NC isn't working - and a bit of karma showed up today

[Mr. Lucky]

So you'll "win" him by default. IF she ends the marriage - Not by his choice. And, we all know he does have a choice here, yet it seems like he doesn't want to be the bad guy in anyone's eyes..And, he KNOWS you're going to take him reguardless of who ends the marriage. That much he knows, hense the recent contact.

He seems like one of those gutless WS that won't make a decision and is waiting for circumstances to force his hand. And, with MWC waiting in the bushes, why should he hurry? Cake eater if there ever was one...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

As far as the vacation goes, he was going either way. Visiting ailing grandmother and other relatives. BS is off work all summer anyway, so why stay home alone. If she "knew" for sure what has happened between us, yes she would make their marriage woes about me, but then again, she wouldn't be going on the vacation either.

 

I know there won't be sex.

 

sigh.

[whichwayisup]

Blaaaah is right. You were better off in NC mode. Honestly, the less you know about what's going on with him, the better off you are.

 

Cut him off completely, tell him you can't handle it anymore and ask him to please respect your wishes by doing the NC. But, you have to mean it this time.. Actions speak louder than words, and if you cave, your word means nothing to him..He knows how to push your buttons.

 

Look, if this was your bestfriend - What would you think about the situation? Wouldn't you be thinking what most of us are posting to you about? Give it some thought.. take a step back and really take time to be alone, focus on YOU and your life. His life, marriage and drama you don't need.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

He seems like one of those gutless WS that won't make a decision and is waiting for circumstances to force his hand. And, with MWC waiting in the bushes, why should he hurry? Cake eater if there ever was one...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

yes yes and YES

[whichwayisup]

I know there won't be sex.

 

Sorry, but you do not know that 100%. Only he knows and his wife knows the truth of their sex life.

 

Do they sleep in the same bed? They have kids, right? So, chances of them sleeping in separate bedrooms is slim to none..

[whichwayisup]

yes yes and YES

 

So, don't be there 'waiting for him'. Don't slip up with NC. STAY STRONG and prove to yourself (not him) that YOU can hold out and put yourself first. He's putting himself first, why can't you? Right?

 

Let him divorce and call you, come by with the papers as proof. Until then, exit his life and let him go..Otherwise this song and dance will go on and on and on...And on..

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Blaaaah is right. You were better off in NC mode. Honestly, the less you know about what's going on with him, the better off you are.

 

Cut him off completely, tell him you can't handle it anymore and ask him to please respect your wishes by doing the NC. But, you have to mean it this time.. Actions speak louder than words, and if you cave, your word means nothing to him..He knows how to push your buttons.

 

Look, if this was your bestfriend - What would you think about the situation? Wouldn't you be thinking what most of us are posting to you about? Give it some thought.. take a step back and really take time to be alone, focus on YOU and your life. His life, marriage and drama you don't need.

 

Okay, so here's the scenario. We're at work and we have several projects we're both leading. We meet together to go over them, his office or mine, either way, it IS all business. I stare down at the notes, feeling his gaze on me, fearing what I might feel if I dare look up into his blue eyes. I keep talking about the projects.

 

He reaches to point to one of the notes, his fingertips 1/2 inch from mine. We both know the other can feel the electricity. I start to shake. He starts to shake, and our words get mixed up. I slowly look up and meet his gaze. We sigh, we continue discussing the project, the cycle repeats, the next meeting our hands touch. OMG It's like a grenade went off. So powerful.

 

Then the next meeting our legs rub under the desk. I pull away. He pouts, I tell him to smarten up, the joking starts, our hands touch... grenades go off. This goes on for two weeks after we've been so good for several weeks before that. We finally cave, right before he goes away.

 

I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this. I know this isn't different or any more or less magical than any other affair people have had.

 

I know what to do, I just don't trust myself enough to follow through with what I need to do. But I will try. I'll take another step back, I just don't want to be a yo-yo. I like moving forward, always.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

So, don't be there 'waiting for him'. Don't slip up with NC. STAY STRONG and prove to yourself (not him) that YOU can hold out and put yourself first. He's putting himself first, why can't you? Right?

 

Let him divorce and call you, come by with the papers as proof. Until then, exit his life and let him go..Otherwise this song and dance will go on and on and on...And on..

 

No, there are no kids. And thinking of them having sex makes me sick. I'm sure it makes her sick too though.

 

I know. i know i know. I need to follow through.

[whichwayisup]

You two don't have to be 'alone' in your office or his. Why not pick an open area, where other people can see if they walk by?

 

It's obvious you can't be alone with him and him with you..

 

Have you thought about looking into a transfer? Or another job? Just wondering..

 

No more yo-yo! Just make a promise to yourself and HOLD yourself TO that promise. NO MORE and don't allow 'it' to happen. WALK OUT of the room if he tries something or you start feeling flushed and turned on by him. Take control and don't let your feelings and emotions/sexual desire take over.

[whichwayisup]

Thinking of what goes on between them is only going to upset you since honestly, you don't really know 100% the real truth there..

 

Yes, yes yes..Follow through. Actions and mean it. If you cave, he KNOWS your word means nothing. Just like him telling you "I'm leaving her, I'm going to divorce" means nothing because actions have not happened.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

There are no transfer options. If either of us should look for a new job, I think he should. Especially if he stays in his M. There are alot more opportunities out there for a guy like him, than for me.

 

And I know he doesn't want to stay in this area forever. He's a little more adventurous than I. Plus I have kids so I'm kind of tied to this town for the next 5-6 years until they're done school.

 

I'll keep trying to go back to where we were a few weeks ago, no flirting or touching. Just business. I can't avoid him, we're on a few priority business projects that need alot of attention right now. But I have ten days to focus. I even worked today for a few hours, and going on a road trip (without him gasp) next week to one of our sites.

 

Right now, things suck. I have nothing to lose when I look farther ahead, like say when I'm 49! I'll still be young enough (in my view) to meet the man of my dreams.

[jj33]

MWC you need to get ANGRY. Next time he pulls crap like that at work and Im sorry it is CRAP. You tell him STOP IT.

 

This is your heart. Its not a joke. And the fact that he would do that at work? Hes getting off on the thrill, the secrecy, the naughtiness of it all.

 

You need to really take yourself more seriously. What does that mean?

 

When he gets back you tell him look we made a MISTAKE before you left. I cant and wont share you. So long as you are married we are ONLY COLLEAGUES.

 

And if you touch me again at work you will live to regret it.

 

If he tries it (like a naughty schoolboy you tell him - stop it or I am ending the meeting).

 

If YOu dont take you seriously, why should he?

 

And as for explaining things to him about his marriage? NOT YOUR PLACE and doesnt help you at all.

 

No more explaining. He is married. He knows that. He knows you want him to leave. He knows all the pros and cons. And he simply doesnt want to.

 

And whats he going to tell you about the vacation. We are really looking forward to the break? I am hoping we can find a way forward while we are away? Dont think so.

 

Maybe he will come back and say its over. The vacation was awful. We told our families while we were away.

 

But short of that. You need to wise up and stop feeding him cake. Otherwise he has no incentive to leave. And you are still on the roller coaster.

 

I used to think it was cr*p that someone had no incentive to leave while they were still with you. After all if someone REALLY loves you, having just a little bit of you would never be enough.

 

But when the other person is a conflict avoider and will have to divorce to share their life with you, the middle road is what they will choose.

 

And who really loses here? You. You can whitter on as long as you like that his W is silly to stay knowing what she knows. But i highly doubt she knows for sure. he is admitting that he doesnt want to hurt her and she doesnt know about the A.

 

He is gaslighting her big time. Why should she leave. So while he is hurting her by treating her badly and cheating on her he is hurting you as much by putting you through all this.

 

The difference is, you have volunteered for this nonsense. She is simply trying to save her marriage.

 

And no more road trips with him if you really want this to resolve itself.

 

But it doesnt sound like you do. It sounds like you are happy to be the OW.

[fooled once]

MWC - you really have no desire to end this.

 

You have no desire to stop what you are doing.

 

He isn't going to end his marriage.

 

Why don't you just call his WIFE and tell her that you are screwing him? That will solve it for you. Then, MAYBE, she will leave.

 

What if she chooses to work on the marriage? Then what?

 

And your whole post about your meetings were right out of a Harlequin romance novel.

 

What happened to being professional? You two aren't 18 year olds. You are grown adults.

 

Sorry - but I keep seeing you making excuses for your actions. I keep seeing you having all these reasons why you can't get on with your life. I see all these beliefs of yours (because he has spoon fed them to you) about HIS marriage.

 

YOU are not in the marriage so YOU can only go by what they lying cheater tells you.

 

He has you right where he wants you. He is the ultimate cake eater. And just remember, he could do this to you years down the road if his wife ever leaves him (because he is not going to instigate any separation or divorce). He is showing you how he values women and marriage.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

MWC you need to get ANGRY. Next time he pulls crap like that at work and Im sorry it is CRAP. You tell him STOP IT.

 

This is your heart. Its not a joke. And the fact that he would do that at work? Hes getting off on the thrill, the secrecy, the naughtiness of it all.

 

You need to really take yourself more seriously. What does that mean?

 

When he gets back you tell him look we made a MISTAKE before you left. I cant and wont share you. So long as you are married we are ONLY COLLEAGUES.

 

And if you touch me again at work you will live to regret it.

 

If he tries it (like a naughty schoolboy you tell him - stop it or I am ending the meeting).

 

If YOu dont take you seriously, why should he?

 

And as for explaining things to him about his marriage? NOT YOUR PLACE and doesnt help you at all.

 

No more explaining. He is married. He knows that. He knows you want him to leave. He knows all the pros and cons. And he simply doesnt want to.

Yep, jj, right on the mark as always. I will tell him it was a mistake, and that we will be strictly professional at work, no touching, go back to putting distance between us, and I will stay strong.

 

And whats he going to tell you about the vacation. We are really looking forward to the break? I am hoping we can find a way forward while we are away? Dont think so.

 

Maybe he will come back and say its over. The vacation was awful. We told our families while we were away.

Yep he hopes this is what will happen, but it seems the ball is in her court. He can't seem to go thru with it.

But short of that. You need to wise up and stop feeding him cake. Otherwise he has no incentive to leave. And you are still on the roller coaster.

 

I used to think it was cr*p that someone had no incentive to leave while they were still with you. After all if someone REALLY loves you, having just a little bit of you would never be enough.

 

But when the other person is a conflict avoider and will have to divorce to share their life with you, the middle road is what they will choose.

 

And who really loses here? You. You can whitter on as long as you like that his W is silly to stay knowing what she knows. But i highly doubt she knows for sure. he is admitting that he doesnt want to hurt her and she doesnt know about the A.

 

He is gaslighting her big time. Why should she leave. So while he is hurting her by treating her badly and cheating on her he is hurting you as much by putting you through all this.

 

The difference is, you have volunteered for this nonsense. She is simply trying to save her marriage.

 

And no more road trips with him if you really want this to resolve itself.

 

But it doesnt sound like you do. It sounds like you are happy to be the OW.

 

No, the road trips are done. I am going alone this week. It'll be strange because everyone will be asking where my sidekick is.

 

I am definitely NOT happy being the Other Woman, not even close. C'mon for pete's sake, he is on vacation with his wife, whom he claims to care about but not love, and says he married the wrong person, and his feelings for me haven't changed.

 

Meanwhile, I am alone on this gorgeous summer weekend, BBQing two steaks for myself (I guess leftovers for tomorrow), drinking wine by myself, and my kids are on vacation with their dad, which adds to the loneliness.

 

Today I was shopping, and thinking this fuuking sucks! I am single, but not available, and the only reason I'm not available is because he is still with his wife. For god's sake wtf am I doing? And believe me I will tell him exactly how I felt while he was gone.

 

That doesn't mean I don't love him or want a future with him. BUT, it will NOT happen unless he is single. AND until then, I will no longer be unavailable. I mean, it's not an even playing field, because it would not be fair to any guy I meet that I am in love with someone else, but I do need to move on if this isn't wrapped up soon.

 

Okay, so do I let him think I am moving on? I know he might "give it a year" and if that's the case, I will move on. If he still thinks it will be resolved by the end of summer, I can just do my own thing until then.

 

I have a week to plan things out, to decide how I want to handle things. So I will be on here asking for advice.

[Art_Critic]

I am single, but not available,

 

You are available... just go out and find another guy.. one that cares about you and puts you in a decent prioritiy in his life..

 

YOU CHOOSE to not be available..

 

Trust me.. if the opportunity presented itself he would be banging a third woman...

 

You are so messed up right now.. get your head straight and dump the chimp.. it ain't never gonna happen for you and him.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Well then maybe I should start a new thread. How do I find a new man? Since I separated 4 1/2 years ago, I have spend 3 summers alone.

 

Like I said, this is the worst time of the year for me being lonely. I hate it. I look forward to winter when I am busy (even though it's -35C here).

 

I live an hour from the city. The guys here are all yuck. I can't move until my kids finish school. That's another 6 years.

 

I'm just lonely, and alone, and I hate it. And I don't want to make the same mistakes and just date for the sake of not being alone. I hate this. I really do!

 

So I might as well be alone, and use the MM as an excuse to stay alone. I refuse to online date anymore. But in the last 4 years I have met only two men that weren't online. Where are they all?

 

This sucks. I'm sexy, I'm nice, a little quiet, have a great job, I own my house, I'm a great mom, I look 30 and I'm almost 44, I can be little miss homemaker, and I can be wrily sex-kitten. I love life, I'm a positive person, I'm competitive and very successful in my career and in a certain sport I partake in (almost made the 2010 Olympics!). Am I too intimidating? Today while shopping, the only looks I got were from men who were shopping with their WIVES!

 

I don't go to bars, my friends all have a gazillion kids, and I want somebody I am physically attracted to. In the past I have always settled for "nice guys" and look where that got me? The last one turned out to be a total Ahole.

 

Am I impatient? I tend to think I am very patient, and maybe a bit too understanding. Sorry, I am ranting now LOL This just sucks, that's all.

[me003]

Girl I know what you mean. I have dated 3 guys since Dday. One was a jerk, a real jerk and I gave him a chance to just get the ball rolling. The other one stood me up and told me he was having a deep cleaning 45 minutes before we were supposed to go on our date. the other guys has been married 2 times and is not going trough his player stage at the age of 43. ( the above guys ranged from Police officers, to COE of a company, to a construction worker)

 

to top it Now I just want guy friends, but I can't find guy friends, They all just want to sleep with me. Nice,,, Just what I'm looking for more guys using me for sex.

 

I am an accomplished woman who is pretty and I just find loosers.

 

I need to know where these single guys who are ready for commitment are located because the single guys I find just want sex.

[me003]

Oh, and I am too old for clubs, I do bars, but again they want sex. I go to the super market, I got o libraries and galeries.

[Reggie]

Okay, so here's the scenario. We're at work and we have several projects we're both leading. We meet together to go over them, his office or mine, either way, it IS all business. I stare down at the notes, feeling his gaze on me, fearing what I might feel if I dare look up into his blue eyes. I keep talking about the projects.

 

He reaches to point to one of the notes, his fingertips 1/2 inch from mine. We both know the other can feel the electricity. I start to shake. He starts to shake, and our words get mixed up. I slowly look up and meet his gaze. We sigh, we continue discussing the project, the cycle repeats, the next meeting our hands touch. OMG It's like a grenade went off. So powerful.

 

Then the next meeting our legs rub under the desk. I pull away. He pouts, I tell him to smarten up, the joking starts, our hands touch... grenades go off. This goes on for two weeks after we've been so good for several weeks before that. We finally cave, right before he goes away.

 

I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this. I know this isn't different or any more or less magical than any other affair people have had.

 

I know what to do, I just don't trust myself enough to follow through with what I need to do. But I will try. I'll take another step back, I just don't want to be a yo-yo. I like moving forward, always.

 

Sweet Jesus. This pulsing, heaving as one, sinewy armed stallion is irresistible. Your bodies will become as one, heaving, ever pulsating...