theumlaut Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I just talked to a dating adviser about my current situation re: on-line personals—she’s a bona fide pro and it was free. I'm on Match. In 6 weeks I’ve only had 2 women contact me and none of the women I’ve contacted have wanted to meet. In fact, only one replied at all to say she didn’t see us as a good fit for a dating relationship, but she said she loved my profile, was highly impressed by me, and that my message to her was, in her words, “the nicest, most thoughtful message she’d ever received on Match.” The adviser strongly suggested that I lie about my height in the statistic check-box part of the prolife. I’m 5’4” (avg. weight) and we talked about how difficult it is for men that short to find success on-line and in real-life. Something I’ve experienced in my 45 years. We talked about surveys and studies she knows about regarding short men and women’s preferences. I’d done some reading and analysis of Match’s members in my area, both male and female in my area meeting the empirical criteria I use: a 15 year age range, bachelor’s degree or higher, and a match in political outlook. That’s what I search on. She suggested that I lie and say I’m 5’6”. Out of pride and integrity I’ve never considered it. But the more I learn from studies, surveys, polls, and her I’m strongly thinking about doing it. She said, as I’ve read in multiple places, that most personals users of both sexes lie, men about height women about weight. I’ve found that to be true of women in my past personals history use. Very common that women misrepresent themselves about their weight and build. Also, though, I’ve heard that men claim to be taller. Her logic is that since so many other men do it that I’m putting myself at a disadvantage because I seem shorter in relative terms to other men because so many claim to be taller than is true. Esp. fairly short guys. Here’s what I’ve found on searching Match. Of guys in 150 miles, meeting the criteria that I use for women—criteria that describe me too, hence, men I consider completion or peers, I’m in the shortest 1% height-wise—31 out of 3700. In terms of women’s preferences, somewhere between 5-9% of women include me in their specified height range (different times have yielded different results). Probably 95% of women include 6’0” tall in their height range. If I claimed 5’5” there’s a great increase in the number of women who include me in their range—about 3x as many and I move from being of 31 men 5’4” and shorter up to one of 125 men 5’5” or shorter. I’ve read peer-reviewed studies that find roughly similar figures. The reason I’d consider claiming to be 5’5” (I think 5’6” is too high and would be noticeable upon meeting) is that so many women do searches delimited by preferred height ranges that they won’t ever come across my profile. The second is that if they do come across my profile it will seem less off-putting at first glance (and 5’5” being just above the avg. height for women) and will get more women to read it rather than as quickly dismissing it. I don’t have much doubt about the quality of my profile based on my own opinion critiques by some female friends. I’ve run some of my emails—before sending-- by them to see what they think and they’ve been very complimentary I’m less hung-up on losing my pride by lying now. If so many other guys are doing it, I buy into the relative disadvantage that that puts me at. The befits of expanding the circle of those who’ll see my profile and take it more serious, even with 1 more inches, seems worth it to me. It’s not a big lie, and it’s not so obvious of a distortion I think. It seems I’m being overlooked and per the adviser and several others, largely due to my height. What do people think about me boosting it to 5’5”? Thanks for any feedback.
D-Lish Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I think most women will be pissed off if they find out you are lying. Just because some women lie about their weight (and age by the way) doesn't mean you should jump on the band wagon. What sort of dating coach advocates that you lie about your appearance...?
Talby Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 If you feel guilty about doing something, you probably shouldn't do it.
westrock Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 What are you going to say when the other person finds out you are lying about your height?
White Flower Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 What are you going to say when the other person finds out you are lying about your height? My friend is 5'9" and every guy who claimed he was the same height turned out to be a liar. We had running bets in the office on which guy would turn out to be actually telling the truth. After dating a lot of guys, she is now with an honest one. And he is taller than her.
love_darlings Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Don't lie. You'll never be happy if you lie. So be yourself.
stepka Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I don't know about other women, but height is a non issue with me. I'm 5'3" and will date someone shorter than me if everything else is good. My friend John is 5'4" and enjoys tremendous success with women. What I do find to be a turn off though is a man who says, "Well I'm only 5'4"," or "I'm a small package, but I have a big heart," or some crud like that. It doesn't sound confident at all and confidence is a lot more important than height. Anyway, I refuse to lie about anything, esp something so easily discernible at first meeting, but it drives me crazy that men are probably all assuming that i'm lying about my age when I'm not. I had a man ask me quickly what year did I graduate as if he was trying to catch me in a lie, even though I've been told I look a lot younger than my age. Hmmf.
JustLooking123 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Don't lie. The women will notice when they meet you in person, and it will be a turn-off. Do you really want to date women who would have "dismissed" you due to your actual height anyway? It's better to just be up-front, even if it means a smaller pool of women willing to go out with you. Dating, online or in real life, is a numbers game. Just keep contacting women, and eventually some will be interested in you. There are plenty of petite women whom you're taller than, and plenty of women who don't care about height. You just have to find them.
HsMomma Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 OP - let me ask you a question. In the remainder of your profile, are you lying about anything else? I know that there is a LOT of gray area in the world, but my first thought was, well, if he's willing to lie about this, what other types of uncomfortable situations might he be willing to lie about? Honesty is always the best route (and for me, the only one, 'cause I have lousy short-term memory & can't remember a lie to save my soul!). Just as an FYI, I am 5'3" & my exH is exactly the same height, so when I'd wear heels when we'd go out, I was taller than he. However, he is a VERY confident man in who he is so it didn't faze him at all. I think a lot of this has to do with how you see yourself. Is putting height in a profile mandatory? I've never been on an online dating site, so I don't know the answer, but if it isn't, & it's an issue to you, why put it?
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 D-Lish had it right on. Just because plenty of women lie about their age and weight doesn't give you license to lie about your height. It's bad form and will catch up with you. As for this:I don’t have much doubt about the quality of my profile based on my own opinion critiques by some female friends. I’ve run some of my emails—before sending-- by them to see what they think and they’ve been very complimentaryOK, here's a danger sign. I fell into this trap too the first time I tried online dating, and it goes to the function of the difference between what women say they want and what they actually respond to. So don't ask your female friends for input on your profile. Instead, ask them for copies of the profiles that they actually responded to.
Citizen Erased Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Honestly, I wouldn't even notice the difference. Find a shorty like myself and you're set.
New Again Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I generally disagree with people on here. Ideally you wouldn't lie about your height. True. Just because other people lie doesn't mean you should. True. A lot of women don't care about height if you're confident. True. I do think that maybe it's a bad idea to lie about your height because then you might run the risk of meeting women who honestly do care about height, in which case you're wasting your time and theirs. Overall, I don't see the harm in adding an inch to your height. Most likely she wouldn't even notice...especially if you wear dress shoes, which will add to your height anyways. I will admit that I probably feel this way because literally every guy I know who is under 6'0" lies about his height - most add 2 inches, but some add 3. The guy I'm currently dating I met IRL, but his Myspace profile says he's 5'9". I'm not quite 5'5" and when we're both standing barefoot or in flops we're eye to eye.
Jilly Bean Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Here's the risk you run: You meet a woman, who genuinely liked YOU, and couldn't care less if you were 5', then you meet, she realizes you lied, so she dumps you for the untruth. I once met a guy online, and when we met in person, he was NOT the guy in the photo. Close, but wasn't him. I called him out on it, and after lying again about it, he finally admitted it was a friend of his, who was better looking. True, his buddy was hot, but I had liked this guys personality, and if he had posted a pic of his real self, I would not have been disappointed. Still, I walked out on him, ONLY because he lied. And, like D said - ANY woman who claims to be an accomplished dating coach, then tells you to lie, is crap. Free? You got what you paid for.
Thaddeus Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I generally agree with my friend New Again, but I take issue with this:A lot of women don't care about height if you're confident. True.Sadly, there tend to be a few things that some - not all - women will use to immediately discount a potential partner, regardless of the level of confidence that the potential partner has. Height is one of them. Absence of hair is another. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of women I know, both personally and professionally, that will, without hesitation, refuse to date any man that they consider short. Confidence, overall grooming, energy, humor and all the rest don't seem to make any difference. Now, if the short guy is massively rich then they may consider him, but other than that, height is a major factor. Some may think that's shallow. Others might think it's about 'standards.' But that's a judgement call. That's not to suggest that the OP should lie about his height - I still think he should be truthful.
New Again Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Sadly, there tend to be a few things that some - not all - women will use to immediately discount a potential partner, regardless of the level of confidence that the potential partner has. Height is one of them. Absence of hair is another. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of women I know, both personally and professionally, that will, without hesitation, refuse to date any man that they consider short. Confidence, overall grooming, energy, humor and all the rest don't seem to make any difference. Now, if the short guy is massively rich then they may consider him, but other than that, height is a major factor. Some may think that's shallow. Others might think it's about 'standards.' But that's a judgement call. That's not to suggest that the OP should lie about his height - I still think he should be truthful. Agreed. I personally don't think height is a huge deal (some girls do, some don't), especially IRL, but the more I think about it, the more I think that since he's specifically dating online, it's probably not a good idea.
boogieboy Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Im 5'6" and online dating is useless to me because of my height. Womens preferences are generally 5'10 and up, (even when they are 4'11"!) thats just what they go for online because they can use those filters. I set up a dummy profile with a guy who was 6"0" with barely any profile description, and without sending messages, there were quite a few women that hit me up. If youre 5"4", start wearing boots with 2 inch heels, and do your meeting in person. Its so much easier to deal with women in person than online because most of the uncertainty is cut out from the get go. All you have to do is go to meetups and start talking to the ladies. If you cant wow them with your personality so they look past your hieght in person, just check out "double your dating" or something like that to better your people skills. Its all about being interesting. Trust a fellow short guy.
whimsical_memory Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Personally, the main thing that attracts me to a man is his personality. Period. I am not just saying that to seem like I am something I'm not. I have dated the range of men from one that was 7'2 to one that was 5'0 (I am 5'2). I have dated stick-thin men (130 lbs) to extremely obese (500 lbs). I love a great personality. For me, personality is more important than anything because that is where my attraction comes from, if that makes sense? Don't lie about yourself because that makes it seem as though you're ashamed of yourself. If someone is going to like (or not like) you simply because you don't meet their "standards" (whether that be weight, height, eye color, hair color..you get the point), consider yourself to be better off!! There will be someone that will think you are perfect just the way you are!!
Jaytb Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Personally, the main thing that attracts me to a man is his personality. Period. I am not just saying that to seem like I am something I'm not. I have dated the range of men from one that was 7'2 to one that was 5'0 (I am 5'2). I have dated stick-thin men (130 lbs) to extremely obese (500 lbs). I love a great personality. For me, personality is more important than anything because that is where my attraction comes from, if that makes sense? Don't lie about yourself because that makes it seem as though you're ashamed of yourself. If someone is going to like (or not like) you simply because you don't meet their "standards" (whether that be weight, height, eye color, hair color..you get the point), consider yourself to be better off!! There will be someone that will think you are perfect just the way you are!! 7'2!? DAANG! That must have made for interesting kissing techniques haha. As for OP, if you get caught in a lie, you're gone! So don't do it. It's a sad thing that so many women will reject a short man for being short, but what can you do? I would personally make sure my life is worth living without female company so all your bases are covered.
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I say most (99.9%) people lie (men and women) on these sites.. they lie about their age, height, weight, activities, the reason they're on the site, even their marital status... and so on.. So what if YOU lie too? My advice: lie just like everyone else.. 99.9% chances are.. the woman you'll meet will have lied about her weight.. so no big deal.. it'll be kif-kif..
WineCountry Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Normally I would say dont lie at all about anything. But, because of the fact that some men do get overlooked based on height, and because adding ONE INCH to your height is not THAT huge of a difference to really be very noticeable when you meet in person, I would say it's ok. Just dont fudge anything else, though.
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Oh.. one more thing... print a copy of their profile. If the woman you meet is pissed because you lied.. put her on a 'scale'... trust me.. there will be a few pounds extra..
WineCountry Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Oh.. one more thing... print a copy of their profile. If the woman you meet is pissed because you lied.. put her on a 'scale'... trust me.. there will be a few pounds extra.. Ok...THAT was great! LMAO And you KNOW that would be true!
CarrieT Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I saw something quite interesting just last night on the personals site I am investigating; I put my search criteria from ages 43 to 68 and a VERY attractive man showed up in my list. But up front, in BOLD, he stated, "FIRST OF ALL I HAVE JUST TURNED 73, BUT NO ONE WOULD FIND ME IN A SEARCH, THEY DO NOT WANT SOMEBODY THAT OLD FOR A SEARCH SO I AM BEING AS CLOSE TO UP FRONT AS POSSIBLE." After that was the rest of his profile. I found that extremely refreshing and the fact that he was so up front about his age and why he changed it to show up in a different search criteria rather fascinating. And I sent him a note because, as a 73-year old, he was still really hot and quite interesting for me to want to communicate with.
New Again Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I saw something quite interesting just last night on the personals site I am investigating; I put my search criteria from ages 43 to 68 and a VERY attractive man showed up in my list. But up front, in BOLD, he stated, "FIRST OF ALL I HAVE JUST TURNED 73, BUT NO ONE WOULD FIND ME IN A SEARCH, THEY DO NOT WANT SOMEBODY THAT OLD FOR A SEARCH SO I AM BEING AS CLOSE TO UP FRONT AS POSSIBLE." After that was the rest of his profile. I found that extremely refreshing and the fact that he was so up front about his age and why he changed it to show up in a different search criteria rather fascinating. And I sent him a note because, as a 73-year old, he was still really hot and quite interesting for me to want to communicate with. How recent was his photo and how do you know it's him?
Lizzie60 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I saw something quite interesting just last night on the personals site I am investigating; I put my search criteria from ages 43 to 68 and a VERY attractive man showed up in my list. But up front, in BOLD, he stated, "FIRST OF ALL I HAVE JUST TURNED 73, BUT NO ONE WOULD FIND ME IN A SEARCH, THEY DO NOT WANT SOMEBODY THAT OLD FOR A SEARCH SO I AM BEING AS CLOSE TO UP FRONT AS POSSIBLE." After that was the rest of his profile. I found that extremely refreshing and the fact that he was so up front about his age and why he changed it to show up in a different search criteria rather fascinating. And I sent him a note because, as a 73-year old, he was still really hot and quite interesting for me to want to communicate with. I have to confess that I do the same thing.. then I tell them after a few messages.... so I completely understand this guy..
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