pandagirl Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Tonight I saw J, the guy I've been dating for the past couple of months. After messing around, we were laying in bed, and I said, 'Listen, the reason we're not having sex is because I don't know if you're seeing anyone else.' And he basically told me is he seeing another woman. Then we had this long, nice, honest discussion about it. He told me this is the first time he's ever really dated two women at the same time, and he's doing it because in his past relationships, he's always been like, "Is she the one?" "Is this who I'm going to marry?" And it's been detrimental to him. He told me he is not looking for a monogamous relationship right now and doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend. He doesn't know if he wants that from the other girl either; they are having sex, and she doesn't know about me, but he said if she asked, he would tell her the truth. I told him that it was fine, that I don't know what I want with him either, but at the same time, I said I need to be with a guy who is into me and wants to see me, and that if he isn't into me, then we should just end things. He replied with, "I like you and I like spending time with you..." Not enough for me. I don't blame him for dating someone else; we were totally casual anyway, but I am not second prize. I should be First Prize. He left because he is waking up at 5am to go surfing, but he wants to meet up tomorrow to talk about this more. But really, why? What is there to talk about? Admittedly, I am disappointed. It's never fun hearing a guy you like doesn't want anything more than you than casual dating. He really is a good guy, and we had a mature, honest discussion about the whole thing. He said, "You are a really strong, level-headed, smart woman. I really admire and appreciate that." Part of me just wants to continue casually dating him, because we do have a lot of fun together, but at the same time...I know myself well enough that I will end up getting hurt. I'm doing the right thing, right?
BobSacamento Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 All I know is he's doing the right thing. If he loses you he still has the other girl to fall back on. You lose him, your left alone.
Author pandagirl Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 All I know is he's doing the right thing. If he loses you he still has the other girl to fall back on. You lose him, your left alone. Dude, I don't care about being "alone." If he doesn't know what he wants, then he can have the other girl!
boogieboy Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 To answer your question, you are doing the right thing by leaving him. If you want to be exclusive and he doesnt...well really you shouldnt have to live life holding back sex, so you can get another guy.
D-Lish Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Trust me Panda- you would be doing the right thing for yourself by walking away. Trying to date someone like this is too complicated. You have to trust that he means it when he says he isn't looking for a gf. And you're right- if I liked a guy- I wouldn't knowingly consent to sharing him.
Author pandagirl Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Trust me Panda- you would be doing the right thing for yourself by walking away. Trying to date someone like this is too complicated. You have to trust that he means it when he says he isn't looking for a gf. And you're right- if I liked a guy- I wouldn't knowingly consent to sharing him. Yeah, he's not the one for me. It sucks, I do like him and was starting to care for him, but knowing he doesn't want a relationship with me and is dating someone else just plummets my interest level to zero. I think I really caught him off guard when I asked him if he was seeing other people. ha! Why does he want to meet up with me tomorrow though? He said, "I think we should both sleep on this and talk about this tomorrow." In my head, it's over. I don't share, nor do I feel like I have to compete for the affections for someone without the potential for a relationship.
Hkizzle Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Wow respect girl. It's not easy to walk away from someone you like, especially when they give excuses that give a girl hope. Lots of people can't see clearly when they like someone, they get false hope which makes them cling on to a relationship that won't work out. To make it worse the other person often makes comments that creates false hope and makes them cling on. There's nothing worse than lukewarm. A guy that's a total jerk is easy to walk away from. Lukewarm is much harder and worse since you can waste huge amounts of time once emotionally attached.
Author pandagirl Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 The only part that makes me sad is I know enough and am old enough to know you can't be friends with people you've dated (seriously, I've tried SO many times). You can never reclaim that intimacy you once had, and it feels empty. I told him that. That we couldn't be friends if we stopped seeing each other -- it just doesn't work. I just care about people a lot, in general. Whenever someone leaves, it feels like a big hole in my heart.
boogieboy Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 He said, "I think we should both sleep on this and talk about this tomorrow." . Hes gonna try to convince you why he should keep you and the other girl, and why not being in a relationship is a good idea...even though he will continue to compliment you. I also call BS on his polygamus excuse being his past relationships. Hes seeing 2 women, because he can and hes enjoying it. Glad youre jumping ship. And im hatin on him because I cant do it. Fuccim.
Hkizzle Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Well the big hole in the heart feeling is why so many people make bad choices in relationships. People always ask "why are relationships so hard?". Well the biggest culprit is our emotions, it clouds our judgement. What feels best also works against us when it's not good. That's why I said respect. Many people are unable to consciously beat their emotions.
Jilly Bean Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 He's a total douche, PG. I don't like this whole thing about how he's screwing her, yet still messing around with you. Classless, even if he wants to spin it that he has no commitment with anyone. There's a thing called personal integrity... Let this one go, hon. Keeping yourself tethered to someone who isn't THE ONE, will only prevent you from being with the one who is.
Author pandagirl Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 He's a total douche, PG. I don't like this whole thing about how he's screwing her, yet still messing around with you. Classless, even if he wants to spin it that he has no commitment with anyone. There's a thing called personal integrity... Let this one go, hon. Keeping yourself tethered to someone who isn't THE ONE, will only prevent you from being with the one who is. I'm not defending him, but he's not a total douche. I will say he is very immature for his age and doesn't have his **** together. Over dinner, I was telling him about guy friend of mine who confessed he had cheated on his gf in a long-distance relationship. He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with that! That it itself was a substantial deal-breaker for me. Thank god I wasn't having sex with him (but, poor me, I haven't had sex for a year!) and he totally would have if I had let him, when he knows I have herpes and was having sex with this other girl. Not cool. I don't know what he's going to say to me tomorrow, but the more I think about it, the more I realize he's not worth my time.
Jilly Bean Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I will say he is very immature for his age and doesn't have his **** together. Over dinner, I was telling him about guy friend of mine who confessed he had cheated on his gf in a long-distance relationship. He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with that! That it itself was a substantial deal-breaker for me. Thank god I wasn't having sex with him (but, poor me, I haven't had sex for a year!) and he totally would have if I had let him, when he knows I have herpes and was having sex with this other girl. Not cool. OK, everything you wrote is what makes him a total douche, PG. You're too sweet sometimes. It's OK to be angry at him, and the situation. Let it out, sister!
Trialbyfire Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I'm not defending him, but he's not a total douche. I will say he is very immature for his age and doesn't have his **** together. Over dinner, I was telling him about guy friend of mine who confessed he had cheated on his gf in a long-distance relationship. He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with that! That it itself was a substantial deal-breaker for me. Thank god I wasn't having sex with him (but, poor me, I haven't had sex for a year!) and he totally would have if I had let him, when he knows I have herpes and was having sex with this other girl. Not cool. I don't know what he's going to say to me tomorrow, but the more I think about it, the more I realize he's not worth my time.I wasn't going to call him a douche until this post, since there was no discussion of exclusivity, albeit shades of heavy black in the sleeping and fooling around with more than one person. Add that he's comfortable with cheating and you can bet he would do the same, if given half the chance. Run, Panda, run!! I would have said so before but now, do the stop watch run.
Author pandagirl Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 OK, everything you wrote is what makes him a total douche, PG. You're too sweet sometimes. It's OK to be angry at him, and the situation. Let it out, sister! haha. I'm not angry! I think I'm just disappointed. I've gotten better, but I tend to attract somewhat damaged people with emotional issues, because I have gone through my fair share of stuff myself. So I just empathize a lot. I see the potential in people, and whereas in the past I've pinned my hopes on that "potential" and tried to make things work, I've gotten to the point where I don't want to "fix" people anymore. I see the good in him and know he has a big heart, but yeah -- I'm done with this one. Damn, he was a good kisser though!
Author pandagirl Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 I wasn't going to call him a douche until this post, since there was no discussion of exclusivity, albeit shades of heavy black in the sleeping and fooling around with more than one person. Add that he's comfortable with cheating and you can bet he would do the same, if given half the chance. Run, Panda, run!! I would have said so before but now, do the stop watch run. lol! Ugh. I still have to see him tomorrow to "talk," although I don't understand why we need to do this since we were never technically together. What is there to say? him: I like you, but I don't want to be your boyfriend. me: ... him: But I'm sleeping with another girl. me: ... him: I like you though. me: ... him: And like spending time with you. me: ... him But I don't want a monogamous relationship. This is my prediction. hahaha/
Truly Lost Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I think he just wants to keep his options open with you. I'm sure he likes you and enjoys having sex with you, but you're not just looking for sex. You're looking for someone you can fall in love with, and possibly have a future with....right? I think he knows this and saw the signals coming from you and as a result distanced himself. Besides he would have to distance himself if he wants to carry on with another woman. If he could have kept this other woman a secret from you, he probably would have. This situation reminds me of the phrase, "Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free". You caught him off guard when you called him out on what you thought was happening. He didn't have anything clever to say, and probably knew all the signs were very telling, so he came clean. I'm sure he thinks your are a smart, sweet, attractive girl and respects you for those qualities, but not enough to be with you. How nice....you are good enough to have sex with, but not enough for him to call you his girlfriend. When ever I hear a guy telling a woman he doesn't want a commitment....I tend to think that statement translates to "I can't really see myself in a relationship with you". I know timing has a lot to do with a relationship working out, but I think people do know when they really like someone and will do what they can to preserve it. He isn't thinking of you or your feelings while he is screwing this other woman, now is he? I know neither of you declared that you both are exclusive to each other, but it doesn't make it ok for him to withhold that he is having sex with someone else. He should have explained to you clearly, in the beginning, that he is dating other women and doesn't want anything serious with you. That way you are informed and can protect yourself from being hurt. That's fair. Making you be obliged to ask him for that info isn't right. Honestly, he knows telling you about being with other women is going to be a "turn off" and ultimately will lead to him not "getting any" from you. So he isn't going to say anything at all. He probably thinks, if you aren't wise enough to ask these questions, up front, then it's all on you, when you feel hurt. You said the other girl doesn't know about you. Do you think she would carry on with him if she knew he was hooking up with you? I don't think so. This causes so much unnecessary drama and someone always get hurt as a result. I say ditch him. It's ok to hear what he has to say, but don't fall for his false sincerity.
Truly Lost Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I just read another one of your posts you had on this thread....I guess you didn't have sex with him at all? I didn't read all the posts before I typed my previous response (shame on me). If you hadn't had sex with him yet then maybe my last post wasn't necessary, I got confused, but I guess you can take my advise how you like.
sb129 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I wouldn't bother meeting up with him tomorrow- as you say, whats the point? Next!
love_darlings Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 If you are still with him, it's okay. However if it's not anymore just find another good kisser, lol!
Author pandagirl Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 You said the other girl doesn't know about you. Do you think she would carry on with him if she knew he was hooking up with you? I don't know. I just looked at her facebook page and she has self-portraits of herself in her bikini. Trying not to be judgmental, but... I just read another one of your posts you had on this thread....I guess you didn't have sex with him at all? I didn't read all the posts before I typed my previous response (shame on me). If you hadn't had sex with him yet then maybe my last post wasn't necessary, I got confused, but I guess you can take my advise how you like. Nope, we've been intimate, but we haven't had sex, because I didn't know how he felt about me/didn't know if he was dating other people.
Truly Lost Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Well, now you know he is. How does that make you feel? Since your relationship seems to be on courtesy and friendship, I would tell him politely to "GET LOST!!!" He is no good for you at all. I don't see a future in this one. Sorry!
GiveAndTake Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 A few years ago, this same thing happened to a friend of mine. The only difference was, she was CRAZY about the guy that didn't want to be monogamous. What she did was say "ok, WE will see other people" THEN SHE DID! It drove him batty. Within a week, they were exclusive (his insistance) Today, they are married.
Hkizzle Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 A few years ago, this same thing happened to a friend of mine. The only difference was, she was CRAZY about the guy that didn't want to be monogamous. What she did was say "ok, WE will see other people" THEN SHE DID! It drove him batty. Within a week, they were exclusive (his insistance) Today, they are married. Lol, some people are playing relationship poker and bad at bluffing.
zicke Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Tonight I saw J, the guy I've been dating for the past couple of months. After messing around, we were laying in bed, and I said, 'Listen, the reason we're not having sex is because I don't know if you're seeing anyone else.' And he basically told me is he seeing another woman. Then we had this long, nice, honest discussion about it. He told me this is the first time he's ever really dated two women at the same time, and he's doing it because in his past relationships, he's always been like, "Is she the one?" "Is this who I'm going to marry?" And it's been detrimental to him. He told me he is not looking for a monogamous relationship right now and doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend. He doesn't know if he wants that from the other girl either; they are having sex, and she doesn't know about me, but he said if she asked, he would tell her the truth. I told him that it was fine, that I don't know what I want with him either, but at the same time, I said I need to be with a guy who is into me and wants to see me, and that if he isn't into me, then we should just end things. He replied with, "I like you and I like spending time with you..." Not enough for me. I don't blame him for dating someone else; we were totally casual anyway, but I am not second prize. I should be First Prize. He left because he is waking up at 5am to go surfing, but he wants to meet up tomorrow to talk about this more. But really, why? What is there to talk about? Admittedly, I am disappointed. It's never fun hearing a guy you like doesn't want anything more than you than casual dating. He really is a good guy, and we had a mature, honest discussion about the whole thing. He said, "You are a really strong, level-headed, smart woman. I really admire and appreciate that." Part of me just wants to continue casually dating him, because we do have a lot of fun together, but at the same time...I know myself well enough that I will end up getting hurt. I'm doing the right thing, right? Oh yes, you are definitely doing the right thing. What bugs me about him most is that he is having sex with the other woman, but is lying to her by omission by not telling her that he is also messing around and dating you. And the only way you found out is because you told him the score about exclusivity. This is why women have to ask these things before they have sex with a man. If you hadn't brought it up, I can bet he never would have either, he would have continued seeing you and perhaps moving on to sleeping with you, and sleeping with the other woman as well. Now, I don't want to bring this up to make you feel bad, cos you shouldn't, but, what if he gave something to her because of sexual activity with you? This would NOT be your fault, at all, but would be his, 100%. IMO, he IS NOT a good guy, he just wanted his cake, your cake and the other chick's cake and not have to tell the cakes he what he was doing. Personally, I would be skeeved out if I was dating a guy, and messing around with him, and he's having sex with another woman as well. Gross. You deserve and will get a great guy who won't want to see anyone else but you. Hold out for that. And congrats on keeping your boundaries in place, the other chick probably thinks he's her boyfriend, cos she didn't talk about it. She is in for quite a rude awakening. And again, he is LYING. Not telling someone you are sleeping with someone else while attempting to get in someone else's is shady shady behavior.
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