RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Ok so let me start from the beginning. I started dating my husband almost immediately after I got out of an abusive relationship that I had been in since my early teens. My husband is from a pretty strict culture and had little choice but to do things by the book. I really loved him so I went along. We got engaged 3 months into the relationship and married 7 months later while we were both still in college. He had never been in any type of relationship before so obviously had never had sex. I hope this next part is not too graphic for this site, but really this is so frustrating. From day 1 until year 10, our sex life has consisted of him barely getting it in before he's finished. No oral sex because of his cultural hang-ups, and basically nothing else either. Obviously, my needs have not been met. Amazingly, we have 2 beautiful children ages 5 and 7. Three years ago while we were both working full time and had just bought a big house, we both agreed to have his parents and younger sister move in with us to help with the childcare situation. They have a full apartment in the basement, but they still spend a lot of time upstairs including his mom cooking every day. The kids are both in school now, I really don't want them here with us anymore, but my husband loves it and doesn't want them to leave. So there you have it. I feel like I just want out. I love my kids and I know he is a good dad, but I don't feel like he is a good husband. I know the automatic answer is going to be marriage counseling, but I'm not sure I even want to try anymore. I've given him 10 years, and I just don't want to be with him anymore. Do I even have grounds for a divorce? I really just need some outside input. ~thanks!
boldjack Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 If you are sure that you have no feelings for him, it's best to get out as soon as you can, to avoid pro-longing the situation.
Author RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 I've made that really clear, and I don't think I'm fooling myself either. I had suspicions that he might have a crush on a girl at work and I was overjoyed at the idea of this possibly coming to an end. I came very close to leaving before, and I even moved into another bedroom, but he begged me to try again and I gave in, but really nothing has changed for me. He would rather stay in a miserable marriage for all eternity instead of getting a divorce. Or maybe he actually does love me. It seems impossible to know for sure.
2sunny Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 He would rather stay in a miserable marriage for all eternity instead of getting a divorce. Or maybe he actually does love me. It seems impossible to know for sure. the simple answer is to ask him directly how he feels. the way you present this relationship makes me think you two don't communicate on any level. sit down and discuss this. or is it that you have found someone more interesting...? because that's what my gut says just from reading your post.
Thornton Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Your physical needs are not being met, and it sounds like your emotional needs aren't being met either. Also you have no reason to expect these needs to ever be met, because your husband has never met them in the past. It doesn't sound like this relationship has much future unless you have some expectation that your husband could change and start meeting these needs... do you think he could? Or do you think he will always be unable to meet these needs? Do you even want to try to work things out with him, or is the relationship too dead to be rescuscitated? If you think that your husband could change and start meeting your needs, then things need to change in your house. Firstly, his family have to move out - the original reason for them being there no longer applies, and their presence is causing severe problems with your relationship. Unfortunately, for him it's going to come down to a decision between his family or his marriage. At the very least they need to stay downstairs in their own apartment and stop bothering you - his mother is taking over the wife role in your household and that would annoy me immensely. Then you would need to get marriage counselling and sex therapy to deal with his premature ejaculation problem and his hangups about sex - this would be an essential part of fixing the relationship, but given that your husband is so conservative do you think he would even be willing to work on these issues? If not then you have no chance of fixing the relationship. If you truly think there's no chance of fixing your relationship with him, you need to divorce him. You have grounds for a divorce on the basis of irreconcilable differences. Whether he's a good father is irrelevant when it comes to your relationship: if he's not a good husband and you're not happy then you should divorce him. Since his parents and sister also live in your house, this poses a tricky question: Should he and his family move out, or should you and the kids? You would have to come to some agreement between you, based on how easy it would be for everyone to find alternative accommodation.
Author RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 I don't think it would be hard to find someone more interesting, but I haven't yet. I've pondered the idea of having an affair, but it seems so wrong. I really don't want to be the one doing stuff wrong here, but he's a freakin goody two shoes so I'll never measure up to that. I talk to him, but it's like we are speaking two different languages. He always finds a way to turn the conversation in a more positive direction. Like by coming up with something about the kids that I will obviously agree with. It's so annoying I just wanna jump out the window sometimes. He is a master diplomat. No conflict. Ever. I just can't vent. I seriously don't want to live like this forever.
Thornton Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Whether you've found someone else is beside the point. You either want to be in a relationship with him or you don't, regardless of who else you have or have not met. Don't have an affair - either divorce him or decide to work things out, if you even think he's capable of working things out. It sounds to me like you had an abusive relationship and you fell for the first guy who was nice to you, despite the lack of chemistry. But he's never fulfilled you in some ways, and he probably never will given his cultural hang-ups. You lived with that for a while, but you're gradually becoming more and more resentful of what's lacking in your relationship. Plus your husband clearly isn't respecting your wishes to be mistress of your own house and for his family to move out - it's too much to expect you to have his mother cooking in your kitchen all the time, and tbh he sounds like a Mummy's boy who doesn't maintain healthy boundaries with other members of his family. Do you think you could work this out, if his family moved out and you got sex therapy and marriage counselling? Do you even want to work things out? Or do you just want the relationship to be over?
Gunny376 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 The last time I saw so many 'red flags' I was in China! :eek: The cultural, societal differences, the 'minute man' sex, the in-laws moving in. The reluctance ~ outright refusal to go to MC, read a book, learn, grow. Yea! Sign me up for forty years of this! I'm all about this and all over it! So basically the 'set-up' on this one is you subjugate any and all of your mental, emotional, physical, and sexual needs for the greater good of the family. You become a supplicating half of a person for the greater good of his family and himself. The way I personally see it? The only difference between your marriage and the Titanic is she had a band playing as she went down. The only way for this to work? Is for you take your personal happiness and content in life, lock it in a box, throw it in a truck, wrap chains around it and dump it off a cliff into the ocean! For what? His happiness and contentment? Its all about his wants, his needs, his family, his parents ~ where do you fit in? When do you get to be happy? When do you get what you want? He made a promise for better or worse? Richer or poorer? When is he going to start making good on that promise? Why should you be a slave to a promise that you made to someone who's not making good on theirs? My last LTR was like this. Everything was jo-toe, good to go, in so long as it was about her, her job, her career, her son, her family, her friends,.................. But the first time it became the least little about me? Something I wanted or needed? :mad: :mad: :mad: It was on! She was from North Carolina, and she told me it was either 'me' or,........................ Now? I don't go to North Carolina anymore!
Author RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 ... you would need to get marriage counselling and sex therapy to deal with his premature ejaculation problem and his hangups about sex - this would be an essential part of fixing the relationship, but given that your husband is so conservative do you think he would even be willing to work on these issues? If not then you have no chance of fixing the relationship. No Thornton, I can't imagine him going to sex therapy. I have suggested he seek medical advise before, but he said no. ... If you truly think there's no chance of fixing your relationship with him, you need to divorce him. You have grounds for a divorce on the basis of irreconcilable differences. Whether he's a good father is irrelevant when it comes to your relationship: if he's not a good husband and you're not happy then you should divorce him. Since his parents and sister also live in your house, this poses a tricky question: Should he and his family move out, or should you and the kids? You would have to come to some agreement between you, based on how easy it would be for everyone to find alternative accommodation. I have pondered this too. Would it be rediculous to suggest that I move into the basement apartment and his family move upstairs? At least until the kids get a little older. I could deadbolt the connecting door on both sides and use the outside entrance. Is that crazy?
Author RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Wow Gunny! That actually made me cry. Do you always have that affect on women? You're right though. That's exactly how I feel. I'm not getting anything out of this. Well except maybe health care insurance.
Thornton Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 No Thornton, I can't imagine him going to sex therapy. I have suggested he seek medical advise before, but he said no. Well then, it's unlikely that the areas in which your relationship is lacking will ever improve. It may come down to giving him an ultimatum about getting medical help or filing for divorce. Do you want to work things out with him, if he can be persuaded? Or are you simply not interested in him any more? I have pondered this too. Would it be rediculous to suggest that I move into the basement apartment and his family move upstairs? At least until the kids get a little older. I could deadbolt the connecting door on both sides and use the outside entrance. Is that crazy? It isn't totally ridiculous, and I suppose that way the kids could still see their father and grandparents. But it would obviously have a very negative impact upon your ability to date and find someone who you're happy with - no man in his right mind would want to date a woman who's still living with her ex-husband and his parents. I'm sure the situation would be very uncomfortable for any guy you might end up with, and it would be a deal-breaker for many men, not to mention it would be very uncomfortable for you and for any woman your husband might date after the divorce. If you're both happy to be single until the children have grown up, it could be a possibility, but it isn't a long-term solution as you'd still probably want to move out when the kids left home. My advice would be to make a complete break and get your own place with the kids, then look for a good man who fulfils you.
Author RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Thank you all for reading this and posting your thoughts. I'm going to sleep now, but I'll check back in tomorrow for additional comments. Have a good night everyone.
Gunny376 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Wow Gunny! That actually made me cry. Do you always have that affect on women? You're right though. That's exactly how I feel. I'm not getting anything out of this. Well except maybe health care insurance. It wasn't my intent to make you cry. Sorry about that! I'm just generally a no nonsense kind of guy! When it comes to certain things? I don't play! I got kicked out of kindergarten when I was a little tyke because of it! They told me I had to go out to recess! "Recess? What's that?" I asked. That's where you go outside and 'play'! I told them! "Gunny don't 'play!' Take a fools advice! Life comes at you hard and fast, and before you know it? Its over! Blink your eyes? And before you know it? Your seventy years old! Once you get past forty! It rushes by like a roller-coaster! They say its because you've already experienced so much the first forty years. And past forty? Its all just the same. The thing is? There's SO much of life to experience that you've not experienced yet! I doubt that you listen to country music, (sorry can't remember the title nor the artist) about a guy that was told he had only so long to live. When asked what he did about it, he basically started living his 'bucket list' of things that he wanted to do before he died. Sky dive, surf, etc. The time to get busy living your life is right here and now! Get yourself busy living your life ~ and quit waiting for the tide to come in or go out! The time to go? Is right here and now! The person who's responsible for making you happy? Isn't someone else! Its YOU! The time to live your 'bucket list?" ~ is right here and now! The time to call your best friend up and tell them they're your best your best friend and you love them like a brother or sister? Is right here and now! The time to call your Mom, your Dad, your brother, your sister, your second-half cousin that pissed you off twenty years ago? Is right now! The time to right your life from a mistake you made twenty years ago? Is right now! The time to forgive an ex? Is right now! Not for them! But for you! You keep hating them! Your going to end up hating everything and everyone in Life ~ and that's no way to live! (I personally have to work on this one daily to forgive that woman I was married to! But hey? I'm working on it! )
Author RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Do you want to work things out with him, if he can be persuaded? Or are you simply not interested in him any more?[/Quote]The only reason I would want to work it out would be for the sake of the kids. That's what I've been clinging to for years now, but I seem to be losing my grip. I care about him as a friend, but that's all because that's basically all he has ever been to me. Sometimes I feel like we have more of a brother/sister relationship than a husband/wife one. It isn't totally ridiculous, and I suppose that way the kids could still see their father and grandparents. But it would obviously have a very negative impact upon your ability to date and find someone who you're happy with - no man in his right mind would want to date a woman who's still living with her ex-husband and his parents. I'm sure the situation would be very uncomfortable for any guy you might end up with, and it would be a deal-breaker for many men, not to mention it would be very uncomfortable for you and for any woman your husband might date after the divorce. If you're both happy to be single until the children have grown up, it could be a possibility, but it isn't a long-term solution as you'd still probably want to move out when the kids left home. My advice would be to make a complete break and get your own place with the kids, then look for a good man who fulfils you.I've thought about the awkwardness of living in the same house. I know it won't be ideal for finding someone new, but I don't think I'll be ready for finding someone new for quite a while - if ever. This whole experience has completely soured me toward long term relationships. At least if I got a divorce then the possibility of maybe someday finding something better would exist. Right now I feel pretty hopeless. I think long term I will probably move back home to the family farm. Sounds corny, but I really love it there and I want to go back. It is 6 hours drive from where we live now so I just can't go right now with the kids at such a young age. I really want them to have both of their parents in their life. I think we have both tried our best for them.
Author RiceBall Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 It wasn't my intent to make you cry. Sorry about that! No worries Gunny. I cry too easily. I laughed too so u done good. ^_^ I doubt that you listen to country music, (sorry can't remember the title nor the artist) about a guy that was told he had only so long to live. When asked what he did about it, he basically started living his 'bucket list' of things that he wanted to do before he died. You're right, I don't listen to much country music, but I believe you are referring to "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. It is a very insightful song, and I do believe in the "live-in-the-here-and-now" strategy. I recently quit a really well paying job that made me miserable to persue a career that is more work and pays less, but I find it more rewarding. Also, at 31 I'm trying to do some of the things that I missed out on in my teens and 20s because I was bogged down in relationship crap. It is a little awkward at times because I do freak out the younger generation when they find out how old I am, but overall I'm thrilled with the experiences. The whole idea of calling it quits on this less than ideal marriage kinda stems from that train of thinking. I know I can be happier, and I desperately want that. I really hate to hurt others in the process though. I feel so selfish.
Thornton Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 I don't agree with "working things out for the sake of the kids". That just leads to the kids having two unhappy parents, which I think is worse than having two happy-but-separated parents. Also the kids aren't going to be around forever - do you really want to be mid-40s with adult children and have wasted most of your life in an unhappy relationship? At age 31 you still have time to turn things around, remarry, perhaps have more kids, and be happy. If you're not planning to date right away, you could file for divorce and suggest living downstairs, which I'm sure would please your husband as he could still see the kids. You could move out when you feel ready, perhaps when the kids are older.
Author RiceBall Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 A little update on what I originally posted.... I just went through the death of a very close family member and I'm hyper-emotional so I think I will wait a little bit to let things calm down before making a decision about my marriage. That said, my husband did ask his mom to stop using my kitchen. They are also making plans to move out permanently a year (or 2) from now. The sex thing is no better and I have gotten to the point where any type of intimacy just makes me angry because I know how it will end. Again, this could be a side affect from my hyper-emotional state. Someone asked in an earlier post if I was wanted to try or if I am just ready give up. I'm really not sure. I have my days where I want to give up and I have other days where I think my life will be so screwed up from getting a divorce that I am determined to do whatever it takes to be happy with what I have. I know it seems selfish, but my quality of life is pretty good right now. Money is not really an issue for the most part - I'm not a big spender but when I need something I am able to buy it. My husband travels quite a bit so I get some decent breaks from him. The kids seem to be well behaved and happy. I dunno, it's just so confusing. I keep thinking that no marriage will ever be really good so I should just suck it up and continue.
Devil Inside Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I think that you should get some therapy to help you sort this all out. I know how hard it is to be in a marriage where you don't feel sexually satisfied. One good thing is that he finally stood up to his mother. Maybe he will surprise you and start working on pleasing you in the bedroom. Either way...you seem very conflicted....and I know it's eating you up inside. Get a good therapist. Work on what you want. Then go from there. Good luck.
Author RiceBall Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 I think that you should get some therapy to help you sort this all out. I know how hard it is to be in a marriage where you don't feel sexually satisfied. One good thing is that he finally stood up to his mother. Maybe he will surprise you and start working on pleasing you in the bedroom. Either way...you seem very conflicted....and I know it's eating you up inside. Get a good therapist. Work on what you want. Then go from there. Good luck. No doubt. I am a freakin mess right now!
Recommended Posts