Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 ere's the deal: we're both reasonably nice, attractive people who have been married to others for a long time (kids, decades, etc) in high powered jobs. We work together and have fantastic chemistry, most importantly as friends and co-workers. In fact I feel like I'm finding a best friend in him. Over the past 9 months, there have been pockets of attraction, but I swept them aside for obvious reasons. One night 2 months ago when drinking with others, he blurted out the question about whether any of us have ever had am "emotional affair". I panicked, thinking it was me, so said "yes, they are normal, you just compartmentalize them and move on because they can turn nasty if you're not careful" to set my boundaries. BUT, here's the weird part, the next day in a completely sober taxi ride, he revisited the discussion with me along. I was supportive and comforting, told him he was only human and that he will get over whatever it is and that his has to realize the consequences of his family (wife doesn't work, 2 kids). I then asked who it was (hoping this wasn't all about me cause I wasn't ready to deal) and blurted out that the woman was this bimbo -- lets call her Bambi-- who looks like an ex stripper that's been ridden hard and hung up wet. SHe is also nasty. I was disgusted, relieved, but largely disappointed in his taste in women, and that it wasn't me I guess. Anyway, he told me a yarn about how Bambi has been hungering for something physical, just separated from her husband, yada, yada and has been begging to take their relationship physicial. I think he was also full of bull -- I believe he's been schtupping her, but didn't want to provide full disclosure to me. QUESTION: Why would a guy, who seems to adore me (and I thought had a little crush on me) confess stuff like this? I am befuddled. To add to the mixed signals, since then he's been insisting on my attendance all over the country, takes me out to dinner andfor no apparent reason (he makes up a business reasons, but I'm not stupid although I play along). I love his company and being with him. I think he tries to wine and dine me to get me drunk and have ME hit on him, but I will not do that because I have always been taught that if a man really loves you, there is not a mountain in the world that will prevent him from getting to you. I do not want to be his collateral cupcake that just boosts his ego. And now that I am pretty sure he's screwing "Bambi", I'm a little grossed out that she and I would be seen in the same competitive set if you will. I have to say though, the chemistry is really building and I worry how I feel is intensifying. I also think (although he told me it's over between he and Bambi) that he is still involved with her on some level and I get an ick factor about the whole thing. I guess I would just like to fall in real love, Note: I am terribly unhappy in my marriage, but have not shared this with the guy. I want to get my own head screwed on straight and not use an affair push a divorce. I need to do that on a seperate path. ANY SUGGESTIONS, COMMENTS? I FEEL LIKE I"M TAKING CRAZY PILLS
bentnotbroken Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 You're married. Tell your H you want out and then you won't have to do affairs. It seems to me, the jerk is looking for anything and anyone who will do it with him. No standards, integrity or values. If she is a bimbette, what do you think of yourself?
Owl Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I would agree with BNB...you need to address the issues or end your marriage BEFORE you consider pursuing any kind of relationship with this other guy. And...he needs to do the same. You're just setting yourself up for more hurt if you try to start it as an affair...and the odds are high that your H will be far, far more devestated by an affair than you would consider likely. Look at your marriage first...fix it or end it first. It's your biggest 'issue' out there right now. THEN worry about whether or not this other guy has a crush on you.
carhill Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 QUESTION: Why would a guy, who seems to adore me (and I thought had a little crush on me) confess stuff like this? I am befuddled. Trial balloon. Good sign of a casual compartmentalizer. You're naturally 'better' than bimbo Bambi, so it serves two purposes: one, it lets you know he's a womanizer and a cheater and he's checking to see if that's OK with you (since you're married too) and, two, he ramps up your emotions (see your own response for clues to this), a sign of a professional and effective pursuer of women. You'll think he's a slug but, still, there will be this underlying desire to set that slug right and show him 'how it is'. My bet is, when you feel healthier about your own situation, you'll find clarity wrt to your co-worker. Good luck
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 His wife is on the top tier, since he clearly isn't going to leave her. Bambi is on the second tier. You are on the third. Not only does he see you as the type of woman who would sleep with a married man, but one who would sleep with a married man who has a (presumably nasty) mistress. On top of that, he isn't even interested enough to make the first move. That's not love, that is him showing you exactly what you are and where you stand. I'd tell this assclown to shove it. I can't imagine letting a man even think that I'd be the sort of woman who would allow myself to be that far down on the ladder.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Thanks -- so I'm clear, what you're saying is that you think he was circuitously feeling me out to see where I stood, so he could assess whether I would be open to a little "somethin somethin", yes? Still don't get why he would confess an "emotional affair" with someone who I wouldn't want to be associated with (it lowers his sexual stock in my mind").
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Thanks for the feedback everyone. My marriage is in bad shape, and I know I have to deal with that first. This little emotional crush thing really snuck up out of no where at a vulnerable time for me, so caught me off kilter. I really like him as a person/friend/colleague and am kind of bummed about the whole bimbo thing, even she is just a booty call. And from what you guys are saying, if this guy feels anything meaningful for me, he would not put me me in these circuitious situations -- he would be honest and open about his feelings, yes?
Owl Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Look at it this way...do you really want to be with this guy who is married...and wanting to cheat with "bimbo-girl"???? It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't feel about you right now...you're not available.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 I know I'm techincally not available...just an incurable romantic who had hoped this was going to be something special, but I get it. Its just damned depressing to be 41, ending my marriage and facing the possiblity that I'll be along for the rest of my life. I had always hoped I would find the love of my life at some point, but never did. (Although I have an awesome son I thank my lucky stars for everyday). Guess I should head on over to the divorce forum:)
Owl Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I know I'm techincally not available...just an incurable romantic who had hoped this was going to be something special, but I get it. Its just damned depressing to be 41, ending my marriage and facing the possiblity that I'll be along for the rest of my life. I had always hoped I would find the love of my life at some point, but never did. (Although I have an awesome son I thank my lucky stars for everyday). Guess I should head on over to the divorce forum:) Midlife crisis aren't any fun...that's for sure. I'm curious...ARE you working to end your marriage? There wasn't any indication in your posts originally that you were doing so...only that you weren't happy in the marriage. What steps are you taking to end it?
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 My husband and I have been in MC for a while and have just had that ephiphany that we should be counseled towards seperation. Steps are embryonic at best right now -- ahve a big financial mess to clean up. I have known for a while that I am not in love, thru therapy and other things the conviction that I cannot be in the relationship has become overwhelming. He is a decent person, but we are not on the same wavelength.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Carhill - what is a "casual compartmentalizer"?
Dexter Morgan Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 QUESTION: Why would a guy, who seems to adore me (and I thought had a little crush on me) confess stuff like this? I am befuddled. sorry....wrong question. Rather than being concerned about the OM's state of mind, maybe your concern and questions should be regarding the future of your marriage. And if you are just this little giddy schoolgirl wanting to know how the OM feels and don't even give 2 squirts of piss enough about your marriage or your husband to not give him a mention in this post, then just get a divorce. Note: I am terribly unhappy in my marriage ya, most people can't handle long term committment and having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives....and those people need not get married *hint* but have not shared this with the guy. I want to get my own head screwed on straight and not use an affair push a divorce. nah, instead you will have an affair because you are too chicken to do right by your husband and set him free first. where do you people come from??
jmargel Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 You are very lucky you came here with this issue. I can tell you from a man's point of view that he is nothing but a player. He's playing the hard to get routine with you. There are different ways of getting what you want and this is the route he is taking. And the reason why he's taking this route is because he's testing the waters with you. He doesn't want to come right out and put himself 'out there' and to be rejected. He's seeing what you will bite on and the quicker you bite the more he'll put out there. He's priming you for sex. He has no morals and you only know what he tells you. And on top of that you can be sure that at least half of what he's told you about his marriage is either a lie or twisted to make himself look good. Actions speak louder than words and what he is doing is enough to show you that he's only in this for his own ego. He doesn't have your interests in mind. You really need to be careful on this type of person because you can't trust them. They can turn on you as fast as they can hit on you. Whatever is missing in your marriage you should try to fix instead of trying to find it elsewhere in this guy. I can guarantee you will be left with a bruised ego, a guilty conscious and a husband that doesn't deserve what is happening to him.
jnj express Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Why is your mge in trouble, is it a tired worn out mge. where both of you feel no more passion, just like millions of other mge.'s., even tho they somehow find a way to stay together. From your posts it sounds like you spend way more time with your AP, then the man you took vows with. If you really truly bottom line don't want to be with your H. anymore, then get your D., and all these little relationship problems will go away, as you will be free. But I have to tell you at your age most of the available guys out there either have baggage, or just are looking for casual sex. Growing old by yourself and being lonely is almost as bad as being cheated on. You better think long and hard about what you are doing.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 I know, that is what scares me. But, not sure if my H and I can be in the same room any more. It is very sad, and we have a wonderful son who we worry about. I have not cheated on my H, just very distracted and trying ti make sense of all the swirling thoughts in my brain.
soda Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Quote" I then asked who it was (hoping this wasn't all about me cause I wasn't ready to deal) and blurted out that the woman was this bimbo -- lets call her Bambi-- who looks like an ex stripper that's been ridden hard and hung up wet. SHe is also nasty. I was disgusted, relieved, but largely disappointed in his taste in women, and that it wasn't me I guess." My guess is that this other woman isn't half as bad as you're describing her here. You sound like you're trying to find any way to rationalize why you and he should be together. Hmm...he's not that into you. Among the THREE women in his life, you come third. You're willing to let that wreck your marriage? Good luck. Let me know how that turns out for you.
Darth Vader Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I know, that is what scares me. But, not sure if my H and I can be in the same room any more. It is very sad, and we have a wonderful son who we worry about. I have not cheated on my H, just very distracted and trying ti make sense of all the swirling thoughts in my brain. It's good that you havn't cheated, but, I'm wondering what's the thing that's lost in your marriage? I mean, you apparently loved him at one time, how is it not so now? Remember, they say that ladies seem to go through a stage of some sort at about age 30 - 40, it could be earlier, or later.
jj33 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Bambi may or may not exist. Hes feeling you out and you are biting. By your own admission you are playing along. If you get involved and if you fall in love with him he will then tell you, that you knew he was never going to leave, he has a W and 2 children, you know you are not the first... This is not a man who moves mountains for anyone. He moves zippers...
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 Ha, moves zippers I think is probably right on. Thanks for the cold bucket of water -- some of the commentary has been incredibly helpful. It's really amazing what you can convince yourself of. It is frightening how easy it could have been for me to talk myself into this thing from a misguided romantic fairy-tale standpoint. It simply does not exist, at least not here.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 hi Darth -- What I fell in love with is so buried under so many issues it's been tough to see my/our way out, especially since he is so consumed with other things. He has not remembered my birthday in 8 years (and I turned 40 last year, grrr). Anyway, he's what's tough is he's not just my husband -- he is my family. My son's father, and I take care of his parents, love his brothers (non sexually of course) and feel like the daughter they never had. Sometimes I think maybe I am just meant to live a sexless, passionatless life, but revel in the love of my son. future grandkids, etc. I guess my looks are kind of fading anyway.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Don't you think you owe it to your child to give your marriage a good shot at working? Letting yourself fall for another man while married IS what is preventing you from feeling something for your husband. Just be completely honest with your husband and tell him everything that you've said here. You haven't had the affair (yet), but maybe this could be a big wake up call to save your marriage. I'm sure if your H knew that you developed feelings for someone else, and was considering an affair, he WOULD react and change his ways, put more effort into the marriage and make things better. Marriage Counselling would also help.
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Sorry, I didn't realize you have done MC.. Either way, don't cheat on your husband. Reguardless of the state of your marriage, he doesn't deserve that, nor does your child.
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