Am I seeing this clearly?

[rust]

It's a little long but I would appreciate you helping out with my first post.

 

I have always believed that I can realize when I am being selfish or unreasonable. A recent argument with my wife is really beginning to frustrate me though.

 

My wife and I will be married for 14 years this fall.

 

I am the head of a company that employs 250 people, I wear every hat imaginable, IT, human resources, accounting, etc.

 

My wife is a stay-at-home mom with four children aged 3 to 10.

 

On Monday I had to fire someone that had worked for me for eight years. We had become friends and it was a tough fire for me. Probably the hardest I have faced.

 

I came home just minutes after firing this guy. My wife was finishing supper and the kids were out of the room playing downstairs.

 

From the minute I walked into the house, my wife started in on how bad of a day she had, how the kids were being little devils, etc. I just rolled with it and it just continued. She did ask how things went (after about 10 to 15 minutes) and I just said as fine as to be expected.

 

We had some errands to run that night and while we were at a store she was being short with the kids and my frustration just built up and came out.

 

I told her that I had one of the worst days and all I have heard since walking in the door was how bad of a day she had.

 

We didn't really speak much more the rest of the evening. That night at bedtime we tried to talk about it but she kept saying that she was allowed to have a bad day too.

 

She said something like I didn't realize how hard it was to be home all day with the kids.

 

It kind of sat like that for another day (Wed) and then we went out together where we more or less went back to normal without much being said.

 

Now today (Friday) we were goofing around and my son was grounded from one of his favorite toys. I asked what he did and she said I can't tell you because you don't want me complaining about the kids...

 

That really made me mad. I told her thanks for making fun of the whole situation and she really didn't get at all why I was upset and that she had never apologized.

 

I want someone else's opinion on this. I will be first to admit I have been a little stressed by work, the summer workload is tough and a lot of small problems surface this time of the year that need to be fixed.

 

My wife and I were both friends with the guy that lost his job. We had discussed the whole termination thing and how it would affect him, how it would affect me but the last thing I needed when I got home that night was that.

 

Am I off base here?

 

Thanks

[GorillaTheater]

First, let me state that I think I identify with you. I'm pretty far up the food chain in an organization that employs some 14,000 people, and essentially make a living solving other peoples' problems. My wife is a SAHM (7 kids at home ranging in ages from 3 to 18).

 

This week has been pretty stressful for me, since my office is in the middle of a major reorganization, and when I tried to explain to my wife how I was feeling about it, citing specific examples, I couldn't help but feel that she trying to find yet MORE things for me to get stressed out about. Not exactly analogous to your situation, I know, but still.

 

It of course turned into a fight, but when all was said and done (read: communication), we both said, and believed, that we would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt the other. The communication aspect is key; the ability to sit down with each other and calmly express how you feel and listen, really listen, to what the other is saying.

 

One thing may help a bit. The last thing I wanted, immediately on walking through the door, was to be hit with a litany of problems and issues. I just wanted to decompress a little. I kept silent about it too long, of course, but eventually we talked about it and my wife agrees not to hit me with the hassles de jure until I've been home for an hour or so.

 

Also, your wife may feel that you don't take her problems seriously. I'm sure you do, but you need to be clear with her that you do understand, and cite specifically what she deals with that you would have trouble with. For example, the times I have to deal with the four kids aged 8 and under, I'm ready to duct tape them to the ceiling fans after a few others. I admire (and envy) her patience, and I tell her so.

 

Bottom line is calm but thorough communication. If one or both of you have difficulty with that (and this would be no great surprise; it can be very difficult), then I'd suggest marriage counseling. There's no shame in seeking help.

[GorillaTheater]

I am the head of a company that employs 250 people, I wear every hat imaginable, IT, human resources, accounting, etc.

 

Off topic, but for God's sake delegate.

[whichwayisup]

From the minute I walked into the house, my wife started in on how bad of a day she had, how the kids were being little devils, etc. I just rolled with it and it just continued. She did ask how things went (after about 10 to 15 minutes) and I just said as fine as to be expected.

 

When she asked how things went, why didn't you just tell her you had a bad day? Instead of holding it in, and allowing resentment to build up? Sorry to say this, but to me, it seems abit passive.

 

Sure it was probably irritating to have her go on and on and not ask about your day first before opening the flood gates of her day - But she did ask.

 

It seems you two have problems really listening to one another and communicating as well.

 

Make time for one another. Get a sitter and go out on a date night, reconnect again. Life is too short to let this get out of hand. Talk about things before resentment builds up and an explosion happens.

[Teslacoil]

Honesty and communication are best.

 

When your wife started talking about the kids and how she had a rough day, I would have interrupted her and simply said:

 

"Honey, I had a really tough day today too. Can we both talk about our days later? I need some time to unwind and relax".

 

It lets you know that you're not in the mood to hear about MORE negativity, and that in spite of the bad day YOU had you still care about her hard times too.

[soserious1]

I learned during my marriage that when my house husband asked how my day at work had been that only one answer was allowed and "Fine" was that answer.

[Jax Star]

Honesty and communication are best.

 

When your wife started talking about the kids and how she had a rough day, I would have interrupted her and simply said:

 

"Honey, I had a really tough day today too. Can we both talk about our days later? I need some time to unwind and relax".

 

It lets you know that you're not in the mood to hear about MORE negativity, and that in spite of the bad day YOU had you still care about her hard times too.

 

I totally agree! Great advice!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I learned during my marriage that when my house husband asked how my day at work had been that only one answer was allowed and "Fine" was that answer.

 

 

Sounds way too familiar..... I hate to be nasty, but that is often the case. I don't want to trivialize SAH's, but many of the issues are just that, every day life, some good, some bad, most exaggerated...... Work unfortunately brings stresses and issues that can affect your income, your job security, a clients trust in you, partners trust.....

 

I have my own business and outside some colleagues in the industry, I am pretty much on my own and have to wear all the hats, worry about finances and doing my job for the clients, which often means relying on my suppliers to do their job (less and less well of late). Spouse hates to hear about it, but there is few to talk to about it....

 

Short of a child being in an accident, in a situation where one can happen, or a life event, home life you need to only roll with the punches....

 

Thanks for the thread and letting me vent too.....

[soserious1]

Sounds way too familiar..... I hate to be nasty, but that is often the case. I don't want to trivialize SAH's, but many of the issues are just that, every day life, some good, some bad, most exaggerated...... Work unfortunately brings stresses and issues that can affect your income, your job security, a clients trust in you, partners trust.....

 

I have my own business and outside some colleagues in the industry, I am pretty much on my own and have to wear all the hats, worry about finances and doing my job for the clients, which often means relying on my suppliers to do their job (less and less well of late). Spouse hates to hear about it, but there is few to talk to about it....

 

Short of a child being in an accident, in a situation where one can happen, or a life event, home life you need to only roll with the punches....

 

Thanks for the thread and letting me vent too.....

 

LOL,I learned the following equation really quickly

 

Stay at home husband's problems, worries and concerns= very important,rapt attention must be paid to every utterance emitting from the poor dear's mouth, lest I miss even one single problem,issue, need or want, after all, problems, needs, wants are my responsibility to fix cause everything is MY fault.

 

my problems and concerns=very unimportant, I should be ashamed of myself for even mentioning any of them, after all it's my job to provide, just suck it up and shut up, nobody wants to hear you, just hand over the paycheck and find ways to make yourself scarce.

 

I learned that if I needed to talk about anything that was worrisome or troubling to me, that my husband was the wrong person

to bother. Life went a lot smoother if I just pasted a smile on my face and answered "fine" when he asked how my day had been.

Oh and "fine" was really the only acceptable answer, once he asked me and I replied with "Why do you ask? you don't really want

to know" and he had a veritable shiat fit.

[Athena]

It seems like you didn't make it clear how much it really bothered you. But then you got disappointed and annoyed with her for not realizing how much it did affect you because of his being a friend etc, but honestly, since you 'rolled with it' thus giving her no indication (if anything you covered it up) of how tough it really was for you -- how can you then be pissed at her for not reading your mind?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I could never be a SAHM. I work, and love it. I hear alot of posters saying to let him unwind after work. Hello,,,, the kids don't disappear, and SAHM has probably reached her breaking point by then and expects the dad to take over once his work day is "done". I think alot of SAHM's think that spending time with the kids is a nice break from the stressful day at the office

 

I like WWIU's suggestion. Hire a babysitter, and go out for dinner, just to unwind together, away from the demanding children and household. If this is not possible, you both have to pitch in from dinner til bedtime, and then you need to talk, about your day, good or bad.

 

Would it help to make a rule not to ask how each other's day was and put it on hold until alone time later in the evening?

 

Another suggestion, feed the kids something simple, then give the kids "alone" time, either with a sitter or with little supervision if they're old enough to play by themselves, and cook a nice dinner for two together to enjoy after the kids are in bed. I know of a couple who did this every night of the week and so far so good.

[ufo8mycat]

Sounds way too familiar..... I hate to be nasty, but that is often the case. I don't want to trivialize SAH's, but many of the issues are just that, every day life, some good, some bad, most exaggerated...... Work unfortunately brings stresses and issues that can affect your income, your job security, a clients trust in you, partners trust.....

 

<snip>

 

Short of a child being in an accident, in a situation where one can happen, or a life event, home life you need to only roll with the punches....

 

 

What you have here is an unresolveable competition. One partner thinks the other has it easier and a game of one-upmanship of who had the worst day ensures. By the sounds of your situation it is imflammed by your perception of how "hard" something must be for someone else.

 

This gets you nowhere. Unless the place you want to be is both partners feeling unappreciated and unheard.

 

Trivialing and dismissing your wife's struggles results in closing of communication. I wouldn't want to talk to someone who is arrogant enough to think that my problems are not problems by their standards.

 

There are plenty of trivial stressors in the workplace too. I agree with the advice to the OP - Delegate.

 

You might both need to debrief together. My husband and I discuss who will go first and the other gives their full attention (this means not feeling aggreived, pout, not say anything and proceed to feel hard done by). Otherwise you get into a situation where you are talking at each other rather than to each other. In which case its not surprising that no one is feeling heard or understood.

[angie2443]

I don't want to trivialize SAH's, but ....

 

You just did:sick:.

[angie2443]

What you have here is an unresolveable competition. One partner thinks the other has it easier and a game of one-upmanship of who had the worst day ensures. By the sounds of your situation it is imflammed by your perception of how "hard" something must be for someone else.

 

This gets you nowhere. Unless the place you want to be is both partners feeling unappreciated and unheard.

 

Trivialing and dismissing your wife's struggles results in closing of communication. I wouldn't want to talk to someone who is arrogant enough to think that my problems are not problems by their standards.

 

There are plenty of trivial stressors in the workplace too. I agree with the advice to the OP - Delegate.

 

You might both need to debrief together. My husband and I discuss who will go first and the other gives their full attention (this means not feeling aggreived, pout, not say anything and proceed to feel hard done by). Otherwise you get into a situation where you are talking at each other rather than to each other. In which case its not surprising that no one is feeling heard or understood.

 

I think this post is right on the money. Each person needs to be appreciated or else the relationship will be an unhappy one.

[angie2443]

I could never be a SAHM. I work, and love it. I hear alot of posters saying to let him unwind after work. Hello,,,, the kids don't disappear, and SAHM has probably reached her breaking point by then and expects the dad to take over once his work day is "done". I think alot of SAHM's think that spending time with the kids is a nice break from the stressful day at the office

.

 

Thankyou! You'd be supprised at the amount of people who think that SAHM's have it easy and never need a break.

[1Angel]

Honesty and communication are best.

 

When your wife started talking about the kids and how she had a rough day, I would have interrupted her and simply said:

 

"Honey, I had a really tough day today too. Can we both talk about our days later? I need some time to unwind and relax".

 

It lets you know that you're not in the mood to hear about MORE negativity, and that in spite of the bad day YOU had you still care about her hard times too.

 

 

OMG this is wonderful. How come everyone can't be like this?! to be understood while acknowleging the other partner's feelings is so simple yet genius.

[2sure]

First off, the person with the most difficult and stressful job, no matter how much she probably wouldnt trade it....is GorillaTheaters wife. Period. And probably not because she has like, 2 dozen kids.

 

My H is in a political field . I cant imagine a more frustrating job. Sometimes our jobs intertwine, the subject dominates our lives regardless. My job is only as busy/stressful as I let it be. His job has him working day and night, not often home.

 

When he and only child have been home for any length of time together...and I come home from work....sometimes I turn around and get back in my car.

[GorillaTheater]

First off, the person with the most difficult and stressful job, no matter how much she probably wouldnt trade it....is GorillaTheaters wife. Period. And probably not because she has like, 2 dozen kids.

 

No, no doubt about that at all. I'm surprised she didn't "kick my azz to the kerb" years ago...

[jamjag]

In marriage one of the most important things is communication.

 

You had a bad day and so had she. I think she would have felt good or "heard' if you had really engaged her in conversation about her day (meaning actively listened, responded and replied).

 

Then in turn it should have been your turn. When she actively listened to your days events, empathized and replied. Then you both should have let it what is done be done and enjoyed each other, your children and your life together.

 

It is not good to not "acknowledge" these type of situations. They only fester and blow up. Go back to her - acknowledge the importance and your sincere care about her day and that you could have done a better job listening. They let her know how her response made you feel and strive to do better.

[mavislwf]

First, I want to commend you for coming on here and asking about this. Sadly, a lot of married men in your shoes have no clue about what SAHM's go thru and it seems you have somewhat of an understanding.

 

She was still feeling resentful about the situation regarding her comment when you went to run errands. You both need to put things out on the table and TALK with NO KIDS around. I wish so bad my husband would get it b/c he truly doesn't. Your job is probably not as redundant as hers is (OK ladies, I am a SAHM too but admit it, it can get to that point). Couples need to hear from the other spouse what a good job they are doing......like you said not nagging and complaining the first thing when the other comes home. That said, make a pact to say 3 positive things about each other/your day when you come home. Soon the negative will become something you talk about after you have decompressed.......

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You just did:sick:.

 

If I did I apologize.... I am lucky as I now work at home so I do see what happens during the day.... And yes of late I am jaded. There is much involved for a SAH, but I do stand by my comments.

 

And no when I did work out or at home, do I expect the house to be spotless, dinner done, the spouse have a drink ready for me when I come home and a goddess in all respects. I expect to do 50%.

 

But I do stand by that unless a major event occurred during the day, stresses with work, particularly in a white collar environment, and a difficult hierarchy is more difficult....

[Gamine]

Sometimes it helps to just laugh at the absurdity. Walking in and she... in the very same boat as you. If you were newlyweds you'd probably be on the floor laughing your heads off at the crappy day you both had, break open a bottle of champagne and see if you could 'top' each other's stories.

 

Keeping a sense of humor about one's life can be one of the simplest ways of remaining happy. There is always going to be crap. Find a way to become playmates again.

[Sam Spade]

Sounds way too familiar..... I hate to be nasty, but that is often the case. I don't want to trivialize SAH's, but many of the issues are just that, every day life, some good, some bad, most exaggerated...... Work unfortunately brings stresses and issues that can affect your income, your job security, a clients trust in you, partners trust.....

 

I have my own business and outside some colleagues in the industry, I am pretty much on my own and have to wear all the hats, worry about finances and doing my job for the clients, which often means relying on my suppliers to do their job (less and less well of late). Spouse hates to hear about it, but there is few to talk to about it....

 

Short of a child being in an accident, in a situation where one can happen, or a life event, home life you need to only roll with the punches....

 

Thanks for the thread and letting me vent too.....

 

 

I'm sorry, but this is so true. No matter how stressful and exausting the work of a SAHM is, it *is* still trivial and enclosed in the safety of the home. There is nothing too much that is at stake. Except maybe some stains on the carpet. Big fecking deal.

On the other hand, most workplaces today are incredibly competitive, requiring the last drop of energy and ingeniousness of people to keep their jobs and advance; decisions that affect multiple other people; etc. In some jobs, your future career and prosperity is at stake every effin day. More importantly - this is where the dough to maintain the luxurious lifestyle of having onf of the parents not work come from.

So, some respect is in order. There is a reason why maids and baby sitters are paid so low - this is not rocket science, and many people will gladly do it for minimum wage (and not annoy with tales of how hard it is after they're done).

 

I personally would never encourage my (future) wife to be a SAHM beyond the first few months, up to a year after a kid is born. If she wants to do it afterwards, that would be fine too, but it should include accepting the consequences, such as less spending money and no passive agressive comments about how having a real job is "in a sense" easier. If she sincerely believes that, then she'll have to return to work, and then I'll happily split the housework and hire help as approrpiate.

The whole "sacrificing a career to take care for the kids" stuf genuinely pisses me off. Nobody *has to* sacrifice anythithing, and if that's what you'd rather do, then you are not sacrificing anything, it's your choice.

 

Thankfully, to be fair, there are also many women who understand that being a SAHM is a privilege, rather than doing anybody a favor, so they are appreciative of the opportunity to spend more time with their kidds, and don't turn it into a selfish hardship fest. Yes, it is hard and we will appreciate it, as long as there is no resentment.

[angie2443]

You know, comming to LS often puts me in a bad mood. Today, however, it's making me feel very lucky for what I have. I have my health, a husband who loves me and views me as his equal, and beautiful children. I have nothing to complain about.

 

Please, OP, this competition of who has it worse and who has the more important job will not help any marriage. There is no joy in living like this. Appreciate each other and appreciate what each other does. Value each other and the contributions that each of you make to your marriage.