Suicidal

[Ariadne]

When is it too soon, though? 'Cause I know in the very beginning you have no enthusiasm to do anything and I don't want to go out and do something I'm not going to enjoy. I know going out is good, but I don't want to go out to something like a big planned trip

 

Nah, just go sit under a tree on a place like this (pic) or walk in a place like this (pic) or like this (pic).

 

I personally find solitary places like that very comforting. But it has to suit your mood. Just being outside in nature will comfort you I think.

[quankanne]

getting medical help isn't a waste of dinero, hon ... esp. if there's a regimen to help you get back on track psychologically ...

[Road To Joy]

Thank you for the advice.

 

quankanne, ever since I was a kid I never wanted to bother anyone. I ALWAYS kept things in, I was afraid of being a burden. I can sincerely say I've never spoken to someone about my feelings openly and honestly (other than LS). I'm afraid of asking family, for example, for help when it comes to that, psychologists or psychiatrists. Especially since it's been summer and they've used money for trips and such. On top of that, we all know how bad the economy is. At least for most of us.

 

Anyways, I just told my ex the whole NC thing a while ago. It's starting to hit me and I'm not feeling too well right now. I think I'm going to try sleeping it off, and hopefully it'll be better by the morning.

 

Ouch.

[moo]

Road to Joy, you may be able to get psychological help for free. Universities in your area may counsel people in your area for free. If they tell you they don't take clients until school starts, just tell them this is an emergency. Also, there are some places that have sliding scale prices. Also, some human service establishments give counseling for free as well. Would you like me to help you find a place to go?

[Road To Joy]

Road to Joy, you may be able to get psychological help for free. Universities in your area may counsel people in your area for free. If they tell you they don't take clients until school starts, just tell them this is an emergency. Also, there are some places that have sliding scale prices. Also, some human service establishments give counseling for free as well. Would you like me to help you find a place to go?

 

Well, if all that's the case then it shouldn't be hard for me to. I don't live in a small, rural town or anything. But sure, you can help me. I'm not sure what to do, though... do I just google it or something?

 

I live in Orlando, Florida.

[georgia girl]

Road to Joy... there are many paths to happiness and just one of them leads to your ex's door. If you really need counseling, find a support group in your area (and certainly use us). Also, sometimes you have to make the investment in counseling. It doesn't seem like it's worth the money, but it is.

 

Most of all - if I could tell you anything - QUIT DWELLING!!! Sadness begets sadness. Happiness begets happiness. It's hard right now. Everything hurts. But find one teeny tiny thing to make yourself happy. Then, build on that thing.

 

You will be happy again. It will take time, but you will get there. Vent, talk it out and then try one step at moving on. It gets better... so much better.

[gd26]

Hi RTJ,

 

You can certainly PM me if you'd like. I may not be able to answer your PM right away since I am in the process of moving and will thus be on LS less frequently, but I'd still be glad to hear from you.

 

Don't expect yourself to feel better overnight. Getting unattached to someone you really cared for often takes time. Right now you might feel that you are going through the motions and pretending to be happy when you are going out with friends or spending time outdoors, but that's okay. Just do it anyways. After all, it's a much better alternative than being stuck in bed all day and not eating, isn't it? You can't rush or force yourself to get over anyone, all you can do is take positive steps in the right direction to make yourself feel good. Right now it might feel impossible for you to get over her, but don't dwell on that. Last year, I was quite sad and depressed thinking that I might have lost the love of my life, and no one would have been able to convince me otherwise that he wasn't right for me - as I really believed that I had found "the one". But nearly a year later my perspective is much more objective than it was back then. Now I can see that he was a great guy with amazing potential, but since he wasn't giving me what I needed in a relationship - I can still be happy with others who choose to offer their best to me. It may take a while to reach this way of thinking, but that's okay. You'll get there in time.

 

For the next 3-4 months, maybe you should give yourself rewards for each month of NC you do... determining that you won't contact her for any reason or respond to any of her contacts (unless it is an absolute emergency, like someone in her immediate family dying. However if you are the one with the emergency, then seek assistance from your other friends or family - not her). Nor will you read through any old emails or listen to sad songs on the radio. If you can get through 3 more months of NC, I think you will likely be in a different place then.

 

I also support the idea of you getting some counseling. It is helpful to share your thoughts with others, especially in person. We get so used to sharing our deepest thoughts with our partners in relationships. Then after the relationship is over, we often don't know who to go to talk about things (as obviously it isn't constructive to share our heartbreak with the person who our heart got broken up over in the first place). Yet friends often get tired of hearing the same story over and over. A therapist might be better equipped not only to hear the story, but also to guide you through negative thought patterns which are setting you back from healing.

[LisaUk]

gd26, you're posts have helped me today so much, you could never know. Thank you.

 

Road to joy, you are not alone in your thoughts, I think most of us have had them and if you go on the seperation and divorce board, read through some threads you will see how many of us have come quite close to it, some with guns in the room even. But, remember, NO ONE is worth that EVER. You are a unique individual person, with your own special characteristics and if she can't see that and appreciate the person you are then she does not deserve you. There will be someone else for you someday that will love you for the wonderful person you are.

[Road To Joy]

Road to Joy... there are many paths to happiness and just one of them leads to your ex's door. If you really need counseling, find a support group in your area (and certainly use us). Also, sometimes you have to make the investment in counseling. It doesn't seem like it's worth the money, but it is.

 

Most of all - if I could tell you anything - QUIT DWELLING!!! Sadness begets sadness. Happiness begets happiness. It's hard right now. Everything hurts. But find one teeny tiny thing to make yourself happy. Then, build on that thing.

 

You will be happy again. It will take time, but you will get there. Vent, talk it out and then try one step at moving on. It gets better... so much better.

 

Actually, georgia girl, one of the paths leading to happiness is not my ex's door. She made me go through so much that I know for a fact I'll be miserable if we were to be together again. Even while we were together, I was depressed. 'Cause of everything she did, and when she broke NC recently and we started talking again, I went back to the whole depression thing. That's where this post came from. It's like as soon as we started talking again, I went back to how I was while we were still together. She was like a time machine to the past, and it wasn't pleasant. I've always been weak to let go of something, which is why INITIATING NC is hard for me, but once the hard part's done, things get A LOT easier pretty quick.

 

Thank you so much for 'following' me on this thread. It feels good to know someone out there is caring and coming back to see how I'm doing and giving me more advice. I really appreciate it. Oh and I went on a quick road trip to Georgia a few days ago to see my favorite musician live and I LOVED it. It was in Athens. The whole little town was so simple and I liked the old buildings. I want to go to school there now

 

Hi RTJ,

 

You can certainly PM me if you'd like. I may not be able to answer your PM right away since I am in the process of moving and will thus be on LS less frequently, but I'd still be glad to hear from you.

 

Don't expect yourself to feel better overnight. Getting unattached to someone you really cared for often takes time. Right now you might feel that you are going through the motions and pretending to be happy when you are going out with friends or spending time outdoors, but that's okay. Just do it anyways. After all, it's a much better alternative than being stuck in bed all day and not eating, isn't it? You can't rush or force yourself to get over anyone, all you can do is take positive steps in the right direction to make yourself feel good. Right now it might feel impossible for you to get over her, but don't dwell on that. Last year, I was quite sad and depressed thinking that I might have lost the love of my life, and no one would have been able to convince me otherwise that he wasn't right for me - as I really believed that I had found "the one". But nearly a year later my perspective is much more objective than it was back then. Now I can see that he was a great guy with amazing potential, but since he wasn't giving me what I needed in a relationship - I can still be happy with others who choose to offer their best to me. It may take a while to reach this way of thinking, but that's okay. You'll get there in time.

 

For the next 3-4 months, maybe you should give yourself rewards for each month of NC you do... determining that you won't contact her for any reason or respond to any of her contacts (unless it is an absolute emergency, like someone in her immediate family dying. However if you are the one with the emergency, then seek assistance from your other friends or family - not her). Nor will you read through any old emails or listen to sad songs on the radio. If you can get through 3 more months of NC, I think you will likely be in a different place then.

 

I also support the idea of you getting some counseling. It is helpful to share your thoughts with others, especially in person. We get so used to sharing our deepest thoughts with our partners in relationships. Then after the relationship is over, we often don't know who to go to talk about things (as obviously it isn't constructive to share our heartbreak with the person who our heart got broken up over in the first place). Yet friends often get tired of hearing the same story over and over. A therapist might be better equipped not only to hear the story, but also to guide you through negative thought patterns which are setting you back from healing.

 

Well, your delay to answer PMs won't be a problem, since I can't even PM yet! I'm sure when I can, you'll already be settled down, anyways.

 

As a lot of people reading my posts should know, I'm terrified that I'm not doing something right and love being reasured that what I'm going through is normal. I definitely know what it feels like to pretend to be happy. The few weeks I WAS in NC, it definitely felt that way. I felt okay, and I could get through the days without feeling depressed or crying. I had fun, and I didn't worry 'cause I had nothing to worry about. We weren't together and we weren't talking so I didn't have to worry about her cheating or lying to me or even finding out she was with someone new, 'cause I had no way of finding that out. 'Ignorance is bliss', as some people say. But I felt like I was faking it, it felt surreal. And again, being the worried person that I am, I was scared that this wasn't going to end, and that I was going to spend the rest of my life 'faking it'. I guess that's a fear that still haunts me in some ways.

 

3 months of NC sounds scary. I know that it is what I should do, and I will do it but is it normal to be scared of moving on? I think it feels this way 'cause she was my main focus while we were together for almost 3 years. The thing I looked forward to the most everyday was her and she was on my mind every minute of the day. And now that's gone. This upcoming school year will be my first without her in a long ass time. And it sucks. And it's scary, and I hope it's normal to be scared. 'Cause if it's not, then I'm going to be more scared. Ahh, I hate my worrying nature.

 

What you said about talking to your partners about your feelings is especially true for me. I have always been an emotional recluse, and she's the only person I've told most of my feelings to. So it's going to be hard finding someone else to talk to about them, but LS certainly does help. As for counseling, I think I will eventually. Like you said, a psychiatrist can most likely help me get my negative thoughts out of the way that could be setting me back in the healing process. I think if I do get a psychiatrist, I'll feel a lot more secure. Not only will I have someone to talk to about my feelings and tell my secrets to, but also I won't be as scared of not doing something right. He/she would be guiding me, so I wouldn't worry as much about that. Also, he/she could help me dig out any other psychological problems I may have. But right now, like I said before, my whole family is planning trips and figuring out their finances, etc etc. and I don't want to be the party pooper and come out and say I need psychiatric help. Then all their plans will be ruined 'cause they'd have to pay for it, and I'll feel guilty, and needy, it goes on and on. I'll just give it some time.

 

I should remind people I'm at the ripe, young age of 18. I'm a full-time student, I just got out of high school. So, believe me. If I was older, lived on my own, had my own career, I would be talking to my psychiatrist and I wouldn't have a problem with it. I would be wasting my own money on my own problems. But since that is not the case, yet, I don't want to be a burden and tell my wonderful, dedicated mommy that I need a couple hundred dollars an hour.

 

I hope I don't sound naive to you all I assure you I'm a lot more mature than my age.

 

gd26, you're posts have helped me today so much, you could never know. Thank you.

 

Road to joy, you are not alone in your thoughts, I think most of us have had them and if you go on the seperation and divorce board, read through some threads you will see how many of us have come quite close to it, some with guns in the room even. But, remember, NO ONE is worth that EVER. You are a unique individual person, with your own special characteristics and if she can't see that and appreciate the person you are then she does not deserve you. There will be someone else for you someday that will love you for the wonderful person you are.

 

 

I'm actually scared to go on any other boards, 'cause they might upset me. For example if I go on that one, I'll just be sad 'cause it'll make me scared that someday I'm going to come out of this rut, fall in love again, get married, and end up on that very board. But I never thought that the seperation and divorce board must actually be very similar to this one, except maybe even worst. I will go on it, though. And I'm sure it'll make me appreciate the fact that I don't have it as bad as some of the people on there.

 

Thank you for the very kind words, Lisa. They really did help. I know I have a lot to offer, and she really didn't appreciate all I did for her and all I went through.

 

Wow, reading back on this, I REALLY have to get my paranoia checked out. I'm scared of everything! And a lot of it has to do with how sensitive I am... ugh. Damn genetics!

[moo]

Road to Joy, I just saw your message to me. I'm working on it now.

[moo]

The University of Central Florida is located in Orlando.

 

The Psychological clinic offers services to the public. They are here http://psychclinic.cos.ucf.edu/

 

Their number is 407-823-4348

 

They dont' take walk ins.

 

They are open throughout the day during the week. So, if they tell you they basically see clients during the regular school year, if you feel it is an emergency, let them know.

 

The counseling center there is another place that gives therapy. However, it is for students, BUT they have a list on their websites that has places that take sliding scale fee. Catholic Charities is on their among others. I know someone who went through counseling there and there was NO religion involved. So don't let the name fool you. The same may be true for other places that have a religion in their title.

 

Anyway,

That page is found here http://www.counseling.sdes.ucf.edu/CounselingResources.htm

 

Here is their number (407) 823-2811

 

If you are not a student their, you can ask for resources for non-students.

 

Also, didn't you say you go to school? IF you are a student somewhere else, check that school to see if they offer counseling. I'm almost positive they would. But if you don't want to go through your school, the above options should help.

[LisaUk]

Road to joy, if you can manage to go on the divorce board you will indeed see a lot of the emotions you are experiencing are the same as us on there. I was with my ex 18 years and relate to how you feel. If nothing else you will also maybe learn a little bit on how to NOT end up on there. One of the posters on there Gunny, has very sound advice for everyone, he says the one thing they don't teach in highschool? Is how to make a relationship work, how to make a marriage work, how to communicate. He suggests we could all do with some education, there are tons of relationship books out there, read them, then hopefully you will not be one of the ones who end up on that board!

[EmperorR]

everyone has suicidal thoughts after a breakup trust me i'vebeen there, been 11 months and I'm stronger wiser in everything. I don't think those thoughts anymore and cant wait for what life has in store for me.

[Road To Joy]

The University of Central Florida is located in Orlando.

 

The Psychological clinic offers services to the public. They are here http://psychclinic.cos.ucf.edu/

 

Their number is 407-823-4348

 

They dont' take walk ins.

 

They are open throughout the day during the week. So, if they tell you they basically see clients during the regular school year, if you feel it is an emergency, let them know.

 

The counseling center there is another place that gives therapy. However, it is for students, BUT they have a list on their websites that has places that take sliding scale fee. Catholic Charities is on their among others. I know someone who went through counseling there and there was NO religion involved. So don't let the name fool you. The same may be true for other places that have a religion in their title.

 

Anyway,

That page is found here http://www.counseling.sdes.ucf.edu/CounselingResources.htm

 

Here is their number (407) 823-2811

 

If you are not a student their, you can ask for resources for non-students.

 

Also, didn't you say you go to school? IF you are a student somewhere else, check that school to see if they offer counseling. I'm almost positive they would. But if you don't want to go through your school, the above options should help.

 

Thank you SO much. Words cannot express how grateful I am for this. I will definitely look into this. Again, thank you so much for taking the time and looking this up for me.

 

Road to joy, if you can manage to go on the divorce board you will indeed see a lot of the emotions you are experiencing are the same as us on there. I was with my ex 18 years and relate to how you feel. If nothing else you will also maybe learn a little bit on how to NOT end up on there. One of the posters on there Gunny, has very sound advice for everyone, he says the one thing they don't teach in highschool? Is how to make a relationship work, how to make a marriage work, how to communicate. He suggests we could all do with some education, there are tons of relationship books out there, read them, then hopefully you will not be one of the ones who end up on that board!

 

The advice I have received on this thread has been so helpful in so many ways. Thank you, Lisa. I will go on the divorce board for sure now. And I will read books and ask questions. I will do everything in my power to ensure I have a healthy marriage when the time comes. I hope my paranoia doesn't get the best of me, though, and I don't over do it.

 

But anyways, any advice is appreciated. I love to learn and when things interest me, I can be an information-sucking machine. So any advice on marriage/relationships will definitely be stored in my head for future reference.

 

everyone has suicidal thoughts after a breakup trust me i'vebeen there, been 11 months and I'm stronger wiser in everything. I don't think those thoughts anymore and cant wait for what life has in store for me.

 

Emp, I have read about your situation and I am SO sorry for what you have gone through. I cannot imagine going through that and definitely look up to you for being able to cope with it. I'm glad you're doing better and it feels great knowing you've been where I am, and are in a better place now.

[moo]

Thank you SO much. Words cannot express how grateful I am for this. I will definitely look into this. Again, thank you so much for taking the time and looking this up for me.

 

You are very, very, welcome. Stay strong. Oh, by the way, if that doesn't work out for you, look at the other Universities in the Orlando Area. Again, stay strong.

[brock9911]

Trust me, iv been there n tried it. than freaking out and getting stuck in a psych ward, isnt a very pleasant experience. after that, i havnet had those feelings anymore. trust me theres too much to do and too much to see. i learned and realized its selfish and hurts everyone around you.

 

we've talked already, you seem smart and to be a bit better than the beginning, trust me when i say it passes. and also, just take up drinking, that way you slowly kill yourself like me. j/k

 

either way feel better, and maybe see a doctor for your depression. talking to a shrink has a very soothing affect on the heart. it helps

[Road To Joy]

You are very, very, welcome. Stay strong. Oh, by the way, if that doesn't work out for you, look at the other Universities in the Orlando Area. Again, stay strong.

 

I will stay strong. I have my whole life ahead of me. The suicidal thoughts bring on whole new waves of emotions, like anger, and even more depression 'cause it upsets me that I'm only 18 and I'm already waiting for the day that I die. I haven't even had kids yet, traveled where I want to travel, followed my career path, NOTHING! I have so much left to do, and it pisses me off how one person, as much as I love her, changes my view on life and humanity in general. Making me extremely cynical, paranoid, and jaded.

 

I have to get through this, not only 'cause I want to but because I'm far too selfless to not live AT LEAST for my family. And to be completely honest, I'm too big of a p*ssy (sorry if that word offends anyone) to kill myself

 

Again, thanks for all the support you've given me, moo (and of course, anyone else who's replied to my thread). I'm eternally grateful.

 

Trust me, iv been there n tried it. than freaking out and getting stuck in a psych ward, isnt a very pleasant experience. after that, i havnet had those feelings anymore. trust me theres too much to do and too much to see. i learned and realized its selfish and hurts everyone around you.

 

we've talked already, you seem smart and to be a bit better than the beginning, trust me when i say it passes. and also, just take up drinking, that way you slowly kill yourself like me. j/k

 

either way feel better, and maybe see a doctor for your depression. talking to a shrink has a very soothing affect on the heart. it helps

 

Thank you for your insight, Brock or Brian (I don't know what you prefer to be called on here ). Oh and have you noticed Brock sounds like Barack? Lol. Anyways, I have been following your story and have been glad to see so much progress. I know there's still rough patches, but you've moved along a long way. Though I didn't know about your suicide attempt. A big reason why I don't want to kill myself IS because of my family (you said you realized it's selfish). And like I said before, I'm far too selfless to do that to them.

 

And sadly, I can't take on drinking Mostly because my tastebuds aren't very fond of alcohol I'll drink a glass of wine every now and then, if I'm in the mood. But ONLY if I'm in the mood. I guess that's a good thing, though. The chances of me turning into an alcoholic, EVER, are remarkably slim.

 

Although I see my moods quickly improving, I do still plan on seeing a psychiatrist in the (near?) future. My healing process IS intact, and that brings the regular highs and lows, but I still believe I have internal issues I have to deal with sooner or later. And I've always been a sooner rather than later type of guy. By the way, thanks for the compliment:

 

you seem smart

 

I honestly really do try. Glad to know it's working!

[brock9911]

haha no problem. yeah the whole suicide thing was part of a very grim dark part of my life. the after thought of what i did made my anxiety even worse. the fact i ended up in a hospital. even than i thought of myself as a failure cuz i didnt succeed in the suicide. now its a different story, im much more content with life. and a lot less pessimistic.

 

one of the negatives of my ex relationship. the anxiety and depression of the relationship wasnt healthy. i have mild forms of ocd where ill dwell on a subject. subjects that arent rational at all. than again ocd is all about being irrational. iv seen a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis. i suggest you dont see a psychiatrist until you see a therapist. no need for them to push medication on you if its not neccessary. thats what they do.

 

but as for the smart thing, i think us as a whole on LS are all very smart and use our brains a little too much. we over analyze. we think way too mch, and it hurts us. i have plenty of friends who get out of relationships and it doesnt fase them. they dont seem to care. their minds are all one tracked, to look out for themselves.

 

and for the drinking, i can thank my families long history of alcoholism. i love beer haha

[moo]

I think if you drink to calm your nerves or feel better, the chances of drinking again when you feel bad go up. Hot peach tea is nice and soothing. Hot Sleeptime Tea at bedtime is nice and soothing, but only when I use milk instead of water. My roommate drinks it with water though. With water, peach tea is really awesome. Cold grape juice and mango orange juice are yummy.

 

I had a brief thought about suicide. I thought...if I killed myself, I would really show my ex how much he hurt me...then he would be sorry. But of course, he would maybe, maybe feel bad for a few weeks. He would not blame himself, and then he would be back dating other women while my body would be stuck in the ground being eaten by bugs. F**k him.

 

There was a study done by people who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge in California and lived. Every one of them said that one the way down, they wish they had not jumped.

 

So...time to live!!

[Road To Joy]

haha no problem. yeah the whole suicide thing was part of a very grim dark part of my life. the after thought of what i did made my anxiety even worse. the fact i ended up in a hospital. even than i thought of myself as a failure cuz i didnt succeed in the suicide. now its a different story, im much more content with life. and a lot less pessimistic.

 

one of the negatives of my ex relationship. the anxiety and depression of the relationship wasnt healthy. i have mild forms of ocd where ill dwell on a subject. subjects that arent rational at all. than again ocd is all about being irrational. iv seen a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis. i suggest you dont see a psychiatrist until you see a therapist. no need for them to push medication on you if its not neccessary. thats what they do.

 

but as for the smart thing, i think us as a whole on LS are all very smart and use our brains a little too much. we over analyze. we think way too mch, and it hurts us. i have plenty of friends who get out of relationships and it doesnt fase them. they dont seem to care. their minds are all one tracked, to look out for themselves.

 

and for the drinking, i can thank my families long history of alcoholism. i love beer haha

 

You're not the first person I hear of that attempts suicide and then feels like a failure for not succeeding. I never looked at it that way. I wonder if I'll try it someday. I honestly doubt it, 'cause I'm a pansy but you never know. My ex has always strongly believed that she'll try it at least once in her life. Her Bipolar Disorder is out of hand, I really hope she gets better. It would haunt me forever if I found out she killed herself. I would feel like I shouldn't have ever let her go, despite of what she did or said.

 

I can relate to the depression and anxiety in your relationship. My relationship pretty much consisted of only that. Like you, I would bring up topics a lot. Like her cheating, for example. I would ask her the same questions over and over, I think I was just hoping for a different answer, or that someday the answer wouldn't hurt anymore. Or maybe I was actually just subconsciously torturing myself. It was very unhealthy.

 

Over-analyzing has always been problem of mine. It did grow with the relationship's problems, but I don't think it was all the relationship's fault. Anxiety runs in my family pretty bad, along with slight depression, so I know there's a chance that is just genetics haunting me. I hope I get out of this rut forever, though.

 

I think if you drink to calm your nerves or feel better, the chances of drinking again when you feel bad go up. Hot peach tea is nice and soothing. Hot Sleeptime Tea at bedtime is nice and soothing, but only when I use milk instead of water. My roommate drinks it with water though. With water, peach tea is really awesome. Cold grape juice and mango orange juice are yummy.

 

I had a brief thought about suicide. I thought...if I killed myself, I would really show my ex how much he hurt me...then he would be sorry. But of course, he would maybe, maybe feel bad for a few weeks. He would not blame himself, and then he would be back dating other women while my body would be stuck in the ground being eaten by bugs. F**k him.

 

There was a study done by people who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge in California and lived. Every one of them said that one the way down, they wish they had not jumped.

 

So...time to live!!

 

Haha, I love your love for tea! Weird, after the breakup I've become very fond of water lol. Not as exciting as your or brock's, but it works for me!

 

he would be back dating other women while my body would be stuck in the ground being eaten by bugs.

Great way of putting it! Just like I read somewhere here on LS, the best vengeance is a life well lived. It's probably one of my favorite quotes now.

 

And I never heard of that study, but it's interesting and I'm most likely going to google it as soon as I post this reply. It's intriguing, if you think about it... what do people think once they jump, take the pills, etc? I'm sure it's more than just, "I shouldn't have done this." Do they think about their families, their future? Hmm...