Ashbash11 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Hi everyone I know it probably seems like I've posted about the same problem many times, but I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I am thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend..... (this might be a bit long...) As I mentioned in my last post, I flew out to California for the summer (I live in Boston-3,000 miles) to "live" with my boyfriend. We sublet an apartment together in Southern California, with the intention of living together, and being together all the time. However, living together was only an illusion. He works as an astronomer up at an observatory in the mountains. His job requires him to LIVE there for 8 nights in a row, sometimes only 4-5, with weekends off. He works nights, and sleeps during the day, so he can't come down and visit me at our apartment. As you can guess, I spend the majority of my time here alone. I wander the streets by myself, looking for things to do. I've tried to find a job out here, with no luck, because the economy is SO bad. I have battled homesickness since I came out here almost a month ago. (All of my close friends and family live on the east coast) I have missed birthday parties, barbecues and other events with people I love to be here, with (or without) my boyfriend. I feel like I have sacrificed A LOT, even just for the summer, to be with him. I saved up $900 to pay rent (this is a lot of money for me, I am a graduate student with NO income!) and gave up everything to come here. And yet, he's not around..... I guess what I am trying to get at, is the fact that I have given up SO much for this man, who just isn't around enough....And who hasn't sacrificed anything for me. It's not his fault, because he has a job with weird hours. It's just an extremely frustrating situation! I feel like there's nothing that will make it better. He said he would try to come down and visit more often, but then he gets too tired and can't.....This whole situation is very painful for me. i spend the year missing him and longing to be with him, and then I do everything in my power to BE with him, and it still can't happen, because of his job (which he loves, btw, and refuses to consider getting a new job in a few years) I understand the whole thing about the career being the most important, and I know that the economy is bad and everything, so I am happy that he has this job.. But, I feel like it's ruining our relationship. There's more absence than togetherness. I love this guy so much, but sometimes I wonder if this is the best situation for me to be in? i am young (24) and maybe I should just be enjoying myself? This relationship is wonderful, but it's caused me an extraordinary amount of emotional pain... the pain of him moving away, of not knowing when I will hear from him again, of not being able to contact him because he has no reception on the mountain, of being apart SO much.....A lot of pain. Any advice would be appreciated. I am at my wit's end with all of this. It's extremely depressing. I don't want to make a mistake, but sometimes I feel like I'd be better off without all of this heartache. What do you think?
Els Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Ash... he didn't take off even once, during the summer? Or they don't give their employees a fixed amount of leave per year? Also I honestly think he should have paid rent if he's the one with the paying job. Especially since YOU were the one who had to come all the way and probably pay your own ticket. Have you talked to him about this since the last time you posted? About how you were unhappy there, which was leading to your doubts about your future? You really should.
Talby Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Why does he need to live at the observatory? If it's the distance, is it possible for the two of you to get a place closer to his work so he can actually come home every day? In any case, you have to talk to him and make it clear that the current arrangement is not working.
Author Ashbash11 Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Hi guys Thanks for your responses. To answer your questions: He is not able to take much time off from work, because he's only been in this job for 9 months. He's a new employee, and so he's at the bottom of the todem pole. He gets a very limited number of days off. Yes, we had a conversation about these issues last weekend. It was a very emotional one, actually... He apologized for the way things have been this summer, but once again, there's nothing he can really do. It's just sort of the way things worked out. I asked him if he'd EVER be able to live in town with me and commute to the observatory, and he said "maybe", but he has to drive an hour UP a mountain, to get to work. For the summer, we TRIED to get an apartment closer to his work, but we weren't able to. The towns near the mountain were not subletting many apartments and if there were some, they were VERY expensive. We had to settle on a town that is 1 1/2 hours drive away. I feel like even though we've already talked about it, nothing is going to change. I am here for the summer, and the current arrangement is already in place.
Els Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 For the summer, we TRIED to get an apartment closer to his work, but we weren't able to. The towns near the mountain were not subletting many apartments and if there were some, they were VERY expensive. We had to settle on a town that is 1 1/2 hours drive away. I feel like even though we've already talked about it, nothing is going to change. I am here for the summer, and the current arrangement is already in place. That really doesn't sound so bad... 1 1/2 hours? My dad's commute to work takes that amount of time. Some of my collegemates take that long to reach university as well. I once did an internship at a place that was a 2-hour commute away. While it WAS rather sucky and tiring, it certainly wasn't impossible! But then you mentioned something before about them not LETTING employees go back home?
Author Ashbash11 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 No, he can go home whenever he wants. He just chooses not to, because he's too tired. My real question to you guys is, how much do you compromise and tolerate, before it gets to be too much? I am starting to question if this guy is worth all of this.... I feel like I am giving SO much, and I am still left missing him and wishing things were different. Should I stick it out? Or call it quits?
Els Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 My answer is that how much I can compromise and tolerate is also dependent on how much HE is willing to compromise. To be very frank, personally, if I were to give up my friends and family and have a poorer quality of life where he is, he'd darn well better be doing all HE can to make sure that we're able to be together as well. That does involve driving down at least ONE OR TWO weekdays sometimes even if he's tired. What are his working hours? What does he spend most of his working hours doing?
Author Ashbash11 Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 Hi Elswyth His working hours vary, but his typical work night starts at 5 pm, and he works until around 5 am (12 hour nights). Then he sleeps from 5 am until 2 in the afternoon, or so. The work itself is a bit complicated, and I don't entirely understand it, but from what I can gather, he observes stars from inside a telescope most nights. He views them on a computer screen. When he's not observing, he does computer programming and other mechanical tasks around the facilities, like fixing lights and repairing telescope parts. I agree with you. I think compromise on both sides is important. If he comes down a few nights a week, that would help, but my point is, I am STILL giving up WAY more than he is. He has his entire family here, friends here, etc. etc. What do I have? Just him. This is what bothers me most.
hoping2heal Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Hi Elswyth His working hours vary, but his typical work night starts at 5 pm, and he works until around 5 am (12 hour nights). Then he sleeps from 5 am until 2 in the afternoon, or so. The work itself is a bit complicated, and I don't entirely understand it, but from what I can gather, he observes stars from inside a telescope most nights. He views them on a computer screen. When he's not observing, he does computer programming and other mechanical tasks around the facilities, like fixing lights and repairing telescope parts. I agree with you. I think compromise on both sides is important. If he comes down a few nights a week, that would help, but my point is, I am STILL giving up WAY more than he is. He has his entire family here, friends here, etc. etc. What do I have? Just him. This is what bothers me most. Provided he starts compromising more, you could get more involved socially and make new friends. You are starting to resent him, it shows in your posts. If you got involved in things you enjoy and take satisfaction from, it would greatly help with this resentment. Of course he's also going to have to make a few changes and show more ferver for the relationship too.
Els Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I agree with H2h. 'No friends' shouldn't be a permanent thing, you should be able to form new ones if you really do move there. But definitely, if he's unwilling to make any compromises all this is a moot point. You WILL resent him because you're the one making all the changes and he's sacrificing nothing. Although, wow, he really works an average of 12 hours a day? That's like a medical resident. I suppose I can imagine why it'd be hard then, is there really nothing he can do about that? Btw, you did say that in the future he might be able to go to an observatory where you can stay very near his workplace?
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