5'4" male: To lie or not lie about height?

[Art_Critic]

OMG .. I can't believe this.. 'blatant lies'... WOW... he is adding ONE or TWO inches to his height.. and to answer your question.. YES I DO LIE... LIKE MOST PEOPLE ON ONLINE DATING SITES.. surprise!!!!!

 

I never once lied on any profile I had while online dating... and online dating was successful for me

 

About the only thing I had a tough time doing was putting my income on the profile.. I made tests of removing it and putting it back on and I can tell you that more women contacted me when it was on.

 

Back to the OP.. I wouldn't lie.. as soon as the person figures out that you lied about your height then the relationship is over at that point..

 

It's called shooting yourself in the foot...

[Confusedalways]

I see no problem with it ONE INCH. I am 5'4" and a half and sometimes I round up to 5'5" and sometimes I round down to 5'4" when people ask me in real life. I've never had someone say NO, YOU'RE DEFINITELY 5'5" or vice versa with 5'4". I mean, whatever. I can't imagine someone walking into a date knowing that you lied about one inch. Or maybe if you get questioned say you're between 5'4 and 5'5 and wanted to round up to get more hits on your profile - I personally see no problem with that but to each their own.

[BOLTON33]

Well OP , most people are right, increasing an inch in your profile won't make a difference. What you need to do to widen your dating pool from 2% of the female population open to dating you , to maybe 20-30%, is add 4 or 5 inches. I say get shoe lifts for 2 1/2 inches (they sell good ones online), wear boots all the time, and THEN say you are 5'9.

 

While people (especially women of all ironies) say here how oh it doesn't matter and OHhhh why would you want to date them ,etc, it still doesn't change the fact that atleast 90% of women (especially on the internet) won't go out on a date with a man who is 5'4.

 

Don't worry OP, you're not the only one struggling. From what I've read and heard, the majority of women filter out everything under 5'11/6'0. In my opinion most women go to online dating to increase their chance of finding a 6 feet tall guy to date.

 

Women ALWAYS lie to us, via make up, pushup bras, high heels, and a thousand other accessories, why can't we tell one lie if it increases the quality of our romantic lives by a HUGE, unmeasurable margin?? The reality is, women just don't want guys under 6 feet tall to reproduce, but we can show them and sneak in a few short sperm just to spite them

 

And for the women who say they would meet you, then somehow magically realize you are 1 inch shorter than you say, and leave. So what? Like others say it's a numbers game. And CONTRARY to what all these holier than thou women CLAIM, they would get up and leave not because you lied to them, but rather because you were never tall enough or good looking enough to go out with them. THIS is when you say "who would want to date them anyway".

 

It's like me going to a date with a chick who posts a picture of giselle bundchen as her picture and I meet her and she's Roseanne Barr, then coming here and claiming it was because she omg lied to me that it didnt go farther.

[bac]

Why would anyone reject another person, who has proved to be good in many ways, because of the small lies about age, height, weight, job or other?

People lie about these stuff just to get the first date and just to get a chance. For online dating, the probability, that the date turns into something serious, is negligible.

Perhaps, you get to know the person and like him/her in reality. Then, I do not see anything wrong with understanding and forgiving a small lie, related to insecurity.

 

I do not mean that it is OK to forgive any lie. For example some lies are very important like being married, cheating, HIV positive, having the cancer, having STDs, doing drugs or something else.

 

I do not understand why lying about personal insecurities such a big deal.

 

What is the rationale?

[Chicago_Guy]

Why would anyone reject another person, who has proved to be good in many ways, because of the small lies about age, height, weight, job or other?

People lie about these stuff just to get the first date and just to get a chance. For online dating, the probability, that the date turns into something serious, is negligible.

Perhaps, you get to know the person and like him/her in reality. Then, I do not see anything wrong with understanding and forgiving a small lie, related to insecurity.

 

I do not mean that it is OK to forgive any lie. For example some lies are very important like being married, cheating, HIV positive, having the cancer, having STDs, doing drugs or something else.

 

I do not understand why lying about personal insecurities such a big deal.

 

What is the rationale?

 

Maybe it's just me, but I think that lying about age, job status, weight, and height are a big deal. If someone lies about these things, what is the other party supposed to think when they discover the fabrication? Lies about age and job status are probably a bigger deal than lies about height and weight because someone's height and weight will be readily apparent upon meeting someone for a date. However, someone could potentially keep lying about age and job status for some time before the other party discovers the truth.

[redhighheels]

Another thing to consider is that a woman who would accept your "white lies" is a woman who is comfortable telling white lies herself. And one person's definition of "white lie" may be grossly out of proportion to another's.

 

I agree. He adds a few inches, she fails to mention 40 pounds or that she's 10 years older, it all evens out in the end.

 

An inch or two are indeed insignifiant and women are more likely not able to tell the difference, but it's a matter of principle. And by the way, men add at least 3 or 4 inches..hell, it's free so why not?

 

A man who lies about anything in his dating profile comes across as desperate, insecure or delusional or a combination of all - none of these are traits that I seek in a potential partner.

 

This may come as a shock for some, but I do not lie in my profile because there's no need to. This is who I am and it doesn't get any better..take it or leave it. I expect the same courtesy from other people, though it's quite rare. Ah well, different strokes for different folks.

[redhighheels]

Maybe it's just me, but I think that lying about age, job status, weight, and height are a big deal. If someone lies about these things, what is the other party supposed to think when they discover the fabrication? Lies about age and job status are probably a bigger deal than lies about height and weight because someone's height and weight will be readily apparent upon meeting someone for a date. However, someone could potentially keep lying about age and job status for some time before the other party discovers the truth.

 

You took the words out of my mouth

 

White lies are harmless little lies that people tell in order to make themselves look better, sometimes referred to as management impression. Saying you went to a party on a Saturday evening, when you actually stayed at home, or that you like jazz just because someone you're interested in likes it - these are white lies.

 

Lying about your job or age - now that's paramount! Are you standards really that low?

[Ruby Slippers]

Why would anyone reject another person, who has proved to be good in many ways, because of the small lies about age, height, weight, job or other?

Because I don't date liars or men who disrespect me.

 

If I have made the personal decision to rule out men under a certain height, and men under that height lie to get a date with me, they are not only being dishonest, but also showing a lack of respect for my decision. Similarly, if a man makes the personal decision to rule out women over a certain weight, and women lie to get the first date, those women are being dishonest and showing a lack of respect for his decision.

 

So, best case scenario, we've got dishonesty and lack of respect -- two qualities that automatically disqualify him. The only kind of person that lies on a dating profile are going to attract are people who are comfortable with lying and disrespecting. I am not interested in these people whatsoever.

[fabulous_chk]

I've tried online dating and yeah I've always rejected men under 5'10". Very shallow, I know. Why not try dating IRL there are too many gorgeous people out there in the world wide web, they'd make you feel the most unattractive person on earth, when you could just hang out at a local coffee shop, library, bar, etc, and get to meet women without having to compete with a million other users.

 

I stopped it, it was a silly thing and online dating was unnatural and forced. When I started hanging out with friends and had fun at local bars, that's when I met a lot of men without having to fill out forms and worry about height requirements. The getting to know each other part was fun, there was no pressure.

 

I ended up choosing a guy whose height is in total disparity to mine: he's 6'5" and I'm barely 5'3"....I realized worrying about height is silly. It's the attraction that counts.

[BOLTON33]

I ended up choosing a guy whose height is in total disparity to mine: he's 6'5" and I'm barely 5'3"....I realized worrying about height is silly. It's the attraction that counts. [/Quote]

 

It's easy to say that when your boyfriends are all over 6 feet tall, or in your case , 6'5 Never could understand why a woman who is 5'3 needs a guy over 6'0 (or in your case 6'5), do they somehow think that the taller a man is the more they can dominate them, because this isn't true.

 

 

 

Because I don't date liars or men who disrespect me.

 

If I have made the personal decision to rule out men under a certain height, and men under that height lie to get a date with me, they are not only being dishonest, but also showing a lack of respect for my decision. Similarly, if a man makes the personal decision to rule out women over a certain weight, and women lie to get the first date, those women are being dishonest and showing a lack of respect for his decision.

 

So, best case scenario, we've got dishonesty and lack of respect -- two qualities that automatically disqualify him. The only kind of person that lies on a dating profile are going to attract are people who are comfortable with lying and disrespecting. I am not interested in these people whatsoever.

 

LOL it's not that you don't date liars and men who disrespect you, it's that you don't date guys under a certain predetermined height. So in reality, you are admitting (with a lot of sugarcoat around it) that the OP has NOTHING to lose bumping up his height, and only something to gain. It allows people like you to look at his profile, go "wow this is the perfect man of my dreams", and not immediatly reject him when you see he is 5'4. So when you meet him in real life, there is a 50-50 chance (not for you, but maybe another woman who is more open -minded and willing to budge her fetish for really tall guys) you will stay.

 

Better to get an at bat than warm the bench in my opinion. Who gives a crap if he's disrespecting or lying to a woman who is so hung up about such superficial crap, I can bet lying and disrespect are not that foreign of behaviors to you.

[samspade]

I just talked to a dating adviser about my current situation re: on-line personals—she’s a bona fide pro and it was free. I'm on Match. In 6 weeks I’ve only had 2 women contact me and none of the women I’ve contacted have wanted to meet. In fact, only one replied at all to say she didn’t see us as a good fit for a dating relationship, but she said she loved my profile, was highly impressed by me, and that my message to her was, in her words, “the nicest, most thoughtful message she’d ever received on Match.”

 

The adviser strongly suggested that I lie about my height in the statistic check-box part of the prolife. I’m 5’4” (avg. weight) and we talked about how difficult it is for men that short to find success on-line and in real-life. Something I’ve experienced in my 45 years. We talked about surveys and studies she knows about regarding short men and women’s preferences. I’d done some reading and analysis of Match’s members in my area, both male and female in my area meeting the empirical criteria I use: a 15 year age range, bachelor’s degree or higher, and a match in political outlook.

 

That’s what I search on.

 

She suggested that I lie and say I’m 5’6”. Out of pride and integrity I’ve never considered it. But the more I learn from studies, surveys, polls, and her I’m strongly thinking about doing it. She said, as I’ve read in multiple places, that most personals users of both sexes lie, men about height women about weight. I’ve found that to be true of women in my past personals history use. Very common that women misrepresent themselves about their weight and build. Also, though, I’ve heard that men claim to be taller. Her logic is that since so many other men do it that I’m putting myself at a disadvantage because I seem shorter in relative terms to other men because so many claim to be taller than is true. Esp. fairly short guys.

 

Here’s what I’ve found on searching Match. Of guys in 150 miles, meeting the criteria that I use for women—criteria that describe me too, hence, men I consider completion or peers, I’m in the shortest 1% height-wise—31 out of 3700. In terms of women’s preferences, somewhere between 5-9% of women include me in their specified height range (different times have yielded different results). Probably 95% of women include 6’0” tall in their height range. If I claimed 5’5” there’s a great increase in the number of women who include me in their range—about 3x as many and I move from being of 31 men 5’4” and shorter up to one of 125 men 5’5” or shorter. I’ve read peer-reviewed studies that find roughly similar figures.

 

The reason I’d consider claiming to be 5’5” (I think 5’6” is too high and would be noticeable upon meeting) is that so many women do searches delimited by preferred height ranges that they won’t ever come across my profile. The second is that if they do come across my profile it will seem less off-putting at first glance (and 5’5” being just above the avg. height for women) and will get more women to read it rather than as quickly dismissing it. I don’t have much doubt about the quality of my profile based on my own opinion critiques by some female friends. I’ve run some of my emails—before sending-- by them to see what they think and they’ve been very complimentary

 

I’m less hung-up on losing my pride by lying now. If so many other guys are doing it, I buy into the relative disadvantage that that puts me at. The befits of expanding the circle of those who’ll see my profile and take it more serious, even with 1 more inches, seems worth it to me. It’s not a big lie, and it’s not so obvious of a distortion I think.

 

It seems I’m being overlooked and per the adviser and several others, largely due to my height.

 

What do people think about me boosting it to 5’5”? Thanks for any feedback.

 

1. Your game and your confidence are far bigger factors than your height or other physical traits. Lying about it just makes you look insecure.

 

2. If you're worried about being "overlooked" online, approach women in real life. Use your personality, charm, and wit, and I guarantee plenty of women who "don't normally date short guys" will be ready to ride you. If you're having difficulties, it means you need to sharpen your routine. Luckily, you can do this. You cannot, however, change your height.

 

This is why it's great to be a guy.

[fabulous_chk]

It's easy to say that when your boyfriends are all over 6 feet tall, or in your case , 6'5 Never could understand why a woman who is 5'3 needs a guy over 6'0 (or in your case 6'5), do they somehow think that the taller a man is the more they can dominate them, because this isn't true.

 

To be honest I wish he was a few inches shorter. I didn't even consider him when I first saw him but the attraction was explosive when he introduced himself to me.

 

I do not advocate online dating for short guys, you will be instantly rejected. Meet women up in real life situations. I have plenty of guy friends who gets a lot of girls and they are my height. Personality counts a lot, not online profile.

[whimsical_memory]

I (speaking for ME only) cannot date someone that lies to me. Period. I giveafig if the lie is over something innocent ("No honey, that color looks GREAT on you", "I'm 6'0 (but really only 5'10)"). If you lie to me, why should I trust you? How can I trust someone that lies to me about small stuff? As a short woman, I don't care how tall someone is (or isn't) because I'm not dating their height. I'm dating who they are (if that makes sense?). I don't think that people should package themselves as being "short" or "fat" or "tall". Try "funny","honest", "loyal"....

[Peanut9330]

No point in lying cuz their gonna find out the truth anyways. Its better to be honest with people and plus dont you want to find someone who will love you for you,!!! cuz if someone is shallow enough to not accept you for your height then you dont need them in your life.

[Ruby Slippers]

It allows people like you to look at his profile, go "wow this is the perfect man of my dreams", and not immediatly reject him when you see he is 5'4. So when you meet him in real life, there is a 50-50 chance (not for you, but maybe another woman who is more open -minded and willing to budge her fetish for really tall guys) you will stay.

I don't do online dating, so it doesn't apply to me. I have no height restriction, but probably because I am tall, men under a certain height very rarely approach me. A guy 5 inches shorter than I was after me a while back, but I ruled him out for his substance abuse issues, not his height. He seemed to have no problem with our height difference, and I probably wouldn't have, either. Other than the addictions, I think he's a great guy.

[Phateless]

Put 5'6" in your profile and wear nice boots with a height boost when you meet them at first.

 

What about running searches based on women who don't mind shorter guys and then further qualifying those women based on your criteria?

 

I feel for you bro, one of my best friends is short (5'5" maybe?) and I know that girls frequently overlook him because of his height and it sucks. HE'S A GREAT GUY!

 

I would let him date my little sister.

 

He's good looking, smart, funny, educated, good job, good family, in great shape, basically has it all except the height.

 

I wish there was more I could do to help him with this. I introduce him to lots of girls and he does pretty well, but it just sucks when people write him off over something he has no power to change.

[theumlaut]

Thanks very much for the interesting feedback. Been sick for a few days, hence the delay. Many issues going on here.

 

I’ll comment on some of them that are more dating in general issues further down, but cut to the chase with where I’m at. (I should publish a version of these two essays).

 

It’s almost certain that I won’t lie—were I too, it would only be by 1 inch to 5’5”—1.5%.

 

It’s not like it hasn’t been something I’ve had in mind for years. It’s popped up in my mind recently on my own but particularly so due to the strong recommendation from the dating “adviser."

 

Note for ethics commentators on the dating adviser. Look at her job: She makes money by helping people get dates and relationships. Ethics isn’t a strong suit in that profession I imagine, as it isn’t for some other ones. Strangely enough her words were “I don’t advocate lying, but I think you should boost your height up to 5’6” from 5’4”. She doesn’t work for Match or any personals company.

 

All of that lead to me doing some reading and analysis of my own of Match’s statistics for my area—2800 men in age range and basic other criteria (education), similar # of women.

 

The 1” difference is virtually indistinguishable physically, a reason both to and not to lie. Lying brings with it sacrifice of some personal dignity, integrity, and self-respect, but also some increase in attention and likelihood of getting dates, hence chances for finding a soul-mate. But not much. I expect that I’d have some feelings of guilt about it and dread of the truth coming out would wear on me somewhat for any relationship that could develop. Why have the negative of that self-consciousness at play in the scenario?

 

Given that the 1” is likely imperceptible in a first meeting—type of shoes can have an effect—I don’t see that lie as a practical problem at first. If a relationship develops, any woman who’d make a big deal over the 1” after a solid connection of 4 months to the point of breaking it off isn’t someone I’d want to be with anyway. I’m not an absolutist on the lying in personals issue—proportionality (no pun intended) is an important factor for me. I talk about the ethics issue further down.

 

The main reason why I’m almost certain not to lie was identified by someone here—can’t recall the name—and is also the philosophy that has driven my use of personals anyway (something that had slipped my mind a few days ago). The person here noted that most contact isn’t initiated by women; ergo taking the assertive role is the norm for men anyways. Not so sure how true that is, but I’d guess that in general it’s men who do more initiating. How prevalent? Who knows?

 

My version is that I use personals sites to find women and I don’t (intend to) sit back and wait for women to come to me. Rather, my usage is built around contacting women myself and resting my “attractiveness” on what I write in my profile, not objective variables like height, build, etc. By writing, I ensure that a woman will read my profile and be able to evaluate me on a much broader, deeper, and holistic sense than screening me out based on height. The way it should be for all of us. That’s driven my use forever.

 

So given that I’ll lure women to my profile where they can see more of the “real me” than by searching on height and missing me, I think that the difference between being 5’5” vs. 5’4” in that scenario is very, very minimal.

 

Thinking of height as part of the physical attractiveness equation, I’m close to bottom either way. With 90% of women excluding me based on height preferences expressed in ranges, you could say that makes me a “1.” Maybe add a .5 for an advantage over some guys who are taller but severely obese to a point not captured in the categories used for build. Taking into account facial attractiveness helps me—per everyone—but I’m maybe “high average” of 6.5 in that respect and nothing really special. However, it can only do so much given that the height cut-off renders me invisible to so many women. Given the latter and the major importance of height for women, I’m a 2-2.5 (?) physically. 1 more inch is meaningless.

 

It’s tough living with that understanding.

 

What is really difficult is thinking about all the bad guys (drug addicts, pedophiles, domestic abusers, on probation for a felony, thieves, homophobes, sexists, racists, misogynists, low intelligence, all-purpose dirtbags, [micro-penis, lol]…) who do get through a woman’s screening process based on an arbitrary, say, 5’9”, cut-off while I don’t. Esp. if I otherwise would would meet her more substantive traits sought. But we all face screening criteria we don’t pass through, thoughto different degrees.

 

I have some very significant strengths and accomplishments (e.g. an immodest 10 intelligence –based on statistics and accomplishments--and 9 to 9.5 education to cite 2), and I think I’m a great guy in numerous ways. But not for everyone. Aside from having my personal weaknesses, I’m unconventional (way intellectual and analytical and a very absurdist sense of humor) and off-beat in particular ways, among other things. The combination of those factors makes for a smaller pool of women who’d be interested anyway than in someone more “mainstream” and that I in turn would be interested in. I imagine that my type is less common enough that for those attracted to my type a 1” difference in height is likely overwhelmed by the other factors.

 

Lie? Can’t see doing it, but 1% maybe yes.

 

FOR OTHER ISSUES GOING ON IN THIS THREAD, MY TAKE:

 

Wearing elevator shoes? No way.

 

The lie I’ve considered reflecting insecurity? No, there’s nothing wrong with me; it’s a practical matter. it’s about expanding the pool of potentially interested parties by a small amount based on what I consider to be a totally superficial factor that shouldn’t play any role whatsoever in the situation to begin with. How many of the women who list a specific height range did so out of their own insecurity? Many, studies show. I address the insecurity issue further below more fully. What’s the greater wrong—a woman who dismisses men based on an arbitrary cutoff for a factor that has nothing to do with the functioning of the partner in a relationship should it result--likeability, ability to love, niceness, considerateness, forgiving, respectful, open-minded and hearted, giving, non-aggressiveness, emotionally stable, financially stable, and ability to be supportive, merits as a lover vs. a 1.5% lie?…..Correlates exist for men regarding women and various other criterion.

 

There is a general ethics debate engaged in by some; anti-lying absolutists. That’s its own thread. I happen to see shades of gray—as seemingly most people do, while you don’t. So be it, but I see a difference between lying about one’s height in a personals ad by 1 inch and swindling people out of $50 billion, being married or not, having 3 kids vs. none, being a high school drop-out vs. a doctor, being a convicted rapist vs. no criminal record, having been a member of the SS vs. not…

 

For those who say “any woman who wouldn’t accept as you are no matter what height isn’t worth getting to know.” I say amen. The problem is that 95+% of women on Match and elsewhere give a specific height range sought. Under your logic, which I hold in my heart, that’s 95% of women I shouldn’t even consider. That includes those who do include me in their height range because they are just as guilty of superficiality and disrespecting people merely based on their height as the other women who specific ranges that exclude me. The results being that only approx. 5% of women remain as potential dates/mates. But if the 95% are so spoiled as to be unworthy based on a superficial height preference for me, then it should be that way for every man, including you. So will you agree to reject any women who list a specific height range even if it happens to include you? Join me in my suffering? Ditto for any women regarding any height, weight criteria used by men? Doubt it.

 

The “just because others do it doesn’t make it right for you to do” are a variation on the absolutist ethics proponent. It accepts as a standard to judge by based on an ideal rather than adjusting for the given—beyond my control—real world in question, i.e. personals. It ignores that ethics are socially constructed.

 

Here’s an analogy:

 

You’re an applicant for a job. There are many, many other applicants and several employers involved. For some reason, employers take height into consideration in deciding whom to interview and hire even though height has nothing whatsoever to do with performing the job in all potential respects. You learn that about half of the other applicants lie about their height, weight, or age (other variables considered having no relation to job performance). The result is that in being honest you’re less likely to get job interviews hence lower odds of getting a job. You strongly want/need the money, etc. So do you decide to be completely honest even though it disadvantages you in getting what you’re as deserving as anyone else, or not to let yourself be a victim of the lies of others?

 

Many of those claiming to be 5’5” are shorter anyway, so the pool of people in that range includes many my height or shorter. So many men lie claiming to be taller than they are—esp. short men, lying would put me in a truer comparative height light. Should I suffer in comparative terms about something so significant to women—and specified in exact quantitative terms—due to the lying of other men?

 

The case for lying to say 5’5”: I’d be included in 3x as many women’s specified height ranges (the raw number for me is extraordinarily low), and in a pool of men at the given height (5’5” vs. 5’4” or shorter) about 4x as big. But the absolute numbers are small. That’s a 1.5% increase. I’d still be in the “very short” range, not a category changer.

 

I appreciate the supportive comments of women along the lines of, “I’m 5’9” but would be willing to date someone 1 inch shorter than me, so (see) height isn’t an issue with me.” Would you date someone who’s 5 inches shorter than you? If yes, great, but if no, then height is an issue with you. And I’m not talking about a given man or woman’s relative heights, or anecdotal reports; I’m talking about absolute heights like 5’3”, 5’4”… At 5’4” I would kill to be 5’8” in terms of marketability using personals ads; the difference would be enormous (no pun intended).

 

Studies show that more than half of male and female users of personals sites lie about either age, height, or weight. Also consider recentness of photos as another major issue. How much relative guilt would I feel? None.

 

A topic for discussion in its own thread is the requirement to provide height in exact dimensions but providing weight indirectly by claiming to be a given body type. Taking height as being a significant factor in which women judge men for dating/romance/relationships potential (it is; numerous studies unanimously show this and have forever), men are required to open themselves up to exact (to 1”) scrutiny. Whereas women, who are evaluated to a major degree by men based on weight, don’t have to open themselves to exact scrutiny. They can be vague given the vagueness of the body type categories (as can men but for it isn't a significant factor for men's success). How can you lie about an undefined, subjective category? You can, but how are you “caught?” My search of Match in my area—F, 16 year age-range, college degree or higher, (categories I use) yielded approx. 2000 women. 40% claimed to be “thin” (slender+athletic/toned), 45% “about average,” 10% “curvy+a few pounds extra,” and 5% BBW+Stocky+whatever else. 40% thin and only 15% overweight?

 

Is this a double-standard? Part of the reason services use body type rather than pounds is due to heavy criticism from women, something that goes way back to the days of printed personals services. This is a discussion to be continued elsewhere.

 

Who I search for was asked—age, height ranges, etc? Here: F, 34-50, bachelors degree or higher (I do one search based on BA and another based on Grad/PhD), politically very liberal, liberal, some other viewpoint, non-conformist; non-smoker. The age issue--I turned 45 4 days ago): I’m flexible on it and sometimes see older than 50. I’ve had 3 major life-changing situations in my life that have shaped things for a number of years of transition at a time ( my degrees and serious, long-term illness) that I don’t seem to be quite at the life stage of many others my age. Mid-30s is old enough for some people to be very mature and settled. Given the importance of intellect and education to me, I’m not averse to meeting a mature 35 year-old doctor or college professor. That takes major brains and having your act together in serious ways. I’m not cruising for random, hot 35 year olds to nail or generally seeking women based on physical appearance. I actually use “34” because I went visible on Match (from being hidden) to contact one and only one specific women because of extraordinary factors about her in her profile for crucial issues for me and she’s 34. It’s flexible.

 

Politics is very much at the center of my life and mind—education, work, volunteering, and I see it as reflecting basic values. I could never be happy with a conservative and believe none could be happy with me, and even middle-of-the-road is generally too far from my heavy-left inclination.

 

I feel guilty about not searching on education levels below a BA. Obviously a high school grad can be as smart as a Harvard PhD, but it’s much less likely. Intelligence is a primary issue with me as a matter of compatibility, non-negotiable (as I think is the case for everyone), but the level I seek is rare so I use degrees as a proxy for it. Degrees demonstrate having one’s act together and a kind of competence as well. Exceptions exist. For the few things I screen on, leaving those wholly open increases the number of results by more than 2-3x. At that point it becomes overwhelming and counter-productive to wade through so many.

 

My take on height relations. I don’t care what height a woman is at all. I had a girlfriend (7 years older, BTW) who was 5’10” (she responded to a personals ad of mine several years ago) and another who was 5’9”. The difference doesn’t bother me. I don’t notice it, don’t care, and am not self-conscious about it. I’ve told all the women I’ve gone out with—most are close to dead-on my height or slightly below—and particularly the tall ones, to wear whatever kind of shoes they’d wear with any given outfit without considering me. Sometimes women like wearing heels; go for it. It’s not like I don’t already know how short I am. With a woman who’s 6” taller, what difference is made with another 2”?

 

My masculinity isn’t in question. It doesn’t vary based on the relative heights of myself and a woman. I pity the short men who avoid taller women because of self-consciousness or being bothered and for women who, for the same reasons, won’t date men who are short (er) by some given amount they specify. Both have major self-image and self-esteem issues. For the “people will think/look/see” perspective: To let what others think shape your behavior like that regarding something so important as love or affection or friendship is a maturity issue.

[stepka]

I read somewhere that most women would choose a tall drug addict over a short doctor. That's good news for me b/c it leaves the pool of short guys wide open for me and I really do prefer intelligent short men to tall dumb guys. I have a date in a couple of weeks with a man who is 5'2" so I do put my money where my mouth is. Besides, my dad and grandfather were both 5'2", and both were highly intelligent and fun to talk to.

 

A related item: This wasn't very funny the other day, but hopefully I'll be laughing about it later. I got rejected on a date the other night b/c I have the wrong hair. Trouble is, the guy was bald. And my pic was very up to date in my profile. Also, he's looking for someone with more advanced degrees. I have my bachelor's and he's a college drop-out. Hmm, what's wrong with that picture?

[Phateless]

This is kind of out there but there is a fetish in existence about tall women/short men. You could look into a couple of those websites? Have you considered that angle?

 

Btw, you are very intelligent and analytical and I can see you've given this a lot of thought.

 

There is a difference between misrepresenting yourself and just playing the game. School is a good analogy for me. At many of my past jobs I was one of few people without a college degree, yet I was always correcting the grammar and spelling of just about everyone there with more education than myself. Quite frustrating.

 

I'm going back to school to get my piece of paper because it's time to play the game. Dating is the same way.

 

Play the game, exaggerate your height a shade, wear slightly taller shoes at first, and just meet them in person and win them over. You being 5'6" instead of 5'4" solely for the purpose of them agreeing to meet you in person is not a huge deal, in my opinion.

[Thaddeus]

I've seen this thread get bumped on occasion, and I think I've changed my mind.

 

I originally wrote:

D-Lish had it right on. Just because plenty of women lie about their age and weight doesn't give you license to lie about your height. It's bad form and will catch up with you.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that the height filters on these dating websites are excluding you for a shallow reason.

 

Now, I wouldn't suggest that you put down that you're 6'3", but if you can safely add an extra inch or so (not much more than that, it'll be too obvious) you may bypass some of those filters and get to meet some more women. If they're that shallow that an extra inch or so is a deal-breaker for them, their loss.

 

Good luck. I'm curious to see how this plays out.

[BOLTON33]

Hmmm for all the women who claim they would be furious at a man for lying slightly about his height, I wonder if they and their amazing high-morality would be so quick to get up and leave if a man they wanted to meet who said he was a janitor (to stave off gold diggers) lied and actually was a movie star?

 

I don't know how a woman can possibly reject a guy over 1 or 2 inches, but it happens ALL the time. Imagine if men rejected women for being 5 pounds above or underneath their ideal weight. They must think masculinity can be measured by numbers that say how long your legs are.

 

When people say "the women who would reject you for your height are not worth getting to know", are they saying 90% of women are not worth getting to know?

[New Again]

Height can be important, just like weight can be.

 

Generally, I like my guys to be bigger than me - in both height and build. The reason for this is that I like to feel small and delicate, I like to feel like a guy can take care of me physically (sorry, but that's an association that many people make), I want my guy to be able to pick me up, and I want him to be able throw me around a little in bed. I DON'T want to feel like I'm crushing him when we're in bed, etc. That's the opposite of making me feel sexy.

 

Before I get attacked for this, I would like to reiterate that my current guy is VERY slightly taller than me (I'm not quite 5'5"), and his hips are about as wide as mine (I'm a slender girl). Physically, he is not my "type" at all.

 

And again, just about every guy I know lies about his height, adding inches.

 

So whatever.

 

I see the grey, and I very much doubt that most women would notice.

[BOLTON33]

Height can be important, just like weight can be.

 

Generally, I like my guys to be bigger than me - in both height and build. The reason for this is that I like to feel small and delicate, I like to feel like a guy can take care of me physically (sorry, but that's an association that many people make), I want my guy to be able to pick me up, and I want him to be able throw me around a little in bed. I DON'T want to feel like I'm crushing him when we're in bed, etc. That's the opposite of making me feel sexy.

 

Before I get attacked for this, I would like to reiterate that my current guy is VERY slightly taller than me (I'm not quite 5'5"), and his hips are about as wide as mine (I'm a slender girl). Physically, he is not my "type" at all.

 

And again, just about every guy I know lies about his height, adding inches.

 

So whatever.

 

I see the grey, and I very much doubt that most women would notice.

 

I don't get it though, would you rather go for a guy who is 5'6 but works out and is masculine (and hence can completely dominate you like you want) or a 6'2 beanpole with a slackjaw and effeminate gestures?? Most women I know would go with the 6'2 guy, simply because he is tall.

[New Again]

I don't get it though, would you rather go for a guy who is 5'6 but works out and is masculine (and hence can completely dominate you like you want) or a 6'2 beanpole with a slackjaw and effeminate gestures?? Most women I know would go with the 6'2 guy, simply because he is tall.

 

You think so?

 

I would go for the 5'6" guy, for sure.

 

But I guess I'm also not *too* into height. I've never dated anyone taller than 5'10"

 

The issue is more if he's taller than me. Even just a little.

 

But, in your scenario, even if I was taller than 5'6", in that case I'd still go for the 5'6" guy.

[redhighheels]

Women are far more likely to look at the whole package rather than focus on one dimension and rarely get to choose between the "perfect" guy who just happens to be 5'5" and the "loser" guy who's 6'2". The short guys that get rejected don't get rejected on height alone, but it's easier to place the blame on that and completely ignore other issues they might have.