Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Been married 13 years this August and don't know if I can continue or even want to work on it. My dilema is to stay or go because I keep hearing from others that divorce is sometimes worse than a bad marriage. My husband "loves me", makes a decent living and is a wonderful father to our 6 year old son. The issue is that his personality against mine is like that of a human parmesan cheese grater. He has a bit of anxiety problem that he won't get help for and grates on me to the point that I physically recoil. I've been open with him about my feelings for years, but just don't seem to get heard and it's now reaching a head. He hates the idea of divorce because he likes what he has in me as a wife from an assett standpoint (good job, charming, attractive), but am not sure he would even notice if my soul got sucked out and replaced with anothers. I am emotionally and physicially starved, but can't stand to be in the same room any more. Yet, I keep hearing how awful it is being a single mom and also worry about the impact on our son. Has anyone else gone thru this and have gotten back to a good place? We're in MC and are being steered towards seperation. I would love to meet the right person for me at some point, but at 41 am not getting any younger.
RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I'm no expert, and I'm in a similar situation so really I shouldn't even be replying, but... I don't think being a single mom is the same as being a divorced mom. He will still be a part of your son's life, right? Ugh! I know the cheese grater feeling all too well!
Trialbyfire Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 IMO, a marriage isn't worth saving, when one or both parties have checked out and don't have 100% commitment to check back in. I read your other thread. You've already emotionally checked out, looking for external validation while holding your spouse hostage due to insecurity, since he makes life easier for you. Next step is to remove your physical self from the marriage.
LisaUk Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 If you are in MC and being "steered" towards anything, let alone seperation, you have the wrong counsellor. No counsellor should ethically direct you in any dircetion. I speak form professional knowledge, I have a BSc (Hons) Psychology and a qualification in counselling and experience in counselling. Change your counsellor, if you want advice on choosing an approriate MC see the divorce busting website.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Yes, I would actively want him on our son's life, but am concerned about custody as he has been threatening to move away if we divorce. To answer the MC question, the counselor brought up the idea of seperatation and something clicked for me at least that this is probably the right thing to do. Why does this feel so terrifying? I am terrified of making the wrong decision - maybe everyone just feels like a cheese grater after 13 years?
quankanne Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I am emotionally and physically starved, but can't stand to be in the same room any more. Yet, I keep hearing how awful it is being a single mom and also worry about the impact on our son. most everyone here knows I'm a big cheerleader for marriage, but ... deep down, I think a person knows when it's quitting time. Yes, it'll be hard starting over, but look at it in terms of being able to provide your child with a mentally healthy, happy mom rather than one unhappily trapped in a situation she doesn't want to be in. That is NOT what is asked of you as a parent. keep getting the counseling you need as you assess the situation further, but be prepared to make changes whether you stay in the marriage or divorce this man.
mockeryjones Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 don't forget to add the bit about the office affair for which you have been seeking approval in other sections of this site. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196180/
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Hotchocolate, if his anxiety is putting a strain on your marriage a cognitive behavioral therapist can help him with some techniques, but he's got to be willing to do the work. If you have told him that the strain of his anxiety is putting a great deal of pressure on the relationship and he says he won't see a therapist, what else can you do? He has to "man up" and put effort into saving the marriage. It takes two people to create the marriage. So it takes two people to save the marriage.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 don't forget to add the bit about the office affair for which you have been seeking approval in other sections of this site. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196180/ Mockeryjones - how dare you say I am soliciting approval about my obviously conflicted feelings for someone I work with? I have never hid my confusion, vulnerability or conflicy and am trying like most on this site to get some perspective. Why else do you think I would be here? It's great you have life figured out for yourself, but it might be more helpful for you to stop smelling your own farts if you really want to productivly help others.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Its been something we've been working on for a few years now -- even the MC suggested it -- but he is resistant. It would probably take the situation from unbearable to tolerable, but there is so much resentment now that it's hard to imagine breaking down all that's built up.
delajoonal Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 omg! another 13 year marriage...didn't mean to start that way..sorry, but i posted a thread about how for some reason, there are TONS of people going thru separation and/or divorce this year and it is their 13th year in marriage or being together.... this is just getting too weird... anyway, your H needs medical attention...with some anti anxiety meds, your marriage can be on an entire different road...it is pretty simple..BUT your H has to do it.. i can imagine your frustration:( maybe someone here has a similar issue or one of the vets can give some good advice... take care and again, i am sorry you are going thru such a difficult period.
Gunny376 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 When your just emotionally void! There's no love, no hatered, ~ nothing! When you can walk down the street and see them with another and truly be happy for them! That's is to say ~ when you've obtained in-difference? I can truly say I could see the X on the street with DHX3 and even go have a beer or drink with hin in-difference? (But truthly inside? "Thanks Bro! For taking that bitch off of my hands! I truly pity your @zz though! I didn't know what I was going to do with her!)
eekabug Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 If you would have said you have been married eleven years I would have thought youwere my wife. I hope it sinks to your hubby to take some meds to try to save the marriage. If you saw him trythat maybe it would open you up more. Think about your son as well. Both parents in the home mostly happy would be best. IMO But I am in no position to give advice since I amin a similar situation. Good Luck
soda Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 don't forget to add the bit about the office affair for which you have been seeking approval in other sections of this site. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t196180/ Well-stated. I saw this one too. In fact, it's funny to the lengths that this woman is going to rationalize her behavior. It's funny, but it's not. She should tell her husband so he can find someone who isn't willing to cheat on him.
konasexone Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Sounds like he needs help. I'm betting he's sick and once he gets treated he'll be fun again. Remember , you guys were in love once and love is forever. Feelings, bad incidents and words stop us from loving from time to time out of fear of being hurt. He has hurt you maybe not realizing it because he is so caught up in his anxiety. You have to stick it out and get him help. You took vows remember, for better or for worse. Don't make a mockery of your union. It will take time and patience to get him there. When you do, and you will, the rewards will be worth it. You will have to fall in love with him again and he with you. If your therapist isn't steering you where you'd like to go , get another one. Marriages are work. Many folks go through what you've described. Sticking it out takes guts, its tough, it hurts, but heck that's true love for you. Show him this e-mail and tell him I'm in his shoes right now. I'm getting treatment and my wife is thinking like you. I can change and will change but it takes time. I always loved her even though it didn't show. I was sick. It took years for me to get help because I was proud and taught I could lick it myself. I couldn't. I can't take back the past but I can shape the future. She says she doesn't love me anymore. I don't buy it because her actions often betray her. She's just afraid like you. Can't blame her. If she leaves I'll wait for her at the gates of heaven. I've told her that. Your guy probably will too. Assure him that he will be much happier once treated and that loads of men have had the exact same problems. Doctors see it all the time. Its ok. You can fix this and get through this. Your son is depending on both of you to keep your stuff together.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 Konasexone, your post made my cry. Do you mind if I ask what you're struggling with? How long have you been together.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Suggest that he does CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) to help with his anxiety. Many people, myself included, have seen a CBT therapist and can deal with anxiety much better. If he can do that, it will help his way of thinking, dealing with life in general, and his thought process will be more positive and healthy. Maybe talk therapy is enough or maybe he'll have to go meds for a little while, either way, HIS life is going to get smaller and smaller if he doesn't deal with his anxiety isssues. And with that, it will make your marriage worse.. Even offer to go with him, set up appointments and also, read up on anxiety and what it does to people.. He isnt the man you married because of his disorder..
Poepad Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Its been something we've been working on for a few years now -- even the MC suggested it -- but he is resistant. It would probably take the situation from unbearable to tolerable, but there is so much resentment now that it's hard to imagine breaking down all that's built up. Some times guys need hit with a 2x4, take the kid and go vist mom for a week. Act like you are moving out. I did not wake up till she left.
konasexone Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I have a chemical deficiency. When certain neurotransmitters go low, I have very poor control on my emotions (everything gets overblown) , anxiety is severe, anger hard to control. If I internalize the anger I get depressed. Now, if I take my meds, I'm a whole different person. I'm relaxed, I'm in control , nothing bothers me for longer than it would anybody else. I inherited this genetic condition from my mom. Two of my aunts had it and so did my grandmother. It is utter hell and explaining its effects to a spouse is near impossible. I can't get her to forgive me for my past nagging, fits and what have you. I have stopped flying off the handle, and frankly she has trouble adjusting to the new me. She has had an a-hole for 24 years and now I'm like a different person she doesn't know. Damned if your sick, damned if your not. I've made the marriage an ongoing struggle and now that I'm better she wants out. I will give her all the space she wants and I'm keeping my trap shut. I may have a chance, I'm lucky as hell to have her and I let her know.
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