Thomas X Forever Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I couldn't take it anymore, as I was driving home from places we used to be together. Had we not broken up, I'd be with her right now, we'd be in each others arms... it was too much to handle, too much pain... and it still is. For the first time in over a year and a half, I broke down and cried for almost an hour straight... so much I was dehydrated... Then when I finally stopped, I thought I had crossed a mile point. Then I fall asleep, and I dreamt of her all night. Now I wake up in too much pain to cry. This is why people become atheists. Why wasn't I worth fighting for? I did everything for her. I loved her unconditionally, I put her first. I never cheated, I never lied. I would've taken an actual bullet to save that girls life if I ever had to. This is all so wrong.
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Sorry you're feeling so cruddy, TXF. I think we all can relate, at least to some degree.I did everything for her. I loved her unconditionally, I put her first.Which is probably why she left. I don't know the back-story here, but when you put someone - anyone - on a pedestal, they'll eventually begin to resent it.
georgia girl Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Thomas, it's time to really move on, now. She knows what you're offering and she declined. As bad as it hurts, it will only continue to hurt this badly if you refuse to move on. Start today. The only way you'll ever get better is to start shutting it out. She doesn't miss what you miss. She isn't willing to fight for you. That sucks and hurts more than anything. But, you only get one go-around in this world and it's time to get back to living. Don't let yourself miss out on too much. Good luck.
carhill Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 She died. In a way. The next time, express all those emotions contemporaneously and expect them to be validated, if that is your psychology. The right woman for you will embrace it, them, and you. The second the games end light shines upon you and you feel free. Try it.
moo Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 You can't give all of the time. Yes, we give because we love, but there HAS to be reciprocity. If there is no reciprocity you end up doing all the giving. It's like being in a relationship with yourself because the other takes and does not give back.
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Ah I take comfort in all your advice. Everyone here has mentioned some advice that I agree with. I wasn't perfect, though... I always made her go to the movies I wanted to see, I sometimes was too depressed to really give back... I didn't support her as much as I wish I did now. I wasn't perfect, I took a lot too. To be where we are now, though, is wrong to me. I wish I never had to come to this site, as much as the rest of you probably do too. Or I should say, I wish I never came to this site because of my own problems. I am glad for any person I have ever helped, though... How do you really let go? It's so easy for some people.. and sometimes I think I do let go... but then I have dreams of her, and it rips me back to square one or even before it. How do you fight through this? How do you seriously let go? I try, I don't know how. It's your subconscious that is doing the damage. So how do you win a fight against yourself?
moo Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 You know how to let go. You know you do. Look at all of the advice you have given in these forums. You know what to do...just take your own advice and you will be okay.
utterer of lies Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I couldn't take it anymore, as I was driving home from places we used to be together. Had we not broken up, I'd be with her right now, we'd be in each others arms... it was too much to handle, too much pain... and it still is. For the first time in over a year and a half, I broke down and cried for almost an hour straight... so much I was dehydrated... Then when I finally stopped, I thought I had crossed a mile point. Then I fall asleep, and I dreamt of her all night. Now I wake up in too much pain to cry. You poor thing. Best you keep wallowing in self-pity, lest you get better. This is why people become atheists. No, that would be related to intelligence, not to emotional weakness. Why wasn't I worth fighting for? I did everything for her. I loved her unconditionally, I put her first. I never cheated, I never lied. I would've taken an actual bullet to save that girls life if I ever had to. This is all so wrong. Unconditional love is an abomination. From what you write, it's probably best for both of you that you're no longer together.
georgia girl Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Thomas, I think letting go happens two ways. One is that we begin to heal regardless of our personal will. What I mean is that sometimes we don't want to heal, but it happens anyway. Our minds can only take so much hurt before they won't go back there anymore. It sounds like you haven't reached that point. But the other way is to simply let go. To not allow yourself to dwell on the past. To not go to where you used to go with her. To not look at pictures. To stop hanging out with the people you most associate with the other person. Then, you physically stop yourself from dwelling. My point is that you are so focused on remembering and wanting her back, that you have made a choice to not let go. Now, you have to do it. Your dreams are a byproduct of every thought you've had during the day or your final thoughts before you go to bed. Read a book and distract yourself. Also, seek counseling. It sounds like you need it. The best thing I've done for myself is go to a counselor. He has walked me through the grief process to last week where he told me very kindly that it was over and not to expect him back. Then, he said something that really offended me: I shouldn't want him back. I got mad, I got sad and I dwelled. I had a really rotten, rotten day (I posted about it here). But the next day, I had processed it and I have done better ever since. I'm not saying I won't backslide, but I am finally moving on, regardless if I slip up again. That's what you need to do. Take the harsh advice here about moving on and hate it, get angry and be sad. But let it fester inside of you so that you're emotional mind gets what your logical mind is telling you: it's over and there's nothing you can do about it. Once you accept that, the rest is so much easier. I feel for you, I truly do. But it's time to get back to the land of the living.
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Unconditional love is an abomination? No wonder your name is utterer of lies... Such lack of empathy, though. Such lack of sympathy, such lack of feeling. Tell me utterer, how were you abused? Physically, or just mentally? Or both? Are you so negative on here because people feel the pain you don't, and that's why you're so jaded? You need to wake up more so than I do. As for you georgia, that was truly good and in depth advice. Tell me, what is the grieving process you were told?
utterer of lies Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Unconditional love is an abomination? No wonder your name is utterer of lies... Such lack of empathy, though. Such lack of sympathy, such lack of feeling. Tell me utterer, how were you abused? Physically, or just mentally? Or both? Are you so negative on here because people feel the pain you don't, and that's why you're so jaded? You need to wake up more so than I do. Haha. Ad hominem attacks, because you don't agree? That's just weak. Unconditional love is nothing good, nor sane. Unconditional love implies obsession. Unconditional love means no self-respect. Unconditional love means the partner can do anything and it doesn't matter (cheating, physical abuse, ... ). Healthy love is conditional. Grow up.
georgia girl Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Thomas, Mostly, my counselor focused me on two things: 1) that my rational mind and my emotional mind were not in sync and 2) that what I thought I wanted so deperately wouldn't make me happy. It was easy to agree to the first - I knew in my rational mind that he had left and wasn't coming back but in my emotional mind, every time he texted me, etc., I thought that was a "sign." I finally came to understand that I had to listen to the rational mind and take the contact for what it was worth - he misses our friendship and me as a person, but he doesn't love me. Then, the hard part. What I want won't make me happy? It's true. What I wanted was him back, on any terms, so that I could just have my life back. But neither one of us is ready for that. I would still accept too much sh*t just to have him around and he would feel trapped and push me away. Finally, the counselor told me it was okay to grieve for a little while, but then I had to stop. That it was self-destructive. You know how people tell you that when you get angry, you should let it out? Actually, psychological studies show that people who get angry and let it out report more anger and unhappiness in their life then people who don't? Why, because anger triggers anger. The same thing with grief. He also told me that God or my ex wouldn't "see" how unhappy I was and give in to me. That these were the cards I was dealt and it was now time to play the hand. Good luck. It's hard, but you will make it. We all will... it's just that some of us will take longer because we refuse to accept our cards.
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Haha. Ad hominem attacks, because you don't agree? That's just weak. Unconditional love is nothing good, nor sane. Unconditional love implies obsession. Unconditional love means no self-respect. Unconditional love means the partner can do anything and it doesn't matter (cheating, physical abuse, ... ). Healthy love is conditional. Grow up. It would be an ad hominem argument if you YOURSELF didn't present evidence that you had lack of empathy, which in turn fuels the belief you were abused. Or you suffer from anger issues, or just have a chemical inbalance, it all depends on ones stance and how you view disorders. I tend to lean towards abuse. But you see, unconditional love is not meant to include extremes such as physical abuse. You're taking the words far too literally, and over analyzing. Unconditional love, in my definition, is putting someone above yourself. That in itself is the very definition of LOVE. I wouldn't stand for cheating or abuse. Unconditional love is just actually loving someone. As for you, Georgia, you have brought something very good and resourceful to this topic. Once again, it is appreciated. You have posted some good steps and I truly hope I can follow them. My rational and emotional minds aren't connected. Just like most of us here...
lorilynne Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Thomas I am so sorry this happened to you yesterday. I cried a bit last myself. I won't tell you that you will meet someone someday who will love you with the same devotion you offer. I won't tell you this not because I don't think it will happen. It's quite the opposite. It's because, of course, this will happen! But I know it's not consolation when dealing with the loss of your current love. There's nothing wrong with crying. Some people react with violence or anger, tears are definitely better. You got it out. I'm so sorry you dreamt of her last night. I read on someone's post previously that there some tactics that can be used to try to control what we dream. Have you heard of this? Maybe it could work. I've been taunted once with a dream & it sucked (for lack of a better word). It knocked me down quite a few notches. I can't imagine dreaming of him as often as you dream of her. Please keep posting though. Your insight has an equal play of humility mixed with strength and realism. It's refreshing and honest. You've helped me tremendously!
carhill Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 OP, next time try unconditional love with boundaries. Within those boundaries, love like you've never loved before
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Ah, lori, it's always nice to hear from you. It really helps.. I haven't seen that topic, but the ability to control ones dreams is known as lucid dreaming. Some think it's a myth. Most people in the field of psychology do. I, however, don't. I think it is possible, but I know it takes a very, very long time to be able to achieve. It's worth it though, you know? I'll google lucid dreaming here in a bit and see if I can't start it up. How are things with you? How is your day, and how do you feel
CaliGuy Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 This is why people become atheists. They become atheists because they fail to remember that God's Will > Your Will. That HIS plan for you is far better than the plans of men. God never promised a care free life. He said there would be trials and this is a trial for you. He also promised never to put you through more than you can handle. Hold your faith, for His plans are great for you. Why wasn't I worth fighting for? I did everything for her. I loved her unconditionally, I put her first. I never cheated, I never lied. I would've taken an actual bullet to save that girls life if I ever had to. This is all so wrong. We've all been there. I've said the same exact things as you at one time. One good piece of advice I will give you is that you should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). It's ok to do those things for someone you love if they feel the same way about you. If they aren't sure then the things you did for her can actually be a turn off. Who knows why she walk away, but the fact is she did. In many respects you should be glad. You are now free to find the one who will love you the way you want to be loved. There's nothing worse than sitting next to someone you'd die for and they don't feel the same way. It's better to break it off and move on than to cling to someone who doesn't want to be with you. Like I said, I've been in your shoes. I look at this as simply "One less woman out of the way before I find the right one!" It's not so much as a loss as it is a step in the right direction that brings you to Ms. Right.
utterer of lies Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 It would be an ad hominem argument if you YOURSELF didn't present evidence that you had lack of empathy, which in turn fuels the belief you were abused. Or you suffer from anger issues, or just have a chemical inbalance, it all depends on ones stance and how you view disorders. I tend to lean towards abuse. Of course, I simply must suffer from something horrible just because it don't join the sob-fest induced by your orgy of self-pity. You're not a pretty flower in the rain, writing all those bad things about me. But you see, unconditional love is not meant to include extremes such as physical abuse. You're taking the words far too literally, and over analyzing. Unconditional love, in my definition, is putting someone above yourself. That in itself is the very definition of LOVE. I wouldn't stand for cheating or abuse. Unconditional love is just actually loving someone. Ah, so with unconditional love, you actually mean conditional love? But again...why would you write unconditional love, unless you meant unconditional love? And no, putting someone above yourself is not the definition of love...except maybe if you are talking about 'your own definition' of the term, which of course might diverge from the common definition as much as 'your definition' of unconditional love does.
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Ah cali, I see why your friends all go to you for advice... It was some powerful advice.. and I will look up that book right now. You are so right though, that I can't hold it against God. I'm taking my anger out on the wrong aspect.... But cali, it's just so hard, because the girl she once was, would've died for me. So who really does know why she walked away. I was real with her... I loved her, but I was always real and honest...
Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 All though I accept some parts of your argument, utterer, as having weight and some degree of truth to it, you fail to see it's your manner that plagues you. Why don't you make a topic about what brought you to this board. Because it wasn't a legitimate desire to help anyone. Why don't you tell us about your break up, divorce, or what ever has fell on you. If I'm right about you, then I'm betting a 98% chance you will come up with a reason to not post about your own story. Ignore me for a moment, put aside me, and tell us about you.
CaliGuy Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Ah cali, I see why your friends all go to you for advice... It was some powerful advice.. and I will look up that book right now. You are so right though, that I can't hold it against God. I'm taking my anger out on the wrong aspect.... But cali, it's just so hard, because the girl she once was, would've died for me. So who really does know why she walked away. I was real with her... I loved her, but I was always real and honest... People grow up and sometimes, grow apart. She can no more control her feelings towards you anymore than you can control yours towards her. See what I mean? People fall in and out of love all the time. It may or may not be something about you, it may be someone else has caught their eye. Whatever the reason, look at it as a blessing because as the old saying goes "Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable!" And if you want to see people who really have it bad, go to the Divorce section. There are people who've been married for 10-20-30 years with kids who are being torn apart by their S/Os infidelity. Women who have been abused, men who've been taken to the cleaners (lost their wife, kids and most everything they own!). Their life, as they knew it for years, has been completely turns upside down. Guys like you and me? We have it EASY in comparison. We've lost a G/F (or two). But, compared to others, what we're going through is more like a minor cut or scrape. These other people, their going through major trauma surgery. They need all the love, support and help they can get. And still, if you think you have it bad, visit a Children's Hospital sometime. Kids dying of cancer or other diseases? Makes my heartbreak insignificant and me feel like a wussy crybaby.... It's all about perspective. Your life will get much better (especially after reading the book!). Trust me on that.
lorilynne Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I think when your username is "Utterer of Lies", we should not surprised by their posts. Unconditional love can be as simple as loving someone even though he always leaves the toilet seat up or her hair always clogs the tub. Don't be so dramatic Utterer!
CaliGuy Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 And no, putting someone above yourself is not the definition of love... This I agree with. At least not "unconditional" love. Many people think unconditional love is "Since I love you, you must love me back OR else...." That's not love at all. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 for the true definition of love/unconditional love. I love all of my exs, deeply, but that doesn't mean I want to be with them anymore. I'm happy they found someone they can love the same way I loved them. My love for them and my happiness in life isn't dependent upon their love for me. And to me, that is what defines unconditional love.
georgia girl Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 IMO, we should all have conditional love. It's about setting boundaries about what you will and will not accept in a relationship. Otherwise, you're a doormat. Someone who loves you will set boundaries on how they expect to be treated and, if you love them, you will respect that. You should ALWAYS have the same expectation back. That's what keeps couples together - they respect each other, put the needs of their relationship first in most instances and treat each other well. Regardless of the fact that my ex pulled away from me and we broke up, I can honestly say he was never cruel or mean to me. I wouldn't have accepted that and he knows it. He also knows I wouldn't do that to him. Boundaries are what keep us from being abusers and we all need conditions on love.
utterer of lies Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 All though I accept some parts of your argument, utterer, as having weight and some degree of truth to it, you fail to see it's your manner that plagues you. Why don't you make a topic about what brought you to this board. Because it wasn't a legitimate desire to help anyone. Why don't you tell us about your break up, divorce, or what ever has fell on you. If I'm right about you, then I'm betting a 98% chance you will come up with a reason to not post about your own story. Ignore me for a moment, put aside me, and tell us about you. My story is on this board already. And while I do like to provoke a bit sometimes, my answers do come out of a desire to help. It's just that I think that some people rather need some truth and tough love instead of wishy-washy and 'unconditional understanding.' And as a last point, I'm not plagued in the least by my manner
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