aloneanddepressed Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I am trying to avoid NC, so needing to vent. Ok, so as I've mentioned like 20 times so far on this site, my ex and I have been done for a little over 2 weeks. I saw him last of June, and after an argument he decides to just disappear and not say a word. I sent him messages for weeks and got nothing back. Its not like I blew up his phone or anything. I sent a message on myspace probably about 9 days ago. The reason I did this, is because myspace, unlike a lot of sites will tell you if the person read it or not, or at least opened it. OMG....I've noticed he logged on twice this week, and it still says unread. He either deleted it without even bothering to read it, or is deliberately not reading it. I'm sorry, but what a F****** P**** of S***. I go to the trouble of writing things, and he doesn't even acknowledge them on the INTERNET. How hard is this?????? I realize we are over, but my god he never even said goodbye or nothing. Never said ONE WORD!!!!!!! I guess I'm not even worth saying a word to. I think he could at least read my messages behind a computer. He makes me so mad, but I know I can't contact him anymore or make anymore attempts! He acts like I don't even freaking exist or never did.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I feel your pain. I really do. You know, NOT all men do that. As someone pointed out before, it seems to be the selfish, immature people that do this. If he is going to go NC without properly breaking things off or telling you goodbye and answering your questions, then HE is the one with the problem. I felt so worthless when my ex cruelly, CRUELLY left me the way he did and pretty much overnight became a stranger to me. But as I said before, my ex had a history of cutting people off. I just thought he wasn't going to do that with me. I have to live with it. I have no choice. You have to live with it. You have no choice. He has made the choice for you and it sucks but there's nothing you can do about it. You can NOT make people do what you want them to do. Sooner or later, you will accept this and you will be able to move on. It's going to take a lot of time. I know how much it hurts to be cast aside like an old shoe. You are not alone in this, even though you might feel you are because of the pain that you are in. Still, you are not alone. When someone acts like that, they make you feel like it's YOUR problem, but you have to keep remembering, this is HIS problem, not yours. Your ex is a giant ball of gorilla poop.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 The more you try, the less he wants to hear from you. Hes not a jerk, but you are a stalker. People on this board are suffering from ex's using them as friends, torturing them with mixed messages, acting crazy throwing new loves in their faces telling them to their faces "leave me alone and move on!!" People are having trouble TRYING to do NC so they can heal. You have the fortune of having your ex completely ignore you and you wont take advantage of it to help yourself heal, you just obsess over closure that you dont need. He doesnt want to hear from you. He never did, You know this. He wants to be as far away from you as he can. Havent you ever had someone keep chasing after you after you didnt want them? This came from another thread. Its quite eloquent and fitting. Read it a few times please.... Perhaps this is the cruellest thing to say to you, but I think it's the most honest. If you contact him, you're only going to turn him off. He will see you as an overly emotional, hopelessly attached woman that he got a lucky escape from. He's not going to feel bad for hurting you. In fact, he will use your stalking him (and that's what this is) as a rationale for his previous behavior. Contacting him will make you more unattractive to him than you've ever been. Go out there and get on with life (as I am now going to - it's time for my yoga class). This thing is over. Let it go.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Aloneanddepressed, When I want to contact my ex and tell him what he did to hurt me, I go to the coping forum and write a letter to him in that "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. It really helps. When my anger rises, really rises, I go the the "scream it out" thread here. I don't care how immature I sound. I don't care if I sound like a fool. These things help me. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since I have contacted him. I'm usually sad throughout the day, especially at night, but these coping mechanism certainly help. In the book I am reading, I had to write the good qualities of my ex and the bad ones. Sure, the bad ones outweighed the good by far, but looking at the good qualities help me to look at him less as the Anti-Christ. Now, I'm not there where I can usually feel that he is not scum...truth be told, he is, and maybe I will always seem him as scum, but he is not the Anti-Christ, and even though sometimes I feel that way, I don't feel that way all day long anymore. Now...as you can see, I ranted in the "Scream it out" thread at around 3 am this morning. I am angry at times...very angry, but I am not angry most of the day as I was before. You really should consider seeing a therapist as you are really struggling with this. It's time to start coping and stop trying to contact him. I know it's hard. It's hard for all of us in your situation. I really do think your ex is a jerk...a ball of gorilla poop for not explaining to you that he wanted to break up with you and giving you the reasons why. But you can't change the fact that he is the way he is. But you CAN change yourself so that the chances of you ended up with someone like this again is way lower than it was before. You have a chance for a new life starting now. Take it.
GorillaTheater Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Your ex is a giant ball of gorilla poop. Nasty stuff, that.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Thanks Moo for the replies. You seem to identify more as to what I'm going through. Yeah, I couldn't even sleep well last night. When will this ever end. Like I mentioned in other threads, he practically lives online, so its easy to pull up a website he's on, or see his pictures. Its awful. I might as well get rid of the internet..right. To the person who said "he is not a jerk, you are a stalker", I guess you were speaking in terms of what he would think, but if you SERIOUSLY are saying he's NOT a jerk, thats a little twisted. He clearly is one, and if you see any of my other threads he is beyond a jerk. I may have sent him way too many letters online, but at least I never tried calling him again, or leaving voice mails like I"m sure many do, or going to his house demanding answers. The reason I"m so mad, is he has other options of communication to make things less awkward, such a sitting behind a freaking computer screen, and he clearly he deliberately not saying something to me. You would think a person of any character would say, sorry the way things ended, and maybe see how the other person is doing. Or wish them well. I never did nothing to deserve to be treated this way.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 aloneanddepressed, You are welcome. this is the book I am reading. I mentioned it in other threads, but can't remember where that was. The book is: "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." By Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. Now Greg could be much more sensitive in this book, but he does help a great deal. He went through a terrible breakup and Amiira was in a terrible marriage before she married Greg. These are not psychologists. These are people who have been thru a lot of pain in relationships, learned and then wrote a book to help others. I got mine at the library and I use a notebook to do the exercises that are in the book. Do you have a break-up buddy? Do you have someone who you can tell that you want to contact him and that person will talk you out of it? If not, there is an NC buddy thread in this forum. Just post that you want to contact him and ask someone to talk you out of it. I know people don't like if you start new threads with the same exact thing, but if you pick one thread that keeps asking for help about not contacting him, it should be okay.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Lmao damn, boogie boy, that was harsh. I agree to some degree, but I DO think he is a jerk for the way he handled things. Childish, pathetic, immature, weak minded and a coward is how I'd describe her boyfriend. Do I think she should keep trying to talk to him, though? No. Aloneanddepressed, do yourself a favor and google a web site blocking program. Then add every one of his websites to the list so you CAN'T view any.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Moo, thanks for telling me about the book. I may have to check it out. I probably do need NC buddies lol. I do not know. I thought I was doing better, then BAM it hits me again. And I really think its because I looked at some crap online. Clearly I am online TOO much to have access to what my ex does, but if he wasn't such a net whore, I wouldn't have the opportunity to look at it. Yeah, Boogie, that wasn't the nicest thread, but thanks for the advice. I wouldn't say he "never" wanted to hear from me. That sounds rather harsh.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Wow, yes is a wonderful idea. I am going to do that too. Right now. Thanks for the info.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Lmao damn, boogie boy, that was harsh. I agree to some degree, but I DO think he is a jerk for the way he handled things. Childish, pathetic, immature, weak minded and a coward is how I'd describe her boyfriend. Do I think she should keep trying to talk to him, though? No. Of course Im harsh, its in my sig. Maybe you can word it a little differently for me Thomas. She didnt even see past my words of "hes not a jerk" and rolled past everything else. I forget Im dealing with a slave to her emotions. Maybe you can word it so she can understand. I dont know how to speak emotion. The point Im trying to get across is this: He made sure to get completely out of her life. He is out now. She should not be worried about what or who he is, what hes doing, cuz whether hes a jerk or not doesnt matter, he doesnt exist in her life anymore. Shes obsessing over an answer that shes not going to get, and using his behavior as a reason to chase him. he USED to be a jerk, but now shes a stalker by hounding him with emails. He WAS a coward and immature, but that doesnt matter anymore. He's LONG GONE! Hes doing you a favor. There IS NO HIM. No coward, no jerk, no azzhole. He is a raindrop on the windshield of life. (wipers on) He is nothing. Am I making sense Thomas?
Thomas X Forever Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I never thought you DIDN'T make sense, nor did I fail to see your logic. I like the analogy he's a raindrop in the windshield of life. What you are lacking, however, is empathy. You know how to difficult it is to really let go when you loose someone you love. Don't get me wrong, I pulled some hardcore NC when my ex and me broke up, but you still have to (or should) try to put yourself in alone's shoes. It isn't easy to let go at first. Does she need to do what you're saying, though? Yes.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Thomas X, I put up a thread about blocking websites. Thanks. I spread the word. I used my parental controls and it worked. Thanks.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 I feel like If I didn't have the internet, things would probably be a lot better. It appears to only take one little thing to cause a set back. I see his picture, or something he wrote on a website, and I feel terrible. Maybe I will have to block the sites. Oh ....but wait, I would be blocking 95% of the internet, cause he is on it. Just kidding. He is on a lot of sites though. Boogie is lacking empathy. He should know how it feels. I see what he is saying though. The thing is, even though we are broken up, I think after knowing someone a certain amount of time, you owe them respect. I even noticed a lot of people on here who are dumped, eventually talk to their ex through text or at least hear a word. I feel like he never appreciated me or like I said acts like I never existed. He never even told me it was over. And this online stuff, he can't even send an IM or reply to a simple myspace message. It is rather pathetic, but I won't write him again, I'm starting to feel that way. I might as well talk to a wall. Maybe I'm expecting too much. It hasn't even been quite a month. In time its possible he will speak to me again and I will get answers.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Hi a and d, What I try to remember is that the people on here want to help. As I said in before somewhere else, some people take a more gentle approach. Some take a more harsh approach, but we are all trying to help. I want to ask you, what are you going to do to cheer yourself up today?
Thomas X Forever Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 The reason it gets to you so much is (and I know you already know this) BECAUSE he just "disappeared" without any notice. You got no closure, and it's also a major blow to your ego. The good news, however, is that although you are dealing with more pain now, you will be able to heal a lot better than many people here with time. You have anger on your side, which is the best remedy at first, for getting over someone. Him failing to talk to you leaves you only one direction to walk. This is a blessing... You just need to make sure that if (or when) he does decide to finally speak to you, for WHATEVER reason, you have to ignore it. Block all his sites, all his messenger names, etc
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 I hate the internet . I guess there is no way to just block certain pages on a website??!! LOL! I would hate to get rid of Myspace just so I won't snoop and look at his page. I use it to communicate with friends, and I've had it for a long time. I am hoping he will get rid of it and just use Facebook. I deleted my account on Facebook. As far as the other sites he parades around on such as live cam sites, and online bar sites, I could care less if I block those. What a loser, why does he hang out on those anyways. Which makes me realize, WHY am I so upset over someone which lives on sites like this? If he is on these sites, I'm sure he goes to clubs and bars too. It makes me sick to think what he has been up to.
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 you can probably just block his page. If you click on his page, and take the address up top. I can try it if you want and tell you if I can just block that page. You can still probably get into myspace but not go to that page.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Something else I wanted to mention. OK, so yes I need to stop writing him messages, but I'm upset that I tried to be the better person. I wrote him in an adult manner, and told him how I felt without blowing up or saying hateful things. I apologized for anything on my part, and told him I wish he had not parted that way. I guess I expected a response of some sort back. I don't even KNOW if he got the message. That is why I wanted to speak to him LIVE , then I would have been able to stick to NC. I mean it takes a strong person to apologize , especially after him not even having the balls to tell me its over or talk about things. I shouldn't be apologizing, I should be ignoring him. Instead, I write and try to reason things out, and tell him I'm sorry, and I also mentioned there were some things I wanted to talk to him about. I don't know what to think. Just the other week, he says he loves me so much and all, and then I feel like I never existed to him. Not one word, it is unbelievable, but its clear he has major communication issues as well as deeper issues.
northstar1 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I hate the internet . I guess there is no way to just block certain pages on a website??!! LOL! I would hate to get rid of Myspace just so I won't snoop and look at his page. I use it to communicate with friends, and I've had it for a long time. I am hoping he will get rid of it and just use Facebook. I deleted my account on Facebook. As far as the other sites he parades around on such as live cam sites, and online bar sites, I could care less if I block those. What a loser, why does he hang out on those anyways. Which makes me realize, WHY am I so upset over someone which lives on sites like this? If he is on these sites, I'm sure he goes to clubs and bars too. It makes me sick to think what he has been up to. install the Firefox browser. It allows you to block pages. Once installed, you go this profile and copy in that link and block it.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Ok, thanks for the replies regarding the blocking. I will look more into this. Actually I have firefox browser.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Boogie is lacking empathy. He should know how it feels. I see what he is saying though. The thing is, even though we are broken up, I think after knowing someone a certain amount of time, you owe them respect. It is rather pathetic, but I won't write him again, I'm starting to feel that way. I might as well talk to a wall. Maybe I'm expecting too much. It hasn't even been quite a month. In time its possible he will speak to me again and I will get answers. Glad youre finally coming around. He is probably ignoring you because he knows you will hang on for as long as you can because whathever he tells you wont be good enough. I guess hes been through this a few times, and the women he has have obsessed and ignoring is the best way. I dont lack empathy, Ive been where you are, I just dont type empathy. Everyone else does, I dont need to. I, like most of the people here, had to fight dwelling on getting dumped by my ex with no warning. Worse than that, my ex still was contacting me, but still wouldnt give me the answers I wanted. Guess what? I realized I didnt need the answers because she would just lie some more. If I was a dumper, I would feel I didnt owe anyone anything, especially if I was trying to move on and forget the past that didnt work. I'm cold hearted, but thats the way many dumpers go. Were all adults, answers or not, we'll all live. You dont want to be one of those women who cant concentrate on their new man because they are still thinking of the one they obsessed on, and ruin all your future relationships. All the empathy in the world also doesnt seem to help you understand that in the long run, you keep holding onto this thinking you are entitled to an explanation and respect that you know youre not going to get. Regardless what you think, what youre looking for is forever out of your hands: If HE doesnt think youre entitled, then youre not entitled. If HE doesnt think you deserve an explanation or respect, then youre not going to get it. So stop putting the power in his hands. You dont need anything from him, and walk in the direction of the light. Its only been 2 weeks, you got months of healing to do. Might as well start getting used to not getting your answers.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 Exactly, your ex left with no warning BUT she STILL contacted you. That may have been very hard, but still you feel like she is acknowledging you are still alive or a human being. Like I said, it hasn't even been that long, maybe he will come around, but I just have this feeling he won't or for at least a year or something extreme. That is probably better, but then again how could he never say a word me. If he contacts me, it may be lies, and I still won't get answers, but I think I would feel better if he said something to me. I feel like I'm dead to him at the moment. If you were the dumper, you wouldn't feel like you owed anything? I think it depends on the situation and the person obviously. For example, I dated this guy before , for maybe a month and he disappeared, but I knew he was a player and had emotional issues, and hell it had only been a month. He doesn't owe me anything really, and things like that are expected. This was a lot longer than a month, and there were lots of emotions involved etc. I think certain situations/relationships you owe a certain amount of RESPECT. Btw, did you ever stop talking to your ex, and what happened, Boogie? Glad youre finally coming around. I dont lack empathy, Ive been where you are, I just dont type empathy. Everyone else does, I dont need to. I had to fight dwelling on getting dumped by my ex with no warning. Worse than that, my ex still was contacting me, but still wouldnt give me the answers I wanted. Guess what? I realized I didnt need the answers because she would just lie some more. If I was a dumper, I would feel I didnt owe anyone anything, especially if I was trying to move on and forget the past that didnt work. I'm cold hearted, but thats the way many dumpers go. Were all adults, answers or not, we'll all live. You dont want to be one of those women who cant concentrate on their new man because they are still thinking of the one they obsessed on, and ruin all your future relationships. All the empathy in the world also doesnt seem to help you understand that in the long run, you keep holding onto this thinking you are entitled to an explanation and respect that you know youre not going to get. Regardless what you think, what youre looking for is forever out of your hands: If HE doesnt think youre entitled, then youre not entitled. If HE doesnt think you deserve an explanation or respect, then youre not going to get it. So stop putting the power in his hands. You dont need anything from him, and walk in the direction of the light. Its only been 2 weeks, you got months of healing to do. Might as well start getting used to not getting your answers.
boogieboy Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Exactly, your ex left with no warning BUT she STILL contacted you. That may have been very hard, but still you feel like she is acknowledging you are still alive or a human being. That is probably better, but then again how could he never say a word me. If he contacts me, it may be lies, and I still won't get answers, but I think I would feel better if he said something to me. I feel like I'm dead to him at the moment. If you were the dumper, you wouldn't feel like you owed anything? I think certain situations/relationships you owe a certain amount of RESPECT. Btw, did you ever stop talking to your ex, and what happened, Boogie? No one owes anyone anything , in the long run. What Im trying to say is stop holding on to him thinking he owes you respect or an explanation. That is holding you back. You can move past that. My ex acknowledged me alright. What she did was show how she DIDNT respect me by trying to keep me hanging on to boost her ego, and help her relieve her guilt, so she could get over me quicker. I would have preferred if my ex left me without an explanation. If I read this board before she broke up with me, I would have cut her off without an explanation. She would have suffered if I ignored her without her being able to talk to me. What happened? At one point I tried to win her back, but that never works. I eventually stopped answering her texts and she gave up.
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