlfriend"....she said she is sick of dealing with wack dudes. So I come around and she really enhoys MY company..I treat her like a girlfriend but she wants that title so bad that she is willing to take me out her life when Im making her happy at the end of the day. I could see if I was talking to other girls and doing outlandish stuff then I would be fine with it. But I'm not. It sad cause its like Nice Guys finish las for being Nice. I cant win or lose.
Author cartierbenjamin Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Now we're getting somewhere. First of all, you're using your past history with other people and coloring your current relationship with it. But they are different people, with different drives, needs, desires and all the rest. Secondly, when you say you give your all in a relationship, how does that manifest itself? Too much contact? Do you start to become clingy? Spend too much money? Let her make all the decisions? What does this "giving it all" actually look like? Me expecting much from a female. If I get dissapointed by some of her actions I can tell myself "Why am I trippin she is not my girlfriend"......Instead of me being a hurt dissapointed bf.
sally4sara Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I think what is bothering her isn't the lack of title, but that you told her to not "catch feelings". Its like you told her you want her around but don't care about her nor want her to care about you. Why would she want to continue to invest her time with someone who she thinks doesn't care about her? And since she now does care about you and you told her you don't want her to care, she can only tell you to not come around anymore.
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Me expecting much from a female. If I get dissapointed by some of her actions I can tell myself "Why am I trippin she is not my girlfriend"......Instead of me being a hurt dissapointed bf.Well, expectations and disappointments are all part of the equation, whether it's a romantic relationship or not. Are you prepared to lose your relationship with her over this?
Lucky555 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Nah I never said "your not my girlfriend"....she said she is sick of dealing with wack dudes. So I come around and she really enhoys MY company..I treat her like a girlfriend but she wants that title so bad that she is willing to take me out her life when Im making her happy at the end of the day. I could see if I was talking to other girls and doing outlandish stuff then I would be fine with it. But I'm not. It sad cause its like Nice Guys finish las for being Nice. I cant win or lose. I have been in the situation of where your girl is. THE TITLE HAS MEANING! Even if you two are getting along great, being a boyfriend says, I care about this girl and she is only with me. It reinforces that YOU CARE. If you don't care about her then leave, because obviously if you don't want to be called her boyfriend you don't care about her enough. Without the title it means, your not the one for me and I am looking for someone better and your just "the right now girl". OUCH. Sounds like she wants something MEANINGFUL. The guy that was like you had previously been hurt too. Yes we all become cautious when we feel pain and don't want to feel it again, but if you want to be with the girl you need to get over it! Its easy to say but be mindful and give the girl a chance before you start making judgments. Get to know her and let her know you, so you can actually begin to trust and be happy. The result of my relationship with a guy like you was that I ENDED it. I felt i was only "the girl right now", even though he said he wasn't with anyone else. it means he didn't care about me enough to call me his girlfriend. That really hurts and I couldn't keep continuing a relationship that stood like that. I can't trust someone and become closer to someone who can't do the same for me because he is scared of getting hurt. It sounds like your keeping her at a distance and you don't want to commit to her out of fear. I think you should become her "boyfriend" because it will make her happy, isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? Compromise, making each other happy, and embracing your connection? The title has meaning remember this, it simply says your committed to only her. Its not like things would change, it would strengthen your relationship and it kind of is like bonding/being a team. Good luck
Author cartierbenjamin Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 I have been in the situation of where your girl is. THE TITLE HAS MEANING! Even if you two are getting along great, being a boyfriend says, I care about this girl and she is only with me. It reinforces that YOU CARE. If you don't care about her then leave, because obviously if you don't want to be called her boyfriend you don't care about her enough. Without the title it means, your not the one for me and I am looking for someone better and your just "the right now girl". OUCH. Sounds like she wants something MEANINGFUL. The guy that was like you had previously been hurt too. Yes we all become cautious when we feel pain and don't want to feel it again, but if you want to be with the girl you need to get over it! Its easy to say but be mindful and give the girl a chance before you start making judgments. Get to know her and let her know you, so you can actually begin to trust and be happy. The result of my relationship with a guy like you was that I ENDED it. I felt i was only "the girl right now", even though he said he wasn't with anyone else. it means he didn't care about me enough to call me his girlfriend. That really hurts and I couldn't keep continuing a relationship that stood like that. I can't trust someone and become closer to someone who can't do the same for me because he is scared of getting hurt. It sounds like your keeping her at a distance and you don't want to commit to her out of fear. I think you should become her "boyfriend" because it will make her happy, isn't that what relationships are supposed to be about? Compromise, making each other happy, and embracing your connection? The title has meaning remember this, it simply says your committed to only her. Its not like things would change, it would strengthen your relationship and it kind of is like bonding/being a team. Good luck I agree with what everyone is saying. Thanks for the advice. I do genuinely care about her...My next wife can approach me and I would still feel the same way of not getting in a relationship. What she seems to not realize is it is not her, It's me Who doesn't want to get in one with anybody. I see it the same way as "Does she really want to leave the man that she adores and makes her happy, because she wants to be in a relationship so bad?" I feel like the Title outshines my character is she putting a title on the pedastal when I'm doing all the right things.
New Again Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 You're not getting it - you only see your point of view. It still comes down to, no one's wrong here, you just want different things. Therefore it is perfectly reasonable for her to not want to see you anymore. She wants something that you don't want to give her.
westrock Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I'm doing everything a boyfriend would do I just not ready anytime soon to be anyones boyfriend. You're already doing everything a boyfriend would do, so what more has to happen before you will be someone's "boyfriend"?
Toasted Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Sounds to me like either: 1) You just aren't into her (hey - isn't there a book on that, lol?) 2) Your scared and not ready for a relationship. Either way - she is sensing it and shipping you out. It is what it is - no one can fault you for your reasonings. But it sounds like she's been patient and you've pushed her to her limit. So a question for your question is - why should she stick around for a possible future boyfriend if she can cut you lose and get a for sure one? If you really really like her - go for it, its mot wedding bells or anything. But if not - let her go - it's not fair to ask her to give up something that means so much to her...
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