I have always done all the work in relationships, and now i am doing it again!!!

[enchanted771]

Very bad situation. In all my past relationships, i have done most of the initiating of phone calls, get together, etc. One was a LDR and eventually after alot of hard work (on my end) it worked out. I left the marriage due to other reasons. Relationship before that, i got sick of his baggage from his ex-wife (saying he would never marry me, and never said I love you) so i broke it off. Of course, one week later, he came running back but it was too late.

 

Anyways, my current situation...I really like this guy so i want to do the right thing to make it work.

 

Been dating for 5 months, 2 of those have been exclusive. I am 8 years older than him, but that is besides the point.It seems that i am the one doing most of the initiating dates. He does initiate texts/phone calls though but i am starting to really feel frustrated. When i last saw him he told me how he felt about me. All these things he likes about me, and how he wants me to be a part of his life.

 

I am just starting to feel that i am doing too much work and he is not doing equal. I know i shouldnt ask to get together and let him do it (which he would if i would wait it out) i just know he would ask if push comes to shove because its as if he is waiting for me to do it! the only thing is, we agreed to see each other more often, and if i wait for him it would be too long. So you see my dilemma? i can either wait, and if he takes too long have a discussion about my needs, or just ak myself and not have to wait.

 

I just dont want the same trend in my past relationships. I know he likes me by his actions, but i dont understand why he is waiting for me to ask him. He knows i am more than interested.

 

Any ideas????

[Trialbyfire]

He does it because he can do it, knowing you will become impatient and initiate.

 

Also, when he initiates, do you second-guess him?

 

Something tells me that this is part of what he sees in you, as an older woman, that you're unafraid to take the initiative.

 

So, how do the two of you fix this maternalistic dynamic and if you do, how will this affect the attraction element to your relationship?

 

Btw, I could easily be way off with my comments so it's up to you to agree or dismiss them, since I don't know you or your relationship in real life.

[enchanted771]

I never second guess him when he initiates. And i believe everything that he has said to me to be the truth. Just wondering, am i wrong in initiating or not. I dont want to look pathetic, but i am not sure what backing off now, 5 months later, would do.

[You'reasian]

I never second guess him when he initiates. And i believe everything that he has said to me to be the truth. Just wondering, am i wrong in initiating or not. I dont want to look pathetic, but i am not sure what backing off now, 5 months later, would do.

 

How many people are both of you involved with?

[enchanted771]

Just each other.

[eric82]

I know you're wanting to avoid coming across as needy or pulling all the weight in the relationship, but really I think you're just worrying about nothing, over-thinking and complicating things.

 

I know where you're coming from because I too have been on both extremes in past relationships: contacting too much and hanging back too much. The way I see it now, there's no reason to think out a strategy of how much or how little you should contact the other person to not create problems and know their true level of interest in you, because unless your partner expresses discontent with what's already happening, it's not an issue that you should not be wasting thoughts on and if they're glad to be talking to you, take it at face value.

 

If they say call more, call more. If they say call less or seem irritated by your calls, call less and find other things to do so when you talk again, you haven't just been sitting around waiting to hear from them. That's where the non-neediness comes in, not in becoming so aloof that you plant doubts in their perception of your interest level and in turn push them away. When you go from contacting them all the time to always waiting for them to contact you, you just create unnecessary misunderstandings and the kind of drama in the relationship that you're trying to avoid.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, so 5 months into the relationship, you'd like to change the dynamics. Since he's accustomed to one way, instead of making immediate change, wouldn't it make sense to discuss this with him and see what he has to say about it? You're currently unhappy with the status quo so what have you got to lose to sit down in a non-angry or confrontational way and explain to him what would make you happy? Don't forget to listen. Relationship dynamics can't change partway without buy in from both of you. Good luck!

[neowulf]

You sound like quite a strong personality.

 

The interesting thing I've noticed is that a person with a strong personality usually ends up attracting a more passive partner (subconscious balancing people seem to do with one another).

 

If you want him to make more of an effort, then stop making an effort yourself and let him lead for a while.

 

Don't make phone calls, don't organise dates. Hand the control over to him and see what he does with it.

 

If he does nothing, then you may want to reconsider the kind of partner you're really looking for.

[enchanted771]

I know you're wanting to avoid coming across as needy or pulling all the weight in the relationship, but really I think you're just worrying about nothing, over-thinking and complicating things.

 

I know where you're coming from because I too have been on both extremes in past relationships: contacting too much and hanging back too much. The way I see it now, there's no reason to think out a strategy of how much or how little you should contact the other person to not create problems and know their true level of interest in you, because unless your partner expresses discontent with what's already happening, it's not an issue that you should not be wasting thoughts on and if they're glad to be talking to you, take it at face value.

 

If they say call more, call more. If they say call less or seem irritated by your calls, call less and find other things to do so when you talk again, you haven't just been sitting around waiting to hear from them. That's where the non-neediness comes in, not in becoming so aloof that you plant doubts in their perception of your interest level and in turn push them away. When you go from contacting them all the time to always waiting for them to contact you, you just create unnecessary misunderstandings and the kind of drama in the relationship that you're trying to avoid.

 

I cant give exact words on here, but when we were together, he really opened up to me. I asked him not too long ago if i call too much and he said no, that he really likes it when i call/text.

[enchanted771]

You sound like quite a strong personality.

 

The interesting thing I've noticed is that a person with a strong personality usually ends up attracting a more passive partner (subconscious balancing people seem to do with one another).

 

If you want him to make more of an effort, then stop making an effort yourself and let him lead for a while.

 

Don't make phone calls, don't organise dates. Hand the control over to him and see what he does with it.

 

If he does nothing, then you may want to reconsider the kind of partner you're really looking for.

 

Ahhhh i dont think he would do nothing, as i did that before when i went away and he did initiate a date. It just took longer, than i was willing to wait but i wanted to see what he would do.

 

Also, i am curious, why does a person with a strong personality attract such a person? Only once in my life did i date someone with a strong personality, and boy it was a constant locking of horns!

[enchanted771]

Okay, so 5 months into the relationship, you'd like to change the dynamics. Since he's accustomed to one way, instead of making immediate change, wouldn't it make sense to discuss this with him and see what he has to say about it? You're currently unhappy with the status quo so what have you got to lose to sit down in a non-angry or confrontational way and explain to him what would make you happy? Don't forget to listen. Relationship dynamics can't change partway without buy in from both of you. Good luck!

 

Yes, thats what my intention is really. I plan on saying it in an assertive but non-aggressive way, when we see each other next. Just to let him know that he is planning the next date. Hopefully, he wont keep me waiting too long! because if he does, that would lead to another talk! he is pretty laid back and not shy but more reserved. You should have seen the sad look on his face when i got mad at him for the first time!!!! i felt so bad though.