Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Here's the deal: we're both reasonably nice, attractive people who have been married to others for a long time (kids, decades, etc) in high powered jobs. We work together and have fantastic chemistry, most importantly as friends and co-workers. In fact I feel like I'm finding a best friend in him. Over the past 9 months, there have been pockets of attraction, but I swept them aside for obvious reasons. One night 2 months ago when drinking with others, he blurted out the question about whether any of us have ever had am "emotional affair". I panicked, thinking it was me, so said "yes, they are normal, you just compartmentalize them and move on because they can turn nasty if you're not careful" to set my boundaries. BUT, here's the weird part, the next day in a completely sober taxi ride, he revisited the discussion with me along. I was supportive and comforting, told him he was only human and that he will get over whatever it is and that his has to realize the consequences of his family (wife doesn't work, 2 kids). I then asked who it was (hoping this wasn't all about me cause I wasn't ready to deal) and blurted out that the woman was this bimbo -- lets call her Bambi-- who looks like an ex stripper that's been ridden hard and hung up wet. SHe is also nasty. I was disgusted, relieved, but largely disappointed in his taste in women, and that it wasn't me I guess. Anyway, he told me a yarn about how Bambi has been hungering for something physical, just separated from her husband, yada, yada and has been begging to take their relationship physicial. I think he was also full of bull -- I believe he's been schtupping her, but didn't want to provide full disclosure to me. QUESTION: Why would a guy, who seems to adore me (and I thought had a little crush on me) confess stuff like this? I am befuddled. To add to the mixed signals, since then he's been insisting on my attendance all over the country, takes me out to dinner andfor no apparent reason (he makes up a business reasons, but I'm not stupid although I play along). I love his company and being with him. I think he tries to wine and dine me to get me drunk and have ME hit on him, but I will not do that because I have always been taught that if a man really loves you, there is not a mountain in the world that will prevent him from getting to you. I do not want to be his collateral cupcake that just boosts his ego. And now that I am pretty sure he's screwing "Bambi", I'm a little grossed out that she and I would be seen in the same competitive set if you will. I have to say though, the chemistry is really building and I worry how I feel is intensifying. I also think (although he told me it's over between he and Bambi) that he is still involved with her on some level and I get an ick factor about the whole thing. I guess I would just like to fall in real love, Note: I am terribly unhappy in my marriage, but have not shared this with the guy. I want to get my own head screwed on straight and not use an affair push a divorce. I need to do that on a seperate path. ANY SUGGESTIONS, COMMENTS? I FEEL LIKE I"M TAKING CRAZY PILLS
angie2443 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I think Carhill's reply in the infidelity forum is correct. Personally, I would stear clear of this guy. He sounds like trouble.
In_Repair Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 He told you about "Bambi" so that you would know that he is willing to do that sort of thing... you know, in case you were interested in doing the same thing... He's scared to make the first move and wants you to do it.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 His wife is on the top tier, since he clearly isn't going to leave her. Bambi is on the second tier. You are on the third. Not only does he see you as the type of woman who would sleep with a married man, but one who would sleep with a married man who has a (presumably nasty) mistress. On top of that, he isn't even interested enough to make the first move. That's not love, that is him showing you exactly what you are and where you stand. I'd tell this assclown to shove it. I can't imagine letting a man even think that I'd be the sort of woman who would allow myself to be that far down on the ladder.
Gamine Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I'd say you two have a friendship and that you are picking up on his 'sexual energy', so to speak. If he's involved in an affair with Bambi he's probably feeling his oats and is sexually supercharged. I'd probably feel 'let down' but at the same time thankful that I didn't become another notch on his bedpost. It would be a major turnoff and frankly... you should be thanking your lucky stars that you have the opportunity to truly 'see' him before making any mistake by sleeping with him. Knowing myself, I'd probably turn cold to the guy and shut him out big time. I'd say that he was an interesting 'idea' but the reality of him is oh, so different.
Lizzie60 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I would be totally turned off by a guy who is attracted to a 'bimbo'... I know the type you're talking about.. and the guy would be a 'loser' in my opinion if he was attracted to a woman like that.. ewwww
stuckinoz Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Your tag line is WE....want each other......... Where is the WE? You don't mention that he wants you too. You only say that you want him.....IF he wasn't with the bimbo?....Very curious post. Perhaps he is testing the waters by telling you about Bambi......so WTF? You're married - right? He's married - right?
sally4sara Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I think the telling detail here is Bambi doesn't have a man in her life. I've met men who see little wrong with cheating on their wife, but feel it improper to cat around with a woman that "belongs" to another man. Like it is poor conduct and a betrayal to the woman's husband or something without even a hint of irony that their own conduct is improper. And I have noticed a tendency to chose an affair person that they perceive as lesser to their virtuous wife and mother to their children. As though they are the smart choice because they will never be enough in his eyes to lure him away from his responsibilities. I've met women like this too. They will go only the what he doesn't know won't hurt him tip and what they're doing with a single person behind their spouse's back is not as bad because they think they're avoiding the "homewrecker" tag. He does feel close to you; at least enough to talk about his troubles. He may even like a mild flirtation with you because you're "safe". But the chemistry you're feeling could well be something exclusive to you because you're happier around him than your own husband. What you're feeling does not have to be what he feels.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Sally4Sara - interesting post. Actually, his bimbo womman is married, but seperating (no kids, not married long). Regardless, I think your note is dead on about why he may be with her. I have been trying to be very clear about laying my boundaries so I don't send the wrong message to him (despite what I'm feeling), but I have to say he definatley has been leading me down a path where he seems to want me to hit on him, but then wonder if I'm nuts and imagining the whole thing. For instance, he flies me all around the country with him, we go out to dinners that feel more like dates in that the conversation gets personal (but not too sexual). Seems like he wants me to get drunk and "do something silly".
quankanne Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 sounds like this dude is on a fishing expedition and wants you to take bait. Not sure why you'd compromise yourself – and I know how when you're unhappy with your mate, all kinds of alternative scenes play out in your brain, some of them looking pretty attractive – for a hornball like this. Because it sounds like he's more interested in the chase than the the actual relationship, otherwise he'd stick to cheating only with his bimbette ...
stillafool Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 What is it about this woman that makes you call her a bimbo? Did he say she is a bimbo or are those your words? He may like her very much and want someone to talk to about her and chose you. Why do you think she is not on the same level as you? She is a wife and mother too isn't she?
Reggie Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Who knows, These affair dynamics get pretty twisted. In it's simplest terms, he may want to have sex with both of you. Maybe Bambi made the first move and he hopes you will , too. Then, he can have two women. Are you willing to have sex with him, despite being married? If not, what is the issue?
bentnotbroken Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Sally4Sara - interesting post. Actually, his bimbo womman is married, but seperating (no kids, not married long). Regardless, I think your note is dead on about why he may be with her. I have been trying to be very clear about laying my boundaries so I don't send the wrong message to him (despite what I'm feeling), but I have to say he definatley has been leading me down a path where he seems to want me to hit on him, but then wonder if I'm nuts and imagining the whole thing. For instance, he flies me all around the country with him, we go out to dinners that feel more like dates in that the conversation gets personal (but not too sexual). Seems like he wants me to get drunk and "do something silly". He can't lead if you don't follow.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 The bimbo definition is a combination of how she puts herself together (hard, cheap, sexxed out), but more so her behavior towards others -- petty, mean, lack of generosity....and she's not bright (I've had to work with her on occasion, and this seems to be a group consensus beyond me). For example, Dolly Parton looks trashy, but she's anything but a bimbo. On other other hand, Paris Hilton acts like a bimbo.
Author Hotchocolate Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Its really not about sex for me (although would love to), I am just vulnerable and probably just want to fall in love. It's better I move on. Sigh....
Reggie Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 The bimbo definition is a combination of how she puts herself together (hard, cheap, sexxed out), but more so her behavior towards others -- petty, mean, lack of generosity....and she's not bright (I've had to work with her on occasion, and this seems to be a group consensus beyond me). For example, Dolly Parton looks trashy, but she's anything but a bimbo. On other other hand, Paris Hilton acts like a bimbo. Yes, but despite your not liking these qualities, he may. Perhaps she has some features he prefers to yours. Regardless, you must admit it is somewhat ironic that a married woman pursuing an affair is being critical of another person doing the samtething's character. It is amazing how we can deceive ourselves.
bentnotbroken Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Yes, but despite your not liking these qualities, he may. Perhaps she has some features he prefers to yours. Regardless, you must admit it is somewhat ironic that a married woman pursuing an affair is being critical of another person doing the samtething's character. It is amazing how we can deceive ourselves. :lmao::lmao:I too found it funny how she performed a character assassination on this person, yet she is married with the hots for a MM and jealous to boot. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. :lmao:
StarChick Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Its really not about sex for me (although would love to), I am just vulnerable and probably just want to fall in love. It's better I move on. Sigh.... I think you just answered yourself. You'd be smart to move on.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 ok, let me get this straight.....you are married, engaging in an affair......and this other woman is the bimbo??
White Flower Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 His wife is on the top tier, since he clearly isn't going to leave her. Bambi is on the second tier. You are on the third. Not only does he see you as the type of woman who would sleep with a married man, but one who would sleep with a married man who has a (presumably nasty) mistress. On top of that, he isn't even interested enough to make the first move. That's not love, that is him showing you exactly what you are and where you stand. I'd tell this assclown to shove it. I can't imagine letting a man even think that I'd be the sort of woman who would allow myself to be that far down on the ladder. I agree with this post. He wants you to make the first move and later, after you're in love and want answers he can always throw it in your face that you knew what he was about all along. What a prize this guy is. He wants to try you out because you add a touch of class to his usual croud. Every serial cheater wants at least one class act. Don't cave into this.
White Flower Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 :lmao::lmao:I too found it funny how she performed a character assassination on this person, yet she is married with the hots for a MM and jealous to boot. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. :lmao: With all due respect, there are all kinds of OWs, including elegant, classy ones. You can call it what you like, but having an affair does not change basic personality traits.
bentnotbroken Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 With all due respect, there are all kinds of OWs, including elegant, classy ones. You can call it what you like, but having an affair does not change basic personality traits. No sweetie, I meant the inside. She is calling this woman something that she herself is displaying on the inside. Nothing classy about it. She is not using class to deal with her marriage or the things that aren't right. You know more of my story than others, you know I know the difference.
fooled once Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 :lmao::lmao:I too found it funny how she performed a character assassination on this person, yet she is married with the hots for a MM and jealous to boot. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. :lmao: I 100% agree (and yes, like bent, the INSIDE dynamics). I also find it kinda sad that the OP is jealous she wasn't chosen for the Affair and I can clearly see she may infact make a move on this guy. Seems like she is in more of a competition with the other woman (and I won't refer to her as a bimbo) than the wife.
SidLyon Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 You say you want to fall in love. Well if you engage in an A with this guy then you probably will and you'll be in for extreme emotional pain as well as being complicit in inflicting pain on his wife. Just read the heartbreaking and tragic posts on this and the Infidelity forum from women who are either OW or BWs. Knowing my H as I do now, I know that some men who don't want to leave their marriages try to seek out women who they believe might be amenable to conducting a long term A without the pressure on him to leave. There are many subtle and not so subtle ways they can do this. One is to focus on women who are unavailable - ie married women such as yourself. Another is to normalise you or "groom" you to the idea that he is married and that his W and family come first. Another is to make it clear that he has done this successfully before - ie it can work long term. And yes he may be wanting to guide you into making the first move. All of this is aimed at getting the situation he wants which is a wife and family as his primary life and sex on the side. This can go on long term for many men because of their ability to compartmentalise and because the OW allows it. Many men do not really understand when the OW wants more. They may even move onto another OW not realising that most women are different to men about such things. It's likely that this man is looking for certain signals from you and if you give him any indication that you are desperately unhappy in your own marriage, or are looking to leave it, then this will possibly deter him. I know when my H's OW unexpectedly became single due to her H's death; my H was thrown into complete turmoil as suddenly his marriage and family life was threatened. Basically I only found out because he was such a mess. S
White Flower Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 No sweetie, I meant the inside. She is calling this woman something that she herself is displaying on the inside. Nothing classy about it. She is not using class to deal with her marriage or the things that aren't right. You know more of my story than others, you know I know the difference. We can agree to disagree. I don't think all OWs are trashy on the inside. I think she was talking about the way one carries herself in public and this perspective OW was surprised her MM, seemingly classy, would be seen with the lesser kind, be it casual, down-to-earth, or even trashy looking.
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