runnergirl Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 What does it mean if a spouse absolutely will not agree to MC? My husband and I are on the brink of a separation/divorce. I want to try MC, but he is very resistant and says there is no way he will do it. Has anyone else experienced this from a spouse or even yourself? My husband tends to be very closed (one of our issues- communication problems) and I'm not sure if it is just because he doesn't feel comfortable sharing his feelings with a stranger or if he just doesn't care enough about our marriage to even try. Any thoughts?
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I'm not sure what it means in your case. I tried MC with my wife but she told me IN THE SESSION that she was unwilling to go through with it and sat there silently. When I asked her why she did it, she said she didn't want anyone to change her mind about the divorce. Like she didn't want it, but felt it was necessary to push forward anyways. Talk about pain! Did he give any reasons why he wouldn't try? TOJAZ
wuggle Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 As a man I would guess that it is more to do with possible embarrassment about talking about personal stuff with a stranger, generally I think us guys are a bit rubbish with that sort of thing. Stick at it, maybe tell him you understand that he might be a bit embarrased, ask him to do just one session maybe, if he doesn't like the counsellor then he can choose a different one (to try to give him the feeling of some control).
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Is your current MC male or female? If the MC is female, your husband may feel out-of-place and guarding himself against an attack by what he perceives as two women against him. (I'm not suggesting that his perception is accurate, just that it might be what's going on in his head.) He may be more willing to open up to a male MC. Then again, maybe you wouldn't be comfortable with that. I dunno.
MrMayI Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 my wife wouldn't go MC when she was still living here, and now has stated she'll "consider it", but i know that was just said to appease me. she seems to have zero problem with any problems. i now know that a refusal for MC is really a fast track to divorce.
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 my wife wouldn't go MC when she was still living here, and now has stated she'll "consider it", but i know that was just said to appease me. she seems to have zero problem with any problems. i now know that a refusal for MC is really a fast track to divorce. This can be true for sure. I would remind them that what ever isn't resolved in this relationship will be carried to the next one, MC can help with that. MC is only as good as the relationship itself. If the relationship is dead, then MC cannot save it, but can uncover the causes leading to it's demise. Approaching it that way may allow your spouse to give it a try rather then seeing it as a tactic on your part, which is how my wife saw things i believe. TOJAZ
carhill Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 OP, my opinion is that you should separate from him and only consider reconciling if he meets with you in MC. If he can't (IMO this is a *won't*) share his perspective with you or with a counselor, it's not worth your trouble. Over and done. We had 14 months of MC and I paid for it all and consider it the best investment I ever made in *myself*. We're getting a divorce but I see the MC as a success. It's like prescribing the proper lens for myopic eyes. You can see once again, and clearly. It is possible that your H is playing the time honored game that some men play, having you chase his hidden emotions. It's a game which has worked for him in the past and he falls back on it; men like to repeat success. Move out (with proper legal advice if you have kids) and give his perspective an adjustment
Author runnergirl Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 We are not currently in MC, but I would definitely be willing to let him choose the counselor. He will not tell me why he won't do it, just that he absolutely will not, even when I tell him that I believe we need it in order to work on our marriage and we are never going to make it without MC. I also tried getting him to give just one session a chance, but again, total downright refusal. No compromise whatsoever, which is also part of the problem with our marriage
sb129 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I think it would be a dealbreaker for me at the stage you are at. It doesn't sound like he is prepared to do "anything" to save your marriage. Its either MC or divorce, and he is only leaving you with one option if he refuses MC.
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I think it would be a dealbreaker for me at the stage you are at. It doesn't sound like he is prepared to do "anything" to save your marriage. Its either MC or divorce, and he is only leaving you with one option if he refuses MC. Sorry to say it, but he may want the D but dosen't want to be the bad guy, so he's trying to force you to pull the trigger, just a thought. TOJAZ
wuggle Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 We are not currently in MC, but I would definitely be willing to let him choose the counselor. He will not tell me why he won't do it, just that he absolutely will not, even when I tell him that I believe we need it in order to work on our marriage and we are never going to make it without MC. I also tried getting him to give just one session a chance, but again, total downright refusal. No compromise whatsoever, which is also part of the problem with our marriage I was just about to have an argument (my first) with Carhill (who I have a lot of time for) for being too tough without knowing all the facts, then you posted this. Now I think I agree with him. If he won't even entertain the idea, after you have said these things, then maybe an 'attitude re-adjustment' is really what is needed. If he is being a bast*rd so you will split then fine, if he is just wanting it all his own way then no-way. Tell him to s*d off if he won't even discuss anything and it's not because he is scared. If he is just being an ars* then don't let him.
Poepad Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 We are not currently in MC, but I would definitely be willing to let him choose the counselor. He will not tell me why he won't do it, just that he absolutely will not, even when I tell him that I believe we need it in order to work on our marriage and we are never going to make it without MC. I also tried getting him to give just one session a chance, but again, total downright refusal. No compromise whatsoever, which is also part of the problem with our marriage Someone mentioned a very simple concept. Before you go to sleep. You ask each other what will make you feel more loved tommorrow. Keep it simple, ie.. take out the trash, mow the lawn,etc. When he does it, praise him perfusly. At first he will not ask you to anything, then after a few days he will. You will find each day getting better. Don't forget, a date week is manditory. Good luck.
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