Otep Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I been married for 4 years and i must say its everything people told me before i got married. Wife has gained weight, become lazy and sex well yea forget about it most of the time. Im not trying to toot my own horn but its like all thats going on is something that happens to alot of women in my opinion. I take of myself and have not let myself go im workout 6 days a week dress nice groom myself and all. I clean our house i do everythnng vaccum dust mop clean the bathrooms all types of housewor i do. And for being a guy i dont do a guy's night or go out and drink or sit at home and play video games and it kills me so much that its not appreiated by my wife. I still do all the things i did when we were dating bye her flowers for no reason compliment her and it feels like i get nothing in return. When it comes to sex its like hurry up lets do it. And its so frustarting there is so much i want to do and she dosent and my se drive is off the wall. She wants no foreplay and i suggest things and its a no. Sometimes i would love to meet someone who goes through what im going through and just be able to express it face to face but i guess this forum is the next big thing. Is there any women who go through this whats there to do or if you could let me vent would be much appreciated
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Tell her how you feel and why. Be honest, but respectful..Maybe it will be a start to change around your house and your dynamic together will get better. Vent away..
moo Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 maybe the type of foreplay you've done in the past is not for her. Maybe she needs something else. Have you two ever thought of a sex therapist?
Author Otep Posted July 24, 2009 Author Posted July 24, 2009 yea brought it to her attention, it helped a little but the changes came and then go back to being the same way again....sex therapist, i dont know like any time theres a show on bout sex say like on HBO its always thats disgusting or she has no interest... i think i need a sex therapist to help me deal with my sexual frustrations...its just sucks the person who you are married to the person who your suppose to live out all lifes fantasies both sexual and non and you cant do it
Teslacoil Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 Is your wife unhappy or depressed? Is there something not right in her life that is making her lazy, unmotivated, uninterested in sex, etc? What you describe sounds like depression to me. It might not have anything to do with you, but it's still affecting the relationship.
stuckinoz Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I always believed that age played a factor. For instance - when I was younger - Im' 47 now - but in my late 20's & 30's while we were raising kids, etc, etc, I was NOT interested in sex. I was exhausted from working & taking care of the house & runnin kids. Anyway, now that I'm older & don't have the amount of responsibility I had with kids etc. I am much more inclined to have sex...etc!!! And...keep this in mind.....marriages go thru MANY MANY phases & changes thruout the years. You're only 4 years in. I'm 29 years in....trust me - it happens!
reddog63 Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 I been married for 4 years and i must say its everything people told me before i got married. Wife has gained weight, become lazy and sex well yea forget about it most of the time. Im not trying to toot my own horn but its like all thats going on is something that happens to alot of women in my opinion. I take of myself and have not let myself go im workout 6 days a week dress nice groom myself and all. I clean our house i do everythnng vaccum dust mop clean the bathrooms all types of housewor i do. And for being a guy i dont do a guy's night or go out and drink or sit at home and play video games and it kills me so much that its not appreiated by my wife. I still do all the things i did when we were dating bye her flowers for no reason compliment her and it feels like i get nothing in return. When it comes to sex its like hurry up lets do it. And its so frustarting there is so much i want to do and she dosent and my se drive is off the wall. She wants no foreplay and i suggest things and its a no. Sometimes i would love to meet someone who goes through what im going through and just be able to express it face to face but i guess this forum is the next big thing. Is there any women who go through this whats there to do or if you could let me vent would be much appreciated OTEP...... Lets look at it logically...........would you say she is likely to change if you had to bet your life on it? Seriously.......answer this This is not what you want out of life, right? Again......you know this to be the case....... Soooooo........it really is an easy answer, LEAVE, it may be a tough and scary road..........but I doubt you would regret it in the long run........ Find someone who has the same wants, etc as you...........of course, I guarantee if and when she finds you are serious, THEN, and ONLY THEN, will she even try seriously............and it should be too little to late.
confusedinkansas Posted July 24, 2009 Posted July 24, 2009 OTEP...... Soooooo........it really is an easy answer, LEAVE, it may be a tough and scary road..........but I doubt you would regret it in the long run........ Find someone who has the same wants, etc as you...........of course, I guarantee if and when she finds you are serious, THEN, and ONLY THEN, will she even try seriously............and it should be too little to late. Why is it that every time there is an issue to discuss in LS - People have the same answer...........LEAVE........BAIL.............Sheesh! Is that really what it's all about? OP is pissed cuz his wife isn't keeping herself up & doesn't want sex. .....Seriously - is the logical answer to just up & BAIL Every Time there is an issue in a marriage. OP - I'm not saying you want to leave - I'm mostly commenting - because I see this ALL THE TIME HERE.
Author Otep Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 yea i hear that too but its a marriage and i know marriages take work...and yes she has been stressed out with work and kids..really stressed out she hates her job and has been trying to get a new one,,,,and like its hard cause you see women at the gym taking care of themselves and all i can say is why cant she be like that
hilljilly Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 part of the reason she may not be interested in sex is that she has gained some weight so she isn't comfortable with herself. especially if you ever say anything to her about the weight gain. there are probably other underlying reasons for it too, and pressuring her for sex only makes it worse because then it makes it seem like you feel like she is obligated to have sex with you because she is your wife. i'm just telling you from a womans perspective part of what might be going on. i don't know her so i can't say for sure.
asireen Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 yea i hear that too but its a marriage and i know marriages take work...and yes she has been stressed out with work and kids Are the kids you mentioned your and her biological kids (or those you adopted together, if that is the case)? If not, get rid of her. She is a hopeless case. It will only get worse.
c-riouz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 OTEP...... Lets look at it logically...........would you say she is likely to change if you had to bet your life on it? Seriously.......answer this This is not what you want out of life, right? Again......you know this to be the case....... Soooooo........it really is an easy answer, LEAVE, it may be a tough and scary road..........but I doubt you would regret it in the long run........ Find someone who has the same wants, etc as you...........of course, I guarantee if and when she finds you are serious, THEN, and ONLY THEN, will she even try seriously............and it should be too little to late. Yeah, right , great advise.... leave and you'll have a 100 % guarantee that it won't become the same with the next partner after a while....
reddog63 Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Yeah, right , great advise.... leave and you'll have a 100 % guarantee that it won't become the same with the next partner after a while.... Read the OP's first post again.........Hasn't the wife "bailed" already??? I am all for him bring up the subject to her, telling her how important it is to him, etc...........counseling also............but listen folks.........if she is not into sex this early into her marriage, he does all the housework, still does romantic things for her, etc............then my money says five years down the road it will not be much better. She will be heavier and the sex will be more infrequent. This is just the odds as I see it..........and yes to this poster.........there will be 100% guarantee that he will have a chance to find someone who actually loves him, wants to have sex with him, and actually picks up a vacuum on occasion. I really do not want to come across with the message to Bail from a marriage at the drop of the hat. I draw from what I feel will likely happen or not happen in this posters situation and base my decisions from that.
Els Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I clean our house i do everythnng vaccum dust mop clean the bathrooms all types of housewor i do......t kills me so much that its not appreiated by my wife. I still do all the things i did when we were dating bye her flowers for no reason compliment her and it feels like i get nothing in return. It seems like this should be of far greater concern than the lack of sex. There can be so many reasons for lack of sex, and so many possible solutions (eg the foreplay one). But this? Sounds like she doesn't really care, to be honest. What does SHE do in your household, in your relationship? Are both of you working? She never bothers to do nice things for you at all? Or does she contribute in other ways but only lacks in those that you mention?
stuckinoz Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 and like its hard cause you see women at the gym taking care of themselves and all i can say is why cant she be like that Ohhhhhh - so this is what it's about. You see some hotties at the gym & you want your wife to be just like them... Wow. Typical:rolleyes:
Jersey Shortie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 yea brought it to her attention, it helped a little but the changes came and then go back to being the same way again....sex therapist, i dont know like any time theres a show on bout sex say like on HBO its always thats disgusting or she has no interest... i think i need a sex therapist to help me deal with my sexual frustrations...its just sucks the person who you are married to the person who your suppose to live out all lifes fantasies both sexual and non and you cant do it Going to a sex therapist or even a regular one is a huge difference then watching something sexual on HBO. In all honesty, women aren't stupid. Espeically when it comes to our bodies. Why you men think watching other 18-25 year old girls having sex should get a woman excited is not very attuned with women at all. Do you still treat her the same way you did when you first started dating? It's great that you keep yourself in shape and help around the house but I bet if you invested more time to make her feel more like a woman, she wouldn't care if you kept yourself in shape or not as long as she felt connected to you. When a woman feels connected to her partner and not drained, she wants sex too. But if she knows you aren't happy with her, her body, or she isn't happy with it either, she isn't going to feel like having sex with her. Looking at other girls at the gym and wishing your wife was more like that doesn't exactly speak of a guy that is looking to focus on his wife, her strengths and working on a relationship with her. And she could easily be saying "wow, I wish my husband was more like the guys I work with.." Subconsciously, that atittude is easily reflected.
jmargel Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Sex therapist? What? Why should HE goto one of those? It's her that has the problem and she's too damn lazy to do anything about it. You know why? Because she's gotten so comfortable with you that she's taken you for granted. That means she EXPECTS it, the things you do. Doesn't appreciate it. It's your job, that's it. You get paid by being in her presence even if she's in her typical ****ty moods. Stand up for yourself, gain some confidence. Quit rolling over and piddling on yourself when it comes to her. Start doing things for yourself, go out with the guys, stop doing all the housework, start enjoying life. If she has a problem with it, tell her there's the door. Unless you want to be her maid the rest of your life you need to stand up for yourself.
asireen Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Do you still treat her the same way you did when you first started dating? It's great that you keep yourself in shape and help around the house but I bet if you invested more time to make her feel more like a woman, she wouldn't care if you kept yourself in shape or not as long as she felt connected to you. When a woman feels connected to her partner and not drained, she wants sex too. Yeah right, put more and more effort for less and less results! The law of diminishing returns. The woman is fat and has an attitude, still this guy is trying and being understanding and patient. In this relationship, it is time for the woman to step up.
Jersey Shortie Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Sex therapist? What? Why should HE goto one of those? It's her that has the problem and she's too damn lazy to do anything about it. You know why? Because she's gotten so comfortable with you that she's taken you for granted. He is the one that mentioned a sex therapist. Secondly, in a relationship, you try to help each other. Not throw your hands in the air and say "that's your problem, you deal with it alone and when your "healthy", then you are worthy of my attention." Yeah right, put more and more effort for less and less results! The law of diminishing returns. The woman is fat and has an attitude, still this guy is trying and being understanding and patient. In this relationship, it is time for the woman to step up. Yeah, I always think men are very understanding and patient when they go to the gym and compare other women to the one at home wishing she was more like the ones at the gym. I guess in men's eyes fat = worthless. Whether she is your wife/gf or not. I know you guys see all those amazing movie-star mom's with their elastic faces and petite rib baring bodies carrying their 20 kids. But in real life, as a woman, it's not easy lossing weight. Infact, we are naturally more fatty and less muscular then men and yet we have higher standards of fitness and slimness then you men. Not all of us have or are going to ahve perfect bodies. Sorry that disturbs your Playmate dreams of what you wished your wives were.
asireen Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I guess in men's eyes fat = worthless. That is incorrect. Fat women can be attractive. A well proportioned fat woman is certainly sexy. An hourglass figure can be on thin or fat women, and in both cases, they are physically beautiful. And being fat alone is not a turn off, the more important aspect is ATTITUDE.
jmargel Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 He is the one that mentioned a sex therapist. Secondly, in a relationship, you try to help each other. Not throw your hands in the air and say "that's your problem, you deal with it alone and when your "healthy", then you are worthy of my attention. And if it was a woman who was the OP and she talked about her husband has become a fat couch potato who just plays video games and doesn't want anything to do with her, i'm sure you would encourage her to help him even more, even though all she has done had no improvement on his motivation. IMO the motivation this woman needs is a kick in the ass to get her fat rump off the couch. Self pity only goes so far and if he continues to do 'everything' that is enabling her to continue her lifestyle. She's gotten too comfortable to the point that she's taking him for granted. And it's perfectly natural and fine that he looks at beautiful women in the gym, on the beach, at the store, etc.. People are attracted to other people, doesn't matter if you are married or not. Acting on it is another matter. To the OP don't feel guilty for looking at these women, God made them beautiful for a reason. IMO if I were you I would just be honest and say that you haven't been happy in your marriage for quite awhile and on a number of different levels. If she starts her whining, self-pity, stop her and let her know that, that tactic isn't going to work. IMO it's false advertising if you meet someone and they TOTALLY change to the opposite due to their own behavior. Let her know that you are going to make changes to make yourself happy and if she wants to change her ways and join you great, if not then she is more than welcome to go out on her own.
Jersey Shortie Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 That is incorrect. Fat women can be attractive. A well proportioned fat woman is certainly sexy. An hourglass figure can be on thin or fat women, and in both cases, they are physically beautiful. And being fat alone is not a turn off, the more important aspect is ATTITUDE. Well not all women have perfect hourglass figures. I remember how much men like attitude the next time I see a woman who is on Maxim not for her body but for her kind heart and great attitude. IMO the motivation this woman needs is a kick in the ass to get her fat rump off the couch. Self pity only goes so far and if he continues to do 'everything' that is enabling her to continue her lifestyle. She's gotten too comfortable to the point that she's taking him for granted. I don't remember him saying she is lazy. Over weight doesn't = lazy. He infact said she is pretty tied up in taking care of their kids. When you are a mother, you don't have time for self pity. It sounds like he has taken her for granted as well. And it's perfectly natural and fine that he looks at beautiful women in the gym, on the beach, at the store, etc.. People are attracted to other people, doesn't matter if you are married or not. Acting on it is another matter. To the OP don't feel guilty for looking at these women, God made them beautiful for a reason. That's right. That's why God made women beautiful. So that a billion years later men like you could disrespect their partners by promoting that attitude that it's okay to oggle, or even "covet", if you will other women. It's one thing to notice other attractive people. Quite another to be so entrenched in your own bitterness and self love you dictate that men should oggle women everywhere he goes, girlfriends and wives be damned! After all, that's what's important to you. Oggling, not respecting your partners. What's a little eye candy when compared to having to respect the ole ball and chain. Talk about taking thigns for granted. IMO if I were you I would just be honest and say that you haven't been happy in your marriage for quite awhile and on a number of different levels. If she starts her whining, self-pity, stop her and let her know that, that tactic isn't going to work. IMO it's false advertising if you meet someone and they TOTALLY change to the opposite due to their own behavior. Let her know that you are going to make changes to make yourself happy and if she wants to change her ways and join you great, if not then she is more than welcome to go out on her own. Yes. Please serve her a mandate that it's your way or the highway. That's what relationships are about. Showing completely insensivity and domineering control over your female partner when they fail to live up to your Playmate standards.
asireen Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 IMO the motivation this woman needs is a kick in the ass to get her fat rump off the couch. Self pity only goes so far and if he continues to do 'everything' that is enabling her to continue her lifestyle. She's gotten too comfortable to the point that she's taking him for granted. I agree 100%. Well said.
HsMomma Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I agree 100%. Well said. Oh yeah...that's the answer alright...just tell her to "get off her fat butt" and do something. I have a question for both jmargel & asireen...have you ever been in a "real" relationship, long-term, where you made a commitment to stick through thick & thin?
2sure Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hey, you're right. A spouse should take care of themselves both for themselves AND to look/feel great for their partner. As a woman, it became difficult for me to keep myself lean and toned after having my daughter and going back to work. At the end of the day I was exhausted, rushed meals...eventually, I ended up not feeling enthusiastic about myself , my looks, my job. Not only did I not have time anymore to go the gym , I couldnt comfortably justify the membership fees. Grocery shopping and cooking healthy meals became a chore. My H became concerned about me, just like you are about your wife and marriage. He helped me solve the problem by having me work only a few hours a week, so while my daughter is in school I can go the gym/spa most week days. I'm in great shape, I have way more energy and time for great sex. Ive made a lot of new friends at the gym. It is full of women just like me. We all agree that its important to our marriages that we look & feel great and that doing so makes us better wives and Moms. Why not have your wife quit her job or and buy her a membership to a really great gym?? It sounds like right now her time is taken up by her job, the kids, and the house. Thats depressing.
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