mark1210 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I'd like some input please....first a little background. I was dating this woman for over 2 months, initially it started out that we saw each other only once a week and then it progressed. Her and I did not have sex during the dating phase, when we became exclusive I was made aware that she had a friend with benefits that she was having sex with during our dating phase (which is fine, I was as well - although its interesting because she stated to me she didn't have sex unless in a committed relationship...) She indicated she needed to tell him that she was in a relationship now, however he wasn't returning her calls and txts..so they met up for lunch and she broke him the news in person. At which point, I was told he became quite pissed about it. Fast forward to Wednesday, I asked her if she has heard from David (her old FWB). She appeared to ignore the question, I asked again and she said, yes he texted her. I asked what about? She said, to pick up some stuff at her house (I've had FWB before, but never left anything at the other persons house). I asked her what the stuff was, and she just said "stuff!". I told her she was being very vague and left it at that. Later that night, I told her that for me, in a relationship there should be no secrets and it bothered me that she was unable or unwilling to tell me what the "stuff" was. I told her that you trust me knowing things no one else knows about your past but yet you can't tell me this. She just said its none of my business and started fixing dinner. She asked me if I could finish up fixing her sprinker system while she fixed dinner. I may have blown up here...but I told her...have David fix it for you when he picks up the rest of his "stuff" and that I'm out. I left and didn't say a word. I haven't heard from her since either. Her and I had plans to meet up with her friends tonight but I'm not sure if I should go or just do my own thing. Her friends have been txting me saying they are looking forward to meeting up, etc. Not sure if I should break them the news or not...they aren't my friends but they are cool. Suggestions? Input? Did I overreact? PS - We've been in a relationship now 3 weeks...never had sex. Thanks!
Nemoralis Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 You've only been in a relationship for three weeks and you expect her to tell you everything already? It really isn't any of your business what he left at her house. If she rally trusted you she'd probably tell you anyway, but trust takes a while to be gained if it's going to mean anything at all. She was in the wrong for lying and saying that she'd only have sex in a committed relationship. You were in the wrong for how you reacted to her (extremely immature!) She doesn't trust you yet, which is understandable considering the amount of time you've been dating. And she'll NEVER trust you if you keep carrying on the way you've been.
Author mark1210 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 If she can tell me stuff that others do not know about her, then I don't see the issue here with her telling me what the "stuff" was. She obviously trusts me enough to tell me things about her others do not know. Any suggestions on what I should tell her friends that keep txting me saying they are looking forward to tonight? I was thinking I'd just ignore them since they are her friends and not mine.
whimsical_memory Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Seriously? Stuff is just ...stuff. Did you expect a complete list of everything that he was going to pick up? Obviously it wasn't important enough to her to try to think of what he had to get. And, I'm not sure that three weeks qualifies as a relationship? *shrug* Why blow off the friends? You said they were cool, so go hang out. And in my opinion (a woman's opinion), yes- you overreacted big time. And if I were her, I wouldn't have been back in touch with you either because it seems a little childish to have gone stomping out in a snit fit because she wouldn't answer you about what the 'stuff' was.
Author mark1210 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 even though they are her friends and i'm sure she will be there? Don't think it would be awkward?
whimsical_memory Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 It'll only be as awkward as you make it Obviously this hasn't bothered her to the point that she's telling her friends to stay away from you (and yes, women do that. Men probably do it too), so why not go and have fun? If she's there..big deal..you've never been physically intimate, and for goodness sake, you were only dating for three weeks!! Shoot fire! Go out and have a great time!!
MissViolet Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I think she liked you enough and wanted a relationship with you to be honest about her FWB. I don't even think she needed to tell you of her past FWB if they are no longer doing anything when you two decided to be exclusive. Also, I don't think she's obliged to tell you what "stuff" is, regardless of her reason. You've going been together for 3 weeks, so everything is new and like someone said, trust takes time. You stammering out of her house is very immature...If my boyfriend of 3 weeks did that to me, I would think that he was immature, too ill-tempered, a bit controlling and possibly too jealous to be in a relationship with. Also about the friends thing...they're her friends. If you show up without patching things up with her first, then it would be totally weird. Just my 2 cents.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 You were asking too much too soon, but her stories werent adding up, and its good you got away from this one. At this point I wouldnt believe she actually cut it off with her FWB anyway. You did good cutting her off. Dont worry about her friends, let her tell them.
GiveAndTake Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Ok, so the OP said they are in this relationship 3 weeks. That is not that they started dating for 3 weeks but that they are exclusive for 3 weeks. So...I think he does have the right to ask questions about a "friend with benefits". We all know how these FWB deals go. They are very easy to fall back on when you're either not getting along with a current bf/gf or just plain lonely. Nobody needs someone "waiting in the wings" for your bf/gf if and when your next falling out occurs. What I think happened here was, she was acting secretive and vague about the FWB and he sensed it and probed for details. I think the "stuff" was irrelevant. I think the OP may have felt she was lying on some level. And if it went down like the OP says, she wasn't completely honest in which case, I understand his reaction.
Teslacoil Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I dunno. On one hand I think it's possible that you might have been a little bit too pushy. She does have a right to privacy and keep things from you, no matter what you think. Even the most committed couples will have their little secrets and things they do by themselves. You should respect the fact that she isn't obligated to tell you absolutely everything. On the other hand, it's fishy. The story she gave you that he's on his way to pick up some "stuff" sounds fake. I think you caught her in a lie. She made up a quick reason for him to come over, "He's picking up some stuff". She wasn't prepared for you to ask her what "Stuff" consisted of. Since there is no "Stuff" for him to come pick up, she has to avoid the issue. Instead of admitting "Okay there's no "stuff" he's coming over to hang out", she's getting indignant saying that the "Stuff" is none of your business. In my opinion the only way that there is actually some "Stuff" for him to come pick up is if they are really personal or embarrassing. Things like dildos or romantic things that he gave her, or crap like that. Otherwise IMO she's seeing him behind your back and lying to you about it. Still, keep in mind you've only been together 3 weeks. Don't shoot yourself in the foot on the relationship by over-reacting.
Author mark1210 Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 I haven't heard from her so I txt'd her asking when it's a good time to call. I think its time to end things and I wanted to give her a heads up. Thanks for all the advice.
Recommended Posts