So I broke down, and I cried

[moo]

I got lost in my ex too. I did indeed lose myself. Emotionally, I built my world around him. He knew it too. He strung me along for a long time and then POOF, he was a stranger. Sometimes even when I don't cry, I cry inside. I want to call him today, but my roommate keeps telling me "NO."

 

It's still hard for me to believe that my ex was really that mean to me after I nutured him, was emotionally supportive of him and loved him. He did tell me that he did not want someone who was emotionally supportive and he thought he would do better with a colder woman. He was married to a woman that turned away from him when he had problems and never asked to help. He liked that. He also liked the fact that when he was sick, his wife didn't try to help him or check up on him...she just left him alone.

(Hmmm, if they were such a good match then why is it when he comes over to get his son, she screams at him?). Also, his ex before me was VERY selfish, but he loved her very, very much. Be that as it may, he also told me he would never stop trying with our relationship and that he loved me. All of a sudden, he starts blaming me for egregious things that HE did...that I had no control over. It was like, when he left me, he thought of any excuse he could just to "get out of there." (Sigh), my heart still cries for the way he treated me and because he threw his new girlfriend in my face, a gf he started dating when I didn't even know it was over between us. I cry inside. I am starting to accept things, but I have days when I slip, like today...when I tell myself...no, there must be some kind of explanation that makes sense.

 

Today I came across an email from him that I had saved on my flash drive. He told me in the email that I could ask him anything and he would be straight with me. He told me he has nothing to hide from me. Gosh, I really believed him. After all the lies he told in the relationship and all of the unanswered questions, I realize I never really knew him. I really believed in him. He told me so many lies, I don't know up from down when I look back at the relationship.

[westernxer]

This is why people become atheists.

 

Or alcoholics. LOL

[moo]

Exit, everyone is different. Your story may turn out differently. Therapy can be GREAT! It's good that you are going on Monday. You might get over her sooner than you think. I think you should stay away from all women right now and give yourself a chance to heal. Develop a relationship with yourself.

[Thomas X Forever]

Yes, as much as hope's post scares me too, I know that therapy can help you. I chose psychology for a reason. It is the ONLY savior of our sanity. You can be helped exit, just like me. Chances are, the pain I feel, the obsession in my head, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, it's all anxiety. And anxiety can be treated with medication and be very successful.

 

On monday I'll be making an appointment with a doctor. I want to get put on anxiety meds. I can't even relax, you all have no idea how bad this pain has got. I just want to relax, and I can't. I can imagine relaxing, and have a strong desire for it, but I can't. Ever since I started crying, it's been hell. I haven't stopped thinking about my ex for even one full minute. It is absolutely hell.

[melissa123]

Hey Tom

 

I dont know what to say coz I suck at giving advice

But im always here to listen and lend a helping hand if you need it. I always read your posts and im praying for your speedy recovery.

 

Mell xox

[Thomas X Forever]

melissa its always good to hear from you... you're about the only original person I remember from a good 7 or so months ago when I first came here. You and me go way back. I wonder what happened to some of the people I first got close with... a lot have up and vanished..

 

But melissa, you should contact me sometime.. I'd love to hear how you're doing..... better than me I hope. AIM = Not ThomasX

 

and my website/myspace can be found if you click on my name, then go to the "Contact" tab

[melissa123]

Sad isn't it that we have been on here so long

 

I think I may have sent you a PM a while back? But knowing my internet skills it probably didnt get sent!! I was wondering if you ever heard back from that letter you wrote?

 

Im just more of the same old ...

 

Sigh something has got to give soon

[Thomas X Forever]

Nope melissa she never had the decency to even say she got it. Truly a shame, I once believed she was someone better than who she really was.

 

Toss me a new PM, give me some details. I know how things have got to give soon. I'm going to try anxiety pills. There are literally real prescription anxiety pills that make you feel the euphoria you feel when you're drunk. I DON'T drink at ALL, but when I RARELY do, the feeling I get is freedom. When I'm drunk, I don't feel the pain. But I refuse to be an alcohol, so I haven't gotten drunk in about 4 months. But I will get pills and use them wisely.

[Thornton]

On monday I'll be making an appointment with a doctor. I want to get put on anxiety meds. I can't even relax, you all have no idea how bad this pain has got. I just want to relax, and I can't. I can imagine relaxing, and have a strong desire for it, but I can't. Ever since I started crying, it's been hell. I haven't stopped thinking about my ex for even one full minute. It is absolutely hell.

 

Thomas, anxiety medication will only treat the symptoms, not the cause. In addition, many of them are opiates and are highly addictive. I fail to see how doping yourself up will heal the pain, all it will do is space you out so you stop thinking about it. This is not a long term solution

 

The problem here is that you have decided that your ex is the only woman for you, so you no longer feel hope about finding someone new. You have pinned all your hopes and dreams on an unattainable woman, and you feel like your future is empty without her, you love and miss her so much. You have no hope for anything in your life without her, and perhaps you also feel helpless because there's no way you can get what you so badly want. You need to take control of your own life instead of letting someone else rule it - think about what you want as an individual, what goals and dreams do you have? Stop pinning all these things on her; find yourself again instead of relying on someone else to give you happiness and fulfilment.

 

Also, you're only thinking about your own feelings, not hers - do you really want someone who clearly doesn't love you? Someone with a healthy amount of self respect will be able to say that they don't want someone who doesn't want them. You're sitting around wishing she loved you, instead of accepting the truth that she doesn't and you deserve someone who does. She clearly isn't right for you, because if you two fitted together she would love you back - and she doesn't, so obvously you don't fit, but you can't see it because of your own obsession. You don't just love her, you need her - and you needing her says a lot more about you than it does about her. You need her even though there are obviously problems in the relationship that led to it ending, you need someone who obviously doesn't reciprocate your love and attention - why do you think you need and miss her so much?

 

PS I hope you don't think I'm being rude, but it's very worrying when you talk about crying non-stop and wanting drugs to make the pain go away. You're doing this to yourself and she doesn't even care that you're getting yourself down on rock bottom, so what's the point? The only person you're hurting is yourself. My mother used to tell me that you have to pick yourself up eventually, so you might as well do it early because if you wait until you hit rock bottom it'll be 10x harder to pick yourself up. You're letting yourself sink further and further, and you need to make a decision to stop sinking and start picking yourself up.

[aloneanddepressed]

 

 

 

Also, you're only thinking about your own feelings, not hers - do you really want someone who clearly doesn't love you? Someone with a healthy amount of self respect will be able to say that they don't want someone who doesn't want them. You're sitting around wishing she loved you, instead of accepting the truth that she doesn't and you deserve someone who does. She clearly isn't right for you, because if you two fitted together she would love you back - and she doesn't, so obvously you don't fit, but you can't see it because of your own obsession.

 

 

 

OK. I think you have made it clear that SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM. Show some compassion. Jeez..."Do you really want someone who clearly doesn't love you?". Maybe she isn't in love with him, but doesn't mean she doesn't love him or has ZERO feelings for him. You make it sound like she despises him. There are other reasons why relationships don't work out. Yeah I think you are being a little rude. Sorry, I'm in a bad mood.

[Exit]

Yeah I'm not really interested in medication from the doctor. Too many side effects from all of that crap. I just want to know if I really loved my ex, or if I'm a dependent person and just can't let go. I don't really believe in medicine for your emotions, although I know modern science argues that your brain can get an illness just like your body. I trust my emotions, I believe that I'm sad when I'm supposed to be sad and happy when I'm supposed to be happy. If I was waking up in a mansion every day with a beautiful wife and spent all day crying, maybe I'd need pills. Right now I think my emotions are justified, not a chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

Thronton I liked your post. It made me feel a little better. My only argument against the "if she was right for you she'd want to be with you" thing is that I was a jerk, I did mess up, and I don't expect her to start loving that person again. I have changed since then and my only way of showing her is by explaining through email because she refuses to hang out. I'm not hurt that she broke up with the version of me three months ago, I'm hurt that I'm still not worth it after a monumental effort to learn and change.

[moo]

yes, it's good to trust your emotions and want to experience them...the good and the bad. But if the saddness is so much that it is interfering with your life and it's been going on for quite a while, you might want to explore going on meds with your doctor.

 

I'm on Celexa. It doesn't work as good as Lexapro for me, so I'm going back on Lexapro. I suffer from Dysthymic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Dysthymia is mild depression, but it is chronic. Major Depression Disorder is much stronger, but it comes and it goes. Some times I wish I had MDD instead of DD. Even though I have dysthymia, I do love to laugh a lot and some people are suprised that I actually have it. Because of what happened to me with my ex, I am now suffering from Double Depression, which is Major Depression symptoms on top of Dysthymia.

 

For the most part, the Lexapro keeps me even. I usually still feel very sad if something happens to me, but I don't go down really far. If I happened to go down far, it's not for that long. There was one incident, with my ex before my current ex. He was cruel too. Very much so. I felt anguish in my head, but in my heart..it was just stuck. I was numb. I dont' know if it was because of the meds, or if I was just traumatized. There was however periods when I really felt the sadness.

 

Overall, Lexapro is a good medicine for me. It also helps with my anxiety, although I have to take something to help me sleep as well.

[aloneanddepressed]

I have anxiety too, but I've never taken any prescription meds for it. I've tried a few natural supplements, which help a little but not much. I don't like the sound of taken pills. It sounds very addictive, and honestly a lot of people I know who are on them, they still have a lot of anxiety and all. What is the point.

[hoping2heal]

Thomas, yes please do really think hard about anxiety meds. I had an anxiety attack and had to go into the hospital for it, they gave me anxiety meds. After a short lived experience with them (felt totally doped up) I decided I didn't want to get it into my head- that the way to deal with my anxiety was by taking a pill. I have dealt with my anxiety the old fashioned way since and it works without making me feel like a doped up zombie Now, my anxiety stems from ptsd due to childhood sexual abuse, and not a break up; but anxiety is anxiety and I don't believe we need pills to cure it. I only speak that because I'm living it. If I had no idea what it was like to have anxiety attacks etc, or the experience with medication vs. without it, I really would have no business making such a bold statement. The "legal" drugs they give us really aren't much better for our bodies than some of the "illegal" or alchohol. So you're really only switching a left shoe for a right shoe at the end of the day. I would maybe try finding a therapist that you are receptive too. I was against going to a therapist for 90 percent of my natural life, and now that I've found one I feel good with and comfortable sharing with, it's changed my life and helped me deal with a lot of my issues.

[Thomas X Forever]

Hoping, thank you for sharing something so powerful as to how you were abused as a child. That can't be easy to openly share, so you should be commended for it. And thank you for the good advice.

 

Moo, thornton, Alone&D, Exit... thank you all for your input. It was nice to hear all your viewpoints, and I took something away from all of it.

 

 

Back to you, though, hoping... See, the thing about some anxiety meds, is there are instant ones, and ones that take a few weeks to set in. The instant ones turn you to a zombie. Those aren't good by any means, and I don't recommend them. However, the ones that take a few weeks to set in... those are the ones that are much less dramatic. No zombying, in my opinion. This anxiety is just too much for me to handle on my own anymore. It's becoming obsessive compulsive disorder, the way I can't stop thinking about her.

[hoping2heal]

Hello again Thomas,

 

It's not that difficult sharing my abuse anymore. There was a time I said nothing for about 15 years, and when I first started sharing it was DAMN HARD, but after telling the mother and sister of one of my abusers (who happened to be my aunt and cousin who I was EXTREMELY close with, closer than all the rest of my family) trust me, talking about it in an anonymous forum isn't skin on my nose. I've decided not to let someone elses big, dirty, secret become mine. Sure, I have been through very painful things, but I've come a hell of a long way and I've refused meds. I have a therapist, I read books, I speak with others, I journal. What happened to me tainted the first 20 or so years of my life, but I'm taking that back now.

 

As for the meds, I understand that some may have a less instantaneous affect, but do you really want to get yourself thinking that your sanity is relient on a pill? Because that's the psychology that will take place. Especially if you do start feeling better, that isn't to say you will misuse the pills, no. But you will naturally begin to associate that pill with your relief. That's where it's dangerous.

[moo]

There are techniques that can bring down your anxiety, like deep breathing. There are several different methods to deep breathing that therapsits use. It's best to discuss it with a therapist. Deep breathing ranges from just breathing more slowly, to a rhythm method of breathing more slolwy, holding, releasing, holding. There are several cognitive behvavioral techniques that can bring anxiety down.

 

For alot of situations, meds and therapy works best. As I said Lexapro is for depression, but it also works for anxiety too. It did not turn me into a zombie at all....okay, wait....when I first took it, it made me sleep, so I took it at night time, but that was for a few weeks, then it kept me up at night, so I switched to the morning. Even though it kept me up at night, it didn't make me anxious.

 

I never had to take a particular med more than once a day. Anxiety and depression many times go hand in hand. If you do suffer from depression, talk to your doctor or therapist about treating the depression, it will probably affect you less than if you were treated anxiety with meds.

[utterer of lies]

I hate to break it to you Utterer but that link is not to your post. It merely hints that you may have made a post previously under another name. Since you may not remember your previous usernames, here are some suggestions as they seem to fit your personality:

"Speaker of BS"

"Verbalizer of crap"

"Articulator of filth"

"Mutterer of rubbish"

"Declarer of refuse"

When you find your "real" original post let us know. In the meantime, you're just a troll that no one finds at all interesting. You're kind of like that guy on the street corner with the "Will work for food sign". We know we shouldn't look at you, but we do.

In regards to the "help" you've given other people...go back to those threads. You'll find no one singing your praises here!

 

Oh, why so aggressive? All those vile words...are they helping anyone? Are they helping you?

[utterer of lies]

I think Utterer of Lies may be trying to help in his own way. I think he may see things differently as other people do.

 

Now that much is obvious.

 

Utterer, I'm just curious. Why are you in this forum? Are you in pain? Do you feel alone? Do you want help, but do not know how to ask for it?

 

Haha, no. I was here more than a year ago when I was suffering, and did get help. Then I forgot about this forum. Then somehow I remembered, and came back, and started to spread my wisdom

 

Why many people think I must be suffering and hurting right now I do not know. I feel great. Still, I think that open, direct and sometimes provoking statements are the best advice.

[utterer of lies]

Hoping, thank you for sharing something so powerful as to how you were abused as a child. That can't be easy to openly share, so you should be commended for it. And thank you for the good advice.

 

Moo, thornton, Alone&D, Exit... thank you all for your input. It was nice to hear all your viewpoints, and I took something away from all of it.

 

 

Back to you, though, hoping... See, the thing about some anxiety meds, is there are instant ones, and ones that take a few weeks to set in. The instant ones turn you to a zombie. Those aren't good by any means, and I don't recommend them. However, the ones that take a few weeks to set in... those are the ones that are much less dramatic. No zombying, in my opinion. This anxiety is just too much for me to handle on my own anymore. It's becoming obsessive compulsive disorder, the way I can't stop thinking about her.

 

 

Please don't take meds to get over a broken heart. Seems unethical to describe it, even...

 

 

You are stronger than this. Neither anxiety nor the broken bond to her have the power to destroy you, no matter what you might think right now. But if you just numb the pain with meds you might never realize this.

 

Some things, you just have to go through and become stronger for it.

[moo]

As far as meds go. I look at it like this. Sometimes a trauma can bring us down so far...it seems impossible to get back up. It's like the brain and the heart took a hit at the same time.

 

Some people may just be sad for a while...that's normal. But if you are soooo down that you can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything, not for quite a long time....then it becomes more than sadness (some may have thoughts of suicide, some may not, but the condition still might be serious in either case). Then it becomes serious and meds might help. I believe that serious conditions can be triggered by trauma, especially if you have vulnerability. There is a theory out there that some emotional or mental conditions can arise if you have these two things: a trauma and if you are biologically predisposed for the condition.

 

So it might be more than "oh I'm sad. I need to be medicated." It could be that someone had this predisposition within them and a bad break up was the trauma that brought it out.

But remember, this is just a theory.

 

In either way, it's best to talk to a professional and get their opinion. Who knows, maybe talk therapy will be good enough. See what the professional says.

[moo]

oh, a few more things. Sometimes the bad side effects of meds is only short term.

 

Second, yes, strong drugs that calm you down are going to make you woozy. I guess that's why my therapist chose to concentrate on treating the depression with meds, rather than the anxiety, even though it helps with anxiety, but this drug is known as an anti-depressant.

 

I was against meds for years. but then my depression got so bad, I gave in. I still get depressed. It's not a magic pill. But the with Lexapro, I didn't go so far down that I felt like I was in a black hole.

 

If I had been on Lexapro when my ex left, I doubt it I would have felt so traumatized that I needed help walking down the street.

[wontgohomewou]

Thomas you NEED to go out and meet someone new. You're a model, it'll be a cinch for you! Go out next weekend and have a blast dude! Drive up to PSU and just go to a random party and meet someone. That's how you move on dude.

[moo]

I am learning how to be happy and have a fulfilled life on my own. I think if I can do that, the next time I end up in a bad relationship with a man who treats me like crap, I will be able to leave, instead of staying in it, being miserable and letting it drag me down.

 

I want to start dating, but I'm not going to. I want to have a clear mind and heart. I really don't want to bring a broken heart to the person I date. If I do that, I may look more into this new relationship than there really is and I may use this new relationship as a life line.

 

I know for myself, if get my feelings hurt by the next guy before I have experienced a great deal of healing, then it's just hurt piled ontop of hurt. So for me, waiting is a good idea. I want to date because I want to and not because I need to. I've done that in the past and I just don't want to do that again.

[lorilynne]

Oh, why so aggressive? All those vile words...are they helping anyone? Are they helping you?

 

I'm not aggressive...just responding to you. Don't be one of those people that dish it out but can't take it in. It doesn't match your username or avatar.

...and I'm aggressive, ha!